Chapter 15 Carli #2
‘It’s a useful phrase,’ Niall agreed. ‘There’s a lot of them about this place.
I say “give it a birl” to the kids cause it’s like “give it a burl” in Aussie, and they tell me I’ve got it wrong, then I tell them burl is birl in Scottish and means whirl or spin.
So they get a wee education and forget that they are in a bad mood or whatever.
’ Niall crouched down to hammer in the pegs on the near side of the tent.
And that’s when Carli saw it. Her heart pummelled the inside of her ribcage as if laying eyes on it for the first time.
The tattoo on his left lower back.
Just one word.
Cass.
Carli’s mouth turned as dry as the sand on Kinshore beach.
She’d known Niall had the tattoo; she’d been with him when he got it done.
A trip to Glasgow, wandering through gloomy, rain-soaked alleyways to hunt down a tattoo artist who didn’t ask for ID.
Then Niall got the name only he called her tattooed on his lower back.
And it had taken so long that she hadn’t had time to get hers done.
But he had his – still. That threw her across to the other side of the loch.
I don’t think our love is strong enough to withstand this distance thing. I don’t know what our love is anymore. If it’s even love.
Why keep it if those were his feelings?
Somehow, mentioning the tattoo now seemed wrong. Like she’d seen something she shouldn’t. But what did it mean that he still had it?
Maybe he never got round to getting rid of it. And it’s expensive to get these things lasered off. Were you worth that money when it was easier to not think of you? It’s on his back after all.
But seeing it again – seeing it still there – Carli’s heart was billowing and expanding through her whole chest. Questions batted around her mind. What if the reason he still had it wasn’t anything she’d considered? What if he didn’t want to get rid of it?
No.
You could ask him.
No. I couldn’t. It feels like an invasion of privacy that I’ve seen it at all.
So Carli sucked in a silent breath and employed the full gamut of breathing and mind control techniques to calm her down and not give away to Niall what she had seen.
She held on as they cooked dinner together and filled in some of the gaps in their knowledge of each other: she learned that Niall had owned a dog for three years, until it got sick, passed away and broke him for months, that he lived in the suburb of Manly because the beachy village vibe reminded him of Kinshore and that he’d developed a bit of an obsession with Tim Tam biscuits and always had them in the office under the pretence that they were for the kids.
And she told him how she planned to train Glen as a therapy dog and take him into hospitals and schools to help sick or troubled kids, how her favourite thing to do on a Saturday morning was go for a decaf flat white and walk in the park with Glen and how she also worried that her life was so ordinary that she might be about to skip straight through her thirties into her forties. Niall had laughed at this.
After dinner, the whistle of the kettle cut into the air and Carli got two teabags out of the supplies bag.
‘Your tea’s black, right?’ she asked. ‘I mean, the answer has to be yes, since we don’t have any milk. Wait, you don’t like milk, do you?’
‘Well remembered.’ Niall took the mug Carli offered and sat back on his camping chair, angled towards hers.
As she sipped her own tea, Carli shivered.
‘You cold?’ Putting down his mug, Niall pulled off his hoodie and placed it in her lap. ‘Get that on you.’
‘It’s okay. I’ve got another sweater somewhere.’
‘Don’t search for it in the dark. Wear that.’
Pulling on Niall’s hoodie was like a warm, safe hug.
It smelled of him, all citrus, salty, manly and, quite frankly, of sex.
Wearing his clothes was a bad idea. She was letting her physical, instinctual attraction to him override so many other things.
Sure, they might be patching up some potholes, but Niall had a bridge he needed to rebuild and her heart did not have a licence to drive until that happened.
‘Your heid okay?’ He leaned over and tapped Carli’s beanie.
‘Mostly,’ she said. ‘Thanks for the hoodie. It’s so cosy.’
‘No bother.’ He stretched out his legs, bringing them closer to her own, but caught her noticing and apologised. ‘Sorry,’ he said, pulling them back under his chair.
‘It’s okay.’ It had been more than okay, a flashback to a time they had been so comfortable next to each other, their bodies fitting into one another’s.
Niall’s legs stretched out in maths class.
Carli leaning hers ever so slightly against his under the desk.
Subtle but the shared understanding as loud as the school bell. Did he remember that, too?
‘So, the tents are all good?’ she asked.
‘Aye, well mostly. Turns out mine doesn’t have a fly sheet. This is what you get when you borrow a tent from your brother. God knows how Sean can lose such a significant part of a tent, but he did.’
‘Ah, right. Does that mean…?’
‘Don’t worry,’ Niall said, reading Carli’s worries about where he might sleep, should it rain. ‘If it rains, I’ll sleep in the car. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
Whilst grateful for his reassurance, Carli wondered if she would mind if Niall had to sleep in her tent with her. What better way to enhance the Scottish camping experience than to top it off with a Scotsman? Maybe some no-strings fun.
Who the hell are you kidding? You cannot do no strings with this man. Under no circumstances do you attempt to do no strings with Niall Butler. None. Do you hear me?
Um, yes. Sorry for even thinking it. He’s just so… My body wants him. And that tattoo.
Carli Caselli! Do you want to get your heart destroyed again? He’d say yes and you’d fall for him, and it’d be tears at bedtime all over again.
‘Cass?’
‘Hmm, what?’ Carli had been dreaming and hadn’t heard what Niall had been saying.
‘I was asking if you wanted to go skinny dipping.’
‘What? Are you serious?’
Niall laughed. ‘I’m not serious. I was asking how your dad and sister are.’
