Chapter 21
Felix
W hat in the fuck? That was a lot to unpack. A lot he’d thrown out there. My mind spun as I tried to process it all. I was still confused as to what, exactly, was going on. Because he was usually so even keel, and he certainly wasn’t acting like himself. I had to get to the bottom of that but I wasn’t sure how.
Clearly, though, I needed to be the cooler head. Which was a reverse from the usual but he was incredibly worked up. I took a breath.
“Okay, wait, wait. Let’s just back up a second, because I’m still not clear on why you’re so upset.” I tried for a calm, even tone but maybe it didn’t work because Kellan crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at me. I hated the distance between us but maybe it was better for the moment. He wasn’t prone to violence but he sure looked like he wanted to deck me.
“Of course you aren’t,” he ground out.
I let that go, refusing to rise to the bait. “I got in touch the moment I knew what was going on. But you want to know the moment something happens?”
I hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question but there was no taking it back. Kellan’s glare intensified.
“Obviously. Not that you care about that, clearly. You don’t trust me to--.”
“Hey,” I interrupted, a little sharply. But I couldn’t let that stand. His nostrils flared but he snapped his mouth shut. “Why would you think this is about trust? Or lack thereof?”
Kellan let out a snort that sounded a hell of a lot like disbelief. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? You don’t trust me to be there for you when you need it. Like I said before, wouldn’t you want to know if it were me or your Ma? Or hell, Teague? You’d want to know the instant it happened, right?”
“Yes,” I said slowly. It felt like a trap.
He held out a hand, palm up, clearly a “well there you go” kind of gesture. But it wasn’t clear at all. I tried to make my mind work faster, to see where he was coming from, to understand. And then, from one moment to the next, it clicked.
“I think…yeah. I’m pretty sure we’re coming from this from two different directions.” I stared at Kellan, but when he didn’t say anything or change expressions, I continued. “From my view, you were busy, you couldn’t drop everything, and I didn’t want to worry you when you couldn’t leave your kids. When you’ve been as big a burden as I—”
“You’re not a fucking burden,” he ground out.
I went on as if he hadn’t interrupted, not acknowledging his statement. “...have been, you learn to make it as easy as possible on others. I was trying my hardest not to be an asshole, honey.”
“You didn’t succeed,” he muttered and I was sure I wasn’t supposed to hear that. I would have pointed out that I did, in fact, hear it, but his body posture loosened a little and I decided to press my advantage, such as it was.
“I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals. After the accident, it was almost five weeks before I was released the first time. When I had my second surgery, I was there for eight days. Not to mention the other times. I saw what it did to my friends at the time, and worse, how it interrupted Ma’s life. I really didn’t want to cause problems for you on your first day back.”
Kellan opened his mouth, then shut it again. A second later, he lifted his hand to his mouth and chewed on his thumb cuticle. I had the urge to keep talking, to keep justifying, but instead, I bit my tongue. I’d said my piece. How he took it and reacted from there was up to him and something I couldn’t control, more’s the pity.
After a few minutes of silence that felt like at least a day, his shoulders relaxed and his face lost some of the color. He’d gotten worked up enough that his face was red, but that was subsiding. So I decided to add one more thing.
“It has nothing to do with trust, I swear. I trust you.”
That made Kellan move. He crossed the room in four long strides, standing close to the couch but just out of touching distance. When he spoke, most of the hurt and anger was gone, though a little bit still remained, and he sounded more like himself.
“But see, it kind of does. I need you to trust me when I say that you are not now, nor will ever be, a burden. I want to be interrupted. I want to worry. I want to sit by your bedside and be bored if something happens again. I care about you and it’s really important to me that I get to be there.”
I tilted my head as I studied him. “Only care? Because ten minutes ago you said something else entirely.”
He groaned and just a hint of his usual sparkle came back into his eyes. “Let’s just forget about that entirely.”
“Okay.” I smiled.
He squinted. “Okay?”
“Yep.” I held out a hand. “And okay to the rest of it, too. I mean it. You know I’m still…learning or whatever. And I swear, it never occurred to me to one, talk about this before it happened or two, to call you right away. Not when I wasn’t seriously hurt. But from now on, I’ll do better.”
