Chapter 17 Faith
SEVENTEEN
FAITH
I’m late! I jump out of the van and run. Kendall must be out of her mind. She’s been talking about this meeting for months.
I fly around the corner and come close to knocking over a couple. “Sorry!” I yell over my shoulder, as I keep pace to get to the meeting.
I don’t stop until I reach a door that says, Charlie, Wedding Planner.
I take a couple of breaths before entering.
I slide into a seat as everyone is sitting at the table with swatches of linen colors, books opened to flower arrangements, and a stack of what looks like wedding albums. I’m happy for her, but a part of me is sad for myself.
The way Jude nonchalantly dropped the comment about girls having their weddings planned made my heart pound, my throat tighten, and I had to struggle to blink back the tears threatening to spill over.
It feels selfish, I know, but I can’t help remembering how I once imagined walking down the aisle years ago.
Yet here I am, sitting beside one of my best friends, celebrating her upcoming wedding.
Is it possible to feel the weight of all the sadness for myself while genuinely happy for Kendall at the same time?
Jude and I will never get married, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.
Our loved ones fully expected us to get married after college.
We were high school sweethearts. It was my dream to marry Jude, buy a house with the white picket fence, have a couple of kids running around, and live happily ever after. But sadly, not all dreams come true.
Jude’s presence consumes my thoughts. I can’t believe he wants to meet up tonight.
The closure I need dangles in front of me.
A part of me felt like we were a couple again; the conversation was flowing effortlessly between us, and we laughed and shared things together.
His presence was magnetic, and I found myself drawn to him.
The physical attraction was a powerful pull that made me want to reach out and touch him.
Every time he looked at me with those mesmerizing amber eyes and brushed his fingers through his hair, my heart skipped a beat.
He exuded a certain energy—an aura that I couldn’t resist—and I soaked it all up.
What on earth is happening to me?
In the meeting room, the scent of fresh flowers fills the room.
There are wedding decorations, photo albums, and large portraits of happy couples all around.
I feel a lump forming in my throat, and it’s like a punch to my heart.
It’s a lot, especially after spending most of the day with Jude.
Being on this resort feels like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality where we never broke up.
Our time together earlier was natural, and it felt like how things used to be.
Back home in my memory box, there are letters upon letters from Jude talking about his love for me. Getting married was his dream, too. I designed my wedding dress all those years ago, and it’s in there too.
I force myself back into reality. The wedding planner, Charlie, opens an album with Jude’s name on it.
I glance at my friends and find them all looking back at me.
I shrug and bring my eyes down to the album.
There are pages and pages of beautiful wedding photos of couples that got married at the resort.
“These are gorgeous,” I say.
“Jude is the best wedding photographer. He captures the couple candidly, and the posed ones are tasteful and creative. He’s won awards galore for his work, and if you were trying to book him for your wedding in the states, it would be a two year wait,” Charlie says.
I didn’t realize how popular and in-demand he is, but I’m not surprised—he’s talented. Since I’m not on social media a lot, I’ve only seen a few of his posts.
“Jude lives in Colorado and travels here frequently for weddings. He says it’s his favorite place to photograph happy couples.”
I didn’t think he’d settle down in one place. I expected him to be a world traveler married to an equally spontaneous woman—given his previous dreams. This info puts some things into perspective. The story I was telling myself about him was very wrong.
He lives across the country. That’s reason enough to find closure and finally move on.
Although, he did mention maybe moving back home…
No. Don’t even go there, Faith. Although we spent the whole day snorkeling together, and by the end, I was consumed in his web, our connection is magical.
The sparks fly when we’re close. Reflecting on the days when being with him was the highlight of my life stirs up the hurt from the past and the love we had for each other. Today, I remember all that we lost.
As I listen to Charlie rave about Jude, I realize I’m beaming.
I’ve experienced intense emotions on this trip.
One minute, I’m having a breakdown, the next minute, I’m having the time of my life.
He had me with his deep, amber eyes, the chiseled muscles that stretch across his tattooed frame, that smile that leaves me breathless, and his hair begs for my hands to run through it.
I’m going tonight and finally getting the closure I desperately need.
Kendall is talking, but I haven’t heard a word.
Tuning back into the meeting, I’m listening to them talk about the logistics of the wedding.
There are books and albums all over this table that contain everything she’s talked about for the past couple months.
Her favorite flowers, centerpieces, food, and ambiance is all around us.
The dreamiest part of this wedding will be the ceremony on the beach. They have a few different set ups, including a sunset ceremony on the beach—which is my favorite option. Intimate. There will be plenty of time to party, because the ceremony is only twenty minutes long.
When I ease back into the conversation, I realize Kendall has decided on the sunset option.
Great choice. Her wedding will be the kind you see in magazines—elegant, flawless, unforgettable.
We went to a bridal expo a couple months ago, and Kendall put together her wedding mood board.
It was too big to bring, so she had it printed and it’s lying on the table with her custom designed beach wedding dress, light pink bridesmaid dresses, and the sunset with an arch full of stargazer lilies.
It’s all there and ready to be put into reality.
The wedding planner looks at Kendall’s flower choices to see how she can match them up to native flowers without taking away from the “look” Kendall wants for her wedding. This is exciting for all of us.
“Kendall, your wedding is going to be to die for,” I say with a twinge of envy.
“You guys better give some input here. There are many options to choose from.”
