Chapter 29
twenty-nine
CAMILLA
6 YEARS AGO
I replayed my last conversation with Julian until my eyes were puffy and sore. His words cut a wound deep enough to last a lifetime, but I couldn’t shake how the look in his eyes was unfamiliar, like he was pleading out to me. I just couldn’t figure out for what.
So many unanswered questions filtered through my head: were we really moving too fast? Why would he plan a life in New York if he had any doubt about leaving Willow’s Cove? Why was there a small part of me that still wanted him to change his mind? I let out the sobs buried in my chest when I turned and faced the boxes stacked in the corner, ready to be stuffed into the car Julian and I had reserved weeks prior. I wouldn’t admit it out loud, but I was terrified of starting a new life in the city all on my own.
The sudden sound of my parents shouting downstairs startled me out of bed. I followed their voices to the living room but stood hidden on the staircase to eavesdrop. They fought often, but their anger echoed through the house in a much different way than usual. “You’ve only been back a day, and you’re already going off to be with her ?” I was too stunned to even breathe.
“I came down for Cami’s graduation, and now, I’m going back to my life. That was the deal, right, Liv? We stay married so you get to live in this big house with my money while I get to do whatever the hell I want.” The string that tied my relationship with my dad was already thin after I found out about his affair, but it was cut after hearing his hatred towards my mom. Memories of him teaching me to swim down at the cove, dancing on his feet in the living room, and watching him build the swing in the front yard started to fade one by one.
My chest caved at the realization that living with the burden of harboring the “secret” was for nothing. I thought I was keeping our family together by not saying anything, but not only did Mom know the entire time, she allowed it. The pedestal I’d once held her on crashed down, and she was suddenly someone who went against everything she’d ever taught me growing up.
“I’m not lying for you this time. You can call your daughter in the morning and tell her you left for another work trip.” I watched him gather up his bags and slam the door behind him, and as soon as he was gone, my mom’s whimpers carried up the stairs and thudded in my ears.
I was dizzy from my entire world being flipped upside down, but I gained the strength to call after her. “Mom? Are you okay?”
She tried to wipe away any trace of sadness from her face before I approached her. “Of course. Your dad had to leave, but he’s gonna call you in the morning.” I’d seen her plaster on a fake smile enough growing up to recognize it immediately.
I took a deep breath before dropping next to her on the floor at the end of the stairs. “I heard everything.” For the first time, I looked into her eyes and saw how lost they were. I couldn’t do anything except cradle her when she sank into my lap and started to sob, just like she did for me as a kid. Seeing someone you grew up admiring crumble right before your eyes was life-altering.
She spoke through her sobs. “I’m sorry, Cami. You deserve better than this.” In that moment, she and I were more similar than we’d ever been. She was my mom, but also just a girl burdened by a broken heart. “It’s okay,” I whispered.
“No, it’s not. I should’ve divorced him as soon as I knew about the affair.” I knew it was stupid to ask before I opened my mouth, but curiosity ate at me.
“Why didn’t you?”
She wiped her tears but stayed in my lap as she spoke in an almost whisper. “I’ve never told you this, but I had a scholarship to Berkeley waiting for me after high school. I came to Willow’s Cove for the summer to visit a friend, but then I met your dad. My head exploded from how in love we were, and when he asked me to stay, I gave it all up.” I always assumed she hardly spoke about her life before me because there wasn’t much to tell, but it turned out, it was because it hurt to admit what she’d left behind. “To answer your question, I had to sacrifice having a life and a career of my own to raise you, which I’ll never regret, but because of that, staying with your dad is how we have financial security for things like this house, and sending you to NYU to live out your dreams.”
I sometimes resented the way she was always tough on me about good grades and making sure my transcript for colleges looked perfect, but I suddenly had a new understanding that she was nudging me towards a life she never got the chance to live.
“I’m sorry you had to give up your dreams.” I pictured her my age, full of life and ready to take on the world, and then losing that spark as time passed.
She ran her manicured finger across my cheek with a gentle smile. “ You are my dream, Cami. I’d make that same sacrifice a hundred times over if it meant I get you.”
She wiped away the tears that rimmed my eyes. “I love you, Mom.” I’d always said I’d never want to turn out like my parents, and while that was still true, I would’ve been lucky if I was half the woman my mom was.
“I love you more, my sweet girl.” She ran her fingers through my hair with a gentle smile. “Enough about me, where’s Julian? Shouldn’t you two be packing up the last of your things together?”
I didn’t want to say the words because then, it would be real. “He isn’t going with me.”
Her face blanched. “What?”
“He said it’s because we’re moving too fast, but there’s this pit in my stomach telling me it’s something else, that he needs me. I don’t know what to do.” I leaned on her shoulder so she wouldn’t see me cry, but as much as she tried soothing me, nothing filled the void in my chest. New York was waiting for me, but was I a bad person for leaving if I had a gut feeling Julian needed me here?
She sighed, as if she struggled to find the words. “I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re gonna go to New York and start your new life. You know I love Julian, but you can’t stay in Willow’s Cove, Cami. Take what life has to offer you outside of this town, unlike me. If you and Julian are meant to be, you’ll find each other again, but right now, you have to go and not look back. Promise me.”
I blinked away the tears before I said the two words I would live by for the next six years. “I promise.”
“You have to leave without saying goodbye to anyone. Otherwise, you’ll find reasons to stay.” I wasn’t supposed to leave for another day, and there was so much I hadn’t done yet—visit the bookstore one last time, stop by Mr. and Mrs. Wilson’s bakery, one more movie night with Mom, but most of all, say bye to Taylor and Sofia. They’d hate me forever for it, but I knew my mom was right. I had to leave, and it had to be then. Otherwise, I never would.