Chapter 12 Jude
TWELVE
JUDE
Last night was epic. The tiki bar was packed, music was blasting, and Max and I were laughing, joking around, drinking, and we even jumped in the pool. Yes, with our clothes on!
What I also remember were those eyes on me.
She quickly looked away, but not before I was able to penetrate that wall she had up.
I can see it when she looks at me. The hesitation in her eyes and her body.
I can’t blame her for protecting herself.
I hurt her. Badly. I’m not sure she will ever forgive me.
There’s this twinge in my heart every time I see her.
Maybe things would’ve been different in another life.
My mind still thinks non-stop about Faith and how she was looking at me.
This morning, a few of us decided to hit the breakfast buffet.
As I finish my omelet and toast, I brush my fingers through my hair.
It’s unbelievable that, after all these years, the girl I’ve thought about almost every day is here.
On the same resort as me. I’ve longed to feel her. To apologize for everything.
“Seeing Faith has me reeling,” I say to Klara, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I gathered that. I’ve been trying to get your attention for a few seconds now, but you were somewhere else.”
I run my hand down my face and grab my chin. “I was thinking of her again.” My mind swarms with memories of us together. She was the one who was there for me no matter what was going on. I worshipped her back then.
“Want to talk about it?”
"That's a great question," I reply blankly, staring at the wall and struggling to form a coherent thought.
They are a tangled mess. My mind has been unraveling since the first time I ran into her on the island.
I can't even pinpoint why everything feels so unsettling—why my insides are tied in knots.
Maybe once I untangle this confusion, I'll be ready to talk.
Right now, though, it's as if I'm stumbling through a dense fog, unable to see the path clearly.
Be for real, you still love her.
“Maybe at some point, but I wouldn’t even know where to start.” I actually do know where to start, but I can’t bring myself to spit it out. She’s the love of my life, and I fucked it up terribly.
Will she even talk to me?
I saw how uncomfortable she was around me. She couldn’t get away fast enough. Then I saw her sneaking looks last night while at the tiki bar, and it shifted something inside me. Maybe she still feels our connection.
“Okay, you know where to find me if you change your mind,” she says as she winks at me.
Of course, I know where she’s staying. As I drink the rest of my coffee, I stand up and say, “I’m going to take a walk.”
I raise my head and notice Faith and her friends arriving for breakfast. Quickly, I decide to approach the lively one named Kendall, who’s contemplating having her wedding here.
Klara would hit it off with her since she connects well with everyone.
I plan to introduce them so they can share wedding advice.
Before Klara gets to the door, I grab her arm and wait for the group to get their meals and sit down.
Then, without briefing Klara, I confidently walk over to their table with her in tow.
“Good morning, ladies. It’s like déjà vu,” I say as I laugh halfheartedly. “Kendall, right?”
She raises an eyebrow and says, “Yes, how are you, Jude?”
Is she onto me? That look has me wiping my palms on my shorts. “Good, good. I thought I’d introduce you to Klara. She’s my best friend's fiancée and would be a great person to talk to about the resort and planning a destination wedding.”
The look of shock on Faith’s face has me tilting my head and trying to figure out what she’s thinking. I might have been staring too long, because Klara elbows me.
Sticking her hand out, Kendall says, “I’m Kendall, nice to meet you. I’d love to pick your brain, but I understand if you are too busy, it's a big week for you. Congratulations, by the way. What day are you getting married?”
Klara gets caught up in the wedding talk. “We’re getting married on Saturday. All the planning and time spent…then it's here in a flash. This resort is like a dream, and the staff is attentive to all of our needs, making me feel like I’m their only wedding guest at the resort."
“Sorry. I love talking about my wedding. I didn’t get your names! How rude of me.” Klara looks at the other three women. She knows Faith, but not the others.
They all go around introducing themselves, but Faith makes sure not to make any eye contact with me.
That doesn't stop me from sneaking a few looks her way.
Being near her makes me ponder how I can find an opportunity to really talk with her in private.
Before I leave this resort, I am determined to have a conversation with her.
“Jude, we have room on the sunset dinner cruise, right?” Klara looks over to me.
“Yes, we have plenty of room. It's on Thursday. You should join us. There will be dinner, dancing, and drinks. You can’t say no to that,” I say with as much excitement as I can muster. The dinner cruise is an opportunity to talk with her. I hope she says yes.
Kendall answers for everyone, “Of course. That’s so true. How could we say no? That sounds amazing. We’ll be there.”
“If you have international on your cell, let me grab your number so we can text.” Klara opens her phone to add Kendall to her contacts.
They exchange numbers. This is good. I didn’t even have to coach Klara. She is a great wing woman.
“Great. We’ll catch up soon. I’m excited. I’ll let you all finish eating.” Max comes over and plants a huge kiss on Klara. Nothing like a bunch of PDA for these two. They don’t care who is around. I kind of envy that.
Klara breaks away and introduces Max. “Ladies, this is my fiancé, Max. Max these ladies are coming on our cruise.” Everyone introduces themselves.
“Nice to meet you all. Looking forward to seeing you on the sunset cruise. It’s going to be a night to remember.” Max turns and smiles at Klara.
Faith is white as a ghost. Is she ok? I can’t just ask her. We aren’t friends like that anymore. I can tell something is wrong. My feet feel stuck to the floor, as if I’m in quicksand. I want to talk to her, but I’m being pulled away by Klara.
Klara takes my forearm and guides me away.
“Why don’t you go for that walk? We’ll catch up later.
Maybe some fresh air and salty sea on your skin will help you figure out what you’re going to do.
I know she’s the one for you. I’ve been around long enough to come to that conclusion.
You talk about her more often than you probably realize. ”
Klara is caring and kind. I’m thankful to call her a friend. She is direct, and there’s no bullshit coming from her. She tells me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it. That’s just who she is. She and Max are a great couple. I envy their love and relationship.
“I’m going to head down to the beach. Catch up with you and Max in a few,” I tell them as we leave.
I snag some water bottles before I walk out the door and follow the path down to the beach.
Once my feet hit the sand, I feel instant relief.
The water is rhythmic as the small waves crash into the sand.
It’s time to have those waves on me. They are much calmer than the ones Faith and I used to body surf at our favorite beach in the North Shore.
My muscles are so tense. I’m hoping this will help me sort through this mess I’ve walked into.
I take advantage of the warm ocean water and trudge in to swim for a while to clear my head.
I’ve been given the perfect opportunity to talk with her.
Am I going to chicken out again and not try?
Everything is different with her. When I was younger, I made numerous mistakes that I deeply regret and wish I could take back. It was clear she never wanted to talk to me again when my last text to her resulted in an invalid number message. She had changed her number.
Can I blame her for doing that? Nope. Not at all.
I was such an ass. I let peer pressure get the best of me and with the looming long-distance relationship, it was the best decision at the time.
But looking back, it still feels like the worst decision of my life!
Thinking about this makes my head hurt, making everything hurt.
If I’m being honest with myself, my heart is being squeezed when I see her and can’t pull her aside and talk with her.
How are you going to make this right?