Chapter 16 #2
“No,” I said at last, and her gaze dimmed. Reaching out, I thumbed her lower lip. “The question will be posed differently next time,” I added, and she sucked in a sharp breath.
“Differently how?”
I offered only a tender smile as I leaned down and gently kissed her forehead. “You’ll see.”
Closing her door softly behind me, I went downstairs and set up my bed on the couch. Had my back been giving me hell the last few days? Yes. But had it been worth it to keep Zara and Shannon safe? Also, yes.
Settling in, I stared at the ceiling for a long while, pondering if Shannon’s flirting tonight meant she was starting to let herself have feelings for me again, or was it a simple case of lust and me being there?
I was going around in circles in my head until I found myself sitting up and turning on the light.
I rummaged some paper and a pen out of the drawer beneath Shannon’s coffee table and began scribbling down lyrics for the first time in over a year and a half.
Your mind weary, you admit the truth,
The words I’d been hoping for
In the morning you’ll say you were just tired
To save face, to feel safe,
But you are safe, you just don’t know it yet
I’ll be all you’d been hoping for
My pulse raced as a melody entered my head.
I hadn’t brought any of my guitars over, and my fingers itched to lay down some chords.
Remembering the small one I’d been teaching Zara how to play, I found it where she’d left it in the kitchen, then returned to the living room.
I played quietly so as not to wake anyone.
By the time I finished the song, it was the early hours of the morning, so I put everything away and tried to get some sleep.
It was tough as the adrenaline of writing music still rushed through me.
I woke to the sound of soft footsteps followed by Zara dropping on top of me. “Wake up, Daddy.”
Rubbing at my eyes, I blinked them open and found my little girl grinning down at me.
“Morning, beautiful. Want some breakfast?”
“Yes, please!”
Since it was Saturday, I set Zara in front of the TV watching cartoons with a bowl of cereal before going to check on Shannon. Knocking softly on her door, I waited until I heard a groggy, “Yeah?”
“It’s Jace. Can I come in?”
There was some shuffling about and then, “Sure.”
When I entered the room, it was dark. Shannon must’ve gotten up and pulled the curtains because I didn’t remember shutting them last night.
Morning light filtered through the cracks.
She sat up in bed wearing an oversized T-shirt that she also hadn’t had on when I’d left her last night.
Did she remember what we’d spoken about?
Judging from the shy look on her face, I suspected yes.
“I’m sorry for falling asleep in the car last night,” she said. “And for being so weird. Exhaustion does strange things to me.”
See? She blamed her tiredness. I knew she would. I didn’t call her on the excuse; I knew she needed something to latch onto because what was happening between us was scary for her.
“You weren’t weird, so no need to apologise,” I responded easily, taking in her pallor and tired eyes. “You want some water? Coffee?”
“Water sounds good.”
“Anything to eat?”
She shook her head. “Not yet. Maybe later.”
When I returned with a large glass of water, I sat on the edge of the bed, handing it to her.
Shannon appeared to make an effort not to let our fingers touch, which made me wonder if she’d decided to pull back.
No one could deny we’d been getting closer.
Maybe last night really had scared her, made her decide to erect a new wall, one where we didn’t touch.
“You okay?” I asked, taking her in.
She shifted in the bed, a faint self-conscious expression on her face. “I’m fine. My sleep was a little fitful,” she said, falling quiet before she continued, not making eye contact. “And I guess I’m just wondering when you’re going to embarrass me by repeating all the stuff I said last night.”
I sent her a soft look. “I’m not going to embarrass you. In fact, I can forget it all if you want, though I don’t mind continuing the head massage if you’re still suffering.”
“You’re being very gracious.”
“Shannon, I adore you. I’m a willing supplicant at your altar. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’m here to give.”
She inhaled sharply, her gaze locking on mine, and a moment thick with tension fell between us. At last, she exhaled then set down the glass of water. “You can’t say stuff like to me,” she muttered.
I tilted my head. “Why not?”
She blinked, then shook her head and climbed out from under the covers. “You know why not. I need to shower.”
I watched as she walked towards her bathroom, then stilled as her shoulders dropped, and she quietly swore under her breath. “Cai’s memorial is today, isn’t it?”
The reminder had a scoop hollowing out my gut. I’d known where I was going today, but I’d been able to distract myself until she mentioned it. “Yes. Are you still coming?”
She nodded. “My head is still a little achy, but it’s okay. I’ll take a couple painkillers to see me through.”
“We don’t have to leave for a few hours. You might be feeling better by then.”
Shannon nodded, then disappeared inside her bathroom.
