Chapter 31-Ezra
Putting yourself in the penalty box doesn’t prevent others from making plays.
On the ice and in the boardroom, I’ve never been one to shy away from a fight. So, what makes it different with my kid brother? More than that though, it was the wounded look in Callie’s eyes when she told me to get out. Would she be happier if I’d left her be in the first place? She told me she wanted to forget us both.
Since he sucker punched me, Chase and I haven’t been in the same room which is probably wisest but I’m not surprised when he calls me Monday morning to lay on a guilt trip… and gloat. “What do you mean you’re seeing Callie tonight?”
“It was a shitty thing you did keeping my son from me.”
“Those were Callie’s wishes and I respected them.” It was Callie’s right to live her life with her son after my brother told her to get an abortion and never bothered to follow up with her. I don’t give a shit about the money he gave her. He should’ve paid far more than that in child support by now.
“I’m your blood, Ezra.”
“So is Wyatt.” We’re both getting angry again and that’s not helping anything. “Chase, this goes beyond what anyone kept from you. Callie and I are…”
“Are what? If it’s more than sex, how come she kicked us both out on Saturday?”
“Because she was upset and trying to protect Wyatt after you marched in like a bull in a China shop and announced you were his father.”
“He’s my kid, Ezra. Why should I beat around the bush about it?”
“It’s not about you, Chase. It’s about the child’s feelings.”
“His mother and I have things to figure out that don’t involve you. I intend to fix things with her.”
“Fix things? Are you suggesting you’re planning to get back together with her?”
“Yeah.” I can’t help it. I laugh. Until he adds, “Just remember she was with me first.”
“I wasn’t aware dating her six years ago meant you’d marked her for all eternity,” I say, sarcastically. “How did you know about the birthday party Saturday or to follow me to the hockey rink the other night?”
“I have my sources. People always notice where the famous Falcon goes. You’re not standing in the way of what’s best for us.”
“Best for us or best for you? I’m more interested in what’s best for Wyatt. And, I’m pretty damn certain Callie doesn’t want you.”
“Are you, Ezra? She couldn’t stand you back then even if you had the hots for her.”
Ouch.
He ends the call and, an hour later, I’m still reeling from that conversation, all my insecurities playing off one another. While bumbling my way through a text conversation with Callie, Celeste informs me my father is at the office and wants to see me. “He’s here? And, he didn’t just barge in like usual? Never mind. Send him in.”
One glance tells me everything. Dad knows. Chase has told him he has a grandson and I’ve been keeping it a secret from them. My guilt intensifies. “Dad…”
“Do you have a picture of him?” he asks, strangely quiet for a change.
I pull out my phone, scrolling for a picture. Callie took a selfie of the three of us a couple of weeks ago and texted it to me. My father stares at the image and I stare at him, noting the wrinkles and gray hairs I ordinarily disregard.
“She’s lovely and he’s… well, he’s a beautiful little boy, isn’t he? He’s wearing a hockey jersey.”
“He plays but he just turned five. He’s not sure he wants to keep playing. And, that’s okay if he does or doesn’t.” I’m suddenly feeling very protective of Wyatt’s choice.
Dad glances up with a sad smile. “Of course, it is. Ezra, I loved my boys. Hockey or no hockey, it wouldn’t have stopped me from loving you. I hope you never doubted it.”
I shove the words past that lump in my throat. “I sometimes… after she left, I didn’t want to let you down.” I didn’t want to give my father a reason to leave me, too.
“God, Ezra. No. Never.” He wraps his hand around my neck, pulling our heads together but there’s no playful tap to the ribs this time. “I love you more than hockey. Much, much more. There is no comparing the two things in my heart. I’m sorry if I failed to express it as plainly as I should’ve. I was never good at emotions, especially when I was…” He shakes his head and releases me. “So, she is the lady you’ve been seeing with a son you mentioned.” He hands my phone back. “I hope I may meet him.”
“I hope so, too.” It feels like such an inadequate thing to say but I can’t make promises about Callie’s son without her consent.
“Will you take an old man to lunch and tell me more about him?”
Lunch turns into an afternoon and fades into evening. All these years, I don’t recall ever speaking to my father this way.
“You love her.” It’s not a question but I nod in reply anyway. “And, the boy?”
“Both of them. With all of my heart.”
“Yet, you are allowing Chase the opportunity to meet with her tonight.”
