Chapter 20
Kellan
T he first day of school wasn’t just exciting for the kids, it was also exciting for teachers. I’d even had colleagues who were a bit superstitious about the first day. Something about how you continued the year in the same vein you started it?
In that case, my year would be pretty good. Only one kid cried—he was missing his hamster—and all in all, it was quite normal. We got to know each other, we learned where everything was and some of the rules I had in my class.
When the kids got to me in third grade, they were already seasoned school-goers. I didn’t have many things I needed to teach them about being a student that they didn’t already know from previous years. The fact that the teacher the year below me was more like me than not helped immensely.
I’d heard horror stories from friends who had horribly old-timey, conservative, even religious teachers sending them kids who were expecting that sort of thing in their class too, and frankly I was relieved that things were better at Fairview.
It would take a while for everyone to get used to the schedule that felt brand new after the summer, but we always did, eventually.
That said, by the time I made it home, it was five, because Tabby had dragged me to the diner for a milkshake after school. She’d just started another run with the first grade kiddos and was frazzled beyond belief. Frazzled, but tiredly beaming. Apparently it had gone better than the previous year, this year only one kid peed himself, four cried, and another one puked out of excitement. I felt even more secure about my choice to teach the third grade.
I dragged myself into my house and pondered on what to do with dinner. I could message Felix to see if he wanted to eat together. If not physically, then at least through a video call or something. I just felt like I needed him.
But first, I wanted a shower and a change of clothes. I felt as if I’d been touched by too many grubby hands even though that wasn’t real. Metaphorical kid hands? Something like that.
I smiled as I let the hot water relax my muscles. Oh, the aches and pains of not really crouching down much over the summer and then being around small humans all day. That was another thing that’d go away given a while.
Once I was dressed again, I peered in the mirror I had over my dresser and wondered if I should redye my hair soon. I had been tired of the pink for a while, but I just hadn’t gotten around to doing anything about it. At least the school didn’t care, they were all for some personality in the teachers here, which I appreciated. I’d really lucked out with Fairview, and that was not just the Academy.
I smiled at the thought of Felix, and decided it was a good time to text him. I headed to the kitchen when my phone rang.
As I picked it up from the counter, I saw it was my mom.
“Hey, mom!”
“Hello, honey. How did your first day of school go?” she asked, her voice warm and interested.
Smiling again, I walked to my couch and sat down. “Well, my back is already killing me, but the kids were great.”
She laughed, and we chatted about school for a few moments.
Then she said, “So, I talked to Michelle.”
Riley’s mother.
“Okay?”
“You haven’t RSVPd yet?”
I grimaced. “No. I… at this point and I know it’s late, I guess….”
“You thought that by not RSVPing you can let enough time pass so it makes the decision for you.”
I frowned and rubbed my forehead. “Yes.”
“Well tough luck, son.” Her tone was so much like dad’s when he’d said those words to me throughout my life when I whined about something that it made me grin.
“Why is that?”
“Michelle has made sure you and a plus one are in the seating chart. She says she won’t take no for an answer; she wants to see you. And so does Frank.”
But it wasn’t Michelle and Frank’s wedding, it was their son’s.
Sighing, I felt like kicking rocks or something as if I was once again a petulant teenager. “Fine. Fine. I’ll… I’ll be there. With someone. I’ll bring a friend if Felix can’t come.”
“Good.” I knew the next thing she was about to say before she even opened her mouth. “How have things been with Felix?”
I managed to get out of the call ten minutes later and let my head fall back against the back of the couch. I could do this. Going to the wedding would be fine. At least I knew what I’d get Riley as a wedding present. Since I didn’t know the bride, I wouldn’t worry about that.
My phone pinged in my hand.
Hey. Don’t worry, but I fell. I’m at the ED at CVPH. I’m fine, I swear. Just waiting for the tests to come back and then they’ll send me home.
Panic rushed through me as I scrambled to my feet, texting him back. Except… what?
I felt shaky as I sat back down, staring at his messages. What?
Trying to gather my thoughts, I started and stopped writing a message a few times. Then my brain engaged enough for me to call him.
His words were… they weren’t cruel. Or even mean. He just seemed… oblivious to why I would want to be there for him. The fact that he’d called Teague made my insides clench.
I tried to keep my breathing in control, because I recognized I was spiraling and this was so not the time. I’d still been at school, yes, but he was my—“Since I’m getting discharged, do you want to come get me?”
“Yes.” I hung up.
My heart was on overdrive. My brain tried to remind me that if he was being discharged, it couldn’t be that bad. But he’d still had to go to the hospital. And he’d not called me.
