Chapter 5
When the alarm goes off, I don”t want to wake up. I still need to feel his hands on me. The more I”m pushing him away from my head the more he comes haunting my dreams.
I”m wondering if it happens to him too. Of course not; surely he”s fucking someone else right now. The thought of it makes me growl while kicking off the sheets. Fuck you!
I take a shower remembering when we had it together. The way he kissed me, the way he touched me, making me his. I clench my fists and let out a heartfelt scream. Why? Why on the fucking earth I’m still thinking at him. Why do I let my mind drift to him when I should be focused on my future?
I”m so pissed and that”s what I need. The rink is waiting for me, and today nothing can stop me. Wearing leggings and a t-shirt I zip my jacket up and get into my car.
Icylight is still closed but not for me since I”ve booked it for the entire year in the morning and late afternoon. That way I can train without prying eyes on me and can focus and adjust whatever it needs. Like your brain?
Skating around the rink, I warm up and stretch a little before starting the session. Rave won’t be here today, but I can do it myself. I”ve promised to take it easy and then head to the gym. Not sure it”ll be a good idea since I”m still sore, but I need to be in shape. Gaining weight is a hard no and after all the cake we”ve eaten this weekend I may have gained a few pounds. Truth is Pamela is a sublime cook. Her food is delicious, and her cakes are the ones you’d die for. I like her and her sweetness with Dad left me speechless. I can see why dad fell for her and I’m sure they’ll be together forever. He deserves it.
With a smile on my face, I press play, and focus on the rhythm of the song. Each note kicks in rushing through my veins. The toe loop is clean and stable, followed by a sit to an upright spin. I skate to the edge doing a death drop ending with a rokers. Follows the Ina Bawer and ends with a hydroblading falling.
I”m not happy at all, it feels wonky and not smooth as it should be. I do it again, and again, and again. After three hours I want to scream. Frustration rushes over me as I have fallen more than I usually do, and I leave the Icylight because I need a fucking break. Rave was right, when I”m not hundred percent focused, I can easily get hurt. I already am.
I head to Boxe, one of our local gyms. I have been a member since Vin, dad”s friend, has opened and Rave made sure to let him know what I can”t touch even if I beg him to.
“Hey, Ashley, you ready?” The personal trainer Rave was talking about, and to whom I said I don”t need one, approaches me with a smile plastered on his face.
“Finn, let me guess, you should keep an eye on me.”
“Hey, I do what I”m told.” He nonchalantly shrugs. “Vin would kill me if you get hurt because of me.”
“I don”t need a personal trainer.” I sigh in frustration. Nor a babysitter.
“I know, I”ll just let you do whatever you want but still keep an eye on you, how does it sound?”
“Deal, thanks Finn.” He nods and moves away. I go to the treadmill wearing my buds and listen to some music while running. I need to be sure my muscles are ready for my next competition. I can’t lose it. The Olympics are in sight, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let this opportunity slip away.
Legs, abs and arms… Not sure in which order I”ll start but whatever keeps my mind busy I”m all in.
After two hours, I”m worn out.
“Nice train, you”re stronger than you look,” a guy says, standing next to me. I haven’t even noticed there are a few more people in the gym. I was so focused on Finn and my own exercises that everything else disappeared.
While damping my sweat off my neck, I peer at him. “I”ll take it as a compliment.”
“It is; I”m Drew by the way.” He extends his hand.
“Ashley,” I say, shaking it. “Nice tattoo.” And it really is. It”s fascinating but intricate at the same time.
“Thank you, love them. Do you have any?”
“Not yet,” I reply, while seeing Finn beckon me. “sorry I have to go.”
“It was a pleasure, Ashley.” He grins as I walk by.
After planning better the new sessions with Finn, eventually I head out, while calling Kelly. Maybe she”s up for a girlie night. I need a distraction!
“See you around, Ashley.” Drew”s voice startles me, making me lose the grip on my phone. “Fuck, I”m sorry.”
“It”s okay, I didn”t see you coming.”
He walks with me toward the parking lot. “Do you need a lift?”
“Nope, I”m okay,” I wave him goodbye as I get into my car.
Reorganizing my garage was something I”ve pushed back so many times but today the cleaning time has come.
Keeping my mind busy works but once I”m alone the only thing I want to do is go to her. Ashley marked me and not only on my skin. Seeing her scratches on my shoulders still makes me smile.
I miss her.
