10. Zoey
10
Zoey
A fter shoving my books into my locker, I go to close the door when Tarni crashes into me, her arms flying around my shoulders and keeping me pinned. “Where have you been all day? I couldn’t find you this morning.”
“I’ve been around,” I tell her, feeling frustrated with our friendship. The comments the girls made on the phone last night still circle my mind.
“Come on,” she grumbles, letting me go before falling against the locker and waiting for my undivided attention. “Don’t tell me you’re still pissed about yesterday? It’s not like Abby knew anything about Lincoln. She was just telling us what she heard.”
I give Tarni a blank stare. “She was using the death of a child, one who I happened to be extremely close with, as a form of entertainment. Not to mention, suggesting Noah was responsible was just wrong. I get that she was just repeating what she heard, but that wasn’t cool, and the fact that you didn’t have my back was an asshole move. You know how close I was with Linc.”
Tarni gapes at me before amusement crosses her face. “Are you shitting me? What is up with you? Ever since Noah showed up, you’ve had your panties in a twist. You need to relax. You know Abby. If she thought there was anything really serious going on, she never would have said anything. You snapping at her like that made her feel like shit, and you know I always have your back, but I wasn’t going to make Abby feel even worse.”
“Oh great,” I say, rolling my eyes. “So I’m the bad guy for standing up for Linc?”
“I never said that. I just think you need to relax.”
“Well, that’s not about to happen,” I tell her, grabbing my lunch and starting to make my way down to the cafeteria, dreading what I might see after Noah’s performance with Shannan yesterday. “Noah heard everyone talking about Linc this morning and cornered me in the bathroom. He thought I was the one who told everyone, and—”
“But you were,” she says, cutting me off. “You told us what really happened.”
“Yeah, I know that, but he assumed I was the one who started it when all I was doing was correcting the story and making sure no one was disrespecting Linc in the process. But that’s beside the point,” I tell her. “He was getting all up in my face. He looked like he wanted to tear my head clean off my body, and then Shannan walked in—”
“Oh, shit,” Tarni gasps, her eyes going wide. “If she thinks you’re trying to get close to Noah, she’ll bury you, but if she thinks you’re an enemy of his and she can score points with him by putting you down, you’re fucked.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter. “Do you remember the hell she put Lucy Stonebridge through last year just for thinking of trying out for captain of the cheer squad? They bound her to a chair and shaved her head. I can’t have that shit happening to me.”
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Tarni says, shrugging her shoulders as though she couldn’t care less. “What did you think was going to happen when Noah showed up? He’s by far the most popular guy in school. Every girl wants to be with him, and once people find out about your history, you’re going to be seen as a threat. And now that they see how adamant Noah is about hating you, you’re an easy target. Shannan’s going to use that against you. But be prepared, you know she’s only going to fuck with you right in front of Noah for his approval, and honestly, I can’t see him stepping in to do anything about it. Not now at least. Kinda sad though,” she adds as we push through the doors and into the cafeteria. “The old Noah would have walked through the darkest pits of hell to make sure you were the happiest girl in school. Not anymore. This Noah doesn’t give a shit about you.”
She laughs to herself and walks ahead of me, beelining for our usual table, and for the first time in a long time, I feel my pace slowing, not sure that I really want to sit with her today. But where else am I supposed to go? I have other friends in the school, but they all have their own groups they sit with at lunch. Hell, I don’t even know if I could call them friends. More like acquaintances.
Tarni, Abby, and Cora are my group. It’s been that way since I started at East View High, and I don’t want to mess with a good thing. They’re just going through a new phase. Their preferences are shifting. We’re all getting older, and their likes and dislikes are changing, which can only be expected, but unfortunately, all they seem to care about is getting the attention of douchebag guys, and it’s not something I want to waste my time obsessing about. I feel like they’re going on this new ride and have left me behind, but I’m not sure it’s a ride I particularly want to get on.
Perhaps it’s time for me to move on and find a group of friends a little more my speed, the type of girls who aren’t going to spread rumors about a dead child while suggesting that the dead child’s brother was the one who killed him.
Shit. It’s East View High. I don’t even know if that type of girl even exists here, otherwise, I’m sure I would have gravitated toward her years ago.
