40. Chapter 39
Chapter 39
Felix
T he next morning was frostier and snow was falling slowly, decorating the windows like a work of art. I had woken up before Alisha and was looking out of her icy window, contemplating on what to do with myself because I didn’t want to wake up the sleeping beauty in her bed.
I reflected back on yesterday evening, the questions Alisha asked me about the future and whether I believed in soulmates. With the experience I had walking down the aisle and then being left at the altar, I wasn’t sure whether marriage was on the cards. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed again, to have people whispering about me and saying things like ‘second time lucky’.
But looking at Alisha, I knew she would never intentionally hurt me. My trust was building up and my walls were almost knocked down. I didn’t want to be defensive of myself but naturally, I would be. Truth was, I was scared, scared of allowing myself to fully fall in love again. I wanted it to be the last time that I would.
I was falling fast for Alisha and there was nothing I could do to convince myself otherwise. Making love to her bare last night opened up another part of me, one that I had locked away.
I needed to talk to someone other than Alisha about this and who better than my sister, who had already sent me a text this morning. I would arrange to meet her for an early lunch and then pour my heart out to her, like I always did.
Aunt Brenna confirmed with me too that she spoke to her sister and mentioned the time and place. What would happen is I would turn up tomorrow afternoon at Baeckerei Konditorei Kurz, a popular cafe in town that I hadn’t been to in years. Mainly because it’d be hard to get a table in there. But tomorrow, it would be calmer since there was a sports event taking place locally. Whether my mother would turn up, well that was the burning question. At least I would have Alisha with me, to calm my anxiety.
She stirred in her sleep and turned her body to face the other way, her chest rising and falling in a steady pace. I liked mornings like these, where I could stare at her and revel in her beauty, her presence.
I didn’t want to leave her, for her to wake up alone but I also needed to get back to my place and get onto some admin work, specifically for the ski school as soon I’d be starting my trial.
I had some training I needed to complete both online and in person, but it’d be easy to pick up. In the bag I brought to Alisha’s, I packed a cosy, cream cross stitch jumper and a pair of dark grey trousers. I got dressed, careful again not to make noise but almost lost my balance a few times when I put on some socks.
As I stood back up, Alisha was sitting upright in bed, knees tucked under her chin. She was looking at me curiously.
“Sorry sweetheart, I didn’t mean to wake you.” I walked over to her to kiss the tip of her nose and then her mouth.
“Are you heading out?” Alisha asked innocently and it sounded a little like she was disappointed.
“Just back to mine. Mira wants to meet later, I’m guessing to talk about me meeting our mother tomorrow.” I replied, which was true as Mira was just as nervous as I was. If the meeting went well, then Mira would be the next to meet her.
What the heck would I even say to my mother? Hey, you fucked up my life for years but now I am finally starting to be happy. Or, why did you abandon us when we needed you the most? Why did dad even leave?
“I understand. I’ve got a ton of work to do today, too. Grayson has scheduled a video call later, so I can send him my next draft.” Alisha picked up a hairbrush that was on her bedside table and dragged it through her hair.
“I bet you he’ll love it. Do you think you can show me some of it later?” I plopped down next to her legs, giving one of them a squeeze.
“No, that’s cheating. Read it when it’s published.” Alisha winked, wrapping her arms around my neck. I could have made love to her again and again this morning but knew I needed to get going. As hard as it was. I knew that Alisha wanted to spend time with Ophelia too, as she cared about her deeply.
“Fair enough. I’ll see you later. My place or yours tonight?” I had the idea of taking her out to the cinema tonight and then going back to mine for a late dinner. And then lots of cuddles and love making.
“Happy to go to yours. I feel like we need to alternate,” Alisha said, resting her head back on her pillow. She still looked tired so probably needed another hour or two. I could imagine so as her muscles would have been sore. I didn’t want to wear her out today with more skiing, so rest was what she needed.
