3. Shiloh
3
SHILOH
D ammit! Why did he have to be so hot? Actually, no. Hot was an understatement. The man personified beauty with those piercing blue eyes with a darker ring around the outside. Then there was that shock of brown hair, which looked perfectly messed up. Hair, I knew, felt perfectly soft between my fingers. Then there was the rest of him.
He may have been sitting down but that didn’t hide his shoulders. And, of course, I had a memory. But his chest was broader than it had been at twenty. And while everything else was hidden, I was one of the many women who knew that the underwear ad he did a few years back, had not needed any photoshopping.
I had no idea why he was in town. There were bigger recording studios in San Diego, and even more in Los Angeles, where he lived. Why did he have to show up here? And what about Ethan? His father rejected him once before. How would I handle it when he pretended to want nothing to do with us now?
I knew there was a chance I would see him. When Ethan mentioned he was recording, there was no way I could get around it. I always figured that since some of his friends lived in town, we would eventually meet each other again. I just never wanted Ethan to be with me.
“Ryder.” My gaze dropped to Ethan and then back up to Ryder. I hoped he would get the idea we should keep the conversation for later. “We should talk. But not now.”
He nodded and smiled at our son, who was looking at him with some kind of awe. Yeah, if there was any part of me that thought I would be able to negotiate the situation with any sort of ease, I was deluding myself.
Gratitude filled me when Layla came to our rescue. “Why don’t we take it from the top.” She turned to Ethan and smiled. “Make sure you get footage of both of us.”
As they sang, Ryder’s eyes found mine more often than he looked at Layla. The oddest thing was that they had phenomenal chemistry. I had seen it a few times over the years when they performed together. Their fan base had hoped they would hook up. According to both of them, that had never happened.
Even though they had to sing a few lines more than once because it seemed Ryder was a little distracted, the choruses were perfect as they looked at one another. I ignored the thread of jealousy spiraling up my spine as I watched them. They were not together. More importantly, we were not together.
It was beautiful to hear their voices harmonize and I couldn’t help but be mesmerized at how comfortable Ryder looked at the piano. Then again, there were very few instruments the man couldn’t play, but he had often joked that the drums were his favorite.
They had gone through the song maybe twice, though it felt longer with all the stopping when the other group of children joined us. Ryder held a finger out to Everly and she must’ve given him the go ahead to do what he planned.
He stood from the piano and clapped his hands together. “Right. So Mrs. Moore has informed me that every year she lets one or two kids sing in the recording booth.” He looked around the room, trying hard to hold back his smile. “Who would like to share a booth with me this morning? We can sing together, and if you want, I can even give you some pointers.”
Without hesitation, Ethan’s hand rose next to me. This was my absolute worst-case scenario. I knew he could hold a tune. More than, actually. But come on, his father was one of the most talented musicians on the planet. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t embarrass himself. At least Ryder had the decency to look around the room before he chose Ethan.
My kid stepped forward and Ryder held out his hand. “I’m Ryder Hawkins. And you are?”
“Ethan Bauman.”
His lips twitched, and I wasn’t sure if he hated the name I had chosen. Dammit, I should’ve stayed away. Maybe if I wasn’t with Eth, then he wouldn’t have made the connection.
“Nice to meet you, kid. Do you have any preferences as to what you want to sing?”
“Make me feel your love.”
“Aah, yes.” Ryder opened the booth for him and allowed him to step inside first. “Are you an Adele fan, or is it more of a Dylan influence?”
Ethan frowned and I swear in that moment, everyone could tell that they were father and son. “Who’s Dylan?”
Ryder smiled and nodded. “Maybe one day soon, I’ll tell you all about the people who influenced my music.”
What the hell did that mean? Did he intend to spend time with my son? A kid he had wanted nothing to do with? How dare he say things like that when he’d rejected Ethan?
Ryder’s gaze narrowed on me. Something flashed in those blue irises. Anger? Yeah, there was some of that. Shock too, I supposed. What I didn’t understand was the hurt I found as he darted that gaze between Ethan and I.
