11. Heather
11
HEATHER
“ O h, wow,” I mutter to myself quietly as I watch Landon sleeping calmly beside me, looking like the happiest man alive. “Is this for real? Am I actually here with Landon freaking Ross? Oh, my God, I must be losing my mind.”
I keep reaching out to touch him, just to check that he’s really here, but not enough to wake him up. I giggle like a giddy schoolgirl with a crush, like I’m seventeen years old all over again, and I love it. I’ve missed this carefree version of myself. I would love to be her again… well, if I ignore the danger surrounding my life, that is. Bill Ross and his gang, the human trafficking, all of that could still be happening. Plus, there’s the fear that my job is screwed now, that I’ll never be able to go back to it. I haven’t even spoken to my boss about this mess yet. I don’t know how I’ll address that issue, what he’s going to say…
“Stop it,” I whisper to myself as I smack my palm to my forehead. “Don’t worry about things you can’t control. There’s no point. You will only stress yourself out and not get anywhere. Worry means nothing. Productiveness is everything… probably.”
God, what am I even thinking? I don’t even know what I’m talking to myself about. It’s all just nonsense. Words are just flooding me because I’m all worked up about everything and I don’t know how to shake this off. I don’t know how to be okay.
Instead, I would much rather think about Landon and what this could lead to… but I suppose I can’t think too much about the future without worrying. The idea that I could stay here forever and live in these terrifying, overwhelming feelings for the rest of my life can’t be considered without the concept that all the danger might come for us at some point. It’s definitely out there.
I push myself up into a sitting position and curl my knees up to my chest while I allow all of this to wash over me. For the last few years, my future has been set in stone. I would keep working as a journalist, living in the same apartment, maybe dating now and again, all while trying to make my father see me as an adult rather than the child he believes me to be.
Now, though, I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I don’t even know what the next hour will bring, and that’s scary. The foundation that I’ve been building myself on has been ripped out from underneath me, and I can’t rebuild it anytime soon.
It might turn out alright, I try to convince myself as my breathing becomes heavy once more. This could be a good thing.
I suppose if I really think about it, I was stuck in a rut. I wasn’t exactly living the dream, was I? Things weren’t so perfect that I wouldn’t change anything. It was okay, but not enough. It wasn’t everything . I guess for people like me, I need something dramatic to snap me out of my shell and make me move on. I just need to get myself over this hump to see what’s next.
“Landon isn’t a criminal.” I nod to myself. “Dad thought he might be because of his parents, but he isn’t. Dad was wrong, just as I knew he would be.” It’s kind of annoying, actually, that he wouldn’t listen to me. Even then, I knew.
That’s a great thing, really. It means my father was wrong about that part, but when he eventually finds out what Bill Ross did to me and what he tried to do to me, then he’s going to lose his shit for sure. Oh, God, I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid. Something that could result in his losing his job. I might want to separate myself from my father by using a pen name and everything, but he’s good at his job. Ruthless, maybe, but really good, and it’s his identity. I don’t know who my father would be without his police work. I can’t let happen because of me and my job. I need to work this out somehow.
Of course, I’m also going to have to bring Landon and my father together again somehow, but that’s another thing I can’t worry about just yet. That shit won’t go well. I just know that my dad will hold on to the same resentments that he did fourteen years ago. He won’t give Landon a chance, just like he didn’t way back when. Not unless I figure it out somehow. I guess I’ll have to be a mediator between two men who are strong and powerful in a dreadful way. Urgh, that will be a nightmare.
“You and Landon have been brought back together for a reason,” I whisper to myself with my hand pressed against my head, wishing the headache would go the hell away. “Fate made this happen for a reason. We’re here, together. We need to make the most of it. My God, think of all the times you’ve wanted this to happen, all the times you’ve dreamed of it, wanted it.”
And I have, too. I can admit that now in the darkness, with Landon beside me. For over a decade, ever since I got my tattoo and I took it to show Landon, I’ve dreamed about ways that we could find one another once more and restart the best relationship that I’ve ever had in my life. Now it’s here, and I need to make the best of it. I need to enjoy it so freaking much.
