Chapter 8
Kellan
T he kids were a delight. Even at the end of the first day, when Josie had taken a look at my exhausted face and asked if I was still sure about dividing the kids into these groups, I had just mustered a smile and then driven myself home to take a long shower.
The thing about dividing the children into activity levels meant that I had twenty kids to her eleven, because—and I think this was the universe helping us out—there were only eleven Energizer bunnies in total. I honestly believed that I still had the easier job, though.
The short chat with Felix after the boys asked him questions about his legs had led me to educating myself about how to address things in a teaching sense.
I knew that as much as I knew about things, I could never have the experience of someone who was disabled, unless something happened to make me less able-bodied. Frankly, I felt most people didn’t just get that any of us could become disabled at any moment and most of us would when we got older.
It wasn’t just a couple of times I’d put people in their place in public spaces for scoffing at someone doing things slower or different in front of them. The expression of those people as a tall man like me towered over them and told them they were way out of line and to have basic human decency? Chef’s kiss.
But the fact was, I still didn’t see things quite right. I couldn’t understand in ways people with disabilities and lived life experiences would.
If Felix had been a different kind of man, I would’ve asked him to chat with the kids about his disability. I just didn’t think he was at that point in his recovery yet. He was clearly angry and bitter, and I couldn’t blame him. I just wished he didn’t take out on me. Then again, better me than the kiddos.
Even after I had my dinner that night, I thought about why I hadn’t had this as one of my ideas; getting a few people with different disabilities to come talk to the kids. Maybe next year, because this week was fully booked.
My brain was still in high gear after everything else I’d done to relax, and I was running out of options. I could take melatonin, but since I’d had to rely on it at one point in my life and I was a bigger guy, it meant I had a tolerance to it. Using it consistently for a few years had also given me wicked, not really scary but still messed up nightmares. Needless to say, I avoided taking it these days.
Gaming was out of the question, too. With my brain this wired, it might latch onto whatever game I chose and then suddenly three hours later I would realize I was still not asleep.
The other obvious option was jerking off. I could do that. Hell, I could take my suction cup dildo to the shower and—nah. I was around Felix too much to be able to masturbate without thinking about him, and frankly I didn’t want to muddy my thoughts of him even more.
I’d never have him again, and that was fine. Even being his friend would be something. I just… no. I couldn’t touch myself right now.
Sighing, I grabbed my laptop and browsed to my favorite streaming app. Then I found my comfort 1950s England detective drama with the hot as hell vicar and settled in to watch it.
I got about two thirds into the 45 minutes long episode before my eyelids began to droop. I smiled, and then I continued to watch until all I could do was to close the laptop lid and give in to the tiredness.
T he next morning, I woke up surprisingly well rested. I would definitely need the energy, though. There would be both lessons and exercise happening, and nobody was more active than kids who were super into the thing they were doing.
Over the years I’d observed that blessing and curse several times. If they were ambivalent or didn’t like what they were being taught, it easily turned into chaos once they were done being apathetic about it.
If they were enthusiastic about it? The energy was boundless, the joy was palpable, but they were almost equally as hard to handle then. Keeping kids on track no matter what they thought about the subject could be draining.
I still took the kids who wanted to come to the camp knowing what it was all about over kids who would’ve been forced into coming. I’d had a couple of those last year and that was not good. With capital letters, probably: Not. Good.
I got through my morning routine, and had just finished getting dressed, and was about to leave the house when my phone rang with Oak’s number.
I quickly swiped to answer, immediately worried. “Oak?”
“Hey, Kellan. Look—” Before he could continue, I was pretty sure I could hear Law saying something about meddling in the background, but then Oak’s voice continued, “It’s just that Felix is having a bad morning, and he can’t drive today. He called me to come pick him up, but since it wouldn’t be much of a detour for you on your way….”
Ah. Meddling. I could understand Law’s sentiment now.
“Yeah, of course. No need for you to drive there and back. No problem!”