Of course I was happy he’d called Teague and not tried to drive himself, but holy fuck, he hadn’t called me.
I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge yet. I spent the forty-minute drive—it was post work time, and as close as we got to a rush hour—by trying to sort my head out. It was just that I… couldn’t.
By the time I made it to CVHP, I had stopped trembling, but my hands were shaking as I got out of the car.
He was fine. There was nothing major wrong with him. He was just fine.
I tried to not trample people as I headed to the ED. Once I got there, I had to wait to sign in at security, fumbled my ID when I pulled it out of my wallet, and tapped my foot impatiently as it took forever for the visitor’s sticker to print. I slapped it on my chest and refocused so I could hear the security guard’s directions. Finally, he hit the buzzer, unlocking the door, and I all but sprinted down the corridor, looking for Felix.
I spotted him through the glass when I neared his bed. At least he was alive. Relatively unscathed. I could do this and not be mad. I could.
I walked to him with purpose, and he noticed me coming. He smiled, but something about my expression must’ve tipped him off, because suddenly he looked… confused?
“Hey. Thanks for coming to get me,” he said and lifted his hand, then winced. “They’re about to bring me the papers.”
“Good,” I pushed the word out through my teeth as my jaw tried to clench. “What happened?”
“I was in the tub, and then I wasn’t,” he said, smiling as if it was amusing. “I didn’t hit my head, and nothing is broken. I just bruised some ribs and they already wrapped me up, so I’ll be good to go soon.”
I took in a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the relief I felt. “Okay.” I glanced away from him.
His confusion was still lingering, and he reached for my hand with his better one—it was now clear which side he’d injured more.
I let him take my hand and went with the movement when he tugged me down for a kiss. A simple press of his mouth against mine. It should’ve been more comforting. But the anger I was feeling that swirled with insecurity was not letting me have it.
I gave him a tight smile as I straightened myself.
“Kellan, what’s—”
“Okay, Mr. Decker, I have your discharge papers here.” A young nurse looked at us, smiling.
“How about I go move the car to the doors?” I attempted a light tone.
“Absolutely. I have a wheelchair for Mr. Decker right here.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in a bit, babe,” I told Felix and kissed his cheek before marching out of the suffocating space.
I got into my car and was shaking again. It was getting old. I felt like a weird sort of powder keg, but I couldn’t even articulate why I was so upset. The fact that Felix just seemed like he didn’t get that I would even be upset was only feeding my messy emotions.
I moved the sedan and then called Giacomo’s for a pizza order. I needed to eat, and it needed to be a treat because I knew I would have a hard time choking down anything else. I could’ve grabbed groceries on the way to Felix’s, but I wanted to get him settled first. He needed to eat as well, so pizza it was.
I went around the car to open the door as I saw the nice nurse wheeling Felix out. He looked so put out by the chair, and I knew he would’ve wheeled himself out if he could’ve. Shit, that was another thing. I needed to concentrate on not hovering when I got him home. Luckily, hopefully , he could walk okay until his ribs healed. I couldn’t imagine him being able to use his chair much during that time.
The way Felix held himself as he got up made me wince internally. I could see how much pain he was in, and that made me feel like shit. He had enough challenges as it was, why couldn’t the universe give him a break? If I’d fallen and bruised myself to all hell, it would be a hard time for me. For him? The adjusting he would have to do seemed wholly unfair.
As he maneuvered himself onto the passenger’s seat and we said goodbye and thanks to the nurse, I tried to calm down. I needed time to figure out what exactly I was feeling before I could have a conversation with him.
“I called Giacomo’s; I got us pizzas,” I said as I maneuvered us out of the hospital parking lot.
“Oh, good. I didn’t even think about dinner.”
“I haven’t eaten yet, either, so two birds and all that.” I tried for a smile, keeping my eyes locked on the traffic.
“How was your day?” Felix asked, his tone kind of unsure.
I gave him the bullet points, getting to my milkshake date with Tabby just in time for my quick stop at the pizza place.
“First graders seem like a lot,” he commented, chuckling. He’d laughed at my story about Jamie missing his hamster and then he’d winced, probably because of his ribs.
“I’ll be right back,” I said and got out of the car.
I took in a few deep breaths as I walked inside Giacomo’s. I could do this. There was no need to get angry at him. He didn’t even know what he’d done wrong, and I didn’t need to make him feel worse with my issues.
When I got back to the car, I’d evened out a little. The pizza smelled good enough that my stomach growled very loudly.