While she showered, I helped Zara get dressed, took a quick shower myself in the main bathroom, then headed over to my parents’ house for a change of clothes.
I had some stuff at Shannon’s, but I needed a shirt and tie for today, and the ones I’d worn last night were sweaty and dirty.
Mam decided that we’d all ride in the car together to save on petrol, but I think she really just knew I needed not to be alone today.
A little while later, we picked up Zara and Shannon, the three of us sitting in the back while my dad drove, and Mam sat in the passenger seat.
It was a solemn drive, nobody talking much.
I’d gone through a lot of therapy to help me get over how Cai had died.
The needlessness of his death. If that other driver just hadn’t been so selfish to drive drunk, if Cai hadn’t offered me a lift home, if we’d left five minutes later or five minutes earlier, he’d still be here today.
The fact that life could end over a few tiny, seemingly innocuous choices was what had almost driven me insane.
It was why I’d needed to dull my racing thoughts, slow them down, not feel my emotions.
Drugs had helped with that, and I’d been addicted to the numbness.
But that wasn’t me anymore. I didn’t hide from pain.
I accepted it as an inevitable part of life, and that was why I knew that whatever today made me feel, I could get through it.
***
Cai’s parents lived in a nice house in the suburbs.
Some of his relatives and friends from school were there.
I noted that Roan, Angus, and Kami had already arrived.
Elias was missing, but he was probably running late.
We all loved Cai, and even though Kami had never met him, having taken his place in the band after he’d passed, she’d come to pay her respects and likely to support Angus.
As we walked into the house, Cai’s mother was suddenly in front of me.
“I’m so glad you came,” she said, surprising me when she pulled me into a hug.
“Jace, I know it’s been years, and I should’ve said this sooner, but I’m sorry for how I spoke to you at Cai’s funeral.
It was wrong of me. I see that now. I hope you can forgive me. ”
Her words were like a gut punch. Back when Cai had first passed, his mother had hated me, had more or less blamed me for surviving when her son hadn’t.
It was one of the things had that contributed to my feelings of guilt.
It had taken time for me to understand that she’d been simply grieving and lashing out, but I’d have been lying if I’d said she hadn’t crossed my mind when I thought about who the catfish could be.
Cai’s parents were some of the only people who truly had cause to hate me.
“Of course, I can,” I said, a little choked when she hugged me again. Then her husband was there, pulling me into a hug, too. Several emotions clogged my throat, most notably gratitude. I was grateful to them for inviting my family and me today and for forgiving me.
When they moved on to greet the next guests, I felt a small hand take mine and peered down to find Zara looking up at me. She didn’t fully understand what the memorial was about, but she clearly sensed it was something important.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, and emotion caught in my throat. The way children could be so pure sometimes truly gutted me. That was when I saw Shannon watching us, her eyes filled with tenderness.
It wasn’t too big of a gathering in the end, probably less than forty people.
We all squeezed into the living room, while Cai’s parents shared some fond memories from his childhood, alongside some of their regrets about not supporting Cai’s choice to become a musician later on.
Shannon sat on one side of me, producing a small tissue to dab at her eyes as she listened to Cai’s mother speak.
I reached out, taking her hand in mine and giving a soft squeeze.
I didn’t let go while other people got up to speak, all of them sharing memories.
I wanted to get up there, but I was too overwhelmed.
It was all I could do to keep it together and sit still, listening to all the people who loved him share a little piece of who he was.
Afterwards, there was tea and sandwiches, but I didn’t have an appetite.
I saw Mam and Dad talking to Cai’s parents as I left the room and wandered out into the hallway.
I occupied myself by studying the pictures on the wall.
There were lots of Cai and some of his sister who I hadn’t seen around today.
I recalled that she’d moved to Canada, and that was a long way to travel just for a small memorial.
She looked so familiar, though I put it down to the family resemblance between her and Cai.
There was a picture of him when he was maybe only three or four, his sister a chubby girl in her late teens.
He was sitting on her lap on the grass out in their garden, a big smile on his face.
Something about seeing him so young and innocent and joyful had grief swelling within me anew.
I felt suffocated. I had to get out of there.
Leaving the house, I walked to the end of the drive, then sat down on the kerb.
Lots of tears had been shed today, but none of my own.
Now wetness fell down my cheeks as I grappled with the pain seizing my chest. It was all those people sharing their memories.
It was too much wondering about the life Cai might’ve had if it weren’t for—
“Jace?” Shannon’s gentle cadence filled my ears as she approached. “Oh, Jace,” she said, seeing my tears, and then she was sitting down next to me, pulling me into her arms. I sank into her embrace, her soothing warmth chasing away the darkness.