“Awesome! I’ll send you the address, and I’ll probably see you later! Bye!” Yeah, he seemed very self-satisfied when he said that.
Shaking my head fondly, I grabbed my stuff and headed to my car. I wondered if he’d told Felix it was me who was picking him up. I was pretty damn sure he hadn’t given his friend a heads up that it would actually be me who’d be driving him this morning.
I would also play it off as if I hadn’t realized Oak was doing anything weird here, just to see Felix’s honest reaction.
A s I closed the trunk, the fact that I managed to get him to almost crack with an innuendo made me smile. That was progress, at least. Then, when I got in the car, he made a joke that made me laugh? Kind of priceless.
But I didn’t let those moments change anything. Why? Because I wanted him too much, and his cruelty was chipping away at something inside me that felt like my self-esteem wrapped around the feelings I had for him. Or maybe it was the other way around? Either way, the jabs and sneers and constant rejection didn’t feel good.
Logically, I knew he didn’t mean them. Not in his heart of hearts. His defenses were up and malfunctioning and making him lash out. That didn’t mean every hit didn’t hurt like a mothertrucker.
About halfway to the Inn, I opened my mouth to ask him about how he was feeling, maybe. Then I realized he wouldn’t welcome the question, so I… didn’t.
He’d been short with me, clearly not at all happy that it was me who’d shown up. It… didn’t feel the best. Even if I wasn’t anyone he liked, we were still part of the same friend group now, and worked in the same location, even if temporarily.
There was nothing I wanted more than to be there for him. Help him with things like a partner would. I was a caretaker. Making sure my people were happy, safe, and fulfilled was my love language. It had occurred to me that Felix didn’t want my love.
Since I didn’t know what to talk to him about without having this blow up in my face, I hummed along with my morning playlist and soon enough, we were at the Inn.
I parked close to the doors. “Gimme a second.” I exited the car and went to get his chair and the cushion from the back. I handled them with care, knowing how expensive they were and how damn randomly something might break—I’d had a couple of students before who used wheelchairs—and had it safely to Felix in no time.
Felix held out his hands, so I let him put the chair back together and then handed him the cushion so he could put it down.
“Thank you,” he said simply. For a moment I thought he might say something else, but then it was gone as if I’d imagined things.
“No problem.”
I waited for him to transfer into the chair and roll toward the doors, then realized I was staring and went to move the car to a different spot. When I got out of the sedan, he was still ruffling Steve’s droopy little—big—face and talking to him quietly.
Ignoring them, I busied myself with absolutely nothing to give Felix time to get inside, and then gave Steve some love because that was the tax around here.
Dana made me have a quick breakfast while she took a plate and a mug of coffee to Felix in the office. By the time I was done eating, Josie appeared, and off we went again.
I n the morning talk time, we talked about various things, but in addition to the regular stuff, I added a question about whether they knew someone who was disabled. Then we used that as a talking point to continue the conversation for a while longer than I usually would have.
Keeping in mind Felix’s words from the day before, I made sure to gently press the importance of not staring at people who were different and we practiced about how we could ask questions if we were puzzled about something.
The most touching moment was when one of our spitfires, Jerome, actually got a bit of a wobbly lip and he shared that he’d felt really bad when people stared at his dad when he first got his “new leg” and had trouble walking on it.
He got so many hugs that every adult in the room had misty eyes in that moment.
After the talk, we began the two separate classes about the ecosystem of the area. We swapped in the middle of the morning so the kids would have equal time inside and out. Then we had lunch and in the afternoon, we all went hiking.
We had chosen two shorter routes that met back in the starting point, and split the kids up in the groups to make it more enjoyable for everyone.
Today was sort of a test for how well they could apply what they’d learned that morning into what they were seeing in the woods. We’d do a longer hike on Thursday afternoon after we’d spend the morning with an Indigenous guest speaker from the Mohawk tribe.
Law was with my group since Tristan was with his grandma today, and he’d volunteered to carry a backpack of labeled water bottles and first aid kit. Another parent was doing the same in Josie’s group.
