Chapter 18
Arlo
I startle awake at what sounds like someone coughing.
It’s weird. A leftover reflex from taking care of Salem and Nora growing up. When you have shitty parents, you find yourself taking care of your younger siblings more often than not.
A cough in the middle of the night might mean there’s a toddler throwing up. It might mean someone has a fever and needs medicine and a cool washcloth for their forehead.
But I’m not a kid, and sadly, Salem and Nora aren’t with me. Not anymore. Not yet.
I force my eyes open, surprised for a second when I’m at Jasper’s house.
There’s another noise, and I squint my eyes in the dark, then pat the bed next to me to try to wake Jasper up to see if he heard it too.
Coming up empty, I frown, then sit up and look around the room. He’s not in here with me.
I carefully climb out of bed. My meds have worn off, and my ribs are sore. Not as bad as they were, but still enough that I don’t want to make any quick movements. I tiptoe across the floor.
“Jasper?” I call out, my heart starting to pound in my ears.
A throat clears from the direction of the bathroom, and I slump in relief. “Be right out, baby boy.”
His voice sounds wrong. Choked off and pained. “Are you sick?”
I step closer to the door, pressing my ear to it. It’s dark in there, no light spilling out from under it. I frown. Why is he in the bathroom with the light off?
“Jasper?” I turn the handle, pushing against the door only for it to be slammed shut when I’ve only gotten it open a couple of inches. “What the fuck?”
“Just—” There’s a sharp inhale and then, “Give me a second, please.”
Well, fuck that. “Let me in.” I rest my forehead against the door, then rap on it with my knuckles. “If you’re sick, I want to take care of you.”
I mean, it’s not gonna be easy with the current state of my body, but taking care of Nora when she got her first stomach bug when I was only fourteen wasn’t easy either. Especially not when Salem started throwing up the second I got her cleaned up.
At least Jasper is an adult and can make it to the toilet. Probably, anyway.
“No. I’m not sick. Baby boy, I love you, but please—just… go back to bed.”
Tears blur my vision. Did I do something wrong? I don’t understand. I squeeze my eyes closed, then turn around, carefully lowering myself to the floor, resting the back of my head against the heavy wood.
“I’m just gonna sit right here,” I whisper, though I’m not sure he can even hear me.
It’s quiet for a second, and then there’s another sound. This one doesn’t sound like a cough or like retching. It sounds like—
I bolt to my feet, gasping at the pain that spirals through me, and beat on the door with my fist. “Goddammit, Jasper. Let me in.” He doesn’t, so I knock again. “Baby, please.”
I try the handle again, pushing hard against the door since I’m expecting it to be shut in my face again like before, and nearly stumble when it opens easily.
Flipping the switch on in a rush, my eyes adjust to the bright light, and I find Jasper sitting on the floor just inside the door, his knees drawn up and his face hidden in his hands.
I drop to my knees in front of him, my heart hammering.
“Baby,” I whisper, catching his hands in mine and pulling them away from his face.
He fights me for a second, but when the exertion forces a pained groan from my throat, he drops them.
I blink at him in surprise. Finding my boyfriend crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night wasn’t what I expected.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly, reaching out to tilt his face up.
It feels weird. Different. But not bad. I’m not usually the one taking care of Jasper like this, and something warm spreads through my veins at the knowledge that I get to be here for him.
I get to love him and be loved by him. I get those things because he was brave enough to say the quiet part out loud and then fight for me.
Because he pulled me from a burning building; because he rescued me.
He shakes his head, trying to pull away from me.
“Would holding me make you feel better?”
Hesitating for a second, he inhales deeply, then nods. It’s barely there, but it’s all the answer I need.
I move his knees, forcing him to make room for me, then I plant myself in his lap, straddling him and wrapping my arms around his neck.
His arms hook around my waist, and he pulls me to him, cradling me as my chest presses against his.
Burying his face in my throat—the non-burned side—he breathes in deeply, almost like he’s trying to inhale me.