Kellan hesitated just a moment more, then grabbed my hand and let me tug him closer. I wanted to pull him right down onto my lap, but I didn’t think we were quite there yet. Most of the tension had left his frame, and I knew a conversation wasn’t going to fix everything. I had to show him too. I had to prove that I was learning. Words only went so far.
As if he didn’t quite believe me, he gave me a narrow-eyed look. “Can I come with you to your follow up appointment?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. “I’m not sure when that will be. I have to call in the morning. I’ll do my best to make it later in the day, so you don’t have to miss work. But you know I’m at the whims of my primary care and what they have available.”
He nodded. “I’ll get a sub if I have to, but I appreciate that.”
Another tug, and he was standing between my legs. I almost had him where I wanted him. Just a little more.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you today. It wasn’t my intention at all, but I know that doesn’t excuse or erase it. And I’m sorry that we had to have a…blow up to discuss it.”
Kellan nodded and touched my cheek softly. “I’m sorry I snapped and yelled instead of discussing it more rationally.”
I shrugged. “You were having some big feelings. And sometimes, big feelings take over before we can self-regulate. Isn’t that what you say about your kids?”
He chuckled then, the last of the tension leaving him, and he gave my head a gentle shove. “Asshole.”
I laughed too, let go of his hand, and grabbed his hips. My yank almost set him tumbling into my lap, which is what I wanted, but he caught himself on the back of the couch instead.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured.
“You won’t,” I responded in the same tone.
Kellan was cautious as he folded himself over me, knees on either side of my hips, and gingerly lowered himself onto my thighs. I could tell he was holding up some of his weight, but his legs wouldn’t be able to keep that up for long. I pinched his nipple, he yelped and landed fully on me. I held back the wince because it was a fleeting moment of discomfort and I knew he’d scramble off me if he saw it.
“You know, I’m sorta surprised you didn’t yell back at me.” Kellan’s tone was conversational but I was distracted for a second by him running his fingers through my hair. I loved a good head scratch.
“You weren’t being you, honey. So I couldn’t be me. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I knew it was big. And I didn’t want us to break over it.”
The expression that lit his eyes, the sheer affection and, dare I say it, love, was almost too much to bear. Definitely too soon. Kellan seemed to realize it instantly though because his expression shifted to one of cheeky mischief.
“You’re growing up so fast,” he said, fake emotion in his voice. He went so far as to wipe a non-existent tear from the corner of his eye.
I laughed deeply, then cut it off short as pain sliced through me. At least I had the wherewithal to grab Kellan’s hips so he didn’t get off my lap. I slipped my hand under the hem of his T-shirt and soothed him by stroking his skin. It took him a few seconds, but he settled again.
He kissed me, slow and sweet, and as much as I wanted to take it deeper, I wasn’t in any state to do so. So I let it be what it was. Comfort and a show of care.
Eventually, he slid sideways and settled beside me. The day was catching up with me and I knew I’d need the good painkillers and sleep soon. But for the moment, I was content to enjoy this. Bumps were to be expected when two people were trying to fit their lives together. I knew everything wasn’t going to be sunshine and roses just from a conversation. But it had been an important one, and it was a start.
I woke up the next morning in agony. Not only did my ribs hurt more today, but my left leg was aching something fierce. Probably because I’d had to sleep semi-propped up because of my ribs, and my legs didn’t like that. The worst part about chronic pain and injury was having to adjust around a different injury because that often made the original pain worse.
I’d been there before and I was sure I would be again.
I’d spoken to Ma when I was waiting for Kellan to get to the ED and then again before we went to sleep. She’d already told me to stay home today, and I’d planned on it anyway. There was no way I could be a functioning member of society in this amount of pain. It would be a Percs and sleep kind of day. It still pissed me off, but I reminded myself that even if I hadn’t already been disabled, an injury to the ribs would warrant a day off.
Kellan had spent the night. Neither one of us had wanted him to leave, and I think that even if I had, it would have been the final straw. I was glad to have him there to help though, which was a new emotion for me. Usually, I was grouchy when I needed assistance. But having a strong man to help me to the bathroom in the middle of the night had made it so much easier.
Speaking of Kellan…I squinted at the clock and saw that it was not quite six-thirty. I heard the shower running and realized that could have been what woke me up. I was kind of surprised I hadn’t heard his alarm. I knew he liked to be at school by seven-thirty, so he had an hour to settle in and get ready before students arrived. He was also often on bus duty, making sure no one got out of hand as they got off the buses and streamed into the building.
