Chapter 23
CHAPTER 23
L evi
I watch Mac carefully as he sits in his usual place across the table from me. He looks anxious and I wonder if it’s because of me—or rather, what he saw me do. But he isn’t paying me much attention. I made sure I didn’t appear for dinner until I knew he and Marina were both seated at the table, so if he wanted to avoid me, he’d have to come up with a good excuse. It’s a part of my plan, but not the main part that comes later, in a couple of weeks. For now I just want him in my presence. But apart from a sharp intake of breath when I said hello as I slid into my seat, and a strained greeting in return, he’s largely ignored me. That’s alright for now; I can be patient. I smile secretly to myself that he’s not going to know what’s hit him, and eat my meal with some amount of calm. Not completely calm of course, as it’s Mac and he’s just there, and if I were to just move my knee it would probably touch his. I don’t, though, tempting as it is.
I’ve become good at observing Mac over the weeks, and his anxiety tonight seems to be more directed towards his mum. But if she notices, she doesn’t say anything, and we finish the meal as normal. This time he jumps up to clear the table first, and I take my time to help him.
“I’m drying,” he says before I can even ask the question.
“Alright, I’ll let you,” I say with a little sass, but it’s met with a slight frown. I fill the sink with hot water and start washing the dishes. Neither of us speaks for a while, and it’s kind of bugging me as it’s not normal. We can usually hold a conversation.
“What’s up, Mac? You’ve looked jittery all evening.” I’m still pretty certain it’s not me making him like this, but either way it’s good for me. If it is, maybe I can get him to talk about it—not part of the plan but I’ll wing it—and if it is something else that has him bothered, I’d like him to talk to me about it.
He twists the cloth in his hands and gives a small sigh.
“I’ve found something out and I don’t know if I should tell my mum about it or keep quiet.”
“About your father?”
“Yes.”
Okay, definitely not about me, then. That brings me a small amount of relief.
“You’ve found out who he is?”
“Yes, I know who he is and where he’s from. He’s an American guy my mum met when she was over there.” He stops and doesn’t say any more.
“American huh? Pretty cool,” I say to fill the silence and whatever it is he’s not saying. He huffs a laugh in a way that sounds like it should be cool but isn’t really. None of this can account for why he looks like he’s facing a firing squad.
“So what’s the problem? Didn’t Marina want you looking for him?”
He takes a breath. “It’s not that. It’s . . . I have a brother.”
Oh! I was not expecting that. Now Mac’s started talking, he doesn’t seem able to stop.
“And I don’t know what mum will think of that, how she’ll take it, and if I should even tell her. She didn’t tell me who my father was for years, even when I asked, so I’m not sure I want to drag it all up again for her. It was pretty clear she didn’t really want to talk about it, so maybe I should just leave it.”
I quickly dry my hands and steer him into a seat, then I take the chair next to him and turn to face him. My knee bumps up against his but I don’t move it away and neither does he.
“Are you sure she doesn’t already know?”
“She didn’t have any contact with my dad when she came back. By that time he was already married to someone else and she didn’t want to intrude on that life.”
“Does your father know about you?”
“He does now,” he says flatly, which makes me believe it hasn’t gone well, certainly not as well as he’d hoped.
“So why don’t you want to tell your mum about the other family your father has? They have their lives thousands of miles away?—”
“He’s here.” Mac bunches his hands into fists on the table, a gesture I can recognise only too well. I see his frustration and uncertainty bubbling up, a pressure vessel who’s outlet is normally anger and the overwhelming urge to hit something, anything just to relieve that pressure. Any other time I’d delight in seeing if I could poke him into boiling over, but not now. He seems too raw and it would be hurtful in this situation.
“Here? In the UK?”
“In Oxford. I’ve met him; he works with my best friend. He’s a good guy.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” He echoes my words and his shoulders slump, his hands relaxing a little. “So do you think I should tell her?”
I stare at him for a blink of my eyes. “You’re asking me for advice?”
