Chapter 8
Jasper
My phone is mocking me. Mostly because I shut it off when I kept going through my messages with Arlo. It wasn’t doing me any good. All it did was make the ache in my heart almost unbearable, so I shut it off.
Better for me and for my heart.
The urge to text him is overwhelming. The need to hear his voice, even if it’s just in the short message of his voicemail, is nearly killing me. So, yeah, phone off is better for all of us.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t run away from me again at the diner. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that he wouldn’t speak to me at all. Or even want to be in the building with me. I saw him crouching in the alley next to Luca when I pulled out.
Yeah, that hurt quite a bit.
I sigh, turning off the TV. It’s not holding my attention, anyway. Nothing really is. Maybe I should just go to bed.
I’m pushing to my feet to do just that when the crunch of gravel in my driveway catches my attention. I squint at the window, nearly blinded by the headlights in the otherwise dark night.
I walk to the door, opening it to look outside. My heart skips a beat when Arlo climbs out of his car. He pauses when he sees me, eyes widening and mouth falling open.
We stare at each other for a second, and then he’s walking toward me. Am I dreaming? Is Arlo really here, walking toward me with determination etched in his expression?
There’s a hint of fear there too, his eyes darting to the side nervously as he gets closer.
When he’s right in front of me, head tilted back and staring at me with his beautiful mismatched eyes, I open my mouth, and the only words I can think to say spill out. “Baby boy.”
His chin quivers, and that’s nearly the end of me.
Tensing his jaw as if he’s trying to stop it, he breathes in deeply.
I want to reach for him and pull him into my arms. I want to inhale his scent and feel the warmth of his body against mine.
I want it so much that my fingers are flexing at my sides, barely contained, my self-control fraying the longer we stare at each other.
“I’m in love with you too,” he breathes.
Fuck. That’s all I can take. I hook an arm around his waist and draw him to me, slamming my mouth down on his. A wounded sound echoes in my throat when he kisses me back immediately, fingers tangling in my hair as he tugs on it.
It’s everything. He’s everything. My heart. My Arlo. My baby boy.
His hands leave my hair and settle on my chest. My heart jumps into my throat as my stomach swoops, only to lurch and tumble when I realize he’s pushing me away and not pulling me closer.
I nearly stumble backward with the force of the realization. “What did you push me away for?”
His chest heaves as he stares at me. “I need to talk to you about something.”
Just the words every man wants to hear. I sigh. “Come in.”
Arlo follows me inside, closing the door behind him and kicking his shoes off like he’s done a hundred times.
This time, there are no clothes flying, no playful teasing. Just Arlo’s tense body as he walks stiffly across my living room and sits down on the couch.
I sit down beside him, keeping a space between us that I don’t actually want.
His throat bobs heavily as he swallows over and over, almost compulsively. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think he was going to get sick. “Arlo?” I reach for him but drop my hand before it can connect. “Are you okay?”
He nods, squeezing his eyes closed. “I—”
Not knowing what he’s gonna say has a lead weight sitting in my stomach. I hate this. Hate, hate, fucking hate. “Talk to me, baby boy.”
Opening his eyes, he locks his gaze on mine. “Remember how you told me you don’t want kids?”
I hesitate, then nod. “Yes. But I didn’t say it quite like that. I said I never saw them in my future.”
Arlo sighs, slumping against the couch and covering his eyes with his hands. My chest aches. I want him in my arms. This is killing me.
“I’m not an only child.”
The words give me pause. “Okay. I didn’t know that.”
Would I be considered an only child now? Is that what happens when you lose your sibling? Do you become an only child?
“Salem and Nora,” Arlo continues. “Salem is fifteen, and Nora is ten.”
I nod, trying to keep up. “Why haven’t you mentioned them before?”
He shrugs. “Dunno, really. Seems dumb now that I think about it.”
“You’re not dumb, Arlo.”
Grimacing, he shakes his head. “What do you want from me? Like our relationship?”
I inhale a deep breath. This might be my only chance to tell him.
“Marriage.” His eyes dart to mine. “Early morning cuddles and late-night sex and showering together. I want to hold your hand in public.” Once the words start flowing, I can’t stop them.
“I want the next fifty years if I’ve got that long.
Game nights where we host for our friends.
I want to help all your dreams come true, and I want to give you everything you want and need.
I want to love you from now until the end of time. I want everything, Arlo. Everything.”
