Chapter 9
Felix
I n the year I was first recovering, Ma talked me into therapy. I’d needed it but I was reluctant, too angry at the world, and myself, for what happened. It had helped. In one of my sessions, my therapist helped me come up with a peak and valley explanation for my pain. It was always there, the pain, but sometimes it was low, in the valley. Today was a peak day for sure.
The thing about ibuprofen was that it didn’t really touch my kind of pain. Not like opioids. The Percocet interrupted the pain receptors so even though it was still there, I didn’t feel it. At least, not as much. But I was conscious of not getting addicted so I only took a Perc when I really needed it. Vicodin worked a little better, but it also made me feel like I had bugs crawling on my skin so I had only taken it a few times in the beginning. Weed worked sort of the same way, but more like it dulled everything instead of making it go away. I was careful there too, and technically I had a medical marijuana card, but ever since it became legal in New York, I just picked up either pre-rolled joints or edibles at one of the dispensaries in Plattsburgh. But that too, I was careful with.
Ibuprofen just sheered the top off the peaks. Still high pain level, but not quite as sharp. My prescription for the 800s was one every six hours. It never lasted that long. After a couple of hours, the pain was at a ten again. I’d lasted five before I took my second dose, and that had been more than two hours ago. Every time I shifted position or stood up, because sitting for too long made it worse, it was excruciating for at least a minute or two. I was at my wit’s end and wishing for the stronger stuff.
I just had to make it to five o’clock, when Nic would take over. She sat at the desk if guests were still expected, but if everyone had already checked in, she just carried the portable phone with her everywhere so that she could respond to any need. Just an hour and forty-five minutes more, and I could go home, pop a Perc, spend some time in the hot tub, and maybe eat a low dose edible before bed. Was it smart to mix the two? Not exactly. But the Percs were only 5/325 milligrams and the gummies only had 10 milligrams of THC. If I wanted to be able to sleep tonight, and be pain free tomorrow, I’d need it.
I was still mentally planning my evening, lost in thought, when Kellan appeared at the window. He was wearing a wide smile that made me suspicious. I knew all the kids had gone home within the last half hour, so I was kind of surprised he was still there. I squinted at him as I leaned forward to open the window.
“What?”
He waggled his eyebrows, which made me even more suspicious. “Pack up or close down, or whatever you need to do. I’m taking you home.”
I scowled. I couldn’t help it. “My shift’s not over. I’ll catch a ride with someone else or ask Ma to come get me. You don’t have to wait.”
“Nope.” Kellan’s grin, if possible, stretched even wider. It was kind of creepy, actually. “I’m your ride today. It’s the rule. I’m ready to go. And let’s face it, Felix. You were ready hours ago.”
I wanted to snap at him and demand he go away, but I sighed instead. “I appreciate the sentiment but I still have—”
“Go home, Felix Decker!” Nic shouted from somewhere behind me. A second or two later, she appeared through the door that led to her and Dana’s apartment. She was a little grimy and a lot sweaty, but that didn’t diminish her glare in the least. For being so tiny, she certainly had a forceful personality. “You’ve done your duty for the day.”
“I’m okay,” I tried to insist but I was cut off by Kellan’s cough that poorly covered the word “Liar.”
I shot him a look, but he was unrepentant.
Nic stepped closer, and her expression softened. “Anyone left to check in?”
It took a moment to get my brain to shift topics. I cleared my throat and checked the software on the screen in front of me. “The Michaelsons. Two adults, three children, ages seven, nine, and thirteen, and a service dog. They’re in room 7.”
She nodded. “Anything I need to know?”
“The dog is a diabetic alert dog for one of the dads, so she’s always with him. But they marked that she can have treats, just not while she’s working,” I answered as I glanced through the notes.
“I’ll make sure Oak left them in the room, then, along with the stuffies for the younger kids and the T-shirt for the oldest.” The merchandised plush dogs, that looked a lot like Steve, and apparel with the Inn’s logo, were a new addition. There was a display in the lobby, and they’d done pretty good business since introducing them earlier this summer. People liked souvenirs. But Nic made sure anyone under the age of sixteen got to take home something for free. “Give me ten minutes to shower, and then you can go.”
She flounced off, but stopped just before she disappeared through the door, she paused and turned her head. “Let Kel take you home, okay? And if it’s this bad tomorrow, just send me a text and stay home, yeah?”
She didn’t give me a chance to answer before she was gone. I stared after her for a long moment before letting out another sigh. A gusty one. With a touch of reluctance, I turned back to Kellan. His smile was no longer creepy, and I didn’t want to think about how good he looked.
“I guess I’ll take that ride,” I said, only slightly reluctantly.
“Great. I’ll pack my crap in the car, and then pull around to the front. Come out when you’re ready. And Felix?” He leaned forward. “I’ll be watching the clock.”
And then he too was gone.
