Chapter 10
TATE
The skin along the back of my neck was still tingling where Hawke had held on to me and it took me a moment to gather myself together enough to follow Hawke into the house.
I was still reeling from both his words and his touch, but the part that had me struggling to move forward was the way he’d looked at me…
if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought he had been feeling the same pull of desire that I was.
From the moment I’d read Hawke’s note, then re-read it, I’d obsessed over what to do next.
He’d given me exactly what I’d wanted – freedom.
But he’d given me much more than that. And it wasn’t just the money for Matty’s care.
No, he’d given me something nearly as valuable. He’d given me people to lean on.
I hadn’t really put much of my faith into Ronan and Seth sticking around as Matty’s treatment continued, especially since Matty’s young age meant he only had so much patience before he had one of his meltdowns.
But in the ten days since Matty had been admitted, neither man had wavered in their commitment to supporting both of us and I’d finally realized they weren’t doing it out of some obligation towards Hawke.
They were doing it simply because they were both good men and because they genuinely cared about Matty…
and me. It was a hard adjustment for me, having friends, and I was sure I’d shown my initial mistrust early on when I’d staunchly refused to stay away from the hospital for more than an hour or two.
But neither Ronan nor Seth had ever seemed offended by my overprotectiveness.
I’d also had a chance to talk to both men in turn and while they’d never probed me about my past, they’d been open about their own struggles to find each other.
I’d felt an immediate kinship with Seth because of our close proximity in age, but it was Ronan’s past that I’d understood more.
His own childhood had been bleak and he’d admitted that he really hadn’t understood what it had meant to be a part of a family until he’d met and started dating Seth’s older brother, Trace.
He’d lost that for a while after Trace’s death, but he hadn’t needed to say the words for me to know that he’d definitely found it again with Seth.
And I’d finally understood what Ronan had meant when he’d said that he and Seth knew me, that they’d once been me.
It had given me hope that maybe I could one day have what they’d had.
I’d also felt a sliver of hope take root deep inside me that when all this was over, when Matty was better, he and I might have found our own little version of a family.
But none of it would have happened if Hawke hadn’t stormed his way into our lives.
He’d bullied, threatened and terrorized me, but he’d never actually hurt me and I did believe what Ronan had said about Hawke not going through with his threats to give my DNA to the police.
I couldn’t say why I’d believed that, but somewhere along the way I had.
Maybe it was the little things he’d done for me and for Matty.
Making sure I ate, buying Matty ice cream and letting him play at the park after spending hours in the car.
And then the damn note.
I’d known within minutes of reading it over and over again that I couldn’t leave things that way.
Even if by some miracle I could have found a way to pay him back for what he’d done, it wasn’t money that he needed from me.
He’d given me my son and possibly even a new unofficial family…
things I couldn’t give back to him. But I could help him find peace.
I could help him ease some of the torment of losing his wife and child .
The decision to leave Matty hadn’t been easy, not because I didn’t trust Ronan or Seth because I absolutely did – no, the decision had been one of the hardest in my life because for the past two years everything in my life had been about what was best for Matty.
And if my little boy hadn’t been as strong and as brave as he was, I wouldn’t have been able to walk out of that room, his beloved Spiderman doll clutched between my fingers.
But any doubts I’d had about my choice had fled the moment the night nurse had told me about Hawke’s nighttime visits.
I’d wanted to ask her more, like what had he done when he visited, how long had he stayed, had he really been there each night?
But I hadn’t had enough time since I’d had a flight to catch.
Ronan had taken care of all the travel arrangements for me and had even bought me a cell phone so that I would be able to stay in constant contact with them.
My brain was overwhelmed by the sheer number of dollars that I was accruing in unofficial debt, but I’d tried not to focus on that as I’d driven the rental car over the numerous mountain passes that were still covered with snow despite it being spring.