He watches me for a second. “And if I told you I was a package deal? That even though your future plans don’t involve kids, I come with two?”
Before I have a chance to answer him, he’s rushing on, his words coming out faster and faster. “Salem and Nora are in foster care, and I’m fighting to get them. They need me and I—” He shakes his head. “I need them. I have a home visit next week with their caseworker.”
My heart lurches. “What are they like?”
Arlo’s brows draw together. “What do you mean?”
“Salem and Nora,” I prompt. “What are they like?”
After searching my eyes for what feels like forever, Arlo sighs.
“Amazing. Nora is so smart. She gets all A’s.
She has since she started school. She’s sweet.
Sensitive. I don’t get to talk to her as much as I’d like, but she’s really excited about coming to live with me.
And Salem—he’s… strong. He’s had to be. He’s protective and a little stubborn, but he has a huge heart. ”
Something seems to take over Arlo when he’s talking about his siblings. His voice strengthens, and his tone becomes a little more fierce.
And something about that—about seeing that shift—makes my heart ache. Arlo’s been hiding this from me. From everyone. And I love him. I love him so much. I love the way he sounds when he talks about them; it’s like seeing a whole new side of him. But it also hurts. It hurts so goddamn much.
“Can I hold you?” I ask, my voice frantic even to my own ears.
Arlo’s eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
“I haven’t had you in my arms in over a week, baby boy. It’s fucking hell on earth. I want to hold you.”
I lift my arm, holding my breath as Arlo stares at me before finally moving across the couch and leaning into my side.
He drapes his legs over mine, then rests his head against my chest. I’m sure it’s not the most comfortable position, but my soul instantly calms at his proximity.
His scent floods my senses, and the warmth of his body soothes the ragged edges of my heartbreak.
It’s strange… being hurt by someone but still feeling like only they can make it better.
When I’m a little calmer, I rest my hand on his thigh. “How long have they been in foster care?”
“Over a year.” He sounds ashamed. “I’ve been trying to get them for a while.
It’s… it’s why I was so hesitant to start something with you.
I knew I needed to focus on them, and hooking up with you, taking that for myself—it felt…
I don’t know. Selfish, I guess.” He sighs, his body almost trembling.
“But I just… I couldn’t stay away. I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. ”
I cup his face, tilting it back so I can look at him.
Fear flashes in his eyes, and it makes my heart ache even more.
This sucks. And I’m not sure what’s worse.
That I can’t immediately fix his fears, or that this is the first time he’s told me about this—the first time that he’s opened up to me like this.
I don’t think I realized until this very moment how much I longed for that.
“I’ve had feelings for you for a long time too, baby boy. Almost since the very beginning.”
He nods, his eyes falling shut. “That’s what made it so scary. I thought I couldn’t have you. And then, there you were. Mine.” My heart thumps. Damn right, I’m his. “Only I didn’t think I was allowed to have you. So I took you in the only way I thought I could.”
I press a soft kiss to his lips. “And if you could have me in other ways? What does that look like?”
Arlo inhales deeply. “All the things you said earlier. I want all those things too. I—” He shakes his head, then lowers his voice. “I know the kids change things… but I—”
He stops abruptly, shaking his head again, almost helplessly.
He’s right. It changes things. But, really… it’s not even the kids. It’s that he didn’t talk to me. He didn’t trust me.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask softly.
Arlo’s eyebrows draw together in confusion. “You want me to? But… but what about the kids?”
I already know nothing will change how I feel about Arlo, and maybe things will look different for us, but right now…
Right now I just have an awful ache in my chest, the raw pain of how much I missed him.
And even though I’m also hurt that he essentially lied to me for almost a year, it’s nothing compared to the ache of missing him.
“We can talk more about the kids tomorrow if that’s okay. I just missed you so much.” My eyes burn, and at my words, tears well up in Arlo’s. “I’m not saying no. I just… I want to sleep on it. And I want to sleep with you.”
He bites his lower lip. “Are you upset with me?”
The question is whisper-soft, and I answer in the only way I can—with total honesty. “I’m hurt.” Panic flashes in his gaze. “But I’m also exhausted and heartsick, and for some reason, you’re the only thing that can help the ache.”
He nods slowly. “I really want to stay with you. I—I know I should have told you. I should have done a lot of things differently, but I can’t change that now.”