44. Chapter Forty-Four
I awake to the steady beeping of machines and the hum of a hospital. I haven’t been hospitalized for a few years, but I’d recognize the sounds anywhere. And the smell. Antiseptic. Enough to sour my stomach on a good day.
It takes a moment for me to remember why I’m here, what happened. The room is empty of any visitors. Lorcan . Last time I saw him, he looked like he was bleeding out. A bubble of panic forms in my chest. I fumble for the call button and hit it before I lose my nerve. Closing my eyes, I wait for the whoosh of the door opening. Please let him be okay.
“Ah, you’re awake.” Dai Qing smiles at me as she makes her way to my bed. Behind her, a nurse comes bustling in.
She checks my equipment and then leans on the bedrail. “How are you feeling?”
“Lorcan?” I shift my focus between the nurse and Dai Qing.
“Alive,” Dai Qing confirms with a small smile. “He was even more riddled than you. It’s a miracle he survived. The doctors said he’s a fighter.”
“Are the meds managing your pain?” the nurse asks.
“Is he going to be okay? Really okay?” I try to read Dai Qing. Survival sometimes doesn’t mean what we want it to mean.
“He woke up an hour ago. Started asking for you.” Dai Qing raises her eyebrows. “That answer your question?”
Tension whooshes out of me, and I relax into the bed. Taking a deep, calming breath, I say, “Yes. Perfectly.”
“Hit the call button if you need anything.” The nurse checks my IV again before opening the door then vanishing into the hallway.
Dai Qing drags a chair up to my bedside and watches me in silence.
“You’re not going to say anything else?” I ask.
“What would you like me to say?”
“What’s going to happen to Lorcan?”
“He’s cooperating with us.”
I squirm in the bed and groan. “Where the hell did I get shot?”
“Where didn’t you get shot?” She gives me a strained smile. “The bullet to the chest was the worst.” She clears her throat. “You still had Malik as your next of kin, so I had to tell him what happened.”
“Oh, Jesus.” I can’t meet her gaze. “Is he—is he in the hospital?”
“Yes. Though I was pretty sure he was going to check himself out and fly to Boston when I called him.”
I rub my face, pressing my fingers into my eyebrows. “When I get out of here, I’ll need to talk to him.”
“It’ll be a race to see who can heal faster to confront the other. Sounds fun.”
I roll my eyes at the tone of her voice. “Did you want me to tell him about Lorcan when he was injured so badly?”
“No.” Dai Qing wrings her hands. “Part of me wishes there was no Lorcan for Malik’s sake, for the agency’s sake.”
Even without him, I’m not convinced I would have given Malik a fair chance. He was familiar, easy, and safe. Being with Lorcan will never be any of those things. “I can’t help how I feel.”
She sighs. “Ain’t that the truth.”
“I want to see him.”
“When we’re done extracting the information we think we can get, I’ll get one of you wheeled into the other.”
“Who’s with him?”
“Zahir.”
I frown. “He came here to talk to him?”
“He’s the person who offered him the original deal.”
“But Finn’s dead.”
Dai Qing shifts in her chair.
“Isn’t he? I saw Lorcan shoot him. And…” I search my memory. “Finn collapsed on the ground. I’m sure of it. He went down.”
“Yes, well, it seems in the chaos of the raid, we misplaced him.”
I stare at her for a moment. Only Dai Qing would say the FBI misplaced a skilled and very deadly mobster who would love to see me laid low. “You’re kidding me.”
“I’m afraid not. We’re trying to determine if Lorcan knew about his brother’s extraction plan.”
I purse my lips. “Finn’s not a planner. Not like that. He’s an opportunist.” I pick at the blanket lying across my waist. “And I… Lorcan didn’t know about the warehouse, about what Finn had planned.”
“You put your career—your life—on the line, and you didn’t trust him enough to take him with you?”
“That’s—that’s not it.” Frustration eats at me, and I shift in the bed again. Another groan escapes me. They need to give me the good drugs.
There’s a knock on the doorway, and Zahir is in the entrance, a tailored black suit clinging to his frame.
“You’re awake.” He wanders in, unbuttoning his jacket and pushing his hands into the pockets of his suit pants.
“How’s Lorcan?”
He shakes his head and laughs. “Lucky to be alive. Much like you. Why the hell did you go in there? You knew we were on the way.”
“Lorcan wasn’t supposed to be there.” It’s not the professional answer, and he might take me out of the field for good after this. Playing these kinds of games has never been my specialty. “When he went in looking for me, I was worried Finn would do something to him to get to me.”
He looks at me for an extra beat. “This whole assignment has fucked you up.”
“I won’t apologize for having feelings. For being human.” I lift my chin.
“I’m not asking for an apology from you. I’m trying to unravel how you got into this situation in the first place. Your file…” He glances at Dai Qing. “Anyone could have drawn the conclusion this assignment wasn’t good for you.”
“Yet no one did.”
“Dai Qing did, but it was too late by then.” Zahir moves closer to my bed and scans me. “I’ll get to the bottom of it, eventually. How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better.” All I can think about is seeing Lorcan.
“We’re not going to bring you back into the fold for a while. Counseling, psych evaluations, and so forth, while you get healed up.”
None of that appeals to me. Given everything that’s happened, everything I’ve learned over the last few months, it might not be the worst idea. Now, with Finn out there somewhere, I’m not even sure undercover work is possible for me again.
“Then what?”
