19. Chapter 18
Chapter 18
Oak
I t had been a long day. Well, not really. It had just felt long, which was definitely different.
Sitting next to Law after hanging out with two thirds of his kiddos felt… right. Even as Marlie was chatting with her mom on the iPad and the others were vying for Caitlyn’s attention, I felt like I belonged there next to Law.
Yeah. I was in trouble. More than I’d already been.
See, there was this side of me that hated the fact that I had gone from taking care of my younger siblings into taking care of someone else’s. Except, these kids were family too, just in a whole different way.
My uncle had fallen in love with their uncle and the rest was history. My grandparents were their grandparents now. These were people who had chosen one another in various configurations and roles.
Technically, if I wanted to, I could unchoose this.
Except, that wasn’t really possible in the circumstances we all were in, and I didn’t want to. But the idea of being able to back out of whatever this arrangement was because Law and his kids weren’t really my family felt… liberating. Like I kind of had a choice, still.
I also knew that the window for backing out was coming to a close soon. Why? Because there was no backing out as soon as I fell in love with Law. He was a package deal. Would forever be that.
Not that he’d want anything with me other than what we had been doing lately.
I was kind of surprised when he asked me over after the kids went to bed, though. That felt like crossing some imaginary line I had set for us. If we fooled around—because let’s face it, that was exactly what we had been doing—we didn’t take it to his house.
At the Yellow House it would become something more real. Something… if not quite serious, then less playful. Less spur of the moment because we couldn’t not. More planned.
I still said yes, of course. Law Caldwell had snuck into my brain and possibly my balls and how could I say no now? Look, I was only twenty-one. Only a human. Infatuated with an older human who was hot as hell.
Maybe hindsight would tell me what an idiot I was being, but when he texted me that night, I pulled on my shoes and jacket and left my cabin.
I’d showered very thoroughly. I’d put on a tiny bit of cologne. I’d considered the jeans that made my ass look fantastic, but then I decided they were a bit too much and chose a pair of sweats instead.
I compensated by wearing a T-shirt so old that it was practically sheer and had a stretched collar that showed off skin in a way that was understated but kind of hot at the same time.
Yes, I was going to try and seduce this man. Why now? Because I’d been good and I deserved a treat, damn it.
I didn’t knock, just opened the big front door and slipped inside, then left my shoes by the pile of other shoes. I was shrugging out of my jacket when Law came down the stairs, holding his finger to his lips.
As if I would make noise just when the kids were about to fall asleep anyway. I’d been around children enough to know how fragile that time of the evening was.
Now that Law was right there, coming to me, smiling, the bravery and “I’m going to take this man” energy fizzled a little.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, the smile falling a little.
“Eh, it’s nothing. Just in my head a bit.” I put the jacket on the hook and turned to him. “So, what’s the program?”
When I looked at him, I realized he might be older, but he hadn’t really thought this through, either.
“It’s customary to offer your visitor a drink,” I pointed out, when his gaze seemed stuck on my collarbone.
Law cleared his throat. “Right. Would you like something to drink?”
I shrugged. “If you’re having something. I’m easy.”
He rolled his eyes at my smirk and gestured toward the kitchen. “Come on.”
We went to the still outdated but much more homey now that it looked lived-in kitchen.
“It’s nice in here,” I commented, realizing that I hadn’t really had a house tour after they moved in.
“It’s a nice old house.” He opened the fridge, then seemed thoughtful. “Do you want a glass of wine?”
“If you’re having one, sure. It’s not my favorite, but I’ll have a glass with you.”
Smiling a little, he was clearly about to quip something about my age, but glanced at me and caught my not-impressed face. Chuckling, he closed the fridge door and grabbed a bottle of red wine from the rack on the counter. There were three bottles left, all of them red. How grown up of him. Shit. I was reverse quipping in my head now.
He opened the bottle and took two wine glasses from the cupboard, then poured us both some. He left the bottle on the counter, then gestured toward the family room. I followed him there and curled up on the couch. There was a fire in the fireplace, too, as if this moment wasn’t kind of grown up and perfect already.
Law handed me one of the glasses and sat right next to me. We both took a sip, looked at each other, and just burst into quiet snickers.
“Well, this isn’t awkward at all,” he said once we could talk again.
“Nope.” I took another sip, then leaned closer to him and tilted my head just so. “Kiss me.”
He smiled in that fond way I’d come to love and leaned in for one of his kisses that melted my brain a little.
“Today was fun.” I curled up against his side and he put his arm around me.
