Chapter 4
four
CAMILLA
8 YEARS EARLIER - AGE 16
The first time I saw Julian Perez, I was five. He wore a Spiderman shirt that matched his backpack, and even then, he had confidence most kids didn’t. When he flashed his smile missing a few teeth, my heart skipped a beat and a crush was born.
One day, he passed me a note that said, I like your ribbon. He was referring to the one I wore in my hair almost every day, and it was the first definitive memory I had of not feeling invisible. I preferred the company of books early on, but Julian was the first person to see me when no one else seemed to.
Since I knew another girl in class, Jaime Torres liked him, I never wrote anything back, and it was the last note I received from him. My crush lasted an embarrassing amount of time, but finally fizzled out sometime in middle school. To my surprise, it came back with full force during our sophomore year at Willow High.
Before we partnered on the essay in English class, he was just someone I had a silly childhood crush on and always asked to borrow my homework, but after, he was Julian .
“Your tickets, madam president.” My best friend, Taylor, skipped towards me with the roll of ticket stubs we’d be selling later that night. As class president, it was my job to set up the ticket and snack booths, which was the only part I enjoyed about high school football games. “I can’t believe people pay seven dollars to come watch guys run around a field,” I said.
She wiped the sweat off her fair skin from being under the sun. “It’s called having fun, Cami. You should try it.” She smiled. “Speaking of football, can I ask why I’ve seen you in the halls with Julian Perez the past week?” She was a professional prier, but being best friends since second grade, I’d learned to accept that about her.
“I got stuck with him as my partner on an essay.”
“How’d that go?” I was prepared to do the entire assignment myself, but after we made the bet, I’d never seen him take school so seriously. If I hadn’t seen him discreetly reading Pride and Prejudice with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed him. He insisted on taking our essay the night before it was due to touch it up, so I hadn’t had the chance to look over it before turning it into Miss Knowles. For the first time in my life, I’d hoped for a grade less than an A so I didn’t have to go to the game that night.
“Good, I guess. Julian actually isn’t like the other assholes he hangs out with.” When we all entered high school, everyone turned into a clone of one another just to fit in, including Julian, but that week, when it was just me and him, it was as if his mask slipped off. I saw who he really was instead of the football god of Willow High.
Taylor stood with her hands on her curved hips. “I’m confused. Besides the fact you smiled when you said his name, you always said you’d swallow a jean jacket before you hung out with a jock. Now you’re hanging out with one of the most notorious ones in school?”
I scoffed. “First of all, I didn’t smile. Second, it’s not considered hanging out since it was for an assignment, Tay.”
She pursed her pink-tinted lips to hide a smile. “That probably explains why I saw you searching for him at lunch every day this week, right?” I sometimes forgot how Taylor managed to see everything, and the worst part was, she was right. I found him in every crowded room, and it freaked me out. “Can we not talk about Julian Perez anymore and get back to work?”
Her green eyes suddenly widened. “That’s gonna be hard, considering he’s walking towards us. You might want to fix your hair.” I dropped the papers in my hand and hurried to fix myself up, but stopped when Taylor bursted out into hearty laughter. “I was kidding, Cami. I just wanted to see if you cared how you looked.”
My eyes narrowed. “I hate you.”
Her nose scrunched with more laughter as Julian approached us. Just like the rest of the players that day, he wore his dark blue jersey with his number twenty-one on the front and back. My eyes darted to his biceps strained against the fabric. I wasn’t blind to his attractiveness—dazzling smile, staggering height, dark wavy locks, oozing confidence—but I refused to give him an ego boost, so I showed no reaction.
“What do you want, Julian?” I asked.
His face split into a wide grin. “Looks like you’re watching me play tonight, Camilla Vega.”
I had to strain my neck to look up at him. “What do you mean? We don’t find out our grade until later today.” He showed me his phone, which had a picture of our A-grade straight from Miss Knowles’s desk. I still zoomed in to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. “I convinced her I needed to see my grade early in order to play tonight.”
I grew with suspicion. “How’d you pull this off? Pay someone to write your half, or did your coach talk to her?” People at Willow High worshipped the football players, even teachers, so I knew he was more than capable of pulling strings.