On the other hand, I wanted to be as active as I could be today. I left Alisha begrudgingly and on the drive home, I regretted leaving her and maybe she’d hate me a little for it but tried to shake off this negative feeling. I refused to suck myself into the abyss of self-pity again. That was uncharted territory.
***
Me and my sister were just finishing our lunch at a small cafe called Frisch gebrüht , translated as Freshly Brewed in English. It was discovered by my sister, who was always on the hunt for cute, independent businesses. It was only about a ten-minute walk from mine but it was worth it. The aroma of coffee and sweet delicacies filled the air and there was a gentle buzz of chatter from the customers sitting around us.
The two of us were enjoying a cup of coffee each, a splash of milk added and one sugar each. In terms of our food and drink choices, they were similar. But our outlook on life wasn’t. I liked that we weren’t practically joined at the hip, that we had our own opinions. Mira definitely liked to give hers vocally and it’s why I wanted to see her today.
“Something’s different with you today, Felix. Everything okay with you and Alisha?” Mira popped a question, her eyes were sincere and her face stoic. I knew she didn’t want to express her concern to me but I grew up with her so it was easy to tell.
I let out a sigh before speaking, “I really like her but I’m scared that things will go wrong again. What if she can’t make room for me in her life?”
“From what I’ve seen, I think the girl’s mad about you too. Relationships long distance are tough but if the two of you are committed, you will make it work. Is that the only thing you’re worried about?”
No, it wasn’t.
“I’m worried about allowing myself to love again, of what people may think. You know how people were when they heard about me and Evie.”
“Absolute crap Felix and you know it! If anything, people were talking shit about Evie more than you. You are the most amazing human I know, Felix. Don’t let anything or anyone convince you otherwise,” Mira said firmly, her tone ridden with slight annoyance. She hated whenever I put myself down and maybe she’d heard enough of it. Maybe I needed to think like her too.
“Don’t be afraid to love again, Felix. The way you and Alisha are, I think it’s so worth the heartache. I wish I had someone, you know. I feel incredibly lonely sometimes.” Mira looked down at her coffee cup. She was a romantic like me but had been quite unlucky in her matches over the years. The men she had dated were idiots and couldn’t keep up with her busy lifestyle. She needed to meet someone who matched her, who would be able to support her ambitions. My sister deserved the best and I wouldn’t say otherwise.
I had all the validation I needed from my sister but now, I needed to convince myself.
“So, the big day tomorrow. Meeting Valerie.” Mira grabbed my hands so she could hold them in hers, sensing my anxiety rise. Mira wasn’t quite comfortable with calling Valerie ‘mother’ yet. She barely remembered her or maybe just didn’t want to.
“Wish you were coming. I don’t even know if she’ll turn up,” I said, picking up one of the muffins we had bought from the counter. Raspberry and white chocolate. Wow, it tasted good.
“If she doesn’t, then we need to fully wipe our hands of her. To move on.” Mira took a bite of her own muffin, a traditional blueberry one.
“You’re right. And if she does turn up, I owe it both to you and me to hear her out. I wonder what she has to say after all these years.” I finished chewing the piece of muffin I had placed in my mouth and looked at my sister who shrugged nonchalantly.
“Ever wonder about Christian as well?” Our dad. All Mira could remember was his name, as she was so small when he left. I could remember the arguments he’d have with mum. I didn’t really know him either, as he never spent much time with me until he left for good.
“Of course. Part of me thinks he’s dead now. I think I wouldn’t want to see him if we had the choice.”
“Right? Well anyway, we should be proud of ourselves as we’ve come so far. They both made their beds and they should lie in them. But I hope tomorrow goes okay, Felix. Maybe then I might consider meeting her,” Mira told me and I nodded, completely understanding her reasoning. She didn’t feel comfortable until I did. She’d wait until I told her everything after the meeting before making a big decision. She wanted to protect herself and that was absolutely fine. Me on the other hand, I wanted to face this woman who disrupted my childhood.
But like hell would she disrupt my current life.