My gaze shifts to Noah at the back of the cafeteria, and unlike yesterday, where I hesitated to look his way, I suddenly don’t care if he sees the judgment in my eyes. I hope he does, and I hope he knows just how disappointed I am in him.
Mom was right. Noah is hurting. He’s a lost soul trapped in a world of darkness, screaming for someone to save him, but he’s also a complete asshole. Why do I have to love him like this? It’s one thing having him here, but this morning was bullshit. Why can’t I seem to let go of the past? He’s made it crystal clear that what we used to have doesn’t exist anymore, so why am I clinging to it so hard? I need to let him go.
As if sensing my gaze like a tug on that invisible tether, Noah’s head lifts, and those dark, haunted eyes come directly to mine, holding me captive. His eyes have always been dark, only today, they’re clouded by shadow. He looks like shit, like today has been hard on him, and I’m not surprised after all the talk of Linc this morning, but this isn’t right. There’s something more there. Guilt, sadness, overwhelming pain. He’s on the edge, ready to break, and knowing he needs me more than ever, my body jolts, desperate to run into his arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
My hands twitch at my side, ready to throw caution to the wind and run to him, but I hold back, knowing he’s not ready. Not yet. Especially considering the way he’s looking at me now.
I can’t fault Tarni. She was right. Noah looks at me like a leech who won’t let go. This new version of him doesn’t give a shit about me. I just hope that the old Noah is still buried in there somewhere. I’ve barely gotten past Linc’s passing, and to find out the old Noah doesn’t exist would feel like losing him too.
Noah’s gaze narrows, daring me to try something, but I can’t handle any more of his abuse today. I have a high pain threshold, but tolerating Noah’s constant rejection isn’t something I’m capable of. It’s wearing me down, and soon enough, it’ll drown me. But at least then Noah and I might be on the same level for the first time in three years.
“You coming?” Tarni calls back at me.
Tearing my gaze away from Noah, I look back at Tarni to find her walking backward toward our table, staring at me like I’m some kind of inconvenience. What the hell happened to my best friend? She’s always been blunt, but over the summer we’d never been closer. Now, she’s almost as much of a stranger to me as Noah.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I tell her, wondering just how lame it would be to go and eat lunch in my car.
As I catch up with her, I can’t help stealing one last glance at Noah. His gaze is trained heavily on his table, ignoring the other football assholes around him, and I know he senses my stare, but he refuses to look up again or allow me the chance to see inside.
He’s hiding in plain sight, and it’s so blatantly obvious how much pain he’s in. It leaves me wondering how the hell nobody else can see it. He’s screaming for help, and the people surrounding him can’t seem to hear it.
God, why the hell does he do this to himself? Doesn’t he understand just how much it kills me to see him hurting like this?
Taking another step toward my table, a hand shoves hard into my shoulder, forcing me to an agonizing stop. My head whips back to find Shannan Holter standing right in front of me, that same wicked smirk I’d seen this morning resting on her lips. “Why are you looking over there?” she questions, moving in dangerously close. “There’s nothing there for you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you do,” she sings, her voice hitching higher and gaining the attention of everyone in the cafeteria, especially Noah’s “You’re in love with Noah Ryan, but guess what? He doesn’t want you. I saw the way he looked at you this morning. You’re trash.”
She laughs, and the rest of the school seems to laugh along with her as humiliation pours over me.
“Trash,” she repeats, her grin widening as she leans in even closer.
I roll my eyes and go to step around her, but she steps with me, blocking me and forcing me to stay to play her ridiculous little game. “Don’t you have orphaned puppies to kick or candy to steal from children?”
“It seems I have a break in my schedule,” she says, her eyes dancing with amusement as I feel Noah’s heated stare like lasers on my back. “But don’t you worry about that, I have more than enough time for you.”
“Seriously?” I say, my lips twisting in disgust and boredom. “This is really the kind of bullshit that gets you off? Don’t you see how pathetic this makes you look? The popular cheer captain picking on the typical good girl. You’re such a cliché, Shannan. It’s lame and embarrassing.”
She scoffs, not affected by my words in the least. “What’s cliché is the way you’re drooling over Noah. Now, that’s what I call embarrassing. Look at you, Zoey. You’re pathetic, but don’t you worry, I’m going to dedicate my whole senior year to making sure you know just how fucking pathetic you really are.”
