Chapter 11
HAWKE
“Can you pull over at the next rest stop?”
The sound of Tate’s quiet, wary voice jerked me from my daze and I glanced at him, but immediately regretted it because another round of shame flooded my entire system followed by a hearty bout of desire as I remembered the feel of his tight body surrounding me in unfathomable heat.
“Yeah,” I murmured and forced my eyes back to the road.
We’d only been on the road for a couple of hours, but it was more words than we’d spoken to each other from the moment we’d both woken up when the alarm clock on my phone had gone off.
Of course, I hadn’t actually been asleep.
In fact, I hadn’t been able to find even a few minutes of solace in the darkness of sleep last night after Tate had turned the lights off.
I’d fucked another guy.
I’d betrayed my wife.
I’d hurt Tate.
Under other circumstances, I probably could have dealt with the first one, but I was too caught up in the second and third to even contemplate what the whole thing meant in terms of my sexuality.
Something inside of me had snapped when I’d seen Tate holding Revay’s picture.
I’d spent the entire day fighting my growing need for Tate as he’d sat quietly next to me in the car and in that moment, it had all come back in a rush along with a heavy dose of guilt and I’d turned my combined sexual frustration and emotional anguish on Tate.
And instead of shoving me away, he’d let me in.
I’d already jerked off in the shower to visions of Tate bent over in front of me, but my already half-hard dick had swelled to painful proportions when I’d seen the permission in Tate’s gaze and I’d known that nothing would stop me from taking what he’d been offering. I’d had no control after that.
Absolutely none.
Not even enough to try to find something to use as makeshift lube.
My mind had been screaming at me that using spit to ease my entry into Tate’s body wouldn’t work, but I hadn’t cared.
My need had been too great and once Tate’s body had engulfed my aching flesh, I’d been a goner and it had been sheer force of will that had given me the strength to stop when the shame of what I’d done had hit me.
And then Tate had looked at me and he’d known what I was going through.
One nod granting me permission and I’d unleased everything I had on him and had rutted into him like an animal.
And he hadn’t uttered even a single protest.
Revay and I had tried anal sex once early on in our relationship, but it wasn’t something she’d enjoyed and I’d known it had been uncomfortable for her even with generous amounts of lube.
So I had no doubt how much pain my actions had inflicted on Tate.
And even if I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have been able to miss the stiffness in Tate’s gait this morning as he’d gotten ready to go.
The only good thing, if there could be such a thing, was that I’d been so consumed with lust that I’d come within less than a minute and a dozen strokes.
Without a condom.
And it had been the most explosive orgasm I could ever remember having.
So not only had I betrayed my wife, the sex had exceeded what I’d had with the woman who’d been my entire world.
I hadn’t been able to stay away from Tate when he’d gotten off the bed to go to the bathroom.
All I’d wanted to do was curl into a ball and drown myself in memories of Revay, but my guilt had been a living thing and I’d forced myself to get up and follow him to make sure he was okay.
He hadn’t noticed when I’d opened the door and I’d stood there in stunned silence as I’d watched Tate run his fingers over the bruises on his hips where I’d gripped him to keep him from moving away from me.
And then he’d looked at me and I’d felt the invisible pull between us that I’d been feeling from the day I’d met him.
Everything had floated away in that moment and it had been just me and him, both hurting, both needing something we could only find in each other.
So I’d made love to him. Afterwards, I’d wanted to deny that that was what we’d done, but I couldn’t make any other words fit.
It hadn’t been as simple as making out or getting each other off, and it hadn’t been anything like what I’d done to him on the bed because that had been pure, raw fucking.
No, it had been more than that. It had been about exploring his body, understanding every line, plane and curve.
Feeling every texture, tasting the unique flavors of his mouth, his skin.
Hearing every sound he made, the way he begged, the desperation, the way my name sounded when it fell from his lips.
My plan had been to have that moment only be about Tate’s needs, but when he’d struggled to find his own orgasm, I’d needed more. I’d needed to share it with him, so I’d taken us both in hand and for the third time in less than an hour, I’d come again.
