CHAPTER 53 Miller Banks
Better Off Without Me
I glance at Tanner and shake my head.
This was the exact wrong moment to pick up a call, but I’ve missed so many from her today that I don’t want her to think I’m purposely ignoring her even though that’s not the case at all.
The truth is that I’ve been working my tail off since I got here. All of us have.
The media is here this evening, and we just sat through rounds of interviews. The organization let some fans in for media day, and they were all yelling when my phone started ringing.
I duck into the tunnel since it’s quiet in there even though I’m not supposed to leave the field, and I call her back.
She doesn’t answer.
I decide to send a text message to try to clear things up.
Me: Sorry, fans were yelling when I picked up.
It shows as delivered, but I have no clue if she read it or not.
She doesn’t call me back, and I’m not sure my text was very clear—the very problem with trying to communicate over text versus on the phone. Does she know it’s media day? Does she even know what media day is?
Probably not because I haven’t taken the time to inform her.
It’s like I have two different lives—the football life and the personal life, and they’re suddenly not merging together the way they should be.
Maybe because Sophie has been a part of my life for so long, but she was never really a part of my football life, barring the times in high school when she was a cheerleader for our team.
But a new fear pulses in me as I think about the fact that this is really our first time away from each other since we got together, and we’re already struggling. It’s not like it’s going to get easier the more time we spend apart.
I think about my penchant for getting ahead of problems before they become issues.
I can’t help but wonder if she’s better off without me. I feel like all I’m doing is hurting her, and that’s the last thing I want to do.
I blow out a breath as I return to the seat beside my brother.
“Did you talk to her?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Maybe tonight,” he says.
I lift a shoulder. “Yeah, maybe.”
“What’s going on, man?”
“What if she’s better off without me?” I realize this is neither the time nor the place for this conversation, but Tanner usually has a way of making me feel better.
Usually.
Today is not one of those times.
“What if she is?” he asks.
What the fuck, bro? I was waiting for him to calm my nerves and tell me there’s no way that could possibly be true.
Does he really think that ?
I don’t get a chance to ask because he’s called back to the media table for more interviews.
But now it’s a thought swirling around my mind, and it’s going to send me into a spiral.
I would do anything for her…and that includes leaving her if I think she’s better off without me.
I don’t know what that looks like. She’s living in my fucking house, for one thing. I’m away for two weeks. I’ve been gone less than forty-eight hours, and I’m already questioning whether she deserves better.
Of course she does. She deserves someone who can be present for her. Who can show up for her.
She deserves the guy I am in the offseason, not the guy who travels from city to city playing a game every week. Not the guy who’s gone for two weeks at training camp, leaving her back home.
I only get to be that guy for half the year. The other half, I’m a football player first. I have to be. I have teammates relying on me to be.
But…so does Tanner, and he managed to strike a balance. Or not. This is his first season playing with Cassie in his life. Maybe they’re struggling, too, and maybe that’s where his words are coming from.
The difference is that he’s married now.
This was never an issue in previous seasons, but I’ve also never had to leave someone behind who I was so deeply in love with.
And sometimes that deep kind of love means sacrificing the things that you want in order to give the other person what they need.
And I think Sophie needs someone who can be present for her.
Spencer slides into the seat beside me. “You doing okay? ”
I lift a shoulder. “Hanging in there.” I glance over at him. “How do you manage to keep the balance between your career and your wife?”
His brows dip. “I don’t know if I do. I think it’s more her understanding what this job entails than anything special I’m doing. Why do you ask?”
I lift a shoulder as I start to bare my soul to my half-brother. “It suddenly feels like I’m choosing between Sophie and this career. I know that’s not the case. She would never make me choose.”
But in a lot of ways, that’s what it comes down to in my own head.
“But you’re making yourself choose?” he guesses.
“Kind of, I guess.” I blow out a breath.
“Why can’t you have both?”
It’s food for thought, I guess.
“How are things going for the wide receivers?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Madden Bradley is giving me a run for my money, man. He’s a couple years older than me but fast as hell.
” He shakes his head like he needs to get his shit together to keep his place on the team.
“But he’s also got his father breathing down his neck to take over the family business when he retires, so he’s got a lot of pressure on him.
I’m not sure how long he’ll stay in the game, but he’s a hell of a player, and we’re lucky to have him. ”
“We got quite the acquisition in that trade deal,” I murmur.
He nods. “Chicago got rid of an all-star, that’s for sure. It’ll be a battle.”
“May the best receiver win,” I say, meaning it as a joke because surely it’s Spencer, but I’m not sure it lands that way since he’s currently worried it’s not him at all .
This is a serious business. Any number of guys would give up anything to be in our position—including relationships. Family. Careers.
I guess I just thought I’d have a stronger base with Sophie going into the season considering the foundation of friendship we were building upon, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Instead, it’s missed calls and misunderstood texts and a general lonely feeling.
She has a book releasing in a few days and that event at the bookstore in Vegas after that. I should be there supporting her. I’ll call her on release day and check in with her, but will it just be another series of missed calls?
I try calling her once more before I climb into bed. Tanner is in the shower, and he still hasn’t clarified his statement from earlier.
She doesn’t answer.
I decide to leave her a voicemail message.
“Hey. I’m sorry we keep missing each other. What you heard earlier—it wasn’t how it sounded. It was media day, and they let fans into the stadium. That’s all it was. I feel like we need to talk. Call me, okay?”
I hang up and realize too late that I didn’t tell her I love her. I miss her. I need her.
Maybe I didn’t say those things subconsciously on purpose. Maybe I don’t want to continue down a road that’s leading straight to nowhere.
But despite leaving that message, my phone doesn’t ring.