Chapter 4
Ihave just fooled myself and it”s all my fault. I need to stop thinking that maybe for once man can see something more than a fuck in me. It was amazing. Hell it was fabulous, and he was…
“Come on, Ash, you”re not focused!” Shouts Raven. I speed up, trying an edge jump, but when I do the loop, I lose my balance. Even before it ends, I know I”ll fall.
“Fuck, Ash!” she yells, rushing to me.
Getting up, I massage my hip. “I”m okay, I”ll do it again.”
She shakes her head. “No, it”s pointless you”re not mentally here.”
“I just need to relax.”
“Last time, you don”t need to get hurt.”
I skate around the rink, finding the right speed and jumping over again.
“Up, up, Ash!” Raven shouts. “fantastic, that”s my girl. We”re done for today, take your weekend off, and be focused, an injury is what you don”t need right now, or you”ll screw up all you”ve worked for.”
“Got it.” I nod while stopping in front of her to catch my breath.
“Great, see you on Monday.” She waves me goodbye while heading out of the rink.
I can”t lose it; I can”t fuck my entire career over someone.
One fucking week and this stress will be over. Fuck you, Rock!
Skating to the edge of the rink, I choose a new song. I need to vent and get him out of my head.
Out of my system.
There”s no room for bullshit.
The music plays and I can feel the rhythm in my bones. Yes, that”s what I needed.
Skating around the rink, I move my hips at the rhythm and start with a simple loop, followed by an axel and then a jump. I speed a little more trying the triple jump and the loop skating over.
His smirk between my legs flashes before my eyes.Get a fucking grip, Ash! I jump, my arms behind me, my hips rotate in time as I land in a perfect balance. I made it!
When I pivot the edge of the rink is so close that I can”t stop in time. The hit is so hard I feel the air leave my lungs. Fuck!
Laying back on the ice, I catch my breath, and start laughing nervously why tears stream down my cheeks. I don”t even know why but after a while I feel way better.
Heading into the locker room, I take my bag and leave.
The ride back home is short since there”s no traffic at this hour. I love when it”s so dark outside and the city seems so quiet.
Once home I head upstairs for a shower and place some ice on my hip. Now that the adrenaline is out of my system I can feel the pain increase. On the fridge I still have Rock”s note. Not sure if I”m keeping it as a reminder of how foolish I was or because I want to make sure it wasn’t just a dream. I miss him.
No, you don”t!
It meant nothing to him and the same should be for me too. End of story.
Waking up in the morning is tough after a sleepless night and I don”t want to leave my bed either. My back and my hip hurts as hell and if Rave finds out I over trained and get injured she”ll kill me for good. I swallow down some painkillers and head out.
I missed Sundays with Dad. It”s something I came up with to cheer him up and make him focus on me, giving him some spite from the demons I know they are lurking underneath. A day just for us, to watch movies, cook together and talk – mostly gossiping.
It took time but he got used to opening up with me and now he even talks about his work. I”m proud of Dad and how he has changed this town, making it safer. Nothing happens here and it may seem boring but it’s far from being so. We have everything we need to live like in heaven.
“Good morning, cupcake.” Dad greets me as soon as I set foot out of my car. Was he waiting for me on the porch?
“Morning, Dad.”
“Ready for breakfast?” He squeezes me in a hug before walking me inside.
“I’m starving,” I nod excitedly. Dad’s pancakes are the best ever. Even if I should be on a diet, breakfast calories don’t count, right?
Dad wears his apron while I take out all the ingredients he needs. “How was your birthday party?” He motions me to sit down.
Sinking in the stool opposite him, I find the napkins suddenly interesting. “It was great, we went to ZBE, and that place is fantastic.” Shifting in my seat an image of Rock pops in my mind, when he bit down on my flesh. His teeth were still there this morning as the sore part between my legs. I squeeze my eyes, dissipating every memory.
“I’m happy to know you had fun.” He peers at me. “What bothers you?”
“Nothing you can fix, Dad.” I sigh while he mixes all the ingredients together, adding his special touch to it.
Taking out a pan he awaits for it to heat it up. “So it”s about a guy?”
“Yeah,” I get up and go to brew some coffee.
“Do I know him?”
Shrugging I take my favorite mug, and roll it in my hands. “I guess so, I mean you know everyone here, Newtok is not that big.”
Dad turns to me, with a quizzical look. “Okay, so what about him?”
Filling my cup, my eyes stay glued on the heavenly nectar, in order to avoid dad”s gaze. “Do we really need to talk about him?”
“If he has hurt you, then yes. I need to know whose legs I have to break.”
Laughing out loud I approach him and surround his middle with my arm. “He”s okay, dad.” The last thing I need is dad to chase Rock because of me. Figures. He may be the sheriff, but Rock is a biker and we all know things may get messy.
Placing two pancakes on a plate he hands it to me. “Then what?”
Sitting back at the kitchen island, I wait for him to sit too while changing the focus of the conversation. “So tell me, what did you want to talk about?”
“I… I have no idea how to say it.” His shaky voice and nervousness rings a bell in my head.
“Is about a woman.” Not a question. I’m kinda sure he’s dating someone. He’s perfectly shaved, and wears cologne. Nothing is out of place here either. I peer around and my gaze falls on the couch. Pillows? “Oh, and it’s more than a date.” Why has he never mentioned her?
“You know I loved Jill so much.”
“I know, Dad, but,” I sigh, pondering how to say it without messing up. “I”d like you to move on, to be happy again. I missed my old man laughing and being serene. And now you are.” I reach out for his hand. “I”m not saying I”m mad at you. I know mom will always have a place in your heart, and I know she would like to see you happy too. Same goes for me.”
