Chapter 20
twenty
JULIAN
6 YEARS EARLIER - AGE 18
By the time I was five, my life had already been planned out for me. It was how every story went—when a dad can’t live out his dreams, he passed them on to his son. My dad played for UCLA his freshman year of college on a football scholarship but had to quit his sophomore year, so naturally, it was engraved in my mind I’d follow in his footsteps from the moment I got a Bruin sweatshirt on my fifth birthday.
Not once did anyone ask me what I wanted, but it wasn’t until I fell in love with Mila that I really knew. She made me want something different—something more—so, when she applied to colleges in New York, so did I. Since NYU didn’t have a football program, I applied to a school not far from her.
I thought it was a long shot, until I sat frozen on my bed with Columbia’s acceptance letter in one hand, UCLA’s in the other. Two completely different paths, and I was going to disappoint my dad or myself with whatever one I chose.
“Julian, can I borrow your—” Sofia barged into my room and halted when she saw what I was holding. “You got into Columbia?” She and I pulled an all-nighter to fill out the application months before, so she was just as anxious as I was to hear from them. She was also the only other person who knew the consequences if I chose the path I actually wanted to take.
Despite what I’d heard about following your high school sweetheart after you graduated being a recipe for disaster and it’d be wiser to go separate ways, I knew my way always included Mila. We were going to be the exception, so the choice was obvious. The only issue was breaking the news to my dad.
Sofia joined me at the foot of the bed. “I’d say congratulations, but your face says otherwise. I’m guessing you’re spiraling over what to tell Dad.”
I ran my fingers through my wavy locks to settle the nerves. “What would you do if you were me?” She was younger by a year, but a lot wiser. I’d deny it if she ever asked, but most of the time, I was the one who looked up to her.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’d go with whatever was going to make me happier in the long run.”
“You know it’s not that simple, Sof.” My voice was calm, but I felt the opposite. Sofia must’ve noticed, because she held my shaking hand while she spoke. “You shouldn’t have to live in his shadow, J. You’ll turn out just like him if you choose the path you know will make you miserable. Be different than him.”
The thought of turning out even the slightest bit like my dad made my stomach churn. He was nothing but a rotten drunk who lived off the ego boost he got from his glory days twenty years prior. If everyone in town knew what he was really like, they would’ve never looked his way again.
“You don’t think going to New York with Mila is crazy?”
She placed the acceptance letter back in my hand. “I think you’d be a dumbass if you let her slip through your fingers, so there’s only one option.”
Another realization hit me. “What about you?” I mumbled. No one talked about the guilt of being the oldest child. Part of you wanted to pack your things and move as far away as possible, but another part wanted to stay just so your sibling wouldn’t have to face what you endured together all alone.
She smiled blandly. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be out of here next year. You deserve to be happy, Julian, so go be happy.” Leaving her behind filled me with dread, but if I didn’t get out then, I was afraid I never would.
I kissed her on top of her head. “Thanks, Sof.”“You want me to go down there with you to tell him?” The edge in her voice told me she wanted me to say no. It was something I had to do on my own anyway.
“No, but lock your door, okay? You know how unpredictable he is.” There was no doubt he wasn’t going to take it well, and I didn’t want her to face his inevitable wrath because of me.
“Good luck.” Her voice carried down the hall as I built up the courage to go downstairs, where my dad flipped through sports channels with a case of beer close to him. I stopped being afraid of my dad when I was fifteen, but it was a known fact he had a short fuse, and I knew the slightest mishap could set him off. I approached him with the acceptance letter glued to my hand. “Can we talk?”
He already looked annoyed by the fact I made him lower the TV. “I’m missing the basketball game, so make it quick.” His hazel eyes had a glaze as he looked at me with disgust. Between us never having a close relationship and him seeing me as nothing but a pawn to live vicariously through, it was a relief to say the next words. “I’m not going to UCLA.”
His anger flashed almost immediately, but since I was expecting it, I was unfazed. “What do you mean?” I knew he was giving me a chance to change my mind, but I was firm on my decision to leave and never come back, so I stood up straighter and spoke with defiance.
“I got accepted into Columbia. I’ll still play football, just not on a scholarship. I’ll figure out the rest as I go. My plan won’t have anything to do with you, though.”
My jaw ticked when his dark laughter filled the room. “It’s because of that girl, isn’t it? You’re following her like a goddamn fool to New York?” His audacity to even mention Mila’s name made me seethe with anger.