We sat there, drinking wine and staring at the fire like a real couple. It messed with my head a little, but deep down I knew we were no such thing and never would be.
“It was, yes. Thank you again for taking the kids.” He chuckled. “The cupcakes had interesting decorations, but were tasty.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault that your eldest likes to enable her brother. The Sludge Cakes were not pretty but like you said, tasted good.”
He chuckled and kissed the top of my head, then sighed in a way that told me he was so damn content right then.
The toilet flushed upstairs, but since nobody came to call, Law said, “That was Harper.”
I nodded. “I guessed as much.”
We chatted about Marlie’s party and her dog for a while, slowly draining our wine.
I didn’t drink much, so having three quarters of a glass definitely made me feel a bit flushed and the tiniest hints of something that could turn into tipsiness if drinking another glass.
“So,” I said once my glass was empty. “I had this idea.”
“Oh?” Law looked at me.
I wasn’t quite able to make eye contact, so I just said, “I want you inside me.”
He let out a small gasp, as if he hadn’t at all expected that. How, I didn’t know.
“Oak….”
I realized he was going to say no, so I pulled away from under his arm and turned to look at him. “Don’t you want me like that?” Then, “Wait, you’ve not been with a guy before?”
He shook his head. “It’s not that. Well actually, you’re half right. I’ve done other things with men a few times before I met Cait, but never anal. Not that that’s new to me.” The implied “if you must know” was clear in his expression.
The hurt made my stomach roll. “So you’re just not that into me, then?”
Law took my free hand. “I am. Into you, I mean. But I don’t want to think you have to do something—”
“No.” I shut him down immediately. “I have felt like that before. Trust me when I say I’ve done things a couple of times without really wanting to, just because I thought I had to. I know for a fact that you’d never expect anything from me and would never make me do anything I didn’t want.”
“But someone did?” He looked serious. Also a bit murdery, which was kind of hot.
I put my wineglass on the coffee table and then my hand on his thigh. “Yes. But I’m not here to talk about that.”
He looked amused. “What are you here for, then?”
I leaned close to his ear and whispered, “I was a good boy today, and I think I deserve a reward.”
He immediately leaned away. So not how I thought the words would affect him.
“Oak, this is not and never will be a transactional thing,” he said, sounding worried.
I felt like facepalming, but then I also got pissed off. “Law, how young do you think I am? How na?ve? Of course it’s fucking not transactional!” I hissed the words at him, because otherwise I would’ve raised my voice.
“No, I know—”
“Do you?” I moved so I wasn’t touching him anymore. “Why would you even say something like that?”
I was younger and less experienced in various things, but I wasn’t that na?ve. He wasn’t some older man trying to take advantage. Hell, at this point it felt as if I was the one trying to take advantage of him.
“You’re making me feel like I’m the one trying to take advantage of you,” I blurted out. “Do you have any idea how dirty that makes me feel?”
My skin crawled at the idea of forcing him to do something he didn’t want. I got completely off the couch and paced in front of the fire, the small flames warming me with every pass.
“Oak–”
I lifted my hand and stopped walking, then faced him. “If I was your actual boyfriend, wouldn’t it be totally fine if I was playfully asking for dick at the end of a long day because I’d gotten through it? Wouldn’t it be a funny joke?”
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Of course it would be—”
“Yeah. So I guess this is just proof of how far from that I am.” I took a few steps to stand in front of him by the couch. “I don’t know why that feels shitty right now, but it does.” I licked my lips and crossed, then uncrossed my arms. “I’m not in the mood anymore.”
Then I walked to the door and pulled on my shoes. By the time I was putting on my coat, Law appeared in the hall and gave me a look I couldn’t read.
“Oak, wait. Talk to me. Don’t just run out.”
“No, thank you,” I said. I opened the door. He didn’t try to stop me again.
Just like I’d slipped inside the house, I left it, closing the door quietly behind me.
I wasn’t sure what was happening in my head, but I spent the next handful of days avoiding Law, and he didn’t seek me out, either.
I felt fragile every time I thought of him, and when I went to bed at night, I wondered if I hadn’t started to fall for him already. I could acknowledge that I was young and sometimes na?ve, but not about this.
I knew very well what was at stake for him, but I also didn’t hold on to any illusions about us being more than fuck buddies while he waited for wife number two to show up. The fact that he was so damn adamant of doing everything right when I wanted him to let go and just take me when I asked him to made me feel both infantilized and as if I was trying to force him.
So, I stayed away.