Christ on a cracker. It was a hell of a lot easier to keep my distance, and not think of how pretty he was, and what he sounded and smelled like, when I was being an asshole to him. Which is why I did it. After I’d gotten over the initial shock of seeing him again and jumping to the stupid conclusion that he’d stalked me here, I’d stayed angry and grumpy because then I didn’t have to deal with him. But now that I was acting…not nice but not jerkish anymore, he was crawling under my skin.
The part of my brain that wanted human connection, specifically with Kellan Huntley, craved the interaction. But the rest of me knew it was a bad idea. I couldn’t be what he needed anymore, and I needed to keep the distance.
Nic was back eight minutes later, hair wet and slicked back and sporting one of the Inn’s T-shirts. But the Michaelsons had arrived in the meantime, and I was busy checking them in. By now, a week and a half in, I had the spiel down pat. While I took the credit card from Curtis, and did all the monetary stuff, I made sure they knew where the pamphlets were about all the local attractions, the maps to the trails on the property that Law meticulously maintained, and when breakfast was served. Luke stood a few feet back, trying to wrangle the two younger boys that wanted to touch everything. The oldest had his nose buried in his phone, looking bored. The dog, a yellow lab named Rhoda, let out a whine, and nudged Luke hard enough he had to take a step sideways. Everyone in the family froze.
I watched in fascination as Luke held out his hand, flat and palm down. Rhoda lifted her paw and set it on top of his. Luke chuckled then murmured, “High, huh? Let’s check.”
Curtis caught me watching and he smiled. “That dog is a life saver, I tell you. She knows when his blood sugar goes out of range at least fifteen minutes before it registers on his Dexcom. Most of the time, before he even feels the effects.”
“Papa, that’s double arrows up. You gotta treat that.” The middle kid said, peering over his father’s arm at the phone Luke now held. It was like they were all speaking a foreign language but it was one they were clearly well versed in.
“I do, yup. But first, Rhoda gets a treat for being so awesome.” Luke’s voice was filled with affection, and he pulled a chunky looking treat out of his crossbody bag. The dog gobbled it up and her tongue lolled out of her mouth as she soaked up the pets. But it only lasted a moment before she booped her nose against Luke’s leg again. He chuckled. “All right, all right, I’m giving myself a correction.”
Curtis turned his attention back to me. “Anything else?”
“Oh, sorry.” I tried for a smile, having to conjure my “Oak smile” just to make it believable. I was annoyed with myself for getting so distracted. I slid the little packet closer to him, flipping open the top. “Here’s the code to your door. The breakfast times are right here and the list of amenities I mentioned. If you need anything, you can dial zero on your phone and a member of staff will answer. Also, just so you’re aware, there is a summer camp program going on during the day, so if you hear a ruckus, that’s probably what it is.”
“Great, thanks.” Curtis took the packet.
“Head back outside and toward the parking lot. Your room is the first one.”
“Dad! Look at the dog, he’s so big!” The youngest squealed loud enough to make me wince.
“That’s Steve,” Nic said, stepping in. She touched my shoulder and when I looked up at her, she tilted her head toward the door. She was taking over and telling me to get lost. “He’s super friendly, and really likes kids, but go slow okay? Let him sniff you first.”
I let her handle the rest of the interaction and tried to wheel myself out the door as inconspicuously as possible. Which wasn’t possible at all, but I liked to pretend. After being in the air conditioning all day, the sweltering heat hit me in the face the moment I made it over the door jamb, and for that reason alone, I’d be glad to get into Kellan’s car. Though it probably hadn’t had enough time to cool off properly yet.
Kellan was idling as close to the door as he could get, and he jumped out when he saw me coming. I didn’t say anything as I rolled up to the passenger side, and didn’t even try to conceal the grunt of pain as I transferred. It felt good to sit in the car seat, a different position than I’d been in all day. Kellan didn’t say anything either as he stowed my chair in his trunk. Less than a minute later, we were on our way.
Just like this morning, we didn’t talk, but music played softly. It was quiet enough that I was sure I misheard the words to the song. Something about the singer riding his lover like an F-150? I had to be wrong. But unlike this morning the lack of conversation didn’t last.
“Have you ever thought about getting a service dog?”
I startled, distracted with trying to make out the lyrics. “What?”
“A service dog. Have you ever thought about getting one?” Kellan repeated dutifully.
I waved it off. “It’s not…my issues aren’t…a dog can’t do anything for me.”
“Hmm.”
I squinted at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It just seems to me,” Kellan said quietly, as he slowed for one of the three stoplights we had in town, “that a dog trained to help with balance, offer walking support, retrieve things for you, that kind of stuff, could do a lot for you.”
I blinked at him. Then blinked again. “I guess. But most days, I’m fine. Or fine enough, anyway. I don’t need that kind of help most of the time. Better to leave the dogs for someone who needs it more than me.”
