Chapter 17
Ain’t no man driving me crazy. I’m the driver now. Buckle up.
— Pepper to Atlas
ATLAS
It’d been a week, but he was finally able to come home.
His new home.
My home.
Forest was coming home to my house, with his father.
His father that he liked but was still kind of wary of.
He loved Pepper , though.
Not that I’d seen that in real life.
I’d seen it in videos that Maven had shared with me.
She’d gone out of her way to avoid me this last week.
Not that I blamed her.
I’d used her.
I’d been so caught up with wanting to feel anything but rage, pain, and frustration that I’d taken advantage of Pepper , and I owed her an apology.
The only problem was I couldn’t get her to stop long enough for me to do that.
“ Where ya goin’ first?” the social worker, Nancy , asked.
I looked from the sandals I was putting on my little boy to Nancy .
“ Well ,” I said, “ I need to run to the store and get some necessities. I got the diapers, and wipes, and big stuff like a car seat and a bed. My family helped me out with the clothes. But I need some snacks and stuff like that. Groceries . Or we’re gonna be heading to the closest fast-food joint for dinner.”
Nancy grinned. “ Just sayin’, but chicken nuggets are a hit with my grandson.”
“ I think chicken nuggets are a hit with anyone,” I pointed out, offering her my hand.
She took it, shook it softly, then said, “ If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out.”
I got down on my haunches and spoke to Forest .
“ Are you ready to go home?” I asked.
His eyes widened, and the beautiful brown eyes so much like my own started to well with tears.
“ No go home.” He shook his head furiously.
I patted his leg. “ Not your old home, buddy. Your new home. My place.”
He tilted his head.
“ I can stop by the bakery, too. We can go see Pepper .”
His eyes lit up. “ Peppa ?”
God , this kid was fucking cute.
I hated that I’d had help making him with the woman who was now trying to turn my life into a living hell.
In the past week, Emory had been released from jail.
What she had not gotten back was custody of Forest .
She’d tried.
She’d tried hella hard, actually. Much harder than I’d expected considering she’d left her own kid in the car… on purpose.
However , the hearing for custody, as well as the hearing for her child endangerment, had been set for three weeks from now. In the meantime, as the father—the confirmed father as of four days ago— I would have sole emergency custody of my son.
“ You want to go see Peppa ?” I asked, reaching for him.
He came willingly, although a bit hesitantly. “ Yes .”
The whispered words hurt.
Fuck , but he was hesitant with everyone. What had his life been like?
It warmed my heart to have him in my arms.
It also hurt it.
Two years.
I’d missed two years of his life.
He was twenty-five months old.
His birthday was just last month.
I’d missed his second birthday by mere days.
Which only made me angrier in the grand scheme of things.
I mean, how fucking hard was it to tell your baby daddy that he was, in fact, a baby daddy?
Knowing that line of thought would just lead me down a dark path that I didn’t want to be on, I said, “ Let’s go to the bakery and see Miss Peppa .”
The nurse walked with me out of the hospital, giving me his medications with a smile once I reached the truck I’d pulled around.
“ Don’t hesitate to call if you have any questions,” she suggested. “ But also, Dr . Howser is fantastic with the kids. He’ll be able to help you as well anytime. Just call his on-call service if it’s after hours.”
Handing me the paperwork, she left me to strap my boy into his car seat, which gave me a flashback of PTSD .
I was obviously not the only one, because when I started to put him into the seat, he started to freak the fuck out.
My stomach knotted.
And in the end, I ended up breaking the law and putting him in the front seat with me in his car seat.
He was sitting facing forward, too.
It’d taken me fifteen minutes to figure out how to turn the passenger side air bag off.
His eyes were wide and taking everything in as we pulled out into traffic.
My heart was in my throat.
Obviously , I’d driven kids around a lot before.
Nieces . Nephews . Hell , friends’ kids.
But something was different about driving your own.
Was this what it would’ve been like had I come home from the hospital with him?
Would I be with Emory right now had she told me?
What would’ve happened to my life had I gotten to spend the last two years with Forest from the moment he was born?
All those questions were useless to ask, though, because there would be no answers.
I would never know how it would feel.
But I did now.
I had him, and I would fight to keep him.
It would take an act of God to get him away from me.
Emory was about to find out what it was like to fight the devil, because I would not stop.