Of course, it was impossible not to see him in passing, but the way I avoided him seemed to send a message and he didn’t try to approach me. Or maybe he’d deemed me a child he didn’t want anything to do with anymore, who knows.
I put on a brave face, had my lunches with Charlie, did my job both cleaning the rooms and the rest of the Inn, and I felt… adrift in a way I hadn’t since I got there.
The kids popped up here and there, too. Eventually Marlie got her dog. They were all ecstatic but nobody more than her.
To be fair, it was a fucking awesome dog, so I understood.
The thoughts of taking myself out of this family situation came back, but this time I was thinking about really doing that. Because nothing would hurt worse than this weird, slow, ache I was feeling now.
I don’t know how it took me so long to realize that I was missing Law. I missed his company. Sure, the physical perks had become really nice, but I missed just being around him, because he made me feel safe. Calm. At peace.
I really needed to find a therapist. I couldn’t rely on someone else for my peace; I knew that.
And that’s how I ended up sitting in a boring AF waiting room in Fairville a week after that night.
“Mr. Mulligan?”
For two seconds, I forgot that was me, then I looked up. “Yeah.”
“You can come in.” The therapist, Doctor Marks, smiled at me.
I got up and followed her into a spacious and kind of comfy looking room. There was a couch and a few armchairs, and a desk with a bunch of stuff on it.
“You can leave your jacket there.” She gestured at a coat rack. “Do take a seat wherever you feel comfortable.”
I hung my jacket and picked an armchair. After sitting down, I kicked off my shoes, then pulled my feet up.
She smiled at me.
“What?” I frowned.
“I’m glad you’re not hesitant about making yourself comfortable, that’s all,” she explained as she sat down in the armchair closest to mine.
“I figured if I’m going to talk about my shitty childhood and everything else that’s made me who I am now, I might as well take my shoes off.”
She laughed and flipped her notebook open. “Now, I read your email summary about what you want to address here, but how about we start from wherever you feel like for now?”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and let it out. I felt like shaking my hands out but didn’t. Instead, I started to talk.
I drove back from the therapy session, went to my cabin, and fell asleep for fifteen hours.
When I woke up again, I felt dehydrated and hungry, and realized it was almost time for breakfast service at the Inn. I showered and got dressed for a workday, then remembered to check my phone.
There was a message from Charlie.
Hey, I hope therapy went well.
Then, a few hours later:
I bet you’re sleeping it off right now. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Sometimes I forgot that Charlie had been to a lot of therapy. For him, it hadn’t been super beneficial when it came to his body dysmorphia, but his mental health had been more positively affected over the years.
It was early, so I took my time meandering down to the Inn. Cricket came to greet me when I got to the parking lot. After giving her some love, I went inside and made my way into the kitchen.
Dana was already there, working on the beginning stages of breakfast.
“Morning.” I went directly for the coffee pot.
She snorted. “Morning. Good rest?”
“I think it was like fifteen hours, so I suppose so.”
“Oh right, therapy. Nic told me about that. How’d it go?”
“Well enough that I’ll be going back next week. I hope the exhaustion doesn’t hit me after every time, though.” I carried my mug to the spot by the door where a couple of stools were by a small table. It was as out of the way as anything could be in a professional kitchen, but I had never sat here before.
Dana glanced at me, smiled slightly, and stayed quiet as I sipped at my nectar.
Eventually, she turned to grab bacon from the fridge near me. “You know, you could stop avoiding Law.”
I almost inhaled my coffee. “W-What?”
“Stop avoiding the man. I don’t know what it is you two have going on, but whatever it is, both of you have been moping for a week now. So stop it. It makes me feel annoyed.” Her tone was easy, nonjudgmental, and kind of loving.
“Do you think anyone—”
“No. But I pay attention.” She hefted the bacon container closer to the ovens. “I won’t give you any advice. Nor him, for that matter. Just… don’t complicate things that don’t need to be complicated, you know.”
I snorted. “Yeah. It’s all so very uncomplicated right now.”
She grinned over her shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay in the end. And hey, if it’s not okay yet, it’s not the end.”
A giggle escaped me. “What was that?”
“Advice from a motivational poster.” She laughed. “Take it or leave it, Oak Mulligan. It’s all I have time for, so get out of my kitchen.”
I quickly refilled my coffee and did as I was told. I went to sit by the window as I waited for her to serve breakfast. I knew I needed to talk to Law, but I didn’t know where to start.
I hoped he’d know, I just needed to stop avoiding him first.