‘Oh.’ Carli sat up in her chair and tried to pay more attention, again a throwback to school. ‘Well, Luci’s good. She’s married to a guy called Adam. We hang out all the time for coffee and dinner, and I’d be lost without her. She feels like my only family sometimes.’
‘In that case, maybe I shouldn’t have asked about your dad.’
Carli focused on the dark, angular outlines of the tents. Focusing on something inanimate when talking about her father seemed the right thing to do.
‘He’s okay,’ she said. ‘He got over his “grief” pretty quickly, married again within two years and rarely mentioned Mum again. His new wife is nice enough, and she’s made a genuine effort with me and Luci, so we go round for lunch from time to time.
But…’ She sounded less than enthused about her dad, but she wasn’t about to pretend he was the best dad in the world.
‘You’re lucky to have such a loving dad. ’
Niall elongated his leg again and tapped it against hers momentarily.
‘Aye,’ he said. ‘Scottish men of our dad’s generation aren’t known for their over-affectionate nature either, but I do know I was…
am loved, even if there were times growing up where I thought he had anything but my best interests at heart. ’
‘Your dad is a good guy. And for what it’s worth, you were never one of those Scottish men who don’t show their affection. They broke the mould a bit when they made you.’
Niall half swallowed back his laughter. ‘Um… thanks. There’s a few Aussie women wouldn’t agree with you, but I appreciate the sentiment.’
‘It’s not a sentiment. It’s my experience.’
‘Aye, well, I guess you and I were a bit different.’
‘From?’
‘From me and the others.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Cass, do you really want to talk about this? I know you’re asking, but really?’
Fair question. Why was she asking? Was it her curiosity pawing at the topic like a foolish cat, or was it confidence?
Was it that tattoo? Had a signature of permanent ink on Niall’s left hip lent her the confidence to believe that no other woman had surpassed her in his life?
They had been each other’s first. That could never be lasered off.
But things you did aged sixteen didn’t always stay with you for the right reasons.
‘Tell me about the others,’ she said. She was curious about the landscape of Niall’s love life the past seventeen years.
He rubbed the heel of his hand down the arm of the chair.
‘I’m not going into detail about women, because it doesn’t feel right, but let’s say it’s been a rocky road with a fair few.
Turns out being in a relationship with me isn’t as awesome as it might look from the box.
And that’s almost a direct quote, by the way. ’
‘Gosh! She sounds lovely. But what do you mean? What’s wrong with being in a relationship with you? I enjoyed it. While it lasted.’
‘Like I said, we were different. A lot of women find me a pain in the arse to be with half the time.’
‘How so?’
‘Och, I dunno. I’m unpredictable?’
‘Exciting.’
Niall smiled a little.
‘I’m scatty.’
‘Cute.’
He bit his lip and eyed her through a narrowed gaze.
So cute.
‘I get lost in surfing and forget to turn up to dates.’
Carli laughed. ‘I remember that.’
‘Well, I’m glad you find it all so charming because none of them did.’
Carli reached over and touched his arm for a moment. ‘You’ve just described you. That’s the you I remember.’
He met her gaze. ‘It’s not the me they wanted.’
‘It’s the you I couldn’t forget.’
‘Fuck, Cass.’ He looked away, like her words hurt him.
‘Stop. You’re killing me here. You’d soon have grown sick of me if we’d been living together or something.
Being like that when you’re a kid is one thing.
Having to have your business partner constantly harangue you to do things when you’re meant to be running a company is another. ’
‘Okay, I’m sorry for glamourising the past. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not happy about the way things ended for us, and it never quite made sense. All I’m saying is, you’re not all bad and maybe those girls weren’t right for you.’
‘Oh, there’s no doubt about that.’
‘Or maybe you’re doing other things wrong.’
‘Like what?’ This got Niall’s attention.
‘I dunno.’ Carli feigned uncertainty. ‘Kissing. Sex.’ What was it about Niall? She couldn’t help but flirt with him.
‘Hey! Come on now.’ His voice was injected with sudden energy. ‘You always said I was a great kisser.’
‘Yeah.’ She drawled with nonchalance. He wasn’t wrong; Niall had been an astounding kisser, the kind of kisses you craved because they were so good, another thing that had never been surpassed by any other guy, not that she would tell him this quite yet.
‘But things change,’ she teased. ‘Maybe I was propping you up. Plus, you can’t root like a sixteen-year-old for the rest of your days. ’
Niall’s laughter echoed through the campsite. ‘I don’t root like a sixteen-year-old.’
‘How can you be sure?’
‘I dunno. Because I make an effort.’
‘Oh, you do?’
‘Aye, I do. I happen to have found this copy of The Joy of Sex in an op shop, and I keep it by my bedside and when women come over, I ask them what they’d like to try.’
Now Carli laughed hard from her belly. ‘You do not!’
‘Of course I bloody don’t. But I wasn’t lying about making an effort. It’s important that it’s not only me getting off. That’s one of a few things I put my all into.’
‘Okey dokey,’ she teased. ‘I’ll take your word for it.
’ Boy, did she want to take more than his word for it.
She was walking right into asking for evidence of this committed lover he professed to be, to start with one of those soft little pecks that were his prologue, then tenderly be swept into the passionate first chapter and have her heart and soul captivated entirely by the story of his kiss.
‘Niall,’ she said, when the atmosphere between them had settled a little. This might be a bad idea, but she wanted…needed physical connection with him again and had an inkling of what could be a safe way to go about it. A halfway house between awkward nothing and a kiss.
‘Aye?’ There was expectation tinged with uncertainty in his face.
‘Can I give you a hug?’