Chapter 19
nineteen
JULIAN
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Mila’s words were the first thing I heard when I opened my eyes the next morning, and they echoed until my body went numb. I’d hoped it was just a bad dream, but of course, I wasn’t so lucky. It wasn’t what she said that was so hard to stomach; it was the vacancy in her ocean eyes that once held so much love for me. I didn’t want to accept I’d lost her, but she had a flight back home right after the wedding, and despite what I thought, it was clear she wanted nothing to do with Willow’s Cove, which included me.
I wanted to spend the entire day in bed, but I knew Sofia would come to drag me out if I even thought of missing her and Levi’s co-ed bachelor and bachelorette parties later that day. The last place I wanted to be was a room full of people celebrating love and the happy-ever-after bullshit, but that weekend wasn’t about my inability to get Mila out of my head; it was about my little sister, so I put my sourness away.
“Julian? Are you awake?” Mila’s timid voice on the other side of the door pulled me out of my haziness.
When I swung it open and stood in the doorway, she looked fine, but why wouldn’t she? She wasn’t the one who got her heart stomped on. “Hi,” she greeted softly.
I avoided her eyes so she wouldn’t see the restlessness in mine. “Morning.” There wasn’t anything good about that morning.
“Sofia insisted on taking me to find an outfit for the party later, but can we talk first?” My heart couldn’t take any more hits, but her eyes pleaded, so I let her pass me to come into my room.
“What’s up?” I folded my arms across my chest and finally met her eyes. Even after she’d shattered my heart, I relished in how beautiful she looked when she first woke up. It was pathetic how much of a grip she still had on me.
“I wanted to talk about what I said last night. I?—”
“You don’t have to say anything. You’re right. After you go back to New York, it won’t matter anymore what happened in the past.”
She cowered her head. “I still shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.” I kept my face stern so she wouldn’t see the pain clawing at my heart. They said grief comes in stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, but there are no guidelines on how to grieve someone still alive. There she was, standing in front of me, but the girl who loved me with all her heart was gone. “Apology accepted, Mila.” I forced a smile to ease her guilt.
Suddenly, a high-pitched voice echoed through my living room. “Cami! Time to shop.” If I had a dollar for every moment my sister interrupted, I’d be able to retire at twenty-four.
I followed behind Mila towards the kitchen, where Sofia greeted us with a look of suspicion. “You guys both just came out of Julian’s room? Shit, did I interrupt something?” If she was trying to be subtle about her excitement, she was horrible at it.
“No,” we said in unison.
“I just had to talk to Julian about something before we left, but he was still in bed.”
She was never good at hiding her facial expressions. “Whatever you say. I’ll be raiding Julian’s fridge while you get dressed.”
As soon as Mila’s door shut, Sofia wasted no time breaking the silence as she ate from the bowl of fresh strawberries we’d bought from Mrs. Asher. “Okay, spill.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I snatched away the berry in her hand and shoved it in my mouth.
“Oh, got it. You’re still in denial. I thought you’d be over that by now and more onto trying to get her back.” I was already having a bad enough morning without her smart remarks. “Don’t you have other things to worry about? Like your wedding in two days? Get off my case.”
She smiled and flipped me the middle finger. “Fine, but don’t come complaining to me when you’re moping around after she leaves.”
I pushed away her hand that ruffled my hair. “Are you always going to be a pain in my ass, Sof?” I knew the answer before she spoke.
“Someone has to call you out when you’re being an idiot, and who else but me?” She walked towards Mila’s room but turned back. “By the way, don’t forget to write your best man speech. I expect to cry until my mascara smears.”
Suddenly, staying in my bed sounded like the plan I should’ve gone with.
* * *
I was finishing up painting the trim on the house when I heard a car pulling up the gravel driveway. I knew the girls would be out for hours shopping, so I was on high alert until I saw a familiar face get out of the car and walk towards me.
“Elijah Fisher?”
“Ouch, JP, has it really been that long?” The last time I saw him was our high school graduation, which happened to also be the last time anyone had called me by that nickname.
After getting a full ride to UC Davis on an academic scholarship, he never returned to town. At first, our check-ins were frequent, but as the years passed, they stopped altogether.