He’s trembling, and it’s getting worse. “Talk to me,” I all but beg.
“Do you know,” he chokes out roughly, “why I became a firefighter?”
“No.” Sliding my fingers into his hair, I close my eyes. “Will you tell me?”
Nodding against my throat, he draws in several deep breaths.
“When I was young, I was a dumbass,” he starts. “All kids are, to a point. But I was a real dumbass.”
His next breath is shaky, and even though sitting like this is starting to make my body ache, I press closer, rubbing my face against his and playing with the strands of his hair.
“When I was sixteen, I snuck out of the house.” His voice has dropped to a monotone. Lifeless and dull. “There was a party. It was stupid, but I wanted to go. My mom was working nights. I shouldn’t have left Sarah alone.”
Sarah? Jasper pauses, but I don’t want to interrupt him, so instead I keep rubbing his scalp and letting him feel me in his arms.
“I came back just before midnight, and… my house was on fire,” he chokes out, his body starting to shake violently. “Sarah was… she was in the yard, and I—I ran to her. She was lifeless. Like you were.”
A chill races down my spine. I’ve never heard of Sarah before now, and I already know this story doesn’t have a happy ending.
“I called 911, and I started doing CPR. I didn’t know what I was doing. Not really. But I—I was doing it right.” He swallows hard. “I know because I felt it when I broke her ribs,” he says, voice cracking. “Just like I felt it when I broke yours.”
“Oh, baby,” I whisper, my heart clenching at the pain and regret in his voice.
“She died, Arlo. She died, and it was all my fault. If I had been there… My mom lost her baby. I lost my sister, and it was all my fault. And I almost lost you. I almost lost you the same fucking way. I can’t—” His voice cuts off with a broken sob, and wetness coats my neck as he buries his face deeper.
His chest heaves against mine, and tears fall down my cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, trying to be strong for him the way he always is for me.
“I became a firefighter for her. To honor her.”
I try to keep myself together as the man I love falls apart in my arms, his big body shaking with each ragged sob and gasp that rips from his throat.
Even through all this, he’s being impossibly gentle with me, and I fucking hate the fact that I can’t let him squeeze me the way I know he really wants to.
He pulls back and locks eyes with me. “I can’t lose you, Arlo. I can’t go through that again. I won’t survive lowering another person I love into the ground. I just can’t.”
“You didn’t,” I whisper. “I’m right here. I’m safe. You saved me. I’m alive because you saved me.”
There are salt tracks on his face, and his eyes are swollen, and I realize that I don’t even know how long he’s been in here on his own. His blue eyes bounce around my face, taking me in. It’s almost like he’s trying to reassure himself that I’m really here.
But I am. I’m alive, and I’m here, and I’m his.
And maybe I won’t be forever, and maybe I really am just good for sex, and maybe he won’t want me next month or next year or in five.
Right now, though, he’s looking at me like I’m the sole reason for his existence, and my stomach flips wildly as my heart pounds out an unsteady beat.
I dive forward, pressing my lips to his in a rush, tasting the salt of his tears.
“Baby boy,” he breathes against my lips. “You’ll hurt yourself.”
Shaking my head, I kiss him again. And again. He tangles a hand in my hair, drawing me closer to him as he deepens the kiss.
Finally, we break apart, and I rest my forehead against his. A pit opens up in my stomach. I got to be a big brother again today. “I’m sorry about your sister.”
Jasper shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. I just… I fell asleep thinking about her, and I had a nightmare and woke up having a panic attack. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“You should have.”
“You need rest, baby boy.”
“No.” I pull back far enough that I can make eye contact with him. “I need you, and you need me. And you shouldn’t have hidden away from me like that.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve cried over Sarah. It’s just… been a lot. Which sounds selfish, considering I’m not even the one who lost everything and almost died.”
I blink at him. “You kinda almost did, though.” He cocks his head. My stomach flips at what I’m about to say. The implications alone are almost too much to handle. “If the same thing happened to you—if you almost died in a fire—I’d feel the same way you do. You kinda did almost lose everything.”