“By that girl, you mean my girlfriend of two years you’ve never bothered to meet?” I would have never let him breathe the same air as her, but in two years, he never asked about her once.
“What’s your new plan then? You follow her to the city and then what? Get married and live happily ever after? I bought into that bullshit and look where that got me, Julian. I could’ve played professionally, but instead, my whole life is fucked. I thought I raised you to be better than this.” He chugged down the rest of his beer and opened another can.
He never stopped reminding me I was the reason he never played in the pros. My mom got pregnant in the middle of their sophomore year at UCLA, and the load of parenthood made them both drop out not long after I was born. He blamed me so much that, after a while, I started to believe it was all my fault their life went to shit. I was done holding that burden.
“You didn’t raise me at all, but I feel sorry for you, Dad. Deep down, you know after I leave, you’ll have no one to live through, and you’ll realize all you are is a piece of shit who punished his kids for his own failures.”
He shot up from the couch and yanked the collar of my shirt so hard, I almost stumbled over. “Are you gonna hit me? Do it. It won’t go as smoothly as it used to.” He hadn’t laid a hand on me since I was sixteen and finally stood up to him, but that never stopped him from trying.
“I won’t watch you throw away your future,” he gritted out. I stood emotionless in the face of his familiar rage. For as long as I could remember, all I wanted was for him to accept me for who I was and not who I could be. I wanted him to love me because I was his son and not Julian, a future pro football player. That day, I realized even if I did exactly what he wanted, it wouldn’t matter. After killing myself trying to be the best at everything, he still hated me, but how could he like me when he didn’t even like himself?
I shoved him hard enough for him to lose his grip. “It’s a good thing you won’t be there to watch then.” I bolted out the door and sprinted for my car like my life depended on it. I figured, why delay the inevitable crash and burn of our relationship?
“Once you back out of that driveway, don’t ever come back!” His words slurred as he shouted after me, but the only thing I paid attention to was Sofia looking down at us from her window on the second floor with a deep frown.
I’d come back for her too, but at eighteen, I was helpless. With tears threatening my eyes, I waved before I got in my car and raced in the direction of the only place I wanted to be.
* * *
Despite it being broad daylight, I still chose to scale Mila’s roof and sneak through her window to avoid an awkward run-in with Mrs. Vega with puffy eyes.
I leaned on the glass and soaked in the sight of her on the bed reading. My dad thought my future wasn’t bright, but if all it amounted to was getting far away from him and coming home at the end of the day to see Mila reading, I’d consider myself lucky.
My day did a complete one-eighty when she greeted me with her blue eyes and lifted up her window. “I have a front door, you know?”
I smiled at her sarcasm as I climbed through. “It’s more fun to risk my life by scaling your roof.”
“Why are you here in the middle of the day?” I heard her breath hitch when she saw the evidence of tears on my face. “What happened?”
I held her fingers that gently traced my face. “Nothing I can’t handle.” Everything that just happened with my dad escaped my mind when I held her in my arms.
“I know you can, but whatever it is, you don’t have to do it alone.” As I looked down at her perfect, delicate face, I knew I was looking at my future, and I might as well start planning it.
I guided her to the bed and entwined our hands. “How do you see your future, Mila?”
She didn’t hesitate. “Go to college in New York, hopefully become a writer and travel, then settle back in Willow’s Cove. Why?”
I spoke with a shaky breath. “When you picture that life, am I there?”
Color crept into her cheeks as she blushed. “We haven’t really talked about the future, but yeah, of course you are.” I didn’t think there was room to love her any more than I did until she said those words.
I left a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m glad, because I applied to colleges in New York, and I got accepted into Columbia.”
She went still. “What?”
“When I picture my future, it’s you, Mila. Wherever you go, I go.”
She stumbled around for the words. “What about football? Your scholarship? UCLA was your future, Julian. I can’t let you throw it away for me.”
Of course her immediate thought was what was best for me. “I’ll play football at Columbia, and whatever grants don’t cover, I’ll pay off by working a job on campus. It’s done, Mila. After we graduate, we can start living the kind of life you always gush about.”
I caught the single tear that fell down her cheek with my thumb. “Are you sure?” she asked.
I had never been more sure of anything. I made my decision, and there was no doubt in my mind it was the right one.
I placed my hand over her heart—the same heart I’d memorized the natural rhythm of. “It’s you and me.”
“You and me,” she repeated.