Chapter 15
Felix
I didn’t regret it exactly. I was sated down to my bones and that had been the best orgasm I’d had in years. Maybe since the last time I’d been with Kellan, but I didn’t want to think about that too much. The problem was the interaction, as mind blowing as it had been, had the opposite effect I wanted it to. Not only for Kellan, but for me as well.
But I knew damn well it couldn’t be like that all the time. As much as I wanted to lay here and bask in the afterglow, cuddle this sweaty and sated man and just enjoy it, I knew it would be better to have the hard talk and end this now. Before he got more invested.
Before I did as well.
“Is this the part of the program where you tell me it can’t work and kick me out?” Kellan’s voice was resigned and a little heartbroken, and I couldn’t stand to hear it.
“No.”
I blinked, keeping my gaze on the ceiling. I hadn’t meant to say that. Had, in fact, been ready to launch into a speech about how it would be better for us both if we just cut our losses now and moved on. I drew a breath, ready to course correct, but Kellan lifted his head and looked at me with surprise and wariness and, dare I say it, just a little bit of hope in his eyes.
“There needs to be ground rules,” I said instead of any of the other things swirling in my brain.
Kellan’s face lit up, and I was struck by how beautiful he was. I’d always thought he was pretty, from that very first meeting, but he’d matured a bit in the intervening years. He’d been so much younger back then. Now he had some experience on his face, had grown into his features, and he wore it very well. Any man would be lucky to get to see his face every day.
“I’m good with rules,” he said and threw his leg over one of mine. He froze. “Is this okay?”
I nodded and he settled against me, propping himself up on my chest so we could look at each other. My hands moved of their own volition, burying my fingers in his hair and pushing it back from his face.
I cleared my throat and focused again. “I need you to be upfront and honest about when you need a break. Just say the word and walk away for a while. I’d much rather that happen than you getting frustrated or resentful.”
His brow creased. “Why would I need a break? I mean, it’s a good rule in general because good communication is key. But I’m still confused as to why you think I’d need to walk away.”
I gave him a look. He stared innocently back. He was going to make me say it. I narrowed my gaze.
“Because of my disability.”
He groaned and thunked his head down on my chest. A moment later, he lifted his head again and placed it back in my hands, even going so far as to wiggling it so I would know exactly what he wanted. It made me chuckle, and I obliged, sliding my fingers into his hair again. He let out a happy hum.
“You’re being dumb,” he murmured, eyes drifting closed as though he just enjoyed the sensation of my hands on him. “It’s okay. I’ll show you.”
I gave his head a squeeze and then a tiny shake. “I’m being serious.”
He cracked his eyes open and his lips quirked up. “I know you are. And I get it. Well, in the abstract because it’s not something I experience. But I understand what you mean. And you’re wrong.”
“Kellan—”
He slid up my body so we were nose to nose. I had trouble focusing on his eyes when he was this close but he didn’t care. “I might need space from you. You might need space from me. But it’s not because of your legs. So do your best to let that go, and in the meantime, I’ll just keep showing you it doesn’t matter to me. Now, any other ground rules? Because I have one of my own.”
I opened my mouth to argue, to really hammer the point home, but suddenly found I didn’t want to. He was right there, all warm and willing and determined, and in a move completely surprising to me, I decided to just let it ride. When it inevitably got too much and he left, I’d be crushed. Maybe even devastated. But I’d be vindicated too, and that was a powerful enough emotion to get me through. I saw it all in that split second. Kellan was my one chance, and if, when , it all went to shit then I would live the rest of my life alone.
“What’s your rule?”
He squinted at me, but after a moment, he said softly, “You have to try.”
I didn’t roll my eyes but it was a near thing. “Of course I’m going to tr—”
“Nope.” Kellan moved fast, breaking my hold and straddling my hips again. He put one hand on either side of my head and lowered his face until we were close but still able to focus on each other. “I mean you really have to try, Felix. No half-assing it. No waiting for the other shoe to drop. No expecting the worst. I want you all in and trying. ”
I cocked my head. “You know, when you think about it, half-ass is a strange phrase. Like going whole ass is better? That seems counterintuitive.”