My gaze flicks back to Tarni, watching her from our table as she watches me in return, not doing a damn thing to help me. Then, letting out a sigh, I look back at Shannan. “Perfect, can’t wait,” I say with a forced smile, realizing this is only the beginning. I go to step around her again, and this time she lets me, only I pull back and meet her stare. “By the way,” I say, matching her loud tone. “You’ve got a big chunk of spinach right there between your two front teeth.”
Humiliation washes over her face, and she quickly ducks her head to pick at the spinach. I waste no time walking away, but the rest of the cheer squad gathers around, creating a circle around me. “Trash. Trash. Trash,” they chant as I desperately search for a break in the circle, needing a way out, but there’s no denying the synchronicity of the cheer team is on point. They’re good at what they do.
“Trash. Trash. Trash.” The chanting gets louder, the rest of the school joining in as they gather around. I search for Tarni in desperation, finding her across the room, but she just shakes her head. She’s not willing to take on a crowd this size, and the more the circle closes in around me, the more my claustrophobia turns to panic.
“TRASH. TRASH. TRASH.”
Air becomes harder to pull into my lungs with each heaving breath I take, and as I desperately search for a way out, I find Noah still sitting at his table, watching the fresh hell surrounding me. Despite the crown on his goddamn head, despite being the only one with the power to put this shit to rest, he just sits there and watches as I become the school outcast, ridiculed for simply caring about the boy I used to know.
This is his doing. He might not be the one chanting, but he’s just as guilty, and I’ll never forgive him for allowing this to happen.
“TRASH. TRASH. TRASH.” The chanting is at an all-time high, the people moving in closer, and I spin around, frantically searching for an escape. Tears begin to well in my eyes. The laughter and taunting come from every angle, and unable to bear it a second longer, I barge right through the crowd, shouldering past the students as they laugh at my back.
People grab at me, pulling my hair, spanking my ass, and the tears finally fall, staining my cheeks as I reach the doors and race out into the hallway. I run toward my locker to get my things, stumbling and struggling to catch my breath, but the lock shakes in my unsteady hands as I try to enter the combination.
Finally getting it open, I reach in to grab my bag and check my keys are right where I left them, and as I slam my locker closed, I hear someone running after me. “Zoey,” Tarni calls from up the hallway.
“Leave me alone,” I spit, hastily wiping my eyes.
“Come on,” she groans, catching up with me. “Don’t be mad at me. There was nothing I could do. It was a fucking mob. What did you expect?”
“Anything,” I cry, slinging my bag over my back. “Anything would have helped.”
With that, I turn away and run for the exit, more than ready to get out of here. Barging through the doors, I break out through the front gates and get halfway to my car when I see him standing there, waiting for me as though he has every right.
I shake my head, not ready to face him after that humiliation, but I refuse to walk away now.
Noah leans against my Range Rover, his big arms crossed over his strong chest as his stare bores into mine. I continue storming toward him, my jaw clenched as the overwhelming anger, frustration, and humiliation claim me. “What the hell do you want?” I demand, walking around him to unlock the car and shove my bag in the passenger’s side.
He shakes his head, clearly having no damn clue why he bothered to come down here, but it’s obvious to me—guilt.
“I just—”
“No,” I snap, moving back around to the driver’s side and reaching for my door. “You don’t have the right to come to me. Not anymore. And especially not after the bullshit you’ve thrown at me the last two days.”
I go to open the door, but he reaches past me and slams it again, demanding my attention. “Hold up a fucking second.”
I whip around, the tears so hot in my eyes. “No, Noah. You had your chance,” I yell, shoving my hands into his chest as the anger overwhelms me, but he’s like a brick wall, refusing to step away. “You used to be my hero. My bestest friend. I thought the whole world shone through your eyes, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. What happened in there . . . That’s on you. You had the power to make it stop, but you didn’t because you’re too fucking scared of feeling anything. You’re a coward.”
He steps back, looking at me as though I just slapped him across the face, and without another word, I pull my car door open and slip inside, locking the doors behind me. I watch him for a second, the two of us held captive by one another’s stare, and when he inches back and looks away, deciding not to fight for this, I shake my head, never so disappointed in my life.
And with that, I start the engine and back out of my spot, desperate to leave him behind.