Chapter 20
Tianna
I cried until there weren’t any tears left to cry. Sobbed until my body ached. I hurt all over. I throw up nearly non-stop, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Remy offered me some meds from the doctor, but I don’t trust it, not anymore. Who the hell is to say they didn’t put something in them or change them like Brad did? In my heart, I know they’d never do that to me, but in my head? I can’t seem to think otherwise.
Kiki has been in here every chance she can and sits with me, talking and reading to me. I can’t find the strength to get out of bed most days. I don’t want to because facing it means it was real. Here, in Remy’s bed, I’m safe. I’m safe from everyone.
The door opens, and Remy walks in, looking worn out. I know they’ve been out looking for Charlie, and it’s really taking a toll on him. I watch him as he undresses and stares at himself in the mirror above the dresser. He looks so tired and I don’t make it much easier on him. I close my eyes as he turns around and walks over to the bed. Then I feel it shift from his weight, and he comes up behind me. His arm wraps around my waist as he scoots closer to me.
“I wish I knew how to fix you,” he whispers. He can’t fix me. No one can, not after what Brad did to me. I pretend to be asleep for a while, waiting for him to fall asleep. Then I speak.
“Maybe it’s time we accept what happened.”
“What do you mean?” Shit, he wasn’t asleep.
“With Charlie.”
“What do you mean what happened with Charlie?” Now, I feel the bed shift, and he gets up. I roll over to see him standing there, pulling his jeans back on.
“That she’s … she’s gone, Remy. He wouldn’t keep her alive this long,” I mumble, even as the pain reaches into my chest and rips my heart out.
“Don’t say that shit,” he growls.
“I mean it. Why would he keep her alive? He has no reason!”
“You keep sayin’ that shit, and see what happens!” he roars. I sit up now, throwing my legs over the side of the bed, and stand.
“What’s going to happen, Remy? Are you going to beat me? Kill me?”
“The thought is crossin’ my mind.”
“Then do it. I don’t want to live like this anyway!” He storms toward me so quickly that I barely see him coming. He has me backed against the wall, his warm breath dancing over my flesh.
“You keep testin’ my patience, Tianna. You keep pushin’ me, and I’m gonna snap. Neither of us wants that, “ he warns me. He’s right. I don’t want that. I want more. I want him to end it all.
“It’s the truth. She’s probably gone,” I tell him. He roars with anger, slamming me against the wall. Before I knew what he was doing, he had his jeans down and lifted me in the air. My legs wrap around him as he thrusts into me.
“I’m tired. I’m hurtin’. And you keep pushin’ me!” He growls before biting into my neck. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on for the ride. Remy fucks me hard and fast, and I don’t have it in me to tell him to stop. Everything I never enjoyed about sex, he’s doing right now. And I can’t use my safe word. So I take the pain. I take the aggression and let him get it out of his system as tears spill down my cheeks.
He keeps going, thrusting and thrusting until neither of us can take anymore. I feel him swell inside me right before he comes. I bite my lip to keep from crying louder.
He’s breathing heavily when he pulls out of me and lowers my feet to the floor.
“Fuck, Tianna.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. Fuck!” He screams louder before pulling his jeans up and walking away. The bedroom door slams shut as I slink to the floor and cry. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what to say. How do I help him when I can’t even help myself?
The door eventually opens, and Kiki comes in.
“You’re up late,” I tell her. She smiles at me and walks over, offering her hand. I let her help me up even as I continued crying. She leads me to the bathroom and starts the shower before tugging my shirt over my head.
“Let’s clean you up,” she says softly. I nod my head and step in when she grabs the sponge and soap. I’m in a daze. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what’s happening. I feel numb and broken, as if nothing is ever going to be okay again.
Kiki washes me and then helps me dry and dress. I feel like I’m a walking zombie.
“Thanks.”
“You want a drink?”
“I … I don’t know what I want, Kiki.” She nods her head and leads me out of the room and down into the main room. She gets behind the bar after setting me on a stool and grabs a few things, sliding me one across. I take a sip and look at her strangely.
“No alcohol?” I ask her.
“For the baby,” she says softly. I nod my head. Even though I haven’t decided if I want to keep this child or not, she’s right. I did enough damage on my last drinking binge.
I turn my head and glance at the office when I hear Remy yelling.
“Locke’s with him,” Kiki says. I nod my head once more and go back to my drink. After a few minutes, Remy storms from the office, his eyes moving from me to the glass in my hand. In seconds, he’s across the room and snatching it from me.
“No more fuckin’ alcohol!”
“There’s nothing in it, Remy. I made it,” Kiki tells him. He looks over at her, and she nods to the glass. Remy brings it to his lips and takes a small drink before setting it back in front of me.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I tell him. He grins, and it’s an evil grin. One I’ve never seen on him before.
“You wanna bet? You’re gonna start listenin’, Tianna. You’re pregnant, and I’m not havin’ no baby of mine fucked up because you want to drink.”
“It’s not yours, Remy.”
“I don’t need the goddamn reminder!” He yells. “I told you once, this baby is mine, and I will not fuckin’ say again after this. You can either accept that or don’t. I don’t give a shit either way.”
“You don’t really want it,” I tell him.
“If I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t fuckin’ claim it as mine, Tianna.”
“It could be anyone’s.”
“It’s not anyone’s. It’s mine.”
“Remy, come on,” I say, getting tired of this whole mess. This baby isn’t his. We don’t know whose it is and part kills me inside.
“Come on, what? Huh? You want me to say fine, Tianna, go do what you want, no big deal? Is that it?”
“I want you to consider my fucking feelings too, Remy! This isn’t just about you. I’m the one who was used and raped. I’m the one carrying god only knows who’s child. Not you!”
“You think I don’t fuckin’ get that? You think I don’t think about that shit too? The fact I couldn’t help you? That they did this to you, and I wasn’t there to save you from it? You think I don’t feel some kind of pain because of this shit?” Oh my God. I never thought about it like that. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t care what Remy felt. He’s always been the caring type. He’s always been there for me, and if he could have stopped this, he would have had he known. That’s my fault. I didn’t tell him.
“I’m sorry, Remy. I didn’t think about it like that.”
“No, you didn’t. You’re too focused on you. You think I don’t feel guilty as fuck this happened to you? That our daughter is gone? You think I don’t feel the goddamn pain of it all, Tianna, because you know what? I feel it. I fuckin’ feel it deep down in my goddamn heart, and it’s killin’ me inside. It’s fuckin’ killin’ me!” He screams before turning and walking away. Tears slide down my cheeks as I watch him go down the hall and back to the room. I hear the door slam as I fall apart one more time.