“Felix!” He groaned but he was laughing too. “Come on.”
I hugged him to me and he landed on me with a grunt. He wasn’t that heavy, and he wasn’t hurting me, so I kept him there even when he tried to wiggle away. He gave it up a second or two later, giving me his weight. I kissed his forehead, then his cheek, then nudged his head sideways until I could speak in his ear.
“Yeah, okay. I’m gonna be shit at it. I’ve never really done the relationship thing.”
“I’ll help. Trust me, I’m not afraid to call you out.” Kellan tucked his face against my neck and let out a long slow breath. With it, the tension fled from his body. He settled right in, apparently content to lay on top of me. It was fine for now, but eventually I’d have to move. Strangely, I was already regretting that moment when we’d lose this contact.
I was even more sure now that Kellan was my one chance. Who else would put up with my shit? I decided then and there that he deserved my best effort, so that when he left, I would know exactly why.
I t all came crashing down a week later.
We’d been in the happy honeymoon glow of a new relationship. For six days, we texted constantly. Hung out all the time. Kellan brought me lunch at the store, or we ended up at my house after I was done for the day. Not that I didn’t want to go to his place, but it was easier for me to get around my own home and Kellan didn’t seem to mind. Plus, I had the hot tub. And a wet, warm, naked Kellan was a sight to behold.
It started when I woke up alone. Granted, I’d sent him on his way in the wee hours because I was already hurting and having him in bed with me wouldn’t have been a good idea. So I was in a piss poor mood even before I opened my eyes and took stock of my body. My left leg was aching terribly, and I looked down at the offending limb to see it was swollen. I sighed heavily. That happened from time to time when I overdid it.
I took ibuprofen before I even got out of bed and then slowly went through my morning routine. Exercising was harder than usual, because of how much it hurt, and it felt both better and worse when I was done. My shower took more effort than normal and my mood was tanking fast. Still, when I saw Kellan’s good morning text, I did my best to answer honestly while still remaining neutral.
Not a great day, pain wise. But I’m doing ok. How’re you?
It only took him three seconds to respond.
Oh no! Can I do anything to help?
No.
The dots appeared, then disappeared twice before his response came through.
Okay. Let me know if that changes!
Then he added a damn smiley face. I didn’t respond to any of it, too focused on making it to the kitchen and trying to decide if it was bad enough to need my chair, or even call off and ask Ma to handle the store. But I was tired of leaning so hard on Ma—I hadn’t hired a part-time employee yet—and I was sick to death of my legs derailing my days. So even though I knew, logically, it was better to take care of my physical health rather than make things worse, I powered through. I got ready, I ate food, and then I headed into the store.
It wasn’t that I was purposefully ignoring Kellan’s texts. Or the two calls. I was just busy. Having to put on a smiling, happy face for the customers when I was miserable was extremely wearying. And I was busy. With the summer starting to wind down, tourists were out in force. There were only a few weeks left until school started up again, and that was when, notoriously, vacations slowed way down. I had to make the most of it while I could. The summer sales often carried me through until the holiday shopping season when things picked up again. Though there was a small bump during the fall when folks went antiquing, only half my stock interested them, and it wasn’t enough income to sustain me long term
I thought I’d finally get a break around dinnertime, when folks were looking for their own food as well. I waved off an older couple and then breathed a sigh of relief as I sat on my stool. I’d been on my feet too long, and my legs were loudly protesting. But no sooner had my ass touched the seat, and there went the bell above the door again. I stifled the groan and pasted on a smile.
“You’re being a shit boyfriend,” Kellan proclaimed, rounding the one display tall enough in the store to hide him. It hadn’t been smart to put it in my line of sight to the door, but sometimes I wanted to hide too. He glared at me, and then his gaze took me in from head to toe. “At least you look relatively okay.”