Layla cleared her throat. “Why don’t I take a turn with one of the other kid’s first.” She lifted her hand indicating to Everly. “Ryder has decided that ladies go first.” She watched as Ethan’s shoulders sagged. “He and Ethan will be singing after me. I’m looking for one brave little girl.”
It was possible she had picked up on what was happening. As far as I was concerned everything was blatantly obvious, but that could just be my perspective.
Ryder crouched down so he was eye level with Ethan. “Can you give me a moment to talk to your mom.”
Ethan glared up at Ryder. “Why?”
Ryder looked over at me, and I could tell he was struggling. I could of course let him drown, but that wouldn’t help anyone.
“Ethan, don't be rude.” I gestured for him to join his classmates, checking to see which one was entering the booth with Layla. “Go listen to Ms. Layla and Jill.”
As he moved up to the rest of the class, Ryder led me by the elbow to the back of the studio. When we were out of earshot of everyone else, he turned to me. “He’s mine?”
“Of course he's yours. What did you think?” The nerve of this man. “You were my first. And for a long time, my only.”
Ryder looked in the direction of the children. “And you never thought to tell me?
“What the f— fishcakes are you talking about? I texted and called. You never returned any of them.”
His eyes widened and he looked around the room.
“What are you talking about?” Ryder looked pissed. And I couldn’t understand why. “I waited for weeks for you to reach out. That was the deal, remember. If you still wanted something with me you needed to call me. But nothing.”
Was he rewriting history? “Ryder, I called and I texted. Daily, for weeks. And then after I found out, more weeks. You never returned any of them. Eventually I looked for your manager's number and called him. He said that you were not taking calls, which was why I told him I was pregnant. It wasn’t how I wanted you to find out, but I didn’t have a choice.”
“You told Terrence?” The shock on his face scared me a little. “I’ve had a kid for…” He tilted his head as he thought. “More than nine years, and that asshole never said a word.”
Wait. Did that mean…? My heart dropped. “You never knew?”
“Shi… you knew me better than that.” More than the anger I saw a moment ago, I saw hurt. “That’s my kid. We both know I would have been?—”
“I thought I knew you.” I wasn’t quite ready to forgive him. Not after how his manager made me feel. But I could give him something. “If you want to get to know him, I won’t stop you.”
His eyes narrowed as he tilted his head from side to side. “I will be getting to know him. Starting tonight.”
“What does that mean?” Surely, these things would take time. I needed to prepare Ethan. And myself. I wasn’t ready to spend time with Ryder. Was I?
“Dinner. Tonight. You can meet me somewhere. Or I can bring takeout. But I will not be missing dinner with my kid as long as I can help it.”
“Ryder, you can’t just show up and demand visitation.”
“Visitation?” He raised his voice and the other two chaperones looked in our direction. In a moment, that harsh whisper was back. “Shi, visitation is the least of what is going to happen.”
Was he threatening me? “What does that mean?”
“What do you think it means?” It was like everything was obvious.
Well, it fucking wasn’t. “I don’t know. Because if you think you can come down here and take my son…”
A sob caught in my throat. Ryder cupped my face in his hand. “Hey, no one is going anywhere. I’m in town. I’ll be coming to dinner.” He stopped the tear that had escaped with his thumb. “I need to pay child support and amend my will. Logistically, things do need to change, Shi.”
I glared at him. I wanted to argue. But more, I wanted to believe him. “Fine. Get my address from Layla and I’m making chicken enchiladas. We don’t do takeout on school nights.”
“Is that even a thing?”
“It is in our home.” I squared my shoulders ready to argue with him. “You can bring dessert if you want. Dinner is at five because I’m working the night shift.”
He stepped over to the table next to the guitar stand and pulled two tissues from a box. He wiped under my eyes. His hand went to my lower back as he led me back to the kids. The girl that came out of the booth with Layla was not the same one that went in. Exactly how long had we been talking?
“I’m ready.” He waved over at Everly who had moved to the other side of the glass where the big desk with all the knobs and buttons was. “Do we have a backing track?”
She nodded and gave him a thumbs up.
Ryder moved from me to Ethan. “Come along, kid, let’s do this.”
