Chapter 13 #2
Nova: Kenny thinks she’s going to change her mind and come back.
Me: Mckenna?
Kenny: Sorry. I do. Or I did. It just seems like heading to Europe for the fall isn’t part of your plan. I thought this summer was to help you align career goals…
Me: It is.
Kenny: How does that work if you spend four months in Europe?
Nova: Shhhh, Kenny! Stop ruining this for us! It’s only four months, A. It’s an experience.
Ivy: I’m torn. I see both sides… Did you think this through, Allegra?
“Sorry!” I call out to a man I nearly collide with on the sidewalk. I turn a corner and lean against a building, narrowing my eyes at the stream of messages.
Did I think this through? Barely.
Does Europe further my career goals? I could network while I’m there…
Gah!
Me: Guys, it’s a chance to reconnect with Levi.
Kenny: But that’s partly why you went to Boston! If he wants this relationship as much as you, shouldn’t he compromise?
Shit. My stomach sours and I heave out a sigh. Her words hurt because I recognize the truth in them.
Nova: He can’t compromise when he’s selling out shows across the pond, Kenny!
Ivy: Just think about it, Allegra. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you.
Nova: Right, Mckenna?
Kenny: Of course. I just don’t want you to get hurt, Allegra.
Nova: But if you do, I’ll fly out to get drunk with you in London.
Nova: Or Paris.
Nova: Or Berlin.
Nova: Or Athens.
Ivy: You’re a true friend, Nov.
I snort and swipe a hand across my face.
Me: I’m nearly at work. I’ll keep you guys posted.
Ivy: We love you!
“Yo!” Dre hollers when I walk into the house. He’s cleaning up from breakfast. The kids are already at camp.
“Hey,” I greet him, shaking off my friends’ messages and flashing a smile.
“Derek’s in for the music lesson on Friday,” Dre informs me.
I rear back in surprise. When Dre mentioned Derek would do it instead of Levi, I was skeptical. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Dre confirms.
Buck tugs on the end of my ponytail. “Want to hang with me in the soup kitchen this morning? Could use your help with the lunch rush.”
“Absolutely,” I agree.
Dre brushes crumbs from his hands and flips on the sink’s faucet. “That’d be great, A. There’re some boxes I wanted to bring over to the office but if you’re going to the soup kitchen…”
“We’ll take them,” Buck confirms.
“Awesome. Here, let me show you which ones.”
“Okay.” I tuck my sunglasses into my small backpack and drop it on the kitchen counter. Then, I follow Dre into a closet that houses inventory and other needed items.
Dre stacks boxes. When he turns to glance at me over his shoulder, the cuff of his T-shirt rides up on the back of his bicep and I pause. The tattoos are small. Black ink pressed into his skin with perfect clarity. A flock of ravens, taking flight up and under his shirtsleeve.
I squint, recalling a similar, no, the same tattoo, beneath Derek’s collarbone. I dusted my fingertips across it three weeks ago. I imagined pressing my mouth to it, dragging my tongue over his ink, up the column of his neck, searching for his mouth.
I wince. Yeah, that clearly didn’t happen.
“You good?” Dre asks, giving me a strange look.
“Yeah.” I shake my head, hoping to clear away thoughts of Derek. Ha! Impossible. I gesture toward his arm. “Just, your tattoo…”
Dre arches an eyebrow.
“Derek has the same one,” I comment.
“Yeah,” he confirms, plopping the final box on top. Turning, Dre crosses his arms and glances at me, waiting.
“Did you get them together?” I wonder.
He bites the corner of his mouth and snorts. It comes out as a puff of breath, kicking up dust particles off the box tops in the closet. “Something like that.”
This time, I lift my eyebrows.
“You should ask Reign.”
“I’m asking you,” I counter. Frowning, I shake my head. “Derek—”
“Derek?”
“He…confuses me.” And I don’t know if I should go on tour with the band or not!
“Welcome to the club.” Dre leans against a shelving unit. He kicks one scuffed sneaker heel against the toe of the other one before meeting my gaze. “Listen, A, you’re good people. It’s obvious from the second someone meets you.”
“Thanks,” I say, dragging the word out. That didn’t sound like much of a compliment even though the words were kind.
One side of Dre’s mouth lifts in a half grin. Falls. “Your heart’s unguarded,” he continues. “You wear your emotions on your sleeve.”
“I—well, that’s not my intention,” I admit, a defensive edge to my tone.
Dre laughs. He drags his thumb and forefinger across his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I know. You can’t help it.”
I shrug.
“Reign, he’s got all that shit buried. It’s buried so deep, some would claim he doesn’t have it—the good, the heart, the emotions—at all.”
I frown.
“It’s not true,” Dre confirms. “He lets it out, lets it all pour right the fuck out, in his music. That’s his true love. His passion. That’s the place where he’s all in, no take backs, no regrets, no do-overs.”
I straighten, not liking where Dre is going with this. If I go on tour with the band, will I see a side of Derek I don’t know? One I like even less than the bullshit he’s currently flipping my way?
“He’s not all in with people, babe. Especially not with women.
” His expression softens. “Even the girls he cares about. Even the good ones with hearts and emotions.” He half shrugs to take the sting out of the truths he shares.
Pointing at his tattoo, he flicks his bicep.
“Reign protects his past. If you’ve got questions, you need to ask him.
All I’ll say is, deep down, he’s loyal. He’s a good friend.
But you’ve gotta peel back a lot of fucking layers before you see it, believe it, fucking trust it.
” He shakes his head. “Just be careful, A. Heartbreak won’t suit you, ya feel me? ”
Slowly, I nod. “Yeah.” I clear my throat. “I understand.” But inside, my stomach sinks. My toes scrunch in my sandals, searching for a stronger grip on the ground. On reality.
I’m not going to Europe for Derek; I’m going for Levi. For our relationship and our family.
Gah! Even though we’re barely speaking, Derek is on my mind. An enigma, he draws me in with dark glances. He keeps his hold with subtle promises of more. Of possibility.
Dre’s warning levels me because in the center of this storage closet, I realize he’s right.
Derek’s love is music. Full stop.
And my love is people. Being here, in Boston, has only solidified that.
Derek’s a taker. By nature, I’m a giver.
And I’d give all of myself to him until there’s nothing left. Until I vanish and he takes over.
Until the ravens circling above pick me apart. Even then, I’d still wish and want and worry for Derek Reiner.
“Come on,” Dre says softly, guiding me out of the closet. “You and Buck need to get going.”
“Yeah,” I agree, nodding but my mind is elsewhere.
I mentally flip through my interactions with Derek since I’ve arrived. They’ve all left me unsettled. Confused. Uncertain of where I stand with him.
As the pit of dread in my stomach expands, I wonder if I’ll ever move past him. It’s laughable because he was never mine.
But he’s always belonged to me. I’m his Stellina and he’s my first…everything that matters.
Dre sighs. “Talk to him, A.”
I glance up through wary eyes and Dre winces. “And say what?”
He looks at me for a beat before shaking his head. “I don’t know. The truth?”
I snort.
Dre tucks me under his arm and chuckles.
Outside his office door, we share a hearty laugh that leaves me half in tears and half breathless.
Claire may have been right about my finding my own path and discovering my priorities.
But she was also wrong. I’m not brave.
Brave would be cutting ties with Derek. Instead, I’m scared I’ll always carry a torch for him.
That I’ll always long for something I’ll never have.
Be a little in love with a man who doesn’t understand that emotion at all.
No, I’m not brave. I’m terrified.
And now, I’m spending the fall with him in Europe.