Chapter Nine
Tatiana
The sun creeping through my windows should have been a sign that I needed to start my day, except I had beaten the sun rising for the third morning in a row.
I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning until I finally admitted to myself that sleep would be the last thing I would get.
My sleep schedule hadn’t been the best since Karim passed, but after seeing Nazir the other day, it had gone from terrible to shit.
All the memories I forced out of my mind had come rushing back in.
His scent hadn’t left my nostrils, and he hadn’t been inside my house in over seventy-two hours, but who’s counting?
Before I wasted hours recounting every memory I shared with Nazir, I climbed out of bed and began my morning routine. Whenever I was in Greenwich Pointe, I alternated between working out in my home gym and going to town to exercise with Yaya and our personal trainer.
Yaya had been in her own world, which wasn’t anything new. Apart from me sending her brief text messages about how I was feeling, we hadn’t discussed it. Not because she didn’t rush over to check on me, but because I needed to put it out of my mind.
I looked into Bloom’s room and saw her tossed across the bed, still asleep. Before heading downstairs, I checked Nazira’s room and saw she was still asleep, as well. She had about an hour before it was time for her to wake up for school.
The security team Jonah had hired was already on duty, so it wasn’t unusual for me to run into one of them on my way down the steps. It was a bit of an adjustment, considering I was used to being the only one awake at this hour, sitting in silence alone.
Emilio, the head of security for our family, was usually found in the downstairs office.
It used to be Karim’s office, but I cleaned it out a year after his death.
Every time I tried to do it before then, I would break down in tears while sitting behind the desk.
The memories and passing by it every day were too painful for both me and Zira.
His office had become a mausoleum of memories.
It housed all his pictures, degrees, and anything else that meant something to him.
Whenever I needed to feel close, I would creep down there, sit in his chair, and look through old family pictures.
I’d have a good cry and then close the doors to continue with life.
“Good morning, Mrs. Sterling. The car is ready for you, and a guard is already waiting,” he said, standing with tired eyes but refusing to rest.
The guest bedroom on this level was free for them to use. Karim’s office was now filled with monitors and advanced security systems that seemed too complex for me to understand.
“It’s Tatiana, Emilio. You’re going to be around my family often, so we can skip the formalities.”
He smiled. “Thank you for the food last night. We appreciate it.”
Usually, when I cooked, I made small portions for myself, Bloom, and Nazira. Bloom usually went out to dinner, so it typically ended up being just the two of us. Last night, I cooked enough to feed Emilio and the two guards who were also protecting the house.
I had to insist they sit down and share a meal with us.
They eventually agreed, but not without keeping an eye on their phones connected to the security system.
They unplugged as much as needed, and it was a pleasant dinner.
Afterward, Nazira acted out a part in her upcoming play, which earned her a standing ovation she couldn’t stop raving about while going down for bed.
“Don’t expect home-cooked meals every night, because I’m the queen of ordering takeout. But thank you for making my baby smile. She couldn’t stop talking about her standing ovation.”
He chuckled. “You’re very welcome. Shall we?”
I quickly went to fill my favorite water bottle and grabbed my gym bag as Emilio held the door open for me. The second guard at the back door of the car opened it for me.
“Thanks, Anthony.”
“You good, Tatiana. Enjoy your workout,” he said, closing the door as I finally settled into the butter-soft leather.
I would never admit it to Jonah, but it felt nice having security around.
With it being just me and Nazira most of the time, the house didn’t feel as big with them there.
As the car drove down our long driveway and passed through the neighborhood gates, I closed my eyes, hoping for a quick ten-minute nap.
“Good morning, Tata.”
My eyes sprang open, and I stared at the driver.
Nazir was dressed casually in a white T-shirt and a durag. It felt like my body finally registered something because his signature scent filled the car as soon as our eyes locked through the rearview mirror.
“You’re not my driver. Where’s my driver?” I asked.
“Until everything is cleared with your father, Jonah doesn’t want anyone your father hired to work for you.”