Just then the water shut off and ten minutes later, Kellan sauntered into my room in nothing but a towel. I could tell he was about to say something flirty or funny, but one glance at me and his expression changed from playful to concerned.
“Tell me you're going to take Percocet.”
It was a demand more than a question but I nodded anyway. “I need to get something in my stomach first though. And I need to message Delia and ask her to reschedule. She would be quiet and all, but she can skip this week.”
“Your cleaner?” He asked and when I made an affirmative sound, he nodded. “Okay. Give me two minutes to throw on clothes and I’ll whip you up some eggs and toast, then bring you your pills. Where’s your phone? I’ll message her for you.”
“I can do—" I shook my head, cutting myself off. He wanted to help and especially right now, I needed to let him. I waved a hand. “Have at it. And thank you. My phone’s probably still in my pants and needing to be charged.”
He grinned but was already moving. I watched as he bustled around, pulling on yesterday’s clothes sans underwear—he would have to stop home on his way to school—and then finding my phone in my jeans. He muttered something about twelve percent, then found Delia’s contact and texted her. Then he unearthed the charging cord from where it had fallen off the nightstand and plugged it in, making sure the phone was within my reach.
“I’d kiss you, but I have morning breath,” I said, grabbing his wrist before he could walk away. I lifted it to my mouth and placed a kiss there instead. Kellan shivered.
“Like I care.” He bent and kissed me hard, but kept it short, and then he was off again. A moment later, I heard him humming and a minute after that, the sound of my espresso machine kicking on.
I must have dozed off because the rattle of dishes had me opening my eyes. Kellan had unearthed a tray I knew I’d stashed in the back of a cupboard and on it was a steaming plate of eggs, two pieces of thoroughly buttered wheat toast, and a latte fixed exactly how I liked it.
“I would have come into the kitchen,” I said as he placed the tray on my lap.
Kellan didn’t acknowledge that. “Eat. I’ll be back.”
He kissed the top of my head and then pulled two pill bottles out of his pocket and set them on the nightstand. One was my prescribed Percocet, the other was eight hundred milligram ibuprofen. Either he’d read the discharge papers or he’d remembered my previous ramble of the best cocktail for my pain control. To be fair, it was probably both. He was thorough like that.
I’d eaten one of the eggs and a piece of toast by the time he returned, this time with a very large water bottle filled to the top and floating with ice. He set that on the nightstand too and then sat on the edge of the bed near my hip.
“Don’t be stubborn about the pills.”
I smirked. “I won’t. I promise.”
He took that for what it is. “I need to run or I’ll be late. I’ll be back around five, okay?”
I blew him a kiss, just to be silly, and I really liked the way his face lit up. “I’ll be waiting.”
Kellan stood, but he bent over to look me straight in the eye. “Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”
“I’m just gonna take drugs and sleep all day,” I said, but when he narrowed his gaze, I grinned. “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
“You better.” Then he kissed me once, twice, three times before finally stepping back and licking his lips. “Mmm. Coffee.”
I shook my head, but I couldn’t help the amused smile that pulled at my lips. “Did you make yourself some?”
“I’m stealing a travel mug,” he said in answer. “I’ll see you later.”
“Have a good day.”
I waited until he was gone and I heard the front door shut firmly before I went back to my breakfast. As soon as I finished, I could take the drugs. I hadn’t been kidding. I needed the meds and sleep. I wasn’t doing anything else today.
It was twenty minutes later, food gone and meds swallowed, as I was attempting to find the most comfortable position to sleep in, that I let myself acknowledge that Kellan taking care of me was pretty damn great. So much so that I could get used to it if I let myself.
K ellan walked through the door at five-fifteen carrying two reusable shopping bags emblazoned with Altmann’s logo. He didn’t even notice me sitting on the couch for the first sixty seconds, and when he did, he jumped, not expecting me there. He even went so far as to blow out a breath and clutch his chest.
I raised a brow. “Did I scare your life?”
It took him a second to catch on. “You’ve been spending too much time with Tristan.”