Fuck me, I haven”t missed anyone so much but I”m darn sure she doesn”t want to hear from me. I”ve called her so many times that I lost count. Even though I see her every morning at the Icylight it’s not enough. This morning was tough not going to hug her but the scream she made after the last fell made me feel all her frustration and I left. Because I know it”s my fault if she”s not focused and I can”t be a distraction for her.
Hearing a bike’s roar makes my heart skip a beat, until I realize it’s a Harley and not Ashley’s.
Di stops and jumps off her bike. “Pretty clean, you did a good job. The Clubhouse needs some cleaning too,” she teases.
“It’s relaxing,”
“Yeah, mostly when you need to shut your mind.” She sits on a counter. “What are you doing, Rock?”
Folding some clothes, I store them in a drawer. “I”m trying to be more organized.”
She cringes giving me that look. “You know what I mean.”
“I”m not doing anything else.” I pretend to not understand where she”s trying to get to. Maybe if I play dumb, she’ll leave at it.
“Have you talked to her?”
“No,” I confess.
“Then why are you not with her?” She cocks a brow at me. “Are you tired of her or what? Unless I”m wrong and she was just another one.”
Rubbing my face in frustration I let out a growl. “Di, do we really need to talk about it?”
“If you don”t want to, I”m not going to force you.” She shrugs but I can see she”s holding back from saying something.
“Then don’t,” I”m so tired of fighting for nothing. At the end of the day I”m here.
Alone.
She pops her chewing gum. “Ashley is seeing someone.”
“Bullshit!” I haven”t realized I said it out loud.
“So you do care.” Her victorious smirk makes me want to slap myself.
“Di, I do,” I come clean. “I”m obsessed with her. She”s in my dreams, in my thoughts, she”s everywhere. I don”t know what to do or what to say. I don”t want to put her in danger. She”s younger than me, she”s so perfect and so talented. I don”t want to ruin nor to lose her.” My rant takes over vomiting every fear of mine.
Her legs swing back and forth. “Well you need to think about what you want because one day she”ll be tired of waiting and she”ll be with someone else.”
Leaning against the hood of my car, I confess my deepest fear. “I can”t live again with what happened to Caroline.”
“So you wanna stay alone.”
“Yes,” I feel my heart bleeding at my own words because it’s a fucking lie! “Why are you here, by the way?”
She hops off the counter. “We may have a problem, and you”re not going to like it at all.”
“What now?”
“I went to the Icylight earlier.”
Snapping my head at her, I can see something’s off. “You did what? Why?” Ashley trained this morning for hours. And I counted every flop and hit she got, blaming myself every time she fell.
“First of all because you go there every morning, and I was curious as to why.” She peers at me. “She”s amazing on the ice, I have never seen something so beautiful.”
“I know.” I smile.
“However, this afternoon she was training and then she went to the gym, and I saw someone with her.” She was training? Again? How’s that even possible?
“She”s not seeing anyone,” I snap at her. These tricky games don”t work with me. I’m not a teen you can wrap around your finger playing the jealousy card.
She shrugs. “They looked pretty friendly, however that”s not what worries me. The guy looked familiar to me, and I followed him.”
“You’re keeping an eye on her? Why?” When Di does it, means something is off.
“I like her and the way she fucked your mind speaks volumes.”
“Fuck off, Di.” She knows she’s turning the knife into my wound.
“Keep lying to yourself then.” She rolls her eyes. “Like I said, I followed him.”
“And?” I”m running out of patience. It kills me the thought she may be with someone that it”s not me.
Denise paces back and forth. “He moved here yesterday in Mayer Lane 256.”
“Okay, and what’s weird with that? They are new construction and I’d say it was about time.”
“I was about to leave when I saw a black Cadillac pull over and Smokey and Razor got out of the car.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Or he”s someone working for them or is one of them.”
“When will those motherfuckers understand that Newtok is off-limits for them?” I rasp.
Fuck, I didn’t need it right now. I need to keep her safe. No matter what.
“Thanks, Di, good job. Call the brothers for a meeting.”
“Prez.” She calls out. “She’s not Caroline but I really like her.”
“That’s why you”ve put her on the list giving her access to the neighborhood?”
“I’m not gonna say sorry.” The look she gives me speaks volumes and I know she’s right. I haven’t had a relationship in ages. I’m not cut for them. Fuck, taking care of the charter and The Black Panthers became my priority since I got my colors. It wasn’t easy and we went through hell. They were there for me after Caroline’s death, and I vow I never let anyone touch my heart.
I failed.
I fucking failed.
I don’t kiss mamas, neither do the girls at the strip club but Ashley was different. I wanted a taste, and once I had it I couldn’t stop.
And now she may be in danger.