All the kids had their worksheets and pencils, and they were happily collecting sightings of different plants and bugs and writing them down. Every now and then someone would ask me questions, and sometimes I would point out something everyone had missed, given that I was in the back of the group with Law.
The dogs had also divided themselves. Steve had chosen us, which didn’t surprise me in the least. It was as if he’d taken one look at the bouncy ones and noped out. He led the group with one of the parents.
The kids had strict orders to stay where they could see us, but going off the path was allowed. That made it possible for me, from my height, to see that Steve suddenly stopped in the middle of the path and looked up at a nearby tree.
I whistled sharply, a sign for the kids to pay attention. “Steve’s got something in the tree. Don’t run!”
It turned out to be a squirrel, and yeah, those pencils were practically smoking as they wrote their observations down.
Once the critter ran, or rather climbed and jumped off, I called out, “Everyone say thank you Steve!”
The cacophony was pretty bad for a handful of seconds, and then I called a drink break because it was pretty warm even in the dense woods.
Law and I gave everyone their water bottles and waited for them to drink their fill.
“What about Steve?” someone asked, and suddenly everyone was Very Worried about the poor dog.
“There’s enough to share with him,” I promised and called Steve closer.
I cupped my hands while Law poured water into them, and Steve obediently drank some. I wasn’t sure he was even thirsty, but he was a good boy.
“Thank you for leading by example,” I told him when the kids had returned their bottles and scattered again.
Huffing, Steve headbutted me and ambled off to his spot in the front of the group.
Law turned to me at one point. “How bad did your morning go?” he asked in a tone that told me exactly what he meant by that.
I shrugged. “It was okay.”
“From what I know of him, asking for help isn’t easy for him.”
Nodding, I sighed. “From some vague comments Lorenna’s made, I get the impression that normally on days like this one, he might call his mom to open the Nook. But he can’t not work today, so….”
Law frowned. “I’m definitely not going to tell my brother that.”
My eyes widened. “ Shit. I mean crap. I mean shoot.” Law laughed, and I kicked his ankle gently. “Shut up. You know what I mean. But yes, I agree with you.”
Charlie didn’t need to know anything else but that things were going swimmingly here while he was on his well-deserved vacation with Teague. It sometimes felt weird to know all these things about the people I was just getting to be friends with, but Oak was a talker and well, Marlie could get on her rambles about various subjects, including her circle of adults.
“Mr. Kellan? Is this deer poop?” Juni called from about fifteen feet off the track, and a chorus of “Ooh!” went through the group.
Mustering all my enthusiasm, I called out, “Not sure, let me come check!”
Law chuckled, and I shot him a middle finger behind my back, then went to see a little girl about a pile of poop.
B y the time all the kids had been picked up, I could see Felix was in severe pain as much as he’d been trying to hide it.
The thing was, I knew the effects of chronic pain on people. I knew he was probably hanging on by a thread and likely trying to get along by over the counter medication which no doubt didn’t even make a dent in his pain levels.
I found Nic and told her to do whatever needed to be done, but I was taking Felix home right at that moment.
She nodded understandingly and sighed. “I tried to get him to call it a day hours ago, but….”
“He’s stubborn.”
We were standing by the kitchen door, talking quietly. The door opened and Dana peered out. She had a bag with takeout containers in it. “Here. Dinner for you and Felix. Take him home, feed him, give him meds or whatever, and then take him to bed.”
I blinked at her but took the bag automatically. She was gone before I had time to react.
Nic chuckled and gestured at the gently swinging kitchen door. “My wife,” she said in her best, proud Borat voice.
I snorted inelegantly, then rolled my eyes, leaned about a foot down to kiss her cheek, and told her I’d see her the next morning.
If all else failed, I would threaten him with Charlie’s peace of mind. With everything else, I could never guess how he would react, but he wouldn’t want to upset Charlie. I wouldn’t, of course, but I also wasn’t sure if Felix was willing to call my bluff on that.
Then I went to face the grumpy—for a good reason—beast.