I had to chuckle. It wasn’t so much the little boy as it was Oak, who liked to repeat Tris’s phrases that he mangled. I understood it was a kid thing, to get idioms and words incorrect and for the adults in their lives to think it was cute. Apparently, I wasn’t allowed to correct them. I tried once, when I heard Tristan call McDonald’s ‘Adonald’s’. I’d never been shushed so fast in my life. It made no sense to me, but I wasn’t parenting the kid.
“How you feeling?” Kellan asked as he set the bags on the table and started unpacking.
“Okay. In pain, but not too bad. I skipped the afternoon Perc but I’ll probably take one before bed. Kellan?”
“Hmm? What? Hey, I brought stuff for spaghetti Bolognese and also chicken piccata. I’m feeling Italian tonight, but I didn’t know what you preferred.”
He was distracted but for a totally different reason than I was. I hadn’t noticed when he first walked in.
“Either’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be good. Honey, can you come here?”
He was across the room in two seconds flat. “What do you need?”
“You got a haircut.”
Kellan went still for a second and he couldn’t quite meet my eyes. What was up with that?
“Oh. Um, yeah. That’s why I wasn’t here right after school. I had the hair appointment and then grocery shopping.”
“Mhmm. The pink’s gone.”
He still wouldn’t look directly at me. “Oh, heh, yeah. I don’t know what color I want next so I just figured I’d leave it until I decide. Why are you looking at me like I’m sus?”
I snorted a laugh. “Because you’re being ‘sus’. What’s up?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m just not sure what…” He sighed. “It’s dumb.”
“I doubt it. Talk to me.”
He squinted at me. “This new communicative you is a bit unsettling.”
I chuckled and grabbed his wrist, pulling him closer. “I can go back to being a grumpy asshole, if you prefer.”
“No,” he said, just a little too quickly. He shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. “I mean, I’m sure you’ll be grumpy again soon enough and we don’t need to rush it. I’ll take all the talking Felix I can get.”
“Stop avoiding the question. Tell me what’s going on.”
He sighed, long and gusty, before taking a seat on the coffee table in front of me. He still wouldn’t meet my gaze, watching his hands as he twisted his fingers instead. I waited, not exactly patient, but realizing now wasn’t the time to push.
“Remember that wedding I told you about?” He glanced at me, just long enough to see me nod, before he focused on his hands again. “Okay, yeah, so. They aren’t exactly the most progressive of people, you know? So I thought it would be better to avoid the vibrant colors until afterward.”
I growled without intending to. “You’re gonna dull your shine for some conservative asshats?”
A corner of Kellan’s mouth quirked up. “More like, not shove it in their face?”
“Fuck that.”
“Felix, it’s not that simple. I know you get that. Besides, I really don’t know what color I want to try next.
“Purple.”
He jerked his head up. “What?”
“I mean, it’s up to you.” I shrugged. “But I’d love to see you in a deep, rich purple or a pretty pastel lavender or something. You’d look good.”
“Oh.” His face broke into a wide grin. “I can do that. Purple would be fun.”
I nodded once. “And do it whenever you want. Don’t not do it to please people you don’t even see. That’s some kind of bullshit right there.”
He chewed his lip for a second and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” He stood and crossed back to the table, resuming his unpacking. He started to ramble about each dish and how they were both things he was good at making. When he got to the part about maybe making both, and just having leftovers, I caught on to the fact that he hadn’t definitively agreed with me and perhaps this wedding meant a bigger deal to him than I realized.
“Kel? Do you want me to go to the wedding with you?”
He froze, then turned slowly to face me, eyes wide. “Do you want to go?”
“Honestly?” I waited for the nod then gave him a smirk. “Not really, no. But what I do want is to be with you and support you, and if that means meeting the folks and being nice to people I don’t want to be nice to? Then yeah, sure. I wanna go.”
Kellan took a second to really parse that out and I could tell he was waging war with himself. He wanted me to go with him. He wanted me beside him. But at the same time, he didn’t want to make me do something I didn’t want to do. If I knew him at all, he was also probably doing mental gymnastics about accommodations and travel logistics considering my disability. I knew I was right when a few seconds later he opened his mouth and I could tell he was about to say I didn’t need to go.
I beat him to the punch. “Ask me to go to the wedding with you.”
He didn’t respond right away. A few tense seconds passed. Then he grinned. “Hey, Felix? Will you go to the wedding with me?”
“Yes.”