Jasper studies me for a second, then huffs out a quiet laugh. “I don’t get you sometimes, Arlo.”
“What do you mean?”
He cradles my face, rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone before pressing it to my lower lip. He does that a lot. “You so confidently say you’re my everything, and losing you would nearly kill me—which is true—and yet…” He shakes his head. “Why do you think you’re only good for sex?”
How in the hell did this get turned back on me? “Um…” I swallow hard. “It’s just always been about sex with us.” I shrug. “And you’re always talking about how attractive you find me. Since that very first night when you took me home from the bar.”
He was so gentle with me that night, rocking into me like he’d waited his whole life for it. The entire time, though, he talked about how beautiful I was. How much he wanted me. How much I turned him on.
“I don’t have anything else going for me. I didn’t then, and I have even less now. The only reason I’m not homeless is because of your generosity.” I pause, my throat going tight. “You’re older than me, and you’re successful, and you have this nice house.”
Jasper’s eyes soften as he cocks his head.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “Like… I worked so fucking hard to get that house. I saved money for almost a year to get Salem and Nora beds, and you just… did it in a single day. It wasn’t even a thing for you. What could you possibly see in me long term aside from my looks? Aside from our sex?”
“Everything, Arlo,” Jasper whispers, cupping my face and pulling me closer.
So close that our noses bump together. “I see everything in you. Early mornings waking up tangled in each other’s arms, holidays and game nights, staying up late and staring into your eyes until I can’t stay up any longer.
And yes, sex. But so much more than that too.
I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you.
And it’s terrifying and awful and amazing and perfect. ”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I want all of that too,” I whisper. “I’m just so afraid that you’re going to stop wanting me. And then what will I be?”
“I’ll never stop wanting you, my sweet baby boy.” Jasper presses his lips to mine in a soft kiss. “And you’ll be mine.” Another kiss. “You are mine, right?”
I nod. “I’m yours,” I breathe.
He drops another kiss on my lips. “Good. Then you’ll be mine. My baby boy. My love. My heart. And we’ll get Salem and Nora and be a family. I haven’t had a family in a very long time.”
Me neither, really. Not in all the ways that matter. “You really want to do this with me, don’t you?”
“Are you going to doubt me forever, Arlo?”
My heart clangs at the hurt in his voice. “No. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, baby boy. I don’t need you to be sorry.” He brushes his nose against mine. “I just need you to trust me.”
“I do,” I whisper. Resting my head on his shoulder, I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. “Are you okay now?”
Jasper hums. “I will be. This helps. Having you in my arms.”
“You should have woken me up. I want to be there for you. I want to support you.” A burn starts at the back of my nose. “I love you.”
“Fuck,” Jasper breathes. “I love you too. So much.”
I nod. “Can we go back to bed?”
Without a word, Jasper slides his hands under my ass and pushes to his feet, cradling me against his body as he carries me out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.
Sighing, I slump into him. “It’s so hot how you can carry me around.”
“First my outlet checker and now this?” Jasper teases, his voice lighter than it’s been all night.
“I’m a simple man,” I tease back.
Jasper snorts. “You might be the most complicated man I’ve ever met.”
“Fair enough,” I say, laughing a bit.
“How’s your pain, baby boy? Do you need more medicine?”
I shake my head. I’m a little sore, but it’s nothing I can’t handle, and I don’t want to take any more medicine right now. I don’t like the way it makes me feel, and I want to be alert.
In case Jasper needs me again.
“Will you wake me up if you have another bad dream?” I ask when we’re back in bed and curled up with each other.
“Yes,” Jasper answers after a few seconds of silence.
“You’ve gotta promise,” I say softly.
“I promise.”
I snuggle deeper into his hold, pressing my forehead to his chest. “Thank you.”
His hand lands on my back, and he keeps it there as my body goes slack.
When I wake to the sounds of birds chirping and the sun streaming through the windows, Jasper is still asleep, and his hand is still pressed to my back.