I lean into him and hug him tight, bringing that smile back on my face where it belongs. Sure, tomorrow could change everything all over again, so that’s even more reason to enjoy this moment. Then tomorrow, we can maybe discuss how we’re going to make our completely contrasting lives mesh together and work. There has to be a way if we have enough love.
Love conquers all. It has to. Otherwise, what’s the point of everything? Love needs to be the answer.
“Just go to sleep,” I hiss angrily at myself. “Enjoy sleeping next to this man just in case it’s the only time.”
Funny how when I was lying on the couch watching a movie with Landon, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, but now when I should be emotionally drained and finished, my brain is spinning too fiercely for me to shut off for even a moment. Thoughts are darting everywhere all over the place, and they aren’t the good ones I had before. I can no longer drift off imagining the past and the present together because I’m too mixed up and confused. I wish I could join Landon in rest, but I can’t.
“Water.” All of a sudden, I decide to leave the bed and get myself a drink as if that might calm my body down a little bit. I slide out of the bedsheets carefully because I don’t want to disturb Landon, and I head over to the door. At first, I make my way into the kitchen and grab myself a drink because it’s the only thing on my mind, but very quickly, curiosity takes over.
Landon Ross isn’t someone I’ve been able to track down online. He seems to have kept his life very private, but now I want to find out more about him. I get a sense of who he is being back in his arms, and I can see that he’s a good person just like he always was, but I want to know everything. I don’t intend to sneak around and look at anything private, but when we came to his apartment, I was all freaked out and didn’t get a chance to see what he has on display. Now I can. I see it all too well.
Feeling just the littlest bit naughty, I creep around his home, just to see what I can find, and honestly, I’m stunned. His home is a lot like mine, devoid of anything meaningful, anything that suggests a life has been started. I’m shocked by the matching empty walls and the lack of photographs anywhere. I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t decorated my home properly until now.
It’s almost as if we’ve both been living in limbo for far too long, just waiting for our real life to begin. I kinda feel a flow of happiness surging through my body as I consider this. At least it isn’t just me who’s been waiting. This could have been awful if it had turned out that he had truly moved on with his life and I was the only one clinging to the past.
My God, if I had come here and discovered a family, a wife, a life without me, it would crush me. I would have had to run back out into danger, into Bill’s stupid plan for me just to get away. I wouldn’t be strong enough. The heartbreak and embarrassment would absolutely finish me off. I shudder painfully at the mere idea of it and it hasn’t even happened.
I’m not crazy. I was right to cling to what happened years ago. Now I don’t feel nearly so bad for holding on as long as I have. All the times I'd tried to convince myself that it was time to move on and date around to find the right guy, I was wrong. There was a reason I held off from it and could never give myself over to the process completely. It’s because of this right here. Because Landon and I were always going to find our way back to one another. I feel okay about it now.
With that one thought in mind and a total sense that love really will be the answer and we will make it together, I take my sorry ass back to bed where I can finally lie down and enjoy a sense of peace. We might have a lot of shit surrounding us, and of course, it’s going to be a bit crazy to deal with all of this, but it’ll be worth it. I can fight for that knowing that it will lead me to having absolutely everything. All my dreams will come true if I battle for Landon.
Finally, I snuggle in close to Landon once more and breathe him in deep. My God, even his masculine scent is utterly intoxicating. I could lie here and smell him all day long. There is still something very familiar about his smell. I’ve never forgotten that, but there is a newness to it too. I guess that’s a good representation of him and me, isn’t it? There will be a lot of familiarity going on, but a lot of differences too. We’re adults now, and things can progress a whole lot further. It’s exciting, thrilling, but warm and comforting too. The idea of falling back in love with Landon, or maybe even accepting that I’ve always been in love with him, isn’t terrifying. Giving anything up to commit to him wouldn’t trouble me at all. Even knowing that his father is a scary criminal and that his mother might be too, and even knowing that my father would hate it doesn’t bother me.
Landon and I are destiny. I knew it when I was a teenager, I knew it when I got my tattoo, and I know it now. I know it with every inch of my heart and I’m going to find a way to fight for this, to make it happen. Whatever it takes.