He wipes his tears and strokes my hand.
“Tell me about her.”
“You sure it doesn’t bother you?”
Why shouldn”t? If he”s happy that what matters. “Of course, we can talk about everything, Dad. No secrets between us.” That’s what he made me promise the first time he caught me crying because of my period cramps. And since then we’ve always talked about everything. Man, I still remember the chat we had about safe sex. He was blushing and I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable as hell. I already knew everything, and I promised myself to give my V card to someone who makes me feel special. To who’d look at me like how dad was looking at mom: like nothing else mattered to him but her. I swallow down the lump in my throat. My promise was thrown out of the window when Rock looked at me like an animal who wanted me. I fucked up big time and the worst part is that I don’t regret it. He made me feel the only thing he wanted.
“Pamela is amazing.” His voice trails me out of my thoughts, and I notice his eyes start to shine. “I have never expected to fall in love with someone else after Jill but with her it was something so easy.”
“Why don’t you call her for lunch?” I smile while biting into a pancake. “Or now? Even though we already had breakfast, I don’t mind some more pancakes.”
His eyes widen. “But it”s our day.”
“And? she”ll be part of the family sooner or later.”
“You sure you don’t mind?” I shake my head. “Thank you, cupcake.” He approaches to kiss my forehead and seeing Dad happy makes me feel good.
My cell phone buzzes on the counter but seeing another call from Rock I sigh. Why do you keep calling? Leave me alone!
Calling Ashley seems pointless, she won”t pick up my calls. I”m wondering why I keep trying. Because you want her more than you want to admit.
Swirling the keys on my index finger, I get up from the armchair and ride my Dyna to the Inferno, one of the strip clubs The Black Panthers owns in Newtok.
I dreamed of Ash, again, while riding with me. Fuck! She’s under my skin and the more I try to push her away the more I want her. Parking the bike, I get off and storm toward the entrance. Brick nods at me as I walk in.
I head to the bar and sink in the stool. “A beer.”
“On it, Prez.”
“Hey, Rock, welcome back. Do you want a show?” one of the strippers asks.
“Maybe later, Kitty.” Or not. I’m not in the mood at all.
“You look so stressed,” she approaches, her leg slides between mine. “let me take care of you.” Her hand on my crotch is something I’m used to. Kitty is one of my go to when I want to fuck but today feels different and her closeness bothers me.
“They want you on the stage.”
“Oops, I”m the next one.” She smirks. “You know I’m here for you,” she murmurs, kissing my cheek before heading toward the backstage.
Peering around I can see it”s pretty crowded but our security has everything under control.
“Hey, Prez, you ready?” Mac pats my shoulder.
I finish my beer in a gulp and get up. “Yeah, let”s check it so we end this day.”
“How”s your Princess?” He nudges me. “Blue says she”s gorgeous. When will you introduce her to us?”
The fuck?Since when is my life the discussion matter between my brothers?
“Blue should shut the fuck up.” I snap pushing the door violently.
“Hey, what”s wrong, Rock?” Mac steps in front of me. “Does she hate us?”
“No, brother, I haven”t told her who I am.” I rub my face in frustration. “Fuck, she didn”t even know my real name.”
He sits astride his bike, a shitty smirk on his face. “Oh fuck, does she already blow your mind?”
“More than I want to admit.” I sigh while riding mine.
“You know I”m not made for relationships, but if you want to talk, I”m here.”
Yeah, it seems a good part of us chooses to stay single. Having someone by your side becomes a target and that’s the last thing I want. We have our mamas and even more, but still what I experienced last week with Ashley was something new. I felt my heart beat again.
“I can handle it,” I start the engine cutting him off. I”m not a pussy to talk about my feelings or women. I”m not good at this shit. Sure is I need to find out why being with her was so different and how she managed to shut my brain out. Once I set foot out of her place, the voices in my head started getting louder and I couldn”t silence them anymore.
Getting to our lab, we park inside our property while the gate closes behind us. Even though it is in our neighborhood we do have another gate to protect this area and keep it secure.
Doc has done a great job with some new plants that seem pretty popular and less destructive. Is it legal? Far from it. But if our customers enjoy a trip without side effects, even better. Longer life, more money for us.
“This shit is amazing, Prez.” Doc comes closer, stumbling while handing me his cigarette. “Wanna try it?”
“Doc, how many have you smoked?” I ask while Mac helps him stay up.
“A few, maybe four.” He laughs clinging to Mac. “Wait, it was four p.m. when I started so…” He counts on his fingers but I doubt he can properly see them.
“That shit must be cut, it”s too powerful.” I write down a note looking at how many plants we have. If it goes as planned, we may earn at least a million with just one harvest.
I walk through the lab and see the beauties getting packed. I pick one and read the labels. The instructions are pretty simple to follow, which is what I wanted. We don’t need them to drown attention on us, let alone put Harrison in trouble.
Leaving the lab, Doc is seated on a chair, throwing his heart out. “Doc, if you ever smoke that shit more than a puff you”ll meet my best friend.” I warn him, showing him my fist. Fucker! I need him focused on his fucking job and not getting high while working.
The Black Panthers have many businesses: we run legal ones like nightclubs, clubs, restaurants and bars, and some not that legal too. Our charter is the secret safe place where we live. From our members to prospects, mamas and family are confined between our walls. All of us have their own house and a car. Some of my brothers’ women work in the city, running their own shops or working in the hospital. Kids attend school outside too but even though they’re free to move, none are really alone. We do leave them space and freedom, but I always make sure they’re safe too.
We”re independent in every meaning and we keep the city clean and safe.