He seemed to be amused by my defiance from the smirk that grew on his face. “You really know how to flatter me, Vega, but this was earned fair and square. A deal is a deal.”
I didn’t want to go to that game. I much rather would’ve stayed in and finished the book I was reading, so I pivoted for another excuse. “I can’t go. I don’t have a ride home after.” I lived around the corner from school, but he didn’t know that.
“It’s taken care of. I’m taking you home after we hang out.” He said it so confidently, as if it was already settled.
“Hang out? That wasn’t part of the deal, Julian.” Taylor’s lips twitched with the need to smile as she watched our exchange.
“It’s your turn for a challenge Camilla Vega: be a regular sixteen-year-old.” He was the only person to call me by my full name.
“No.” I was fully intent on standing my ground, but his soft brown eyes entranced me enough to be seconds away from breaking before Taylor spoke up. “Let’s cut the shit, shall we? She’ll go.”
I gritted my teeth while Julian flashed a cocky smirk down at me. “Great. Wait for me outside the locker room after the game.” As he walked away, I had to pry my eyes from his back muscles contracting with every step before I turned to Taylor. “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Two reasons: It’s painful to watch you guys pretend you’re not into each other, and because all you ever do is sit in your room and read about people who live their lives. How about you try it for once, Cami?”
I groaned. “We’re not into each other, Tay. I just lost a bet. After today, Julian and I will go back to passing each other in the hallway.” I didn’t know why the words put a bad taste in my mouth.
“I don’t get it. You read all these romance books about a girl who’s so oblivious, she can’t see when the guy likes her, and yet, you can’t tell when one likes you.”
I sighed. “I think you’re confusing him liking me with him just being nice.” My parents gave me no choice but to be smart in school, but it made me neglect every other aspect of my life, especially boys. That’s where Taylor usually came in. Not many people could be both wise and headstrong at sixteen, but I always admired how she was able to do it so effortlessly.
“Maybe. Find out for yourself and prove me wrong then.”
I threw my head back and groaned. “On a scale from one to ten, how insane am I for doing this?”
She put her hands on her hips while thinking it over. “A five, but we’re sixteen, Cami. We’re supposed to do things on a whim. Who knows; maybe you two will fall madly in love, and you’ll only have me to thank.” Her long, golden hair nearly whacked my face when she spun around.
She never let me live down how right she was that day.
* * *
I was ten when I realized the view from my rooftop was perfect for watching Willow High’s football games, so on Friday nights, I sat alone, listening to the echoes of cheers and announcers on the microphone. If anyone ever asked why I never bothered to go to the games, I’d just say it wasn’t my thing, but really, it was my fear of being seen. After going to school with the same people my entire life, I decided early on to stay off their radar, and it was working until Julian made me bend the rules.
As I sat in the stands, overwhelmed by the chaos around me, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. “Let me put on record that I’ve been trying to drag you to a game since freshman year, yet Julian Perez is the one who convinced you.” Taylor sat beside me, her eyes glued to the field while she ate popcorn.
“Let me put on record that I’m not here by choice.” In the same breath, my eyes found number twenty-one on the field. He held his helmet in one hand while the other slicked back his wavy brown hair. Even through the sea of people, our eyes met almost immediately, as if we sensed each other. He waved and then broke out into laughter when I jokingly flipped him the middle finger.
It was almost never that a sophomore made varsity, much less became a starting tight end, but he had a family legacy on his side, considering his dad and grandpa both led their teams to state championships their senior year. Their photos lined the hallway in Willow High’s Hall of Fame, and everyone knew Julian would end up there too.
“Any idea where you guys are going after this?” Taylor pulled my attention away. “Nowhere. I’m just going to ask him to take me home.” Proving Taylor wrong sounded tempting at first, but the more I imagined being alone with Julian, I grew terrified. He was the first boy to make my heart race with one glance, and anytime he looked at me, it seemed like he actually saw me, meaning he was dangerous.
She shifted her entire body to face me. “Cami, you had the biggest crush on this guy when we were kids, and now he’s practically begging to take you out. You’re not even a little curious to see where it goes?” The only “experience” I had with relationships were those in books and my parents, and let’s just say I preferred the ones I read. I grew up sheltering myself away from people to avoid disappointment, and it scared the shit out of me that I was willing to forget all of that when it came to Julian, so I had to keep my distance.
