Chapter Nine #2
I reached for the door handle, got out, and slammed the door without looking back. All it took was for Yaya to take one look at me, and she instantly knew something was wrong.
“What happened, Tati?”
I blew past her and into the gym, heading straight to the bathroom in the back.
My nerves were frazzled. I didn’t know what to do.
Why did he get into that car this morning thinking this was a good idea?
That we would have a conversation, and he would be able to smooth everything over.
It was stupid of him to even think I would want to spend a second with him.
I locked the door and leaned on the granite bathroom counter, taking a few deep breaths. Looking into the mirror, the tears I had been desperately trying to hold back fell down my face. I examined myself and ran a hand through my hair.
Why is this happening now? I’m finally getting myself together and learning to live without Karim, only for Nazir to blow back into my life. Why?
“I will kick this door down, and you know I will, Tatiana,” Yaya’s muffled voice threatened from the other side.
Wiping my tears, I opened the door, and she stepped inside, quickly closing it behind her.
“What’s going on with you?”
“Nazir.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry. I know him coming back—”
“He was my driver this morning?”
She paused. “Is that in his job description?”
I plopped down on one of the cushioned benches. “Apparently, Jonah doesn’t want anyone my father hired to work for me.”
“I don’t blame him. Anyone could be responsible for that hit on your father. What did he say that has you so emotional?”
“It’s not about what he said. It’s about him being here. I’ve held a mental funeral for this man, and then he just comes back from the dead.”
I slammed my hand onto the granite––a little too hard because I felt the sting.
But the pain in my hand didn’t matter. All I wanted was for my heart to calm and my eyes to stop watering at the sight of that man.
I longed for life to go back to how it was before he appeared downstairs in my home.
Life wasn’t great, but I was getting through it––faking it until I made it––and focusing on my daughter’s happiness.
“Maybe this is God giving you what you asked for.”
I turned and looked at her as if she had just cursed at me. “What?”
“I remember you crying when Karim passed. You said how every man you love leaves you. We were both drinking, but you were more drunk than I was.”
As she jogged my memory, I started to remember that night.
We were sitting out back while Nazira was asleep on my lap.
Karim had been gone for two weeks, and I didn’t want her away from me.
During those first three nights after Karim’s death, she woke up screaming for him.
I would’ve done anything to erase her pain.
If she wanted candy for dinner, I gave it to her because I didn’t want her to hurt like I was.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“You mentioned Nazir. Said you wished you could have that closure from him…that if he never left you, you wouldn’t have to deal with the heartache.”
I slapped my hand over my face and sighed. “It was the liquor talking.”
“Drunk thoughts speak sober words. You’ve always wondered what happened to him, Tatiana. He’s appeared again for a reason, and you need to find out what that reason is.”
I snatched my bag from the counter and swung it onto my arm. “He came back to protect my family because that’s what Jonah hired him to do. Nothing more.”
She followed behind me into the locker room, where I aggressively shoved my bag into the locker after taking out my headphones.
“Then why are you so triggered by him?”
“Yaya, that man left me after promising forever. He never contacted me or came back for me. Seeing him triggers me because I’m reminded of the pain I went through.”
She leaned against the locker, giving me an intense look. Whenever she stared at me like that, she always got me to admit what I was truly feeling––things I swore I’d take to the grave.
“I’m not saying you need to jump into bed with the man, but at least hear him out. How do you know leaving was an easy decision for him, Tatiana?”
“I don’t care if it was hard. He should have told me instead of disappearing in the middle of the night. We told each other everything,” I snapped, slamming the locker shut.
The entire morning had me off my game. I usually looked forward to working out, but now I didn’t want to.
“Nazir is, what? A few years older than you?”
“Seven.”
I remember lying to him about my age, claiming I was twenty-five.
Nazir carried himself differently, and I could tell he was older than me.
I didn’t want him to dismiss me like I was some young, na?ve college girl with a crush.
I needed him to take me seriously, so yes, I lied about my age. Was I proud of that? No.
Eventually I came clean, and he laughed, saying I set him up.
Being an only child, I’ve always been mature for my age.
Did I want to date a man who was closer to my father’s age than mine?
Not really. However, I appreciated Nazir’s maturity, wisdom, and conversation.
We would become so lost in conversation that we’d lose track of time.
I loved that our relationship was more than just sex.
He was my first love––the first man I gave my heart to––and he broke it without having the balls to do it face to face.
“Maybe he didn’t think you could handle the conversation. I mean, you’re acting pretty immature right now.”
I turned to curse her ass out and saw her grin. “Yaya, not today.”
She followed me onto the gym floor, where our trainer was waiting. He was already on the phone and gesturing toward the stair stepper––we knew what to do.
“You said you never got the closure you needed, and now it’s literally in your face. Yet, you don’t want it.”
“I have made peace with not knowing.”
I began climbing the gruesome stairs, happy for the distraction. Yaya increased her speed–– as she often did––and then looked over at me.
“If you’ve truly made peace, you wouldn’t be as bothered as you are right now. Tatiana, I know you, and even though you’ve moved on, tell me you don’t think about him sometimes. I’m not saying every day, but over the years, that man has crossed your mind.”
“It’s kind of hard not to think of him when I’m raising his child,” I said, hanging my head and gripping the rails as I slowly climbed the moving stairs. “Every smile and facial expression makes me think of him.”
“Which is exactly why you need to have that conversation with him.”
“Negative.”
“You plan to lie to Nazira her whole life? Let her believe one man was her father when her real father is very much alive?”
I did one full flight before turning my attention back to my best friend.
“Her father is in the ground. Karim may not have been her biological father, but he was there and stepped up to raise a child that wasn’t his.”
“Which I commend him for. Not many men would have done that. But you need to think of Nazir and how he would want to know about his daughter.”
“Then he should’ve fucking stayed around,” I said, then pulled my headphones over my ears, not wanting to hear anything else about this conversation.
I don’t know why Yaya expected me to be the bigger person. He didn’t care about us having a child when he left. Even without him knowing I was pregnant, he knew there was always the possibility I could get pregnant, especially with him having unprotected sex with me.
The bottom line is, Nazir left without ever checking on me. So, I don’t think I wanted to know his reasons for doing what he did. Yeah, Yaya might think it was unfair of me to only acknowledge my hurt without knowing his reason for hurting me, but I didn’t care.
At least…not yet.
After pacing my bedroom for an hour last night, I finally gave in and took one of my Ambien pills.
My doctor prescribed them after diagnosing me with insomnia.
I was hesitant to depend on medication for sleep because I worried I might become addicted.
My eyes burned, my thoughts were foggy, and I accidentally sent an email to the CEO of Valora Hotels instead of Yaya.
If there was ever a night I needed sleep, last night was it.
I just wanted my mind to quiet down for a few hours.
Once I took the medicine, I went to Nazira’s bedroom and quietly gathered up clothes and toys while she slept peacefully.
After yawning for the fourth time in six minutes, I abandoned the mission and dragged myself to bed.
With my eye mask on, I closed my eyes and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off beside me.
I can’t say I felt fully refreshed, but I was no longer tired, and my head no longer ached from lack of sleep. That felt like a small victory.
I swung my legs out of bed and stood up to start my day.
I went into the closet and tossed a dress I had been thinking about earlier this week into my open suitcase.
My schedule was packed with meetings this week, so I decided to stay in the city.
If that wasn’t enough, I had to fly to Las Vegas this weekend for a meeting at the Valora Hotel.
I hated traveling for work. Karim usually handled all the traveling when it came to Hush.
He was the one who had been working on most of these deals, while I worked at the spa and made it home each night to be with our daughter.