38. Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Eight
L orcan chuckles, but there’s bitterness in the sound. “Of course, he did. And you, you couldn’t resist?”
I search his tense frame, contemplating which buttons will get me what I want. “Couldn’t resist him or the job?” I tilt my head at the end.
“I don’t want you here.”
“He does.”
“He can go fuck himself.”
“You better tell him that. ’Cause I’m staying.” I stare at him. “He wants me.” I flaunt the words. “I’ve already moved my stuff into his rooms.”
His jaw clenches, and his hands flex at his sides. “Why do you want to be here? We’re done. The job is done. Working for Finn is a death sentence.”
“I’ve beaten death before. I don’t like loose ends.” My words are a deliberate nudge.
Lorcan comes so close I feel surrounded by him. If he was anyone else, I’d be uncomfortable. He won’t hurt me though.
Rage spills out of him, straining against his control to say, “You cannot stay.”
“You fired me,” I say evenly. “That’s your choice. Finn asked me to work for him. That’s my choice.”
There’s anguish in his eyes when they connect with mine. His hands frame my face with a mixture of tenderness and frustration. “He’ll kill you, Kim.” He touches our foreheads together. “You can’t stay.”
“He won’t kill me.” Unless he remembers, and then I’m one breath away from a bullet in the head.
“There are things going on. Things you don’t understand. That he doesn’t know about. I—you can’t stay.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t.” He swallows and closes his eyes. “I won’t stand by and let him do as he pleases, putting you in danger because it amuses him.”
“Maybe you were right,” I whisper. “Maybe if he comes to care about me…”
Lorcan’s grip on me tightens, and then his fingers tug my ponytail loose. He buries his hands in my hair but keeps his forehead against mine.
“No,” he mutters.
“You don’t want me anymore, Lorcan. Why does it matter to you?”
“Bloody hell. It’s not that I don’t want you.” He presses his body closer, and I arch my back, seeking his heat, meeting his desire.
“Then what is it?”
“I can’t keep you safe anymore. The idea of anything happening to you because of me—” His eyes close, and his jaw tightens. “It’d ruin me. I can’t have you here.”
“The only person who gets to decide the direction of my life is me. Just me.”
“And you want to work for Finn.”
“No.”
One of his hands comes out of my hair and circles my waist. “What do you want?” His voice is gruff with an undisguised desire.
“You,” I breathe out. “Beside me, inside me, all around me.” I try to catch his gaze. “Always.”
“God help me.” His lips skim my temple as he breathes me in. His breath stirs the tendrils of my hair freed from my ponytail. “I tried. Remember I tried.”
“It was a valiant effort.”
His lips find mine, and I can’t help the moan which escapes me. It hasn’t been long since we touched, but the brief time where I wondered if it would ever happen again was devastating. Around my waist, his arm tightens, pulling me flush against him, every part of him hard against me.
Without breaking the kiss, he walks us backward to his room. When we get to the door, he pushes me against the wall, pressing his body against mine. He doesn’t look at the keypad as he inputs the code. The door buzzes, and he almost kicks it open, dragging me with him, shoving my jacket off, his motions hurried, frantic. His hands on the hem of my T-shirt jerk it over my head, and my hair falls in a heap around my shoulders. This frenzy is as though, like me, he can’t believe we’re doing this, and if we pause to consider the wisdom, we might change our minds.
Being with him again is foolish. I’m spinning deeper into this web with him. And it’s sticky, latching onto pieces of me I didn’t realize existed anymore. When my family disintegrated, part of me thought I’d be alone forever. To love is to risk. From the moment Lorcan opened his mouth at that benefit, I’ve been sliding downhill without any brakes. Do I want them? Would I use them? So much of what’s happening between us feels almost destined, as though he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.
His lips find my ear, and he’s murmuring things that would make other women blush as we discard clothing in a rush. Once we’re on the bed, the sensation of his body against mine is intoxicating. Will I ever get tired of this? Of him? Is it possible to feel too much for someone?
With my back arched, I mold myself to him, needing to experience every inch of him against me, flush with my skin.
“I missed you. I missed this,” he rasps against my neck. Something in his voice bumps up against a memory. The tone, the pitch, but I can’t quite catch it. For a moment, my brain forgets where I am, trying to snatch the fragment of memory peeking out at me.
“You okay?” He eases away and smooths my hair off my face.
It amazes me he caught the subtle change in my mood. He’s come to read me so well. His gaze bores into mine, and I give a half smile. “Déjà vu.”
One side of his lips quirk up, and his dimple appears. We stare into each other’s eyes, and I rub my thumb along his dimple as he starts to move against me.
“I was that good in another life?”
A smile touches my lips. “I guess so.”
“I like the sound of that.”
I clutch onto his back and try to shut off my brain. It wasn’t déjà vu, but I’m not sure what it was.
Lorcan’s hand skims along my side, leaving goose bumps in its path. With his other hand, he brings the sheets up higher to cover me.
“Finn told me going to work for him would win you around.”
Lorcan stills, and then his hand resumes its leisurely exploration. “Did he?”
“He said you come around to his way of thinking, eventually.”