“ Hey , bud.” I pointed at the police car. “ That’s what I do. Daddy .” I pointed at myself. “ I’m a police officer.”
“ Peas offer?” he asked, turning his eyes to me.
I nodded, turning my gaze back to the road. “ That’s what I do. I’m a police officer.”
He opened and closed his fists, which I watched him do five times.
My heart kind of stalled there in my chest for a few moments as I looked down at my own hand, clenching and unclenching eight times.
Shit .
Had I passed that on to him?
My worries were everywhere as I drove the entire way to Pie Hard contemplating what else I’d shared with him through my genes.
Would he sleepwalk?
Was that even something that could be passed down through genetics?
I parked the truck in the front and was unsurprised when it caught the attention of Maven and Pepper .
Both women beamed as I got out of the truck.
I got Forest out of his seat and walked with him into the shop.
The moment we crossed the threshold, he said, “ Down !”
I put him down and he all but ran, putting his face onto the glass.
Both women behind the counter laughed.
His face lifted at the sound, and his eyes snagged on Pepper .
“ Peppa !” he cried out exuberantly.
My heart once again stalled in my chest as he all but sprinted around the display cases toward Pepper .
Fuck .
How had I misjudged her so badly?
Generally , I would trust a child’s intuition over an adult’s.
And he liked Pepper from the moment he’d awoken and seen her.
“ Well , hello there, Forest .” Pepper snagged my boy and pulled him up into her arms. “ Those are some nice sandals you have.”
Forest lifted his foot to examine his sandals. “ Peas offer.”
He then pointed at me.
“ Did your daddy buy those?” Pepper asked, turning him to face me.
“ Yes ,” he replied. “ Peas offer.”
“ Police officer?” Pepper asked. “ Yeah , he’s a police officer. He’s also your daddy.”
My stomach turned at her words.
Fuck me, but I was someone’s father.
Worry once again started to churn in my gut.
Could I be a good father?
Could I …?
“ Daddy .”
That word coming out of my son’s mouth.
That . Fucking . Word .
I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, his hand outstretched.
I walked to him and gently took that hand. “ Yes , bud?”
“ Andals .” He lifted his foot.
“ Yes , sandals,” I confirmed.
“ Cookie .”
I grinned.
There was yet another part of me shining through.
“ Let me tell you about the peach scones…”
Eventually Maven joined the conversation.
Her eyes had been bouncing between the three of us, a soft smile on her face, the entire time I’d helped Forest choose some treats.
She’d also left us shortly after to go back to her job of helping customers.
Pepper eventually had to help, too, because a bus full of kids came in with their school field trip.
Forest and I moved off to the side, trying to get as much out of the way as we could.
I watched Forest enjoy his treats and was pleasantly surprised when he kept going back to the peach scone like it was his favorite.
It made me feel good that he liked the things that I liked.
Which got me to thinking again about what else we would share.
Which was when horror started to overtake me as a thought popped into my mind that sent terror racing through my veins.
Sleepwalking .
I sleepwalked.
What if I accidentally got out of the house? What if I left the door open, and Forest followed me?
The panic must’ve shown on my face because Pepper peeled off from the customers she was conversing with and came over to the little table that was in the very corner of the little shop.
“ What is it?” she asked, using her fingers to run through Forest’s hair.
Forest looked up at her adoringly.
“ Um ,” I swallowed hard. “ Sleepwalking . I sleepwalk.”
I’d told her, of course.
I’d told her all about how I’d mostly grown out of it.
But the last two days, I’d woken up standing in front of the front door, trying to get out of it.
I’d luckily installed a locking system on all the doors that would keep me inside, but still.
What if I got out?
New things fucked with me.
New places. New people.
Stress was a huge factor in it, too.
I stacked and restacked the plates in front of me, over and over again, until Pepper took the plates from me and placed them behind the counter in the sink.
With nothing left to fiddle with, I picked up the toy car that I’d bought Forest a few days ago and started to gently roll it back and forth.
When she came back, she sat down at my side and said, “ I’ll stay with you tonight.”
The worry that was inside of my gut, nearly choking me to death, lessened. “ You will?”
I could’ve asked my parents, of course.
I could’ve asked any of my brothers or sisters-in-law.
I could’ve even asked a couple of my good friends.
But that hadn’t been who I’d wanted.
She was.
Not that I’d known that particular tidbit of information at the time.
But after she’d offered…
It felt… right.