Addison grabs Kendall’s shoulders. “We are here to help you and make this the best wedding ever. You know I’m your girl for checking off all the boxes and keeping us organized.”
Charlie gives us all a checklist, and we are giddy with the prospect of Kendall’s wedding. “This will help you stay organized and eliminate the things that are an absolute no. Then we can work from there. You’ll feel comfortable with your decisions by the time you leave.”
“With my girls by my side, I don’t doubt it for a minute.”
My phone buzzes from my bag. I lean over and pull it out. Oh, it’s Kai.
Kai:
Counting down to our date. Tell me your favorite thing about your vacation so far.
Faith:
I went on a snorkeling excursion today, and it’s the best thing I’ve done so far. But everything here could be my favorite.
I’m distracted. Jude consumes my thoughts. The date with Kai is the last thing on my mind.
Meeting Jude tonight gives me hope to clear out the old stories I’ve been telling myself. Finally, I can ask him the burning question—why.
As we collect all the wedding items to review over the next few days, Kendall’s dream wedding is in our hands, literally and figuratively. We walk out of the room with a couple albums on loan, and we bring them to Kendall’s room for her.
“How was your excursion?” Kendall asks as we all walk carefully so we don’t drop anything on our way.
“It was even better than I could have imagined. The colors in real life were astounding. I had no time alone because…”
Whirling her head and darting her eyes to me, she says, “Because, why?”
“What if I told you I spent my snorkeling excursion with Jude?”
All three of my girlfriends stop dead in their tracks and gasp. Kendall says, “You’re not joking, are you?”
“Nope.” I shake my head and a small smile spreads across my face.
I update them on what happened and reiterate the part where he asked me to meet up with him later. We drop off all the wedding stuff on the desk and hop onto the bed.
“I know it’s been a hard road, but this sounds like it will be good for you,” Lane says with so much love in her eyes. She reassures me by placing her hand over mine.
My heart wants to meet him, but my head is hesitating and begging me to protect my heart.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“And why not?” Addison asks in a serious tone.
My head falls into my hands as tears slide down my face. “I felt so much today. His presence brought me back to when things were good. Today, after we went our separate ways, it was the overwhelming emptiness and hurt that took over.” It was like my heart dropped into my stomach when we parted.
“It’s been a healing journey for you, Faith. Don’t second guess yourself. It’s time for closure. I think you’ll kick yourself if you back out. At least hear him out,” Kendall urges me.
She has a point. If I skip out, I probably won’t sleep all night. I’ll just be thinking about what could have happened. Then days, months, and even years later I’d make up stories about how it would have gone had I showed up. I don’t want to repeat history.
This is my one opportunity that I wished for years ago—to ask him why.
And did he ever think about me? It’s time to speak my truth—I felt hurt and abandoned when he left.
Once I shared the news of the pregnancy and scheduled abortion, I hoped he would have driven back home to be with me, but that’s not what happened.
I know that wasn’t practical when he was already halfway across the country, but I still wished for it.
Despite my reassurance to him, I would be fine if he didn’t come back.
I wrestled with so many feelings over the years.
“You’re right,” I admit. It will be good for me. Closure. “I’m going to grab a quick shower, and we can meet for dinner.”
“Yes, great idea. We’ve been at the pool all day.” Kendall looks at the time and says, “We grabbed reservations for 6:30. We can all meet there.”
I hop off the bed, let myself out, and walk to my room. Opening the door, I smell citrus. Housekeeping must have been in here, because my bed is made, too. I drop my bag, take all my clothes off, and scurry to the bathroom.
This shower is heavenly. The water sprays all over my body, and I lather up the face cloth with soap.
I move the face cloth all over my body, and then as I go to clean between my legs, a moan escapes.
All of those thoughts about Jude circle in my brain—those rigid muscles and tattoos.
I remember the way he touched me earlier and the warmth that consumed my body and pooled in my core.
I can’t help but touch myself with the thought of Jude rubbing his cock against me and touching me everywhere.
Running my hand over my sensitive clit, I imagine it’s his hand doing all the work.
I take my breast in my other hand, rub my nipples between my fingers, and pull.
My eyes are already closed; I can’t get him off my mind.
He’s in the shower with me, towering over me.
He takes his time to circle my clit with the pad of his thumb.
I’m working myself up as I continue to think about him touching every inch of my body as he slides two fingers into me.
The pressure from his thumb against my sensitive clit has me tilting my hips into my hand.
I can feel how wet I am for him, and I want his tongue licking me.
I slide my fingers in and out in a rhythm that won’t take long for me to come.
My moaning becomes louder—it sounds like it’s echoing off the shower walls.
I don’t care, because it’s all worth every second of my fingers in and out of my pussy.
My hips start bucking faster and faster as I hit the spot inside.
My nipples are so tight…I wish he was biting and pulling them.
I move myself up against the cold wall and rub my nipples against it.
My fingers continue to slide in and out as I feel every inch of myself.
Using the wall for leverage, I hold the back of my hand against the wall and fuck my fingers until I’m clenching and my stomach is tightening.
“Oh my god, Jude,” I mutter to myself, as I continue to imagine his fingers fucking me harder and harder.
I ride those fingers right until the very end.
Sliding my fingers out, I lean my face against the cold wall. “Holy fuck,” I say, trying to catch my breath as I hold myself up.