I shook my head tightly. “Nope.”
“You know your cheeks turn red when you lie, right?” Taylor wasn’t just my longest friend, but really, my only friend. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t irk me that she knew me better than I knew myself sometimes.
I didn’t have time to dwell before the crowd roared as someone flew across the field. I couldn’t peel my eyes away when number twenty-one bolted farther and farther until he crossed into the end zone. I hadn’t realized I was cheering along with them until I looked over and saw Taylor with a sly grin. “You sure you’re not curious?”
I dropped my hands in my lap. “I hate you.”
I watched Julian walk back to the bench, but instead of celebrating with his friends, he took off his helmet and offered me a wink and a bright smile. It was the smallest gesture, yet I couldn’t get my heart to slow, which meant I was in deeper than I’d realized.
* * *
Taylor waited with me outside the boys’ locker room after the game. My nerves only intensified with every person who walked out who wasn’t him. “If we leave now, I think we can make it to the car before he comes out,” I said with a shaky breath.
She grasped my shoulders and gently shook me. “Relax, Cami. I’m a phone call away if you want to bail, but give it a chance. You might enjoy yourself.” I was afraid of that.
I froze when my eyes found Julian walking out in his letterman jacket and slicked back hair, freshly showered. He seemed completely oblivious that he demanded people’s attention as he walked by them.
“Hey.” My cheeks flushed when he greeted me and Taylor with a slanted grin. “Hi.”
Neither of us said anything else until Taylor cut in. “Okay, I’ll leave you two in this awkward silence. Have fun, but not too much.” She winked at me before walking away, and all I could think was how much I wished I was going with her.
Julian’s warmth ran down my arm when he nudged my shoulder. “I fully expected you to be gone.”
“You can thank Taylor. She wouldn’t let me follow through with my escape plan,” I teased. As he led us to the parking lot, I let out a gasp when his touch on my back made my skin tingle enough to give me goosebumps. “Are you cold? Here.”
“No, I’m fine. It’s ok—” He draped his letterman jacket, which was at least two sizes too big for me, over my shoulders before I could finish. I tried not to bask in his natural scent as it wrapped around me. “Thanks.”
“See, I can be a gentleman.” I looked down at my feet when his face split into a grin, but I still felt my pulse quicken. “I never said you couldn’t.”
“Weird, because I think I remember you calling me an asshole once or twice, or was that someone else?” In my defense, I thought every jock was an asshole. When he wasn’t tricking me into going on a date, he actually made me smile. Before him, I hardly did much of that.
“Julian! Are you coming with us?” A crowd of his friends huddled around their cars and looked at us in confusion when they noticed us walking close together. One outing with Julian, and all my efforts to be invisible started to unravel, but I was counting on people forgetting my face by Monday morning.
“Not tonight!” he shouted back as I got hit with an overwhelming whiff of men’s cologne when I climbed into his old Mustang. Their dumbfounded expressions told me he didn’t say no to them often.
“You don’t have to do me any favors by taking me out instead of going with your friends. Our stupid bet is settled.” It was my last attempt to get out of it before I was in too deep.
His car struggled to start, but eventually, the loud engine roared to life. “I’d much rather be here with you.” I knew I was done for when just his soft gaze made my stomach tie in knots.
As we drove along the poorly lit road, I subtly snooped around his car and saw his backseat covered with sweat-stained gym shirts, enough jerseys for every day of the week, and countless empty water bottles. I wanted to know more about him, but I knew I couldn’t.
“That wasn’t so bad for your first football game, right?” He broke the silence. I would have never lived it down if I’d told him I actually enjoyed it. “It wasn’t the worst thing in the world.”“I’ve never scored that many touchdowns, so for the sake of the school, you’ll have to come to more of my games.” Thankfully, he didn’t see when my cheeks turned red.
“Sorry to disappoint, but that was the first and last time.” The smirk he flashed gave me the feeling that he never intended it to be a one-time thing. Spoiler alert—it wasn’t.
“Here we are.” I hesitated to get out when the car stopped on the side of an unfamiliar road near the woods. “What are we doing here?” It wasn’t until I saw the Leaving Willow’s Cove sign that I knew we were on the very edge of town.