“He is Wyatt’s father.”
“There’s a world of difference between what it takes to be a father and what it takes to be a good dad. All it takes to father a child is a single cell. But, a cell doesn’t watch a child’s first steps with tears in its eyes or comfort them when they fall down. It can’t provide food for their hungry bellies or defend them with its dying breath either. Those are things a dad can do.”
“But, Callie can, too, and she has. She has the right to make up her mind about how much she’ll allow me in their lives.”
“True but, if you love this woman, why are you stepping back? You are not as headstrong as your brother but this isn’t like you either.”
“She wanted to be left alone but I pursued her anyway. My pursuit led to Wyatt being hurt on Saturday. I hate myself for it.”
“Your brother bears more of the blame for that than you do.”
“But, what if, given the choice, she decides I’m not her choice? She loved him once. What if she decides she might love him again? Or, what if she might prefer a life without either of us in it… like Mom did?” I put my head in my hands when I see my father’s pained expression. “I don’t mean to hurt you mentioning her.”
The warmth of his hand on my shoulder has me looking up again. “Ezra, nothing you or your brother did was to blame for that. She felt neglected. She was neglected by her husband because I was so determined to achieve greatness for my sons, greatness that I never had the talent to achieve myself no matter how hard I worked at it. Pride was my sin. Adultery was hers.”
My jaw drops. “Jesus, Dad. I didn’t-”
“You didn’t know and I didn’t want to talk about it. It was a knife to my pride. Perhaps I might’ve found reconciliation with her in time or we might’ve simply divorced. But, she fell in love with that man and he didn’t want kids that weren’t his. She made a choice. Her choice to leave you boys, that I could not find it in my heart to forgive. But, never believe that is because you were lacking in some way. You were always worthy of our love simply by being you.”
I’m so stunned I have to sit. Dad’s arms close around me and the painful truth. In time though, I know it’s the embrace rather than the pain I’ll remember. My father loves me, in that perfectly imperfect and wonderfully human way.
∞∞∞
Later that night, I’m alone at my place and thinking through everything. I could feel some peace over the past at last if the present wasn’t troubling me so much. I spoke to Celeste before I left the office. I need to let Callie know that well-intentioned leak has been plugged. I need to let Callie know lots of things.
Is Chase still having dinner with her? If I knew where the hell they were meeting, I’d go there, stroll right in and throw down the gauntlet. I want her, I want her son to be mine and I want her to want me. I don’t care if my brother accepts it gracefully or not.
“Don’t let him cut in,”she’d once told me.
Fuck it. I’m calling. I’m going to her tonight. I have to tell her what’s in my heart and see what she’ll say.
But, as I pick up my phone, it starts ringing. It’s not Callie’s number, it’s Waela’s. Sheesh, if she might be my mother-in-law eventually, best not to ignore her.
“Ezra?You working?”
It’s not Waela.
My throat nearly closes up, hearing his sweet, little voice. “No, Bump. I’m at home. Where are you?”
“At Grammy’s house.”
“That’s good. Wyatt, I’ve missed-”
“Do you not like me now?”
“What? Of course, I like you. I love-”
“I didn’t know my wish would make everything bad, Ezra.”
“What wish? And, what’s bad? You sound upset.”
Actually, there are some upset adults talking in the background and my stomach clenches with worry. I grab my keys and hit the elevator button. It’ll take a bit to get to Oakland but I’ll crawl there if necessary to get to them.
“Wyatt, are you still there?” He’s gone quiet and I wonder if he’s calling me without permission again. “What wish do you mean?”
“My birthday wish. I wished for my daddy to come home but… I thought it would be you, Ezra. I wanted it to be you.”
Ah, Christ. My heart can’t stand this. “Wyatt, I promise you-”
“Did you know that loud man?”
“The loud man?” He must mean Chase. “Yeah, I do.” I start the engine and leap out of my parking spot. “Could you put your mother on the phone? I need to talk to-”
“Mama’s scared and upset. Grammy and Pop-Pop are mad. Mama’s boss is here, too. Mr. Dean.”
“Dean Culver is at your grandmother’s house?”
Perplexed, I wait for Wyatt’s reply but no answer comes. I hear Waela talking and Wyatt whimpering before the call ends abruptly and I’m left staring at the phone.
When I try to call back, it won’t go through. I’ve been blocked.