It had been fucking perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Because the memories had rolled over me like a tidal wave. My beautiful wife, my son, the future I should have had. All of it stolen away by the father and brother of the man who’d just shattered my entire world with three little words.
It’s okay, Hawke.
Three little words that had given me permission to let go of the past for a few minutes, to feel things I’d never expected to feel again…
“Hawke, it’s this exit. ”
“Huh?” I managed to say as Tate ripped me from my thoughts for the second time.
“The rest stop,” Tate said quickly.
I managed to jerk the truck to the right before I completely passed the exit and I saw Tate grab onto the armrest as the truck swerved sharply. “Sorry,” I muttered as I maneuvered the pickup to a stop in front of the nearly deserted building that housed the bathrooms.
Tate got out of the car before I even put it in park, but instead of heading towards the building, he started walking in the opposite direction.
Concerned, I got out and followed him. He stopped by some picnic benches under a large tree and climbed up on one so that he was sitting on the tabletop.
I stopped in front of him, but didn’t speak because I could see from the agitation on his face that there was something he needed to say.
I steeled myself for the angry words I knew were coming.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t do this,” Tate murmured as he rubbed his hands together and tapped his foot on the bench. “But I’m fucking scared to death, Hawke.”
His words caught me off guard, but he continued before I could say anything.
“I know you’re messed up about what happened last night, but, please, I need you to be with me one hundred percent before we get to Lulling,” Tate whispered. “Because more than anything right now, I need to know that I’m going home to my son when this is all over.”
God, I was a complete shit.
I mulled over the best words to say as I sat down next to Tate.
He was right of course. The events of the night before were a huge distraction for me, but not enough that I wouldn’t have been aware of any danger we were in and I had no doubt that the second we rolled into Lulling, I’d be on full alert.
But Tate wouldn’t have known any of that.
He’d risked so much to help me and I couldn’t even get myself together long enough to reassure him that I would keep him safe.
Although I’d told myself the night before as I lay sleepless in my bed that I wouldn’t touch Tate again, I did just that and put my hand on the back of his neck. I waited until he finally looked at me before speaking. “I’m with you, Tate. One hundred percent. You are going home to Matty.”
Tate let out a small breath and nodded and I resisted the urge to pull him into my arms. I hadn’t really considered what he was going through as he was forced to face a past that clearly had been hard for him.
The few things he’d said about Buck and Denny along with the signs I’d seen that he’d been physically abused were likely just the tip of the iceberg.
Not to mention the fact that he’d taken Matty with him when he’d run…
I hadn’t wanted to know more of Tate’s story when I’d blackmailed him into helping me, because I wouldn’t have been able to even voice the threat.
But now?
Now I wanted to know. I wanted to understand everything that made this man tick. I wanted to know how someone who’d been raised by a monster like Buck had turned out to be so sweet and giving and so fucking strong.
“Will you tell me about the night you left?” I asked as I forced myself to release my hold on Tate’s neck.
“I didn’t leave, I ran,” Tate said with a slight laugh that held no humor whatsoever. He looked around the quiet rest stop. There were no other cars and the only sound besides the wind blowing through the leaves above us was the din of the Interstate traffic.
“I’d been saving up for almost a year,” Tate said. “I knew I’d need at least a few thousand in the bank to pay for a bus ticket and to get an apartment in the city – I’d figured someplace like Dallas would be a good place to start over.”
Tate had started rocking his upper body back and forth slightly as he spoke. “I worked at a dry cleaning store so I planned to leave on the day I got paid. I cashed my paycheck on the way home – it was only a few hundred dollars but it felt like a million since it was buying me my freedom.”
“How old were you?” I interrupted.
“Twenty-two,” Tate said. “I’d made plans to leave that night.
Denny usually passed out after spending most of the night getting high and Buck spent most Friday nights with whatever woman he was fucking at the time.
My plan was to go home, lay low until things were quiet and then grab my shit and go. ”
“It didn’t happen that way.”
Tate laughed and shook his head. “Not even close. Buck wasn’t home when I got there, but Denny was. Only he wasn’t alone.”
“Matty,” I guessed.