Chapter 42
Hallie
“Then two weeks later, you found out anyway,” I say to finish.
For the two weeks following that day, I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut about everything . I was terrified that my mom would be right, and that if I said something, it would be detrimental to my dad’s health.
Of course, now looking back, I know that’s not true, but for those two weeks, I was living in paralyzed fear that it could be.
If I would’ve known better, I would’ve told Rio and his mom as soon as possible. Maybe then I wouldn’t have lost him for so many years. Or her.
Mrs. DeLuca is sitting across from me, tears silently streaming down her face. It’s an entirely different reaction from the day she found out that her husband and best friend were having an affair.
In her house. In her own bedroom.
Rio and I were headed to pack up his room when we walked in to find his typically strong mother broken in a way I’d never seen her. Broken in a way I’ve never seen anyone . I watched the panic consume him as soon as we heard her blood-curdling cry. I noticed when the protectiveness took over as he picked his inconsolable mother off the ground.
I witnessed his heart crack when she told him about his dad, and I watched it shatter completely when she told him that I knew.
I’m not sure what hurt worse that day. The way she looked at me with complete and utter disgust, or how it felt to have the only man I’ve ever loved tell me to get out of their house.
Across the table, Mrs. DeLuca brings her coffee to her lips as she watches me from over her rim, tears still falling of their own volition. “You look just like her.”
My heart sinks at the reminder. It’s a suspicion I’ve had for a long time, that maybe she looked at me the way she did that day because physically, I’m practically a carbon copy of her former best friend. And now, how could I expect her to look at me when I’m the spitting image of the woman who tore her family apart?
We both know it’s not actually you that she’s angry with .
“I know.” I offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about that.”
Shaking her head, she tells me not to be.
“That’s why I cut my hair. I didn’t want to look anything like her.”
“ Hallie .” More tears well in her eyes and she reaches across the table to put her hand over mine. “You’re not her, honey.”
“I am so sorry for what she did, and I’m even more sorry that I didn’t tell you when I had the chance.”
She inhales a shaky breath. “I had no idea that she said that to you. I had no idea your dad was sick. Is he...”
“He’s good.” I allow the genuine smile to lift. “He lives in Minnesota with my brother’s family now.”
“Luke has his own family?”
“He does. A wife and a son.”
“Wow.” She nods to herself as a long beat of time passes between us. “Hallie, I am so sorry that you were put in that position with an impossible choice to make.”
“And still I made the wrong one.”
“You’re only feeling that way because hindsight is 20/20. I know how much your dad means to you. You must have been so scared.”
“I was terrified.”
“And then I was horrible to you.”
I shake my head. “If I were in your shoes, I probably would’ve been horrible to me too.”
“If I can explain my side, at the time, it felt like everyone was lying to me. Your mom was my best friend. He was my partner for over thirty years. And I thought of you as my daughter. Then, just like that”—she snaps her fingers—“it was all taken away, and all I had left was my son.”
I nod in understanding.
“Hallie.” She exhales a long breath. “You should know that the reason Rio ended things with you the way he did is because of me.”
“He was a grown man. That was his choice.”
“Yes, but much in the way your mom made the choice for you by scaring you when she told you not to tell anyone about what you knew, I made the choice for my son.”
She allows that statement to linger for a long while.
“I was alone for the first time in my life. I had just lost my husband and my closest friend, and I needed someone, anyone, to be on my team. I was so angry and so hurt that I made sure my son felt that same hurt too.”
“I can understand that. You wanted him to have your back, but he always has.”
“He has, but I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. To be honest, whenever I reflect on that time in my life, logic flies right out the window. There was no part of me that was okay with the only person on my team having a relationship with her daughter.” She closes her eyes for a moment. “And I made sure he understood that. Without saying the words, I made him choose.”
She looks up at me cautiously, like she’s expecting some kind of explosive reaction from me. But nothing about that admission is surprising. I saw her that day. She was in fight or flight mode, and from what Rio has told me, those survival instincts have lasted for years.
How exhausting for her.
“He was all I had left, Hallie.”
“I know.”
“I just wanted my family back, but he was all I had left.” She shakes her head. “If he was with you, it meant he was on her side and that your mom had won. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but it made complete sense to me at the time. She would’ve taken every part of my family.”
Realization dawns on me. “All this time, you thought I was protecting my mom by not telling you about the affair.”
She smiles regretfully. “I did.”
“No,” I quickly say. “I was always on your side. I was always on Rio’s side. I’m on Luke’s side, and my dad’s side. We haven’t had contact with her in years. Not since we moved away from here.”
Mrs. DeLuca’s brows furrow and I watch as she lets all those pieces fall into place.
“We were all on the same side,” I tell her. “And I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer at the time by telling you when I had the chance.”
She uses the back of her hands to pat at her face. “I’ve spent about six years trying to avoid the regret I have from putting my son in the position to choose. There’s this stubborn part of me that hoped if I never acknowledged what I did was wrong, or if Rio never talked about you or your family again, that regret would be irrelevant. I could bury those feelings.
“Then, a couple months ago, when he visited last, he talked about you, and as soon as he did, my walls went up. I was terrified that my only child was going to hate me for making him choose all those years ago, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop myself from doing it again. I wasn’t ready to dissociate you from your mom. Regret is not easy to live with, and I tried to convince myself that I didn’t regret my choices, but Hallie, I do.”
“I know.” I quickly nod. “I’ve regretted my choices for just as long.”
She offers me an understanding smile. “It can feel suffocating once you let it in. Consuming and debilitating. But I was wrong. What I asked of him was wrong. When he told me about you living next door to him again, I was triggered, but it wasn’t necessarily you , Hallie. It was the memory of how painful that time was. I didn’t want to relive it.”
“Then I show up at your door and here we are, reliving it.”
She laughs and it sounds like there’s an edge of relief in it. “Here we are.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Oh God.” She shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. I mean I knew Rio loved you then, but I clearly didn’t understand the extent of it. He’s loved you for most of his life, and I will forever be sorry that I’m the reason he lost you for so long.”
She squeezes my hand, and I realize then she’s still holding it, so I squeeze hers back.
“I don’t know that this will help that regret at all,” I say. “But I think about what the last six years would’ve looked like if things happened differently. And I don’t know. In a way, it was a good thing that going to Chicago with him back then was no longer an option. I would’ve been torn between two places at once. The strange silver lining of it all is while my dad needed me, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. Of course, I wish I didn’t lose that time with Rio, but life had a funny way of working itself out in the end.”
“Now, don’t try to make me feel better about it.”
I huff a laugh. “I’m not. I’m just saying, it’s hard to regret the past when he and I are right back to where we were always meant to be. We just had to take a little detour to get there.”
She studies me from across the table. “You’ve always loved him, haven’t you?”
“Always. He’s good and kind. And he’s good to me, which I know is because he grew up learning to be good to you.”
She’s quiet for a long moment before she finally says, “I missed you, Hallie girl.”
“I missed you too.”
“Can I give you a hug?”
My smile blooms in an instant. “I’d love that.”
She stands the same time I do, rounding the table to hug me.
“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, holding on to me.
“I know. And I know you’re not my actual mom, but you always treated me as if you were. And I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
She exhales a long breath, and I do the same.
It feels like the final weight is lifted.
We unwrap ourselves after a long while, but she holds me at arm’s length. “Do you have anywhere you need to be tonight?”
“No. I only came here for you. My flight doesn’t leave until the morning.”
“Would you stay for dinner? If you’re up for it, I mean. I’d really love to hear about your life.”
“Yeah.” I can’t hold back my smile. “I’d love that.”