I took a deep breath. “And let me guess… you do this for all your clients, huh?”
He easily maneuvered the Maybach through the posh streets of Greenwich. Nazir didn’t belong in Greenwich Pointe. I had spent so much time keeping our relationship hidden from Greenwich. I’ve always felt like Nazir was too genuine for this town.
I should have noticed him before he spoke, since his seat was nearly in the back with me to accommodate his height.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the other day.”
“And what do you want me to do with that information? Want me to jump into your lap, excited that you thought about me after all these years?”
What I wanted was to jump out of the car as he kept cruising, intentionally doing the speed limit to give us more time for this awkward conversation I didn’t want to have.
I used to imagine how the conversation would go if I ever saw him again.
Would I slap the hell out of him or rush into his arms because I had missed him so much?
My heart ached for this man as if it were a death.
I mourned him and drove myself crazy trying to figure out where he had gone and why.
The man I knew wouldn’t have abandoned me the way he did.
A small part of me blamed myself for him leaving.
Maybe if I hadn’t pushed, he wouldn’t have disappeared on me.
“You never left my mind, Tata.”
“Stop calling me that,” I replied firmly.
He wasn’t allowed to call me that. It was a name rooted in love, and now I wasn’t sure if what we had was even real. Someone who loved me as Nazir claimed he did wouldn’t have done what he did without an explanation.
Closure.
“Tata, I know what I did was fucked up, and I don’t think I could ever make it right. But I want the chance to try.”
My eyes welled up, and my voice cracked as I stared at the side of his face.
“You can never make this right, Nazir. Why do you think you can just pop back into my life and try to make everything right? Huh? What gives you the right to believe you can do that?”
My hands were balled up, and my face burned with anger. How does he think he can fix this? There’s nothing he can do to make this right.
“I don’t have the right, baby. But us crossing paths again wasn’t a coincidence. It was meant to happen. It was meant to confirm everything I’ve spent years thinking about. A nigga doesn’t deserve the chance I’m asking for, Tata. I know and understand that. But––”
“Stop,” I whimpered.
My heart was pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears, and my vision was blurred from the tears that were begging to fall down my cheeks.
I didn’t want to hear what he had to say because it wouldn’t make the situation better.
Nothing could erase the fact that I had been forced to raise my daughter in a lie.
Karim was who Nazira knew as her father.
How was I supposed to look into her eyes and tell her that this stranger was her real father?
“I fucked up, and I have my reasons for why I left. All I ask is for you to give me a chance to explain.”
As we neared the gym, I silently thanked God.
All my hidden emotions were surfacing, and I felt an overwhelming urge to get out of the car and away from him.
Nazir didn’t deserve to see me cry. I was angry at myself for even being on the verge of tears.
That was something I promised myself I’d never do over him again.
I had spent so many years crying for a man who had left me.
When I stared into my daughter’s face on the happiest day of my life, I felt sorrow because he wasn’t there to witness her being born.
In my head, he had not only abandoned me; he had abandoned both of us.
As soon as he pulled up at the gym, I quickly gathered my things and reached for the handle. I wanted to get the hell away from him, and I needed to do it immediately. I was two minutes from breaking down and revealing all the bottled-up anger, resentment, and love I still harbored for him.
I was supposed to hate this man, but as I stared into his chocolate eyes, that emotion eluded me.
I couldn’t hate him, and I hated myself for not being able to do what should have been simple.
I should’ve been able to hate him easily.
Months ago, it was unthinkable that I’d be on the verge of tears and wanting to jump out of a moving vehicle because of him.
I had been doing a better job of being in control of my emotions, yet here I was, spiraling in front of the man who had sent me down this emotional path.
Yaya stood outside the gym, looking confused as she stared into the car window, wondering why I hadn’t gotten out yet. The car’s tint was too dark for her to see inside.
“Jonah hired you to protect me and my daughter. I’d appreciate it if you did that and left the other bullshit out of the equation. Past mistakes don’t matter; what matters is the present, and we have to live with our decisions, no matter how hurtful they are.”