Chapter 9
HAWKE
I held the rifle against my shoulder as I watched the headlights bounce along the dirt road that led up to the house.
I’d grabbed it long before the car even made the turn from the secluded highway that bordered the property, because it was rare to see any kind of vehicle making the journey across the pass this time of night.
And since my only neighbor owned a huge cattle ranch, I knew the man was already in bed since he was up before the sun even rose.
It was likely just some poor soul who’d taken a wrong turn somewhere and gotten lost and was seeking directions, but I was hoping the rifle would make it clear that I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat.
Because I had work to do.
The drive from Seattle to Rocky Point, Wyoming had taken nearly twelve hours, but instead of getting the rest my body was demanding when I’d finally spied the lone light on the slight rise as I’d crested the last pass, I’d immediately started putting my plans into motion.
Not having Tate as part of the equation anymore would make finding Buck and Denny much more difficult, but what I couldn’t get with a few subtle questions, I could take with brute force.
Someone in Lulling would tell me where the bastards were one way or another.
From the moment I’d admitted to Ronan that I’d lost not only my wife, but my son as well, I’d been a man possessed.
Only I hadn’t had anyone or anything to take my rage out on, so I’d drowned myself in alcohol in the small, secluded motel I was staying at.
Ronan had called me several times and left messages asking me to go to Matty’s first appointment with the oncologist or to join them for dinner, but I hadn’t called him back.
I hadn’t wanted to see Matty and I definitely hadn’t wanted to see Tate.
And not only because my growing need for the other man was slowly driving me crazy.
No, I hadn’t wanted to see either of them because that fucking voice had gotten louder and louder in my head.
My wife’s voice.
My beautiful, gentle wife who’d given up everything to be with me. My wife who’d been carrying the child we’d been trying for years for.
And she’d kept saying the same three words over and over to me until the doubt grew like a cancer inside of me.
This isn’t you.
I’d done my best to ignore the words, but I’d heard them in every heartbeat, in every breath.
I’d figured that if I set a timetable, the relentless torment would stop, so I’d sobered up long enough to get in my car and drive to Seattle in the dead of night so I could confront Tate and tell him when we were leaving.
To my surprise, I hadn’t had any trouble finding out what room Matty was in because someone had put my name down as an authorized visitor.
A little bit of sweet talk with one of the nurses had gotten me around the fact that at just past midnight, it was too late for visitors and I’d been led to Matty’s private room.
She’d explained to me that the chemotherapy drugs were being administered to Matty while he was asleep and had warned me not to wake him up.
She’d also told me that Matty’s father was spending the nights with him.
I’d pushed open the door after steeling myself to face Tate, but all the pity for the man and his son that I’d forced away during my drive to the city had come roaring back when I’d seen Matty curled up on his side, his Spiderman doll and teddy bear clutched against his chest. There’d been only a small light on above Matty’s bed, but it’d been enough to see where the line from the IV bag entered his body through two cannulas that were sticking out of his skin beneath a huge bandage.
I’d managed to quietly close the door behind me as my eyes had drifted to Tate who’d been asleep in a large chair next to Matty’s bed.
His hand had been extended onto Matty’s bed, his fingers resting on one of the little boy’s arms.
I’d willed myself to wake Tate up and tell him we were leaving in a couple days, but instead of moving towards him, I’d gone to the other side of the room and dropped down into an identical chair to the one Tate had been sitting in and I’d watched them both sleep.
I’d stayed until light began filtering through the window and as I’d gotten up to leave, I’d walked right up to Tate.
But instead of shaking him awake, I’d merely stood there watching him sleep, his features relaxed.
Right before I’d left, I’d run my fingers through his thick hair, marveling at its softness as it had curled around my fingers.
I’d spent the next day at Seth and Ronan’s house shredding my body in their gym in the hopes that the brutal workout would distract me from what I needed to do.
And hours later when I’d made the trip to the city again, I’d been determined to follow through with my plan.
Only that night ended up like the first one.
And so went every night after that. At some point, Revay’s voice had quieted in my mind and when it was finally silent, I’d known it was time to finish what I’d started.
So twenty-four hours ago when I’d walked out of Matty’s room, I’d let my fingers rest in Tate’s hair like I had all the other nights, but then I’d gone a step further and leaned down to brush my lips over his temple.
He’d stirred just enough so that his lips were achingly close to mine and I’d finally given in to my need to taste him and had brushed my mouth over the corner of his.
The result had been electric and it had taken everything in me to step away from him.
I’d driven back to Whidbey Island just as the sun had been rising over the mountains behind me and for the first time in the ten years since I’d lost Revay, I’d felt a few moments of peace.
I’d gone back to the motel and slept for a couple of hours before gathering my things.
My plan had been to return to the hospital only long enough to take care of the hospital bill, but when I’d spied a toy store on the way to the ferry dock, I hadn’t been able to curb the need to leave a little piece of myself behind with the little boy who’d reminded me what true strength was all about.
Matty’s smile as I’d entered his hospital room had turned me inside out and when he’d put out his arms expectantly, I’d hugged him and fought the sting of tears I’d felt burning the backs of my eyes.
I’d only glanced at Seth once because the young man’s knowing eyes had had me wanting to retreat in on myself.
I’d had no doubt that he’d known what my plan for Tate was and I hadn’t wanted to risk the same look of censure in his eyes that I’d seen in Ronan’s that first day.
I’d listened as Matty had proudly explained how brave he’d been for all the tests and procedures that had been done on him and that he’d made a new friend named Susie, but my heart had nearly broken when he’d asked if I would spend the night like his daddy did.
The doll I’d bought him had helped appease him when I’d explained that I had to leave for a while and I hadn’t lingered after that.
Partly because I hated hurting the little boy who’d clearly grown fonder of me than he probably should have, considering the shitty way I’d treated him.
But mostly because I hadn’t wanted to run into his father.
My obsession with Tate was spiraling out of control and I’d been terrified that even being around him for the few seconds it would take to say my goodbyes would have had me wanting something more than I should.
So for the first time in my life, I’d run.
I’d taken the coward’s way out and I’d left a note…
a fucking note. And I hadn’t even had the balls to actually tell Tate I was sorry for what I’d done.
I’d gotten in my car and started driving and as the miles had flown by, I’d forced all thoughts of Tate from my mind and I’d done what I did best. I planned.
But a stranger showing up in the dead of night wasn’t part of my plan.
I had no reason to think it was anyone but a harmless tourist who’d gotten lost while looking for nearby Yellowstone National Park, but my years of tracking hardened, evil men had skewed my reality and I was always on the alert for any possibility.
Hell, truth be told, my faith in humanity had been fucked up from the moment I ran into my burning house and found my wife lying on the floor of our bedroom, her body covered in blood as flames had licked at her skin.
The car rattled to a stop about ten feet from me, but the glare from the security light above the garage made it impossible to see the driver’s face.
But the second the door tentatively opened and brown hair appeared, I knew who it was and my stomach dropped out.
My mouth went dry as Tate’s eyes connected with mine and I felt heat wash through my entire body before setting up camp in my gut.
Neither of us spoke after he closed the car door and for the life of me, I couldn’t break the connection we had just from staring at each other.
I still didn’t understand how I could suddenly be attracted to a man, but what I was struggling with even more was my level of attraction.
The idea of touching another man, tasting him, should have made me at least wary.
But the only messages my brain was sending me was how good Tate would feel in my arms, beneath me, surrounding me.
Tate’s eyes finally shifted to the rifle I had in my hand and I automatically pointed it towards the ground. I’d terrorized this man enough, even if my threats had been empty ones.