Chapter 16 Niall
Niall
Fuck, yes, Carli could give him a hug, even though it might end him. Niall was powerless to say no. Never in a million years would he say no to a hug from Carli. He needed this from her, and, honestly, only from her.
The smell of violets wrecked him before she’d even fully wrapped her arms around his back.
Sent his senses off radar. Then, even though Carli had slid her arms under his and was squeezing into his chest, because of the height and size difference between them, she was well and truly in his arms. Was it wrong to squeeze her back?
She was trying to comfort him, but he wanted to crush all those missed apologies into her bones.
Her head was tucked under his chin, the urge to kiss her hair dragging him down.
He pulled her that little bit closer, those small bones of hers inside his arms, inside his heart. Always had been. Always would be.
Don’t turn this wrong, Butler. Fucking keep it as it should be. A comfort hug from one friend to another.
It was the quietest hug he’d ever had, but the loudest, the most intense. Thoughts and feelings were darting around like spaghetti junction at night on time lapse.
Just hold her. Let her hold you.
Carli untucked herself from under his chin and gazed up at him.
‘None of those women get you,’ she said. ‘Not like I do.’
Niall froze, soaking her in. This incredible woman he’d had the amazing fortune to have in his life so early on.
He never wanted to let her go. It couldn’t be, though.
It couldn’t. He wouldn’t hurt her again.
There was too much unspoken and when she heard it, she wouldn’t be saying things like none of them know you like I do.
She’d be slapping him into next week. This hug had to be a platonic thing.
He began to thank Carli for being such a good friend.
And that was when she reached up onto the top of her toes and kissed him.
And of course, he bent to meet her. There wasn’t a world in which that would not be happening.
Carli was soft, like petals. Petals from some kind of flower.
Niall didn’t know a whole lot about flowers.
All he knew was that Carli Caselli was kissing him again.
After seventeen long years, the only woman he’d ever truly loved had her charged lips on his and was pushing her breasts to his chest and showing him quite how much she had changed from the girl he once adored.
Those breasts were larger, more womanly, her mouth hotter, the little moans coming from her throat turning him hard in a very adult way.
He kissed her back, full-bodied, hungry, their tongues meeting again with no questions about how this should go.
Everything clicked back into place. They were like lock and key.
Jesus. Cass. Niall held her face like it might disappear if he didn’t.
If she were to pull away now, he might blurt out that he could never lose her again.
Losing Carli was only possible if you were a one hundred-carat eejit, and he never wanted to be that guy again. Never.
But he had to end it.
‘Sorry. Sorry.’ He stumbled back. ‘That might have been the dumbest thing to do.’
‘What?’ Carli seemed as dazed as him, possibly from the kiss, or from his words because they didn’t correspond with how mind blowing that had been.
‘I don’t deserve you, Cass.’
‘You didn’t like it?’
‘Are you kidding? It was fucking incredible.’
‘Let’s do it again then?’
In a vain attempt to gain some control over the situation, Niall shoved his hands into his pockets.
‘We’re meant to be friends. Friends don’t kiss like that.
Friends don’t kiss.’ These words sounded stupid, but they were all he had.
He had to protect her from him and all his fucked-up decisions, from being with a man who was trouble.
‘We were never just friends, Niall.’
‘Aye, but we need to be, don’t we? Too much baggage, it can never be, blah blah.’
‘Blah, blah. Good reason.’
He shrugged. ‘It’s all I’ve got.’ But it wasn’t all he had. Not by a long shot. He had so much more and now was the time to fess up. Tell her the truth. Take the chance that she might hate him forever, but knowing there was no other way of doing this.
‘Cass, I have to tell you something.’
‘Okay.’ She stepped back a little, guarded tension in her frame. Was she worried he would divulge that he had a girlfriend? If only it were that simple.
‘Sit down.’ Fear glazed her eyes, but she did as he asked and he sat next to her, unsure who was more terrified, the one about to deliver the blow or the one about to receive it.
Niall began to talk.
‘Remember when I wrote you that letter and said I didn’t know if we were strong enough to do distance or what our love was?’
‘Yep.’
‘And when I ignored your phone calls and told you it was best to forget me.’
‘Yep. I remember,’ Carli said, flatly.
‘Well, I didn’t mean a fucking word of it.
’ Niall was aware how pointless it was saying this now and wasn’t surprised at Carli’s deafening silence and the shifting flutters on her face of what he decided was fury.
‘It was my way of dealing with something so shameful I had no clue what else to do except pretend I didn’t care anymore. To protect you from me.’
The fire crackled and spat. Still, Carli said nothing, so Niall continued.
‘Loving you was never hard, Cass. Not when we were together and not when we were apart either. What was hard was liking myself and believing that I deserved you.’
Carli searched his face, as if looking for an answer as to where this was heading. ‘But we talked about this all the time,’ she said. ‘What changed in the time we were apart?’
‘Aye, when we were together it was fine because you were here. You’ve no idea how much you saved my life when you were seated next to me in maths that day.
Although it was a stay of execution. Fourth year was the best year of school because of you.
But fifth year, with you gone, was an absolute shiteshow. ’
‘Why? You never mentioned anything at the time.’
‘I didn’t want to tell you. Didn’t want you knowing how much things had gone down the toilet since you’d left.
All the teachers kept telling me I should be more grown-up now I was sixteen and doing my highers, but I couldn’t get it together at all, no matter how I tried.
I got Mr McInally, again, for maths and that was the worst. Dickhead telling me you’d been holding me up and the usual “you’re Archie Butler through and through” chat that boiled my blood, and how I needed a good woman to make anything of my life, but I’d be lucky if I could hold on to one. ’
‘Jesus! Niall. Did you not tell anyone? Teachers can’t go around speaking to kids like that.’
‘Nope. You have to understand it was all subtle bits of a package delivered piece by piece, lesson by lesson, and I didn’t have the confidence to go up against him.
I wasn’t keeping a diary of it all. If I’d gone to anyone, it would’ve been his word against mine.
Plus, the sad thing is, I kind of believed him. ’
‘Oh, Niall. The man was evil. What about the subjects you liked?’
‘Liking and being good at them is two different things. My head was mince. I was missing you, I couldn’t get it together, I was distracted in class, distracted at home.
Everyone thought I was “being a big huffy jessie” since you left, but it was more than that.
I can’t properly explain it, even now, but I got into fights and eventually they asked me to leave because I was a disruption. ’
‘I don’t get it.’ Carli seemed to be mentally calculating something. ‘Was this before or after we broke up?’
‘Before,’ Niall clarified, knowing how close they were getting to the dark of the matter. ‘It was before we broke up.’
‘But… I don’t… You didn’t…’
‘I didn’t tell you. And if I give you the full story now, you’ll understand why.’
‘Niall. Talk to me.’ Carli angled her chair closer to his. ‘Please. I need to understand.’
‘I will. But please understand how sorry I am for this. It was donkeys ago, but sitting here with you, it all takes on a new life again. I’m a big lad, but when it affected the one person I loved more than anything, it hits different.’
‘I get that, but I’m a big girl. I can take it, if that helps one side of the equation.’
‘Aye. We’ll see about that.’ Niall scrubbed the rough planes of his jaw.
It wasn’t even like he’d scrawled this in letters to her or practised telling her out loud.
He’d assumed it was unforgivable, and that was it.
And now it was time to go back in time to the crashing disaster that was his past and discover what that outcome would be.