Chapter 17
Felix
It’s been a week since everything went down at the Kitty Cat Club. Every single day, I watch the front door of Maggie’s, waiting for him to walk through it with that cocky swagger and dark circles under his eyes.
But he never does.
Tobias recommended a gentler approach, which is why I’m balancing a box of a dozen old-fashioned donuts on my lap while I peddle toward Torren’s shop.
Torren’s shop comes into view, and my heart starts to flutter.
I slow my bike down, hop off, and wheel it into the shop.
The garage doors are open, and I can see inside.
Torren’s under a car, no doubt doing something sexy as fuck like fixing it.
There’s nothing hotter than a man who knows how to fix shit with his hands.
My eyes land on a carburetor that’s lying on the ground, and when I exhale, I can see my breath. It’s not cold enough for that yet, and my breath looks unnaturally icy as I exhale.
This is meant to be. I’m not fucking crazy. Or maybe I am, and I’m hallucinating. Maybe I have paranoid schizophrenia?
Maybe I’m just dickmotized, and I’m looking for any reason possible to believe that Torren is part of my destiny.
Can’t think about that now.
Focus on the donuts and the reconciliation.
Gabriel is hovering nearby, handing Torren tools. I give a little whistle, and Gabriel looks up. The color leaves his face, and he starts slapping his hand against the car, to which Torren replies, “What the hell is it?”
I whistle again, and Torren finally slides out from under the car. He looks at Gabe, who points at me, and when Torren sees me standing in his shop, his mouth practically dislocates from his head and hits the floor.
Never one to miss a grand entrance, I ask, “Hey, handsome. Got a minute to check my undercarriage?”
Gabriel drops the wrench he’s holding, and it lands on Torren’s head.
“Ouch! Motherfucker! What the hell, Gabe?”
It takes everything I have not to bust a gut, but I keep my cool and just watch as Torren and Gabriel put on a comedy routine that could rival Abbott and Costello.
Gabe is rubbing Torren’s head, while Torren glares at him, cursing under his breath.
I make a show of clearing my throat, and Torren looks at me again with eyes the size of flying saucers. “Really? You had to witness that?” he laments. “Jesus Fuck. What is it?” he barks at me.
“Hey! Don’t talk to me like that! You didn’t say a word after that night, and that’s not okay! You treat me with some respect.”
Well, so much for my gentler approach.
Torren looks like a kicked puppy. His eyes are downcast, and that sad, hopeless expression reappears on his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” I try to explain. “I’m fine. I just- I want to talk to you.”
Torren shakes his head and says, “I don’t think that’s a good—”
“Here!” I interrupt and open the pink box I’m holding to reveal the donuts. “It’s called a ‘gentler approach.” Rather than antagonizing you, I’m offering the donuts I never give you.” I bat my lashes and add, “Please, talk to me.”
Torren’s mouth falls open again when he sees the donuts. He flashes a thousand-watt smile that I don’t think I’ve ever seen on him. “I’ve been missing those,” he admits sheepishly.
“I know.” Our eyes lock, and Torren’s face softens. The link between us, this invisible tug I’ve felt since the moment I saw him, tightens.
My body aches to wrap my arms around him and cradle him in my embrace. The only human affection I’ve experienced since Mom died is our collision at the Kitty Cat Club, and I am so touch-starved it hurts.
“Please,” I whisper.
That apparently does it, because I see the last of his resolve vanish. He gives me a little nod, then asks Gabriel, “Can you hold down the fort while we chat?”
Gabe, being the gem he is, gives Torren a thumbs up and me a great big smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring double chocolates, but people actually buy those,” I explain. I wanted to bring him something, but Torren’s dull-ass donuts were the only thing left by the time my shift ended.
Gabe waves his hand, then shoos the two of us off.
Torren rocks on his feet, rubbing his head. I can’t tell if it’s a nervous tic or if it’s still hurting from the wrench.
Probably both.
He awkwardly says, “Um…let’s go up to my place, and we’ll talk.”
“Lead the way,” I reply.
Torren
I march to the spiral staircase leading to my bedroom with Felix trailing behind. I thought, maybe, I could avoid Felix for the rest of my life, like the coward I am. But he sought me out, which means I have to push him away once and for all.
My cheeks glow red with embarrassment as I think about my room. It’s littered with beer cans, and the blackout curtains create an eerie effect.
As if I’m not scary enough.
Once I reach the top of the stairs, I flip the switch for the overhead light, revealing the shit show that is my life. I move to the side, allowing him to enter and say, “Well, here it is. In all its glory.”
Felix looks around.
My OCD usually requires that I straighten up the mess every morning, but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. The filth matches my soul.
Felix scans the room, and I await his verdict, convinced he’ll dart for his bicycle and never look back. However, instead of running away, Felix points to the cans on the floor and says, “Please tell me you recycle.”
Despite having had one hell of a life, Felix seems to have a way of rendering me speechless almost every time we come in contact with one another. I stand there, trying to remember how to speak English, and finally reply, “Yeah, one flight below is the kitchenette. I’ve got a bin there.”
“Good,” he says as he walks to the bed and takes a seat. “So, let’s talk.”
There’s no avoiding it. I know Felix and I have had many tense moments, but I didn’t want to be cruel to him ever again after what I did at the club.
But I have to. I have to be so vile that he walks away and never looks back.