“It’s a surprise.”
My brows furrowed. “Let’s see, a girl on a dark road with a guy she barely knows; I think this is exactly how true crime documentaries start.” I was being sarcastic, but I felt a ball of nerves settle into my stomach.
“Relax, we’ve known each other since we were five, Vega. Do you trust me?” I stared at his hand held out towards me, and deep down, I knew I could. I grasped his fingers for dear life as he led us through the tall grass, and his closeness filled me with an unfamiliar comfort.
He chuckled when I shuddered at every sound I heard in the pitch black. “I’ve been through these woods hundreds of times, and have only seen deer.”
My grip tightened. “When you forced me to go on a date with you, I pictured something a lot less… sketchy.”
He stopped and looked at me with a gleam in his brown eyes. “So this is a date?” Of course, that’s what he was concerned about when we were at the mercy of anything out in the woods. I rolled my eyes and entwined our hands, ignoring how natural it felt to reach out for his warmth.
We finally came to a stop near the edge of the woods, but there was nothing in front of us but old tree stumps. “So, is this place imaginary?” My sarcasm made him laugh under his breath and shake his head.
“You’re hard to impress, Camilla Vega.” He parted a thick vine of leaves that wouldn’t stick out to anyone who didn’t know the most breathtaking view hid behind it. My mouth gaped at the green acres that spread for miles, with a lake that reflected the moonlight, all surrounded by hills almost as high as the cliffs at the cove. We were high enough to see everything, including the next town over, whose lights lit up the night. “What is this place?” I asked.
“Technically, it doesn’t have a name, since most people don’t know it’s here, but I call it The Bluffs. It’s my favorite place.” I kept a mental picture of how he admired the view so fondly. “It’s beautiful.” I meant it. “How did you find it?”
He sat on the edge of the cliff so his legs dangled. “It was a happy accident. One day, I came to look at the Leaving Willow’s Cove sign to imagine leaving it behind. My head was spinning, so I decided to walk through the woods. I like to think I found this place exactly when I needed to.”
I sat next to him without any hesitation, and let my feet dangle over the cliff. “Thanks for showing it to me.”
“Anytime.” He scooted closer so our arms grazed each other, and I found it hard to pay more attention to the view than him.
“How many girls have you brought here? Am I number five? Ten?” I’d only ever heard of him having one girlfriend, but I was sure there was a long list.
He smirked. “I figured you’d ask that. You’re actually the sixteenth.”
My face instantly fell. “What?”
He threw his head back with rich laughter that quickly became one of my favorite sounds. “I’m kidding, Vega. Not even my friends know about this place. It’s sacred to me.” I was confused when my stomach swarmed with butterflies. “Why’d you show me then?”
He looked out at the green acres and sighed. “I see the way you distance yourself from everyone else. Sometimes, I’m jealous I can’t do the same. People around me feel like plants put there just for looks. I can’t remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation with my friends. To answer your question: I’m showing you because you’re the first genuine person I’ve been around in a long time.” That was the first time I not only held sympathy for Julian Perez, but saw him in raw form, when he wasn’t trying to prove himself to anyone. I liked him that way.
“I hope you know that, since I showed you my secret spot, we’re officially friends whether you like it or not, Camilla Vega.” The idea we could ever be friends was laughable not long before that night.
I cocked my head to the side. “Why do you always call me by my whole name?”
“Because no one else does. I’ll come up with something better, don’t worry.” Everyone came up with their own nickname for me—Cam, Cami, Lila, and for a month when I was nine, my mom called me Lala; thankfully, that one didn’t stick. Julian was the first person to ever use my whole name, but I couldn’t show I liked hearing it from his lips.
“You say that like we’re going to see each other more often.”
He spoke gently as a boyish smile spread over his face. “I hope so.”
The question that had been searing my brain since I got in his car sat on my tongue. “Why me, Julian?”
“Why not you?” He shrugged, as if the answer was obvious, and all my senses were brought to life.
“You’re making it hard to stay invisible.” I said while fighting back a smile. There was a moment of utter silence where we did nothing but look at each other, as if everything around us didn’t exist.
“You’ve never been invisible to me, Camilla Vega.”
I didn’t know it yet, but after he’d said those words, I was completely and utterly his.