While I wait for his response, I listen to Lorcan’s even breathing. I almost think he’s fallen asleep when he says, “I suppose that’s been true in the past.”
“I know about the mechanic. Have you ever killed anyone else for Finn?” I’m not sure I want this answer, but I have to ask.
Lorcan sighs. “I might have done. Does it matter?”
A tense silence settles over us. I should dig further, push deeper. I may not like what I find. “I went to talk to Antonio’s ex-wife today.”
“Ah, I see. That was kind of you.”
“Do you think?”
“She’s not the easiest woman.”
“Women are supposed to be easy?”
“I plead the Fifth.” He secures me tighter against his side, as though he’s worried I might try to slip away. “I don’t need easy. Reasonable will do.”
I laugh. “I notice you didn’t say logical.”
“There isn’t much logic in what we’re doing right now.” His other hand brushes the hair off my shoulders, making it fall against the pillow. “Feeling the way I do about you, in the situation we’re in—it’s dangerous. That people realize I care is doubly so.”
“Finn would use me against you?”
“In a heartbeat. As would others.”
Silence sits between us for a few beats while my thoughts return to Josafina. “She said she was sad about Antonio, but also relieved.”
“Relieved?”
“The family policy.”
Lorcan sighs. “Finn’s policy.”
“You don’t share his penchant for killing an entire family?”
He shifts on his side, and I face him. “That surprises you?”
“No,” I whisper. “She also said Finn can be persuasive.”
His knuckles trail across my cheekbone. “He can be. Doesn’t mean I can be persuaded to do something I don’t believe in. I wasn’t lying when I said I needed the violence to be justified. I might look like my father, but Finn’s the one who inherited his heart, his ability to flip the humanity switch. I’ve never figured that part out.”
“Never? You’ve never killed someone who didn’t deserve to die?”
“Who knows?” His thumb strokes my cheek. “Not intentionally. Sometimes I even managed to talk Finn and my father around. Rare, that was, though. Like piranhas at the hint of blood.”
“They didn’t give you a hard time about that?”
“I learned early to pick my battles. They both loved me in their own way.” He scans my face over and over. A smile plays at the edges of his lips. “I don’t know what brought you to me. Destiny, maybe. Do you believe in that?”
Did I? If I believed he and I were fated to meet, doesn’t it also mean my father and brother were fated to die?
“No,” I murmur. “We make our own luck, our own opportunities. And we make our own failures.”
He grins. “I shoulda known.”
“I want to prove Finn killed your father.”
Lorcan’s grin fades. “What kind of luck do you think that’ll bring you?”
“Closure,” I say. “For you.”
He rotates onto his back and looks at the ceiling. “Then what? I drag you into a war with my brother.”
“Or maybe we walk away. Do you even want this, Lorcan?”
He faces me. “We’d both become celebrity bodyguards, saving the honor and modesty of countless starlets?” His tone is teasing, despite the seriousness of my request.
“We could, or maybe become whatever we wanted, together.”
“I like that last bit. The first bit? I’m not sure it’s possible. I’ve done things. A lot of those things make me a liability for you. You’re good. I’m—I don’t know what I am. But I don’t think I’m good. The man I am when I’m with you—I like him. I like him a lot.” He chuckles and gives me a sidelong glance. “You think I’m better than I am. I wanna be that man, the one you see.”
For a time, we lie together in silence, looking at each other. I don’t know if a future is possible. But I don’t want him to approach this situation as though he’s trapped, doomed to stay in this life. If I can turn him, maybe the FBI will go easy on him. “What if we can prove your brother killed your father? What then?”
“I had a plan, but it got shot to hell. Quite literally.”
“Is it salvageable?”
His face turns serious, and he is focused over my shoulder at the wall. “I don’t know.”
He might not, but I do. “I think we should act like it’s still possible, like that plan is still viable. Then, we can adjust.”
On his back, he rubs his hands across his face. “You don’t even know what the plan was. Truth is, I’m not even sure I can trust those people to keep their word.”
We’re dancing around the edges of what we’re not telling each other. If I keep going with this, I’ll say something I shouldn’t. “You’ve been keeping me from the Russians. Why?”
“They’re the one organization in Boston who isn’t afraid of Finn. Not even a little bit. It’s why I was in discussions with them initially without Finn. Going to them is tricky.”
“Could they have killed your father? I mean, if they’re not afraid of any of you.”
“Possibly. Doubtful. But possible.” His head falls to the side, so our gazes connect. “Semyon’s not very well going to admit it, is he?”
“I read people pretty well. Take me with you to visit him.”
Lorcan sighs. “You enjoy inserting yourself in the most dangerous situations.”
“Occupational hazard.” I give him a small smile.
He plays with my hair in silence. “All right. I’ll organize a meeting. It might take a few days. You cannot tell anyone we’re going. You understand me? It’ll be you and me, no one else.”
Easing myself up his body, I kiss his jaw. “Whatever will we do while we wait?”
Lorcan chuckles and tugs me under him as his lips trail kisses along my body. “I’ve got more than enough ideas to keep us busy.”
I’ve never been good at waiting. Especially knowing Finn’s mind ticks, one lit fuse of memory away from blowing everything sky-high.