“We’ve done our best to obscure details, plant false ideas about what went down at the warehouse. If we can track Finn, and you want to go back out on an assignment, we might be able to make it happen. I’m not promising anything. Every single piece would have to click into place for that to occur.”
“And Lorcan?”
Zahir’s mouth twists. “We’re in discussions about possibilities.” His dark gaze searches me for a moment. “Like last time I spoke to him, his primary concern is you.” He gives Dai Qing a pointed look before swinging his focus my way. “At least if you had to get yourself into such a mess, you did it for a man who seems to care about you just as deeply.”
An I told you so is on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it back. Warmth fills my chest at Zahir’s words.
Another knock on the door echoes through the room, and in the doorway is Fiona. She shuffles on her feet in a nervous manner I don’t remember seeing last time we crossed paths when Finn was in the hospital.
“Sorry to interrupt. Mr. Donaghey was wondering when exactly you’d be wheeling Kim to his private room?”
“Who are you?” Zahir raises his eyebrows.
“Fiona, sir. I’m Mr. Donaghey’s personal assistant.”
She doesn’t mention she only assists him and his family at the hospital.
He sighs. “Of course you are.” A wry smile touches his lips.
“It’s fewer resources if we only need to have guards for a single room.” Dai Qing moves to Zahir’s shoulder.
He raises an eyebrow at her and gives a small shake of his head. “You too?”
“She’s been through a lot, sir.” She adds, “And he did shoot his brother in an effort to protect her.”
Zahir sighs. “Get it done. I’ll see you both at Quantico when you’re well enough to travel, Kimi. Physically and mentally.” He points a finger at me before heading to the door.
Dai Qing waves Fiona over, and the two of them unlock my wheels and manage to take my equipment with me as well as rolling the bed. It’s impressive. My heartbeat accelerates as we glide along the hall. I don’t know what I’m going to find in Lorcan’s room. He’s well enough to talk to Zahir and order Fiona to come check on me. But Dai Qing also said he was lucky to be alive.
When we enter the room, his eyes snap open. One side of his lips quirks up in the way that makes my heart race for a different reason. The sight of him alive with a touch of humor in his eyes eases my soul.
“Right here,” he says to Fiona, motioning to the far side of his bed. “Make it as though it’s a big bed.”
She hesitates and glances at the door. “Sir, you’ve been severely injured, and I’m not sure—”
“If that sounded like a suggestion, I apologize.” He glances at me, and the humor is gone. “We almost died. I don’t give a shit how injured we are. We’re still here. Put the fucking bed right next to mine.”
“Yes, sir,” she mutters as she lowers a bedrail, pushes the beds together, and locks the wheels. She scurries out of the room while Lorcan and I watch her retreat in silence.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” I grasp his hand.
He searches my face, his expression difficult to read. “And I’m glad you are too.”
“You’re angry with me.”
“You’re fucking right I am.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you wake me? Tell me anything?”
I swallow the lump lodged in my throat. “They’re dead. My whole family. And…” I hold back the tears threatening to fall. “The idea you could be injured or killed, or you might have to kill Finn and never forgive me. I couldn’t. It wasn’t a risk I could take.”
“You went there alone.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t, though. The FBI was coming. I had to wait it out.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Because you went storming in there. I didn’t want him hurting you to flush me out.”
Lorcan stares at the ceiling for a moment before letting his head fall toward me. “We need to work on our communication. Dying while trying to save each other’s arses isn’t romantic in real life. It fucking hurts.”
A laugh escapes me, and his lips rise, revealing the dimple I love.
“My prize,” he murmurs, and I trace his cheek.
“What do we do now?” I whisper.
“Zahir’s given me a few options. Maybe you and I will try talking those out for once.” He winks at me. “Not all of them send me to jail, but I doubt you’ll like some of them, regardless.”
“Where do you think Finn’s gone?”
Lorcan’s smile fades. “I don’t know. Wherever he is, I’m sure he’s a hurting unit. I got off more than one shot.”
A brief surge of satisfaction floods my chest. I realize shooting his brother wasn’t easy for Lorcan, and carrying around this residual anger at Finn and the rest of the Donaghey organization isn’t going to help me or Lorcan in the long run. Even if Finn is out there dead somewhere, it wouldn’t make me happy. No matter how much I’ve wanted to hate him, there’s a part of me that understands the rage driving him. I’ve felt it for years.
It’s time to work on letting it go. Maybe Zahir is right. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”
Lorcan smooths my hair. “He’s had it coming for years. ’Tis not your fault.” His eyes lock with mine. “Doesn’t matter what happens from here as long as we’re in it together. You and me.”
“Do you think that’s possible? You and me? I mean, really?”
“Yeah, I do. I think somewhere, someone thought we needed each other. We’ve crossed paths too many times for it to be a coincidence. So I don’t care what deal I have to make or what concessions I have to give Zahir. You’re my a chroi . If there’s one thing I know I can’t live without, it’s that.”
It is true. Without the heartache I’ve suffered, I wouldn’t have this with him. It’s a bittersweet pill. Everything I’ve lost, everything I’ve gained.
“God, when did you get so good with words?” My eyes fill with tears.
He waggles his eyebrows at me. “These lips.” He points to them. “Can do amazing things.” Reaching out an arm, he helps me snuggle closer. “And as soon as we’re healed up, I’m going to put them to much better use.”
“I like the sound of that,” I say as my eyelids grow heavy. Pressed up against his chest, I drift to sleep to the sound of his steady, familiar heartbeat.