The GPS on the phone had gotten me to Hawke’s house which I was supremely grateful for, since it was so dark when I’d arrived that I never would have found it based on written directions alone.
I hadn’t been able to make much out about the property other than there seemed to be no immediate neighbors based on the lack of any other kind of light besides the single lamppost next to what I’d finally realized was the garage as I’d gotten closer.
The garage with an older model blue pick-up truck in front of it.
And Hawke.
As I made my way up the path towards the house, lights inside started turning on.
It was too dark to make out the outside of the house other than it appeared to be an older farmhouse with two stories.
There was a porch running the length of the front of the house and I couldn’t help but notice the faded rocking chairs sitting off to one side.
Two chairs.
I let myself in through the screen door and tried to get my bearings since Hawke had disappeared.
The first thing I noticed about the house was the smell…
not bad exactly, just stale. Like it had been a while since it had been opened up long enough to let fresh air in.
The second thing I noticed was a very fine layer of dust on the furnishings just inside the door.
“Here,” Hawke said as he came around the corner and held out a bottle of water.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I don’t have much to eat, but I can take something out of the freezer-”
“No,” I responded quickly. “I ate at the airport.”
Hawke nodded and I felt a shiver crawl up my spine as his eyes swept my entire body.
If I’d known for a fact that he was gay, my insides would have been doing a happy dance at his obvious interest. I knew it was possible he was bisexual, but I didn’t want to risk pissing him off if I was wrong and did or said something that set him off.
“Let me show you around,” he finally said. He didn’t speak as he gave me the tour of the lower floor so I focused my attention on the small details I managed to pick up as we strode through the house at an almost unnaturally fast clip.
The furniture, what little of it there was, looked brand new, though the décor, like the wallpaper and fixtures, looked like they were from the seventies.
The bigger pieces of furniture were still wrapped in plastic except for one chair.
There also weren’t any pictures save a small one, right above the fireplace in the middle of the mantel.
I couldn’t make out much from the picture other than to tell the guy was Hawke and he had his arms wrapped around a pretty blonde woman, presumably his wife.
The kitchen was devoid of any kind of appliances on the counter except for a small coffee machine and the mismatched larger appliances also looked like they were decades old. There was no table in the small nook that likely would have served as an eating area.
“The bedroom’s upstairs if you want to crash for a while.”
Hawke’s voice caught me off guard because he’d been so quiet the rest of the time. “Um, yeah, I’d love to get a couple hours sleep.”
“Is your bag in your car?”
I nodded and before I knew it, he was handing me his bottle of water.
We were back by the front door and as I waited for him to return, I glanced back at the picture on the mantle in the living room.
There was a TV in the room but the single armchair that wasn’t wrapped in plastic wasn’t pointed at the TV.
It was facing the fireplace and the picture above it.
I ripped my eyes from the curious arrangement when I heard the screen door open.
Hawke barely looked at me as he carried my bag past me and up the stairs.
I followed him to the second floor, but he didn’t give me a tour.
There were several closed doors that we passed until we reached the room at the end of the hallway.
“It’s the only one with a big mattress,” Hawke murmured as he led me inside the sparsely furnished room.
There was a bed but no headboard and the bedding included a simple comforter and two pillows. A dresser and nightstand were the only other pieces of furniture in the room.
“Is this your room?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Hawke said as he went to put my bag on the bed. “I wasn’t expecting company,” he said as he tried to straighten the comforter.
“It’s fine,” I said quickly, though the idea of sleeping in the man’s bed sent a ridiculous thrill through me. “But I can’t just take your bed,” I added.
“I don’t need it tonight,” Hawke responded and then he was brushing past me, grabbing his water as he went.
“Where will you sleep?”
“I’ll be in the living room,” was all he said.
“Hawke,” I called before he completely left the room.
He stilled but didn’t respond. It was like he didn’t even want to look at me. I definitely hadn’t been right about him looking at me the same way I looked at him.
“You won’t leave, right?” I asked.