As he led Ethan into the booth, goosebumps erupted over my skin.
He held the door to the booth open, and Ethan stepped through ahead of him.
He placed the headphones over Ethan’s ears. “You’ll be able to hear the music and our voices but nothing else. I will cue you—” His eyes narrowed as Ethan looked a little overwhelmed. “When I point at you, you start singing. Okay?”
“Okay.” Ethan gave him an exaggerated nod.
“And relax, you’re going to do okay.”
He smiled over at me and motioned for me to record what was happening. I was glad he had the forethought, and I wasn’t sure if it was my benefit or his own. Or maybe he wanted Ethan to have the memory later on.
The music filled the speakers as the intro played. Ethan looked like he wanted to start but Ryder shook his head slightly. I held my breath as the intro played. A few moments later he pointed at Ethan and I was blown away.
Ryder’s mouth dropped open, but there was no missing the smile on his face.
I knew my child could sing. He did so at the junior choir and a few years back he participated in a talent show. He was good, but he didn’t win. Hearing him now, I could see, or hear I suppose, why he was so excited to visit the recording studio.
His voice wasn’t as deep as Adele’s, yet he sang the song with ease, not missing a beat. My gaze got watery and I looked at Ryder who didn’t look much better himself. Then another awesome thing happened. Ryder held his hand up and joined in part of the second verse.
All of a sudden, a song I had always considered a romantic ballad took on new meaning. When Ryder sang of doing anything for the person he loved and the softness in his eyes as he looked down at Ethan, it was obvious the song had taken on a different meaning for him. He was singing to Ethan. The words were meant for his child and that made the dam crack even more.
How could this be? The idea I had built up of him was going to crumble. I could tell. I wasn’t sure if Ryder was prepared for what parenting meant. Did he even want to be a father? How were we going to manage it with him in Los Angeles and me here in Marina De Ferrier?
It wasn’t something I wanted to contemplate. Surely Ryder saw his lifestyle was not conducive to having a kid. Although, one could argue that I had a dangerous job which was not conducive to parenthood either.
“Sing it, Kid.”
Ryder’s voice grabbed my attention and gave me a small nod with a raised brow. He wanted to know if I was okay. I answered the unspoken question with a nod. Yeah, it wasn’t like I was prone to panic attacks. But I did run away with my thoughts and go down a spiral of overthinking and worst-case scenarios.
Watching father and son together scared the hell out of me. They’d just met and already they had something to bond over. I had to be careful not to let the fear override my common sense. There was no doubt that Ethan getting to know Ryder was a good thing. I wasn’t sure what Ryder was thinking but I needed to steel myself. Would he visit town more often? Or he might expect me and Ethan to travel to Los Angeles. I needed to explain that my job didn’t always offer me that kind of flexibility.
As the song came to a close, the whole room applauded. Ryder took the headphones off Ethan’s ears and made a slit motion across his throat to Everly. He bent down to Ethan’s height as he spoke to him. There was a lot of nodding on my son’s part and he answered whatever Ryder asked him. He waved to me, a big grin spreading across his face. Then Ryder stood and the two left the booth.
“Mom.” He was still smiling as he approached me. “Mr. Ryder said I could come back later this week and he’ll sing with me again. He said we could rehearse and record.”
Ryder looked down. “That’s not all I said, kiddo.”
“Oh.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “Only if it's okay with you.”
“Sweetie, it will depend on his schedule. I go back to day shift, remember?” Not wanting to dash his hopes I quickly continued. “But he’s coming to dinner tonight. Maybe we can work out the details then.”
“He’s coming to dinner?” Ethan’s eyes grew wider with each word then he turned back to Ryder. “Mom’s a cop. It would be better if we can work around her schedule.”
“I will accommodate you and your mom.” He looked at me.
Ethan went back to his friends but Ryder never left my side. We both listened as Everly explained the process behind creating an album.
What could we say? We’d both made revelations. And, as much as we wanted to deny things, we both knew our worlds had changed in the space of a morning.
Ryder bent down, his mouth to my ear. I closed my eyes as tingles ran up my spine. “Everything will work out, Shiloh.”