I huffed, his tone putting me on the defensive even though I knew he was right. “I’ve been busy.”
He nodded like he was agreeing, then raised his eyebrow. “Too busy to even send an ‘I’m busy’ text. Mhmm. I see.”
“I was actually. Until about two minutes ago.”
More nodding. “And your phone is in your hand, right now, to call or text me and explain everything.”
I did not appreciate the condescending tone. “What the fuck, Kellan? I literally just sat down. What do you want from me?”
“I was worried, you asshole,” he said, leaning on the counter and into my space. Instinct had me wanting to scoot back, but I held my ground.
“Why?” I gritted out.
“The last I heard from you was a one word answer, and then you’ve been ignoring me all day. I thought something was wrong. With you. With us . What was I supposed to think?”
I heard it then. He tried to hide it, but I heard the hitch of hurt and worry in his tone. And just that fast, I deflated. All the righteousness fled.
“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean…I was busy and I just….” I sighed. “I told you I was shit at this.”
Kellan’s expression softened and he rounded the counter, but he didn’t step beyond the boundary. He leaned a hip against the counter instead. “And here I am, calling you out. As promised.”
He made a flourish with his hand and bowed. Just that fast, the tension between us was broken and I had to laugh. He smiled, looking more like himself and it was only then that I realized just how upset and pissed off he’d been. I opened my arms and this time, he didn’t hesitate. He moved fast, hugging me tightly. I kissed the side of his head.
“I am sorry. I may have been ignoring you because I was cranky as hell, but I didn’t realize it, and I didn’t mean to. Thank you for calling me out.”
“Any time. I mean it.” He kissed my neck, causing me to shiver, which made him laugh wickedly. He pulled back and kissed me properly. I chased his mouth when he pulled away.
“How can I make it up to you?” There was no mistaking the intent in my tone. It was his turn to shiver.
“Well, that’s definitely happening. Because this was our first fight, such as it was, and there is customary making up to do.” He grinned, and I saw the heat there. But it only lasted a second, before it was replaced by something else. It took a second for me to parse it out. Uncertainty. “There is something you can do though. Something else, I mean.”
“What’s that?” I tried to keep all the wariness I was feeling out of my tone.
It took him a few seconds to answer. “Oak’s birthday is next week. Go to the party with me?”
I couldn’t explain the sudden unease that washed through me. I was already attending, of course. Oak had made that clear months ago. Apparently it was going to be some big shindig in the backyard of the yellow house. Since all the kids had birthdays in colder months, the planning was a group effort or something.
Kellan was waiting for an answer. I cleared my throat. “I didn’t realize you and he knew each other that well.”
Kellan narrowed his eyes but answered anyway. “We got closer while planning camp and then during the overnight. He texted an invite the other day. But if you don’t want me to go—”
“No.” I cut that thought off right there, not wanting him to think for a second that I was trying to dictate his movements or friendships. “I was just surprised, is all.”
Another one of Kellan’s slow nods, like he was piecing things together. “So you just don’t want to go with me then?”
I cocked a brow. “Did I say that?”
“Not with words,” Kellan muttered.
I laughed and tugged him in, pushing all the unease aside. It was only because this was new and different, and Oak was going to say something to me. I wasn’t na?ve enough to think he’d just leave it alone and let me show up with a date. And then Teague would get involved and it would become a whole thing I wasn’t sure I was ready for
“I’d love to go with you.” A bit of a stretch, but not a lie. “Just be prepared for those nosy busybodies to be in our business.”
“I can handle that.” Kellan kissed me, slow and sweet, nice and easy, and somehow that got him worked up faster than when I had him naked and on his knees. He was panting when he pulled back. “Now about the other way you’re going to make it up to me…”
I laughed and contemplated whether I had enough time, and strength, to drag him to the backroom. Another customer entering put a kibosh on that. I kissed him one more time and gently shoved him away.
“Save it for later. Then we will make with the making up.”