I wasn’t much of a hugger, but I brought him in for a tight embrace, and suddenly, we were just little kids throwing around a football to each other again. “What are you doing here?” I led him up to the house.
“Your sister’s wedding, of course. I almost didn’t come, but she sort of threatened me.” I laughed at how she’d always had the guys in town wrapped around her finger.
“Have you heard from Damon?”
I shook my head. Just like with Elijah, we checked in on each other often after high school, but eventually, the calls stopped. When I came back to Willow’s Cove, I went by his childhood home where his mom still lived, and she told me he’d taken a job in upstate New York a few months prior. “No, but I imagine he got the same call from Sofia, so he’ll be showing his face soon.”
He gawked at the house. “I never even knew this was here.” No one did except for Mila. “She needed a little TLC, but she’s getting there.”
He patted me on the back with a wide smile. “You’re all grown up, JP. You served in the Air Force, and now look at you, a beautiful house with a nice view. Seems like everything worked out.” It was funny how it seemed that way on the outside, but really, I was a fucking mess.
“Not exactly, Fisher.”
He sighed and nudged inside the house. “You have beer in there?” If you could count on anything, it was that Elijah was always there when you needed him, and funny enough, he’d shown up the day when I felt like hope had been lost with Mila.
He helped himself to my fridge and cracked open a beer I only kept for company. “What’s on your mind, Perez?” I couldn’t talk to Sofia about Mila, and I definitely couldn’t talk to Mila about Mila, so I had no choice but to sort through my reeling thoughts. “Camilla Vega.”
He froze with his beer hovered over his mouth. “ The Camilla Vega? The girl you enlisted in the military to get over?” I nodded.
“Time really stands still in this goddamn town. So, what about her has you looking like a lost puppy?” I replayed the days from the moment Camilla arrived in town, up until she stomped on my heart. “Pathetic, right? Here I am, twenty-four years old, still moping around for the same girl from high school.”
He didn’t hold a speck of judgment. “Camilla was never just any girl to you, JP, so of course seeing her again would have you spiraling. It could happen to anyone. When she goes back to New York, everything will go back to normal.” The thing was, I didn’t want to go back to normal, because that meant a life without Mila. A life where I walked around a house that reminded me of her, in a town where we’d made all our memories.
“I want her back, Fisher.” It felt free to finally say the words out loud to someone other than myself.
“What’s stopping you?”
“She has a boyfriend.” He chuckled under his breath. “You always gotta do things the hard way, huh? I think the first thing to do is ask yourself if you’re still in love with her.”
“I love her more than anything,” I said with no hesitation.
“Yeah, but are you in love with her? There’s a difference. You can love someone for the rest of your life but not be in love with them.” Mila was the reason I believed in love in the first place. Every good memory of mine had her in it, and her name would always be tattooed across my heart, no matter what happened when she left Willow’s Cove. “I’ll be in love with her for the rest of my life, whether she feels the same or not.”
His brows shot up as he finished off his beer. “It’s worse than I thought. If you really feel that way, then you have no choice but to fight for her, Perez. Maybe she’ll see she belongs here instead of New York.”
“I’ve tried that,” All I focused on that entire week was showing her everything she’d been missing out on, but it didn’t seem to work.
“Have you said the words I want you to stay out loud to her?” He took my silence as the answer. “I figured. You haven’t tried hard enough then.”
Another thing about Elijah—he was always right.
* * *
I imagined a bachelor party a lot differently—beer, poker, and other guys. Instead, I had to watch my little sister dance with her fiancé at the local bar. Despite the urge to throw up, I’d also never seen her smile as much as she did that night. She was happy, and after everything we went through growing up, she deserved it.
“What’s with the long face, Julian?” The bar owner, Vance, approached me and slid over another Jack and Coke. I hardly drank, but I made an exception that night to get my mind off Mila, who was making it difficult by demanding my attention even from the other side of the room.
“I’m just celebrating my life going to shit.” I held my glass up to him before taking a sip. I was usually optimistic, but even after talking with Elijah, I couldn’t seem to get a grip.“You’re a kid, Perez. Your life will go to shit eventually, but not today.” He was referred to as the drunk uncle by everyone in town—he was good for a laugh but horrible at giving advice.
