CHAPTER 54 Sophie Summers
I Have to Tell Him
I can’t bring myself to listen to his message. I’m too scared, to be honest.
I’m sure he’ll offer some explanation as to who was screaming his name and woo- ing in the background, but I don’t really care to hear that explanation right now.
He made it sound like training camp is two weeks of hell, and the first chance I get to hear his voice, he sounds like he’s at some goddamn party, most likely with half-naked women screaming his name.
I hate this for us, but I think the pregnancy hormones are sending me these different emotions that I’ve never felt before. It’s one part rage combined with one part fear.
And then there’s the exhaustion. It didn’t seem to hit me until I saw that word on that stick, and now I just want to lie in bed and never get out of it.
I can’t bring myself to write. I can’t bring myself to do any of the tasks on my list.
My book releases in two days now, and I have so much to do. I have another book to finish writing. I have one chapter left plus the epilogue, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to gush about their happy ending when I feel like mine was just within reach before it was ripped away.
I’m living in his house, sleeping in his bed, showering in his shower, and I have no idea where we stand right now.
Maybe I’d have a better idea if I picked up the damn phone, but a piece of me is too scared.
A piece of me thinks that message he left is letting me down gently.
The very thought of a life without Miller makes my stomach turn over, but it’s right there at the surface, pulsing in a very irritating way every time I think I’ve pushed it out.
He tries calling me in the morning. I don’t answer.
I turn on my computer. I’m behind on my deadline. I told my editor I’d have this book to her yesterday, but I can’t write when I’m thinking about the strange place where Miller and I have landed. I’m really, really scared that this is going to spell the end for us.
So where does that leave me and the baby?
I have to tell him, obviously. I just feel like I need to do it in a way that will give him the option to walk away if this isn’t the life he wants.
Babies are a big commitment, but the more I’ve sat with this over the last twenty-four hours, the more I know that this is what I want. I can do this. And if I have to do it alone, well…so be it. I will.
I will be everything this baby needs if it’s up to me to be the sole provider. I will raise him or her knowing that she or he was created out of love.
I hope Miller will be there by my side for all the highs and all the lows.
But if he’s not, I’m going to be okay.
I just have to figure out where I want to do this—in particular if it’s just me .
It would be easier to move back home, to be close to my parents despite their divorce, to have some help nearby. It would be easier to be back in my group of friends, though I think I lost most of them when I quit my job.
It’s only now I realize I haven’t even spoken to Brooke in months. I’ve been so busy trying to build my life in San Diego that I neglected my life in Phoenix. Maybe it wouldn’t be so much easier to move back home after all.
At least here, I have Cassie and Grace…
Who I realize now are part of Miller’s family, not mine.
If he opts to walk away once I tell him, he’ll get them in the fallout. Not me.
It feels like my entire life is slipping away before my very eyes. I should channel this angst into my books, but I’m not at that part.
I head to Miller’s workout room, and everything in here reminds me of him.
I get on the treadmill and start a slow walk. I read that exercise is good for the baby, and maybe it’ll be enough to jog my brain out of this fog so I can get some work done.
Truth be told, I need some coffee. I have a splitting headache from avoiding it for the last two days, and I need something to help alleviate it.
I run a quick search and learn that one cup a day is okay, so I treat myself to that after a half hour on the treadmill.
I sit out on the deck in the backyard and look out over the view.
The house is in the hills of San Diego with a gorgeous view of the rolling hills with houses down below.
In the distance I can see the ocean, and it’s peaceful and serene from here.
Will it still be that way in nine months? Or will the crying from inside be enough to pry that serenity right from my fingertips?
Will Miller run upstairs and check on the baby ?
Or will I be somewhere else, doing it alone?
I won’t know the answer to that until I talk to him. I need to talk to him.
I take a shower after my cup of coffee, my nerves suddenly feeling like steel.
I have to tell him.
I jump in the car and drive through town to the hotel where the team is staying.
I head to the front desk. “I need the room of Miller Banks, please.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t give you that information.”
“I’m his fiancée,” I say, flashing my ring.
The clerk purses his lips. “Then you should be able to get in touch and ask him his room number.”
I roll my eyes, but I guess it’s not this guy’s fault that he has to uphold the hotel’s policies. It’s probably safer for players anyway.
I realize the team probably isn’t even at the hotel right now, so I get back in my car and head toward the stadium.
I’m not exactly sure what my plan is, but when I get there, I walk up toward the doors where fans enter.
Not shockingly, they’re locked.
I walk around the building to every possible door. I try them all. They’re all locked.
There are no workers out here for me to ask. Nobody to direct me anywhere.
I open my phone and search for the stadium’s information. I find a phone number, and I dial it.
“Thank you for calling the SDS Stadium box office. We are currently closed.”
Fuck. Fuck!
I head back to my car and slide into the driver’s seat.
What the hell did I think I was going to do ?
Like he’d magically walk out and spot me there, and he’d rush to me, and I’d tell him I’m pregnant and he’d sweep me up into his arms and kiss me and tell me we’ll be a little family?
I think I’ve written one too many romance novels.
I blow out a breath as I start the car and navigate back toward home as I hope and pray that this will still be my home after these next two weeks are over.