“Someone needs fuel,” Felix teased.
I smiled. “I can’t disagree with that.”
A few times during the drive to his house, Felix opened his mouth and then closed it again, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. I didn’t feel like talking, so I hummed along to random songs on the radio.
I stopped the car next to his ramp. “Do you think you can walk or should I go get your chair?”
“I’ll walk, sitting down hurts enough that—” He grimaced.
“Okay. Want me to get out and hover a little?” I attempted a light tone.
He shook his head, smiling. “No, it’s okay. Just park the car and bring the pizza.”
I box breathed while he got out and closed the door. I didn’t watch as he started the journey up the ramp, instead choosing to ignore everything but parking.
I grabbed the pizzas and breathed for another half a minute, before stepping out. I could do this. He was clearly fine. He wasn’t in active danger. He’d be okay in a few weeks, maybe a month.
As I lifted my gaze, he had just made his way to the door and was unlocking it. His body language was tinged with pain I hated to see, but that couldn’t be helped. I hoped he was going to be fine with taking his better meds, because I couldn’t see him relaxing enough to fall asleep otherwise.
I winced at the thought of how sore he would be in the morning and wondered if I should insist on staying for the night, even though I had an early morning.
Catching the door, I waited for him to shuffle inside, then followed him and closed it behind us.
“Where do you want to settle?” I asked him, instead of dictating his choice for him. Look, I could learn, slow as I could be.
“I think the couch is fine for now, but I’ll probably need help getting to bed later.”
“Okay. Go and sit, then toe off your shoes. I’ll bring them here for you.” I toed my own shoes off and went into the kitchen.
I put slices of the pizzas—I’d chosen both of our favorites, but we mixed and matched—on two plates, grabbed bottles of water, and some paper towels just in case. Giacomo’s was sometimes a bit greasy, not that I was against that whatsoever.
I handed Felix his plate and bottle, then put mine on the coffee table. I took his shoes next to mine, and went back to settle next to him on the couch.
Everything I did felt a big mechanical, and I wasn’t sure I liked that. Especially because Felix was noticing it.
We ate in a weird silence that wasn’t comfortable. I couldn’t help that. Part of me wanted to flee the situation. Make sure he was settled in bed and then leave as soon as I could, so I could go and not pour what was in my messy brain all over him while he was already having a shit time.
He finished his pizza, and I took his plate from him on autopilot and set it on the coffee table so he didn’t need to bend forward himself. It took me two more bites to be finished with mine, but when I reached to take his plate so I could take them both into the kitchen, Felix put his hand on my arm.
“Kellan, can we talk?”
I took a deep breath as I put my plate on top of his and wiped my fingers with the paper towel. Then I leaned back and looked everywhere but his face.
“Okay?”
He turned toward me, then winced and adjusted his position. “You’re upset, and I’d like to know why?”
I stared over the open space toward the kitchen and tried to formulate the thoughts I had into words.
What came out of my mouth was, “You didn’t call me.”
“I texted you–.”
“ After. You should have called me when it happened.”
I could see in my peripheral that he frowned. “But you were at school. It was the first day, honey. I didn’t want to interrupt. It was easier to call Teague.”
Inhaling, trying to stay calm, I said, “But you didn’t want me there.”
He reached to put his hand on my arm, and I almost jerked away from the touch. He must’ve felt that, because he slowly pulled his hand back.
“I told you there was nothing you could do. You had a day to finish, and I knew I wasn’t hurt badly enough for them to keep me there. It could all wait until your day was done.”
He just didn’t see it.
“Okay.” I stood up and stepped around the coffee table so he couldn’t reach me, then took the plates and balled up paper towels to the kitchen.
“Kellan.” His tone was frustrated, and that made my own frustration bubble to the surface.
I almost-slammed the plates in the sink before I whirled around.
“No! You don’t get to take that tone with me, Felix.”
His expression was filled with puzzlement but I could tell his temper was rising. “Why? You’re acting—”
“I’m acting like I fucking care . I’m acting like I’m in love with you, Felix. How would you feel if it was the other way around? If I got hurt and didn’t tell you? Or hell, what if your mom took a fall and went to the hospital and didn’t let you know immediately?” I was loud as fuck by the time I got to the end of the rant.
Panting for breath, I tried to shake the anger out of my arms, because I felt it in my whole body now.
“I don’t fucking care if it was nothing, Felix. I don’t care if you got out the same day. You’re important to me and—” And then I realized that I’d blurted out the words he might never say back to me, and I froze completely.