“You deserve it too, Felix.” Kellan’s voice was so quiet that I barely heard him, even though it wasn’t loud. But because of that, I chose to ignore what he said. It wasn’t about me thinking I didn’t deserve it. That was absurd and didn’t warrant a response.
Thankfully, Kellan took the hint from my silence and didn’t say anything else. We pulled into my driveway ten minutes later, and I opened my door the second he parked the car. I was already halfway out of my seat, gritting my teeth, when he made it to my side with the chair.
“Let’s get you inside.”
“I can handle it.” I did my best to modulate my tone, took a deep breath, and stood. My legs were stiff as well as painful, not having moved enough today. I couldn’t contain the groan and didn’t even care anymore. I just needed my chair and then he could go.
“I know you can.” Kellan took a step closer, almost but not quite into my space. “But you don’t have to do it all yourself. Let me help.”
It had to be the pain that made me capitulate so easily. “I do need to walk, get some exercise. I suppose you could help me inside.”
Kellan chuckled, a warm, resonant sound. “How magnanimous of you.”
I growled to hide the laugh that wanted to escape and then added a glare for good measure. “I’ll be moving very slowly.”
Kellan shrugged easily. “I’ve got nowhere else to be.”
Whatever. Maybe I’d get lucky, he’d get bored halfway through, and just give up and go home.
I pushed open the chair, tossed the cushion on the seat without bothering to settle it properly, then grabbed the handles and used it like a walker. It wasn’t quite as stable as my walker, but it gave me enough support as I painstakingly plodded toward the ramp. Kellan matched my pace, not exactly hovering, but at the ready. I had to admit that I appreciated the gesture. I hated it when people hovered.
Even though the pain radiated with every step, the stiffness eased some as I moved. That was the crux of it, wasn’t it? Movement made things better but pain made it hard to move. But I was used to it, so I powered through, even though I was sweating buckets by the time I made it to my front door. My hands shook as I pulled out my keys, but I managed to unlock the door.
“Thanks for your help,” I said, hoping I sounded polite but finite.
Kellan simply said, “Inside, Felix.”
I was too tired to argue. He followed me inside, and I went straight for the kitchen, which was the farthest room in the house. Not that it was that much of a walk, since my house wasn’t that big. But I needed to eat before I took the good drugs. The Percocet lived on the kitchen counter anyway.
“Let me go grab dinner,” Kellan said, as I lowered myself into a chair at the table. And then, as if he’d read my mind, added, “You need to eat if you’re going to take a real pain killer.”
“I’ve got food here, you don’t need to—”
“Dana sent us dinner from whatever she’s got on the menu tonight. I just didn’t bring it in yet because I wanted to have my hands free in case you needed me. Let me grab it out of the car, okay?”
“Kellan.” I said his name to stop him, because he was halfway to the door already, his long stride just eating up the floor. He paused instantly, whipping around, his eyes wide. I had no idea why but it didn’t matter. Other things were more important. “Look, I appreciate it, I do. And that Dana sent food. It makes things easier. But you can just drop it off and go. You don’t have to stay. I’m just gonna eat, take a pill, and soak in the hot tub.”
“And I can help you. You’re hurting and unsteady. It’s safer if I help you around slippery steps and water.” Then a hint of a grin tugged at his lips. “You don’t even need to put on a suit. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”
And that set me off, because he was talking about my dick, and it was true, he’d been up close and personal with it. Multiple times. And it hadn’t changed. It was the rest of me that had, the other things he would see when I took my pants off. I opened my mouth, ready to lay into him, but his eyes went wide, as if he just realized what he said. He was back across the floor in a second, a jog bringing him close far too fast.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…if you’re uncomfortable with being naked around me, of course I’ll go.” His sincerely contrite tone eased my ire slightly. He took a breath, and then squatted down so we were closer to eye to eye. Which was considerate since he was so fucking tall. “I’m probably gonna piss you off, but I’m gonna say this anyway. Whatever state your legs are in? I don’t care. If you’ve got scars or, I don’t know, whatever. It’s not going to bother me in the least. It’s not going to disgust me. I promise.”
I opened my mouth to refute that but he was still talking.
“We haven’t had it easy since we reconnected.” He smirked at that, and the word choice was a little funny. “And mostly that’s because of your asshole attitude. But it’s better between us. And it doesn’t negate the fact that today, right now, you’re hurting. And I want to help you. I just…Please, Felix. Let me feed you and drug you and get you comfortable. Just this once, give a little and let me take care of you.”
Later, I’d blame it on the pain. On the exhaustion. On the fact that I was tired of having to muscle through when, sometimes, it would be easier to lean. And that it was hard to get in and out of the hot tub when I hurt this much, because I had to be so careful not to slip and fall and split my head open. Later, when I was drugged up and sleeping, I’d rationalize it all so that I could keep my walls intact.
“Fine.”
The way Kellan’s face lit up, you’d think I’d handed him the keys to The Magic Kingdom.