Hurting Felix will crush me, but it must be done.
For him.
I stare at him on the bed, and it dawns on me how much I love seeing him there. The walls begin closing in on me, and I start having a hard time breathing.
I cough while pulling on my collar, and Felix jumps to his feet and closes the distance between us. “Are you alright?” he asks. “Can I get you some water?”
He rushes into the bathroom and fills the glass by the sink. He navigates the space effortlessly; it’s like he’s totally at ease in this nightmare I call my life. Felix hands me the glass, and I take a sip.
I can’t. I can’t do this.
Looking at Felix is still too hard, so I close my eyes and take another sip of the water. When I open my eyes again, I see him standing before me, clearly concerned.
Don’t. Please don’t care about me.
It’s time. I know this will hurt Felix, but it has to be done.
I have to keep reminding myself, or I won’t go through with it.
My mouth opens—
But nothing comes out. The words are caught in my throat because I know, once I say them, there’s no taking them back.
And, for a moment, I almost don’t say them.
Do it for him—his safety.
I breathe in through my nose and blurt out everything I need to say so that I don’t stop mid-speech.
“Felix, I’m sorry I did what I did. I’d do anything to go back in time and never meet you at Maggie’s.
I’d do anything to prevent you from knowing who I am, because it’s dangerous knowing me.
I’m not good for anyone, which is why I can’t see you anymore.
I want you to stop coming here. You have to stop this stalking thing. I want you to leave me alone. Got it?”
Felix stares at me with an unreadable expression. He looks at the beer cans, then his eyes slowly trail up to meet mine. “Why are those there?” he asks while motioning to the cans.
My hackles rise, and the impulse to defend myself is palpable. Why the hell would he ask about the beer cans after what I just told him? “Because I drank them.”
“Why?” he presses on.
“Because I like to get drunk, Felix.”
“Because you like being drunk, or because you need to run away from your feelings?”
WHAT? My hands clench at my sides, the blood rising to my face. “Don’t act like you know me, Felix. You don’t know a damn thing about me.”
“Because you won’t let me know you! You won’t let me in, no matter what I do to get close.
” Felix rises from the bed, walks over to the cans, and kicks them.
“Torren, I know you feel something for me. I know this isn’t one-sided, but you’re running away.
No, you’re pushing me away because you don’t want to admit you feel something. Because you’re scared.”
“Yes, I am scared! I’m scared I’ll hurt you, Felix, because I did! And I’ll hurt you again. Your face was blue by the time I was done with you, and you were bleeding. I shouldn’t be around anyone, let alone you.”
“Those things didn’t hurt nearly as much as you leaving me alone that night. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to help—”
“You can’t help me—”
“Yes, I can!”
“NO, YOU CAN’T!” I rush toward him, my hands finding the sides of his arms and shaking him as I scream. “Listen to me, Felix. Nobody can help me. I’m a freak. A monster, and you should be dating some Private Equity guy who’s going to be rich and powerful and give you whatever you want.”
Felix jerks my arms away and points his finger at me while he speaks. “I don’t want that! I want something real—deeper.”
“I can’t give that to you!”
“But how do you know?” There’s still fire inside him. He won’t quit, and I choose to ignore the way it makes my heart swell.
“Because I know me! I know what I can give to someone else, and it’s not what you need. And even if I could, I’d never give that to you, Felix.”
My heart sinks. Fuck, it hurts.
Felix’s face—
It just…breaks.
And I did that.
I force myself not to take it back. Not to fix it.
This is what he needs.
“You don’t mean that,” he replies with a shaky voice.
“I mean it. I don’t have a heart, Felix. I don’t caress, I destroy, and I can’t have the Mayor of Belmont on my ass when I hurt you. You’re nothing but another twink I’ll leave lying on the floor of the Kitty Cat Club. I’m not whatever little fucking fantasy you’ve convinced yourself I am.”
I step to the can of beers and grab one off the floor. Anything to keep from standing still. The words coming out of my mouth make me sick—
But I don’t stop.
I get a can and wave it right in his face. “I’m this.” I motion to the space surrounding us. “And this shop. All I need is my shop, a beer, and my bike. You need to grow the fuck up and realize that you’re nothing to me. I don’t care about you and never will.”
A single tear falls down his cheek.
My hand shakes, already lifting to wipe it away—to take it all back.
I force it back to my side.
“Leave, Felix. Leave me alone and don’t ever come back here.”
Felix stands there. Motionless. He quickly wipes the tear away and whispers, “Sorry I bothered you.”
He darts down the stairs. I can hear his soft whimpering as he runs through the shop to his bike. My feet race down the spiral staircase, moving like they have minds of their own, and run out the front entrance to watch him pedal down the street.
My body moves forward before I can stop it.
I lean forward, ready to run. To chase him down. To beg him to come back.
Let him go.
This is for the best. He deserves love, and I can’t give that to him. He deserves much more than me.
Felix rounds a corner, and I walk back into the shop feeling like the world’s stopped spinning. Gabriel stands there, looking at me.
“Don’t,” I whisper. “Let’s just get this car done and close early, okay?”
Gabriel says nothing because he usually doesn’t, but his face says it all. I lie on the creeper and push myself under the car. This is where I belong, with metal and grease. Things that I can’t hurt. Things that won’t bleed.
I don’t deserve him.