He looks at me and I feel like he sees me for the first time. Not a poor victim who needs justice, not an ex-con who he doesn’t know what to do with, not someone who goaded him into almost hitting them, and not with the dark lust that the anger spills over into. He’s looking at me, Levi, the bartender and guy who’s trying to improve his life and has a place in college.
That look latches onto my soul and creates a fluttering feeling, fragile like a newly emerged butterfly’s wings. I can hardly breathe in case I damage it.
“Yes, I’m asking you. You’ve been around my mum far more than I have. You know the situation about my father. You’re a smart guy, Levi. What do you think I should do?”
He’s definitely mistaken about the smart part, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring that up right now. He starts fiddling with the tea towel he still holds from drying the dishes. I resist the urge to reach out and take his hands, to still them, to hold them. Instead, I fold my own hands into my lap.
“I think you should tell her,” I say simply and I mean it. “Marina is the kindest, warmest, and most open-hearted person I’ve ever met. I think she’ll be fine hearing about it.”
“You’re right,” he sighs. “I know she is, so I don’t know why I’ve twisted myself up about this.”
Because you’re human, Mac. That realisation hits me just as deeply as him asking me for advice. He is capable of not being the cop; I saw that when he told me about his father. But he always seems so strong, so calm, so together. Seeing him act human, vulnerable, feels like he’s allowed me into another level of his life. It feels special that he trusts me enough.
I wanted him to notice me and now he has and I didn’t even have to work for it. But it’s not the kind of notice I’d planned on. This is something far deeper. Of course, all I need to do now is make him desire me. I’m still enacting that part of the plan.
Mac makes his mum a cup of tea and takes it to her in the lounge where she’s watching television and knitting something brightly patterned. I follow with biscuits and after placing them on the coffee table, sit in one of the armchairs.
“Mum, I have something to tell you,” Mac opens with, and at his tone she switches off the show she’s watching and puts down her knitting, giving him her full attention. He sits next to her on the couch and takes out an envelope.
“I have some photos which I think are of my father. Would you mind looking at them and seeing if you recognise him?”
She takes a deep breath and gives him a small smile.
“I knew you’d be curious and this day would come. For me it’s a part of my life I put away forever, but I realise this is new for you so yes, if it helps you, I will.”
He hands her the envelope and she takes out the photographs, slowly looking through them. A bittersweet smile plays on her lips and her eyes look far away.
“Yes, they are most definitely your father. But these are old photographs, where did you get them from?”
Mac pulls out another photograph from his pocket and hands it to her. I see the colour drain slightly and she looks at Mac waiting for him to answer.
“From my brother.”
She hands it back and reaches for her tea, talking a good gulp and another deep breath before speaking.
“How did you find out about him?” she asks, curiosity taking over whatever she’s feeling.
“From my best friend, Nolan. Reece—that’s his name—has been here in Oxford ever since he left home after he graduated. Right here,” Mac says, not keeping the wonder from his voice even though he’s known about him for a little while. I understand it does seem incredible. “He’s Nolan’s business partner. All this time and we never knew.”
Marina doesn’t speak but takes another mouthful of her tea.
“I’m sorry, Mum, if it’s a shock and something you want to leave in the past. But I thought you might want to know. It’s important to me. To know I have a brother.”
An ancient sadness crosses her face.
“Did you always want a brother? I’m sorry if you did, but you were always enough for me.”
“No Mum, it wasn’t like that. I never really thought about it, even if my school friends had siblings. But somehow, now I know I have one, I want to be a part of his family and for him to be a part of mine.”
She nods, still looking a little sad. She asks Mac some questions about Reece—what he does, how long Mac has known him. Mac says that they’ve met up a few times.
“Does he have any family over here? A partner? Children?”
“I don’t think so, Mum. Nolan says he hasn’t and he’s never mentioned anyone.”
She looks thoughtful for a moment and then gives Mac her kindest smile.
“I’d like to meet him. Why don’t you invite him for Christmas too?”