“Thanks, Vance. You always know what to say.” He lived up to his reputation when he was oblivious to my sarcasm.
“Another round of whatever he’s having.” Levi took a seat on the barstool next to me and laid a twenty-dollar bill on the counter.
Despite my opinion about the Willow family, I tried not to hold it against him, because my sister happened to be head over heels for him. We’d only spoken a couple of times, on account of my distrust in the founding family. It always rubbed me the wrong way how they seemed to care more about their reputations than the hard working people in town. I knew Sofia was a good judge of character, but I still kept a watchful eye to protect her; that was never going to go away.
“Thanks, but you don’t have to do that.”
“Consider it my payment to find out if your shitty mood has anything to do with the girl over there with my fiancée.” I glanced back at the dance floor where Mila was laughing with Sofia and Taylor over the loud music. I couldn’t help but notice how she looked in her element with them around.
I’d already had enough pouring of my heart out for one day, so I dodged the question by finishing off my drink. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He snickered. “Sofia told me you’d say that.”
Curiosity clawed at me on what else my little sister blabbed about. “What else did she tell you?”
“That you’re in love with Camilla but too stubborn to tell her. Those are her words, not mine.” She never could keep a secret, so at least she was consistent.
“Well, as much as she doesn’t like to hear it, she’s wrong,” I deflected. There was no way my so-called “love life” was up for discussion.
He sighed and waved Vance back over. “On second thought, another Jameson on the rocks. I’m gonna need it.”
“Deny all you want, but we hardly know each other, and even I can see how you look at her.” I hated how easily I was baited into talking about Mila. “How do I look at her?”
A crooked smirk grew on his face. “How I looked at Sofia when I knew she was the one.”
My face fell into a frown. “The difference between yours and Sofia’s story is that you guys get the happy ending. Not all of us do.” When I snuck a glance back at Mila again, her smile lighting up the entire room made my chest tighten.
“Maybe you’re right, but if I were in your position and it was Sofia we were talking about, I’d do whatever it took not to lose her. It beats wishing you did something about it while you still could.” God, he even sounded like Sofia. If anyone told me someone with the last name Willow would be the one to finally knock the sense back into me, I would’ve told them they were full of shit.
“You’re alright for a Willow,” I joked.
He shrugged as if he took the joke with a grain of salt.“We’re not all assholes.”
Suddenly, we were joined by a familiar face. “I was wondering when I’d see you somewhere other than the bookstore.” Lauren’s long black hair came into view when she sat in the stool on the other side of me.
“I have to get back before your sister gets alcohol poisoning.” I’d never admit it to his face, but I was comfortable trusting him with Sofia, and considering how we grew up, that was rare.
“What brings you here on a Thursday night?” I asked.
“Same as you. I need to drown my sorrows. A shot of the usual, Vance. Thanks.”
“What makes you think I have sorrows to drown?” I scooted away when she inched close enough for her intense perfume to flood my nose.
“The fact that you’re here alone was dead giveaway number one, and the fact that you look like an injured puppy.” If one more person commented on how sad I looked, I was going to lose it.
“You’re not the first person to tell me that today. Actually, you’re not even the second person to tell me that.” When I couldn’t hold back my laughter, guilt settled in my stomach. Laughing with someone who wasn’t Mila felt wrong and unnatural.
“I hope this doesn’t come off too forward, but can I ask why you never agreed to dinner?” She swallowed down her shot in one gulp. Lauren was smart, witty, beautiful, but she wasn’t my Mila. Her smile didn’t feel like sunshine, she didn’t light up whenever she was by the ocean, and she didn’t make my heart ram against my chest by just existing.
“If I’m being honest, I’ve been in love with the same girl since I was sixteen.”
She slammed back another shot. “Damnit, I always go for the ones who aren’t over their exes.”
I figured it was okay to laugh when she did. “Sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay. Maybe one day, I’ll be the girl some guy agonizes over at the bar.” She was surprisingly nice to talk to when she wasn’t hitting on me. “Out of curiosity, does the girl you’re in love with happen to be the brunette on the dance floor who keeps staring at us?”
I subtly turned and was met with Mila’s hardened blue eyes. Her dissatisfaction was obvious, which gave me an idea to use it to my advantage. I guess I still had some fight in me after all.