Chapter 18
Derek
The sound of Allegra’s moans explode behind my eyelids. The desperation in her touch swims through my veins. Her scent, vanilla and needy, sweet and sexy, burns my nostrils as I greedily inhale.
Give it to me then.
A taunting smirk. Knowing eyes.
A too-big heart. Caring touch.
Her heat on my fingertips, her tongue in my mouth, her panting cry when she—
Fuck. I sit straight up in bed. My sheets are twisted around my legs and the black wife beater I crashed in sticks to my chest, damp with sweat. And longing.
I pluck the material away, tugging on it a few times to create a breeze against my heated skin. My head is too heavy; my mind whirling.
Allegra Rousell is invading my every thought. Even in sleep.
I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and scrub. It does shit to wash away the image of her, keyed up and shattering, pinned between my body and that filthy alley wall.
But fuck if she wasn’t my undoing.
How the hell am I supposed to move past that night? Our exchange.
Now that I know her taste, have swallowed her want and coated my throat in her need, I’m screwed.
It’s been three days since I ground my cock against Allegra’s abdomen, shoved my hand down her shorts, and brought her to climax.
Three nights of night terrors that are as beautiful as they’re dreadful.
She’s too young. Too good.
Levi’s my best friend. My bandmate.
I’ll ruin her, destroy that vulnerability I’ve tried to protect.
I’m not boyfriend material. I don’t do monogamous. I’m incapable of commitment.
I will fucking shred her.
But now that I’ve kissed her, I can’t stop.
Two days ago, I dragged my fingertips across the small of her back when I passed her in the kitchen. Heard her shaky inhale, felt the shiver of anticipation that danced through her body. Yesterday, she caught me off guard, stepping into the hallway from her shower wrapped in a towel.
A bright white, too short towel, that slipped just enough to give me a glimpse of a dusty pink nipple and a perfect teardrop tit. A delectable handful I’d like to test the weight of. One I’d like to pull into my mouth and suck on.
When she caught me staring, she bit her bottom lip, and I swore. Turned right around and slammed my bedroom door. Jerked off to the thought of spraying my cum all over her titties, her wet hair a curtain down her back.
I am an awful friend. A terrible bandmate.
A depraved man who wants the woman I can’t have.
Stellina.
Still, the torture continues.
Now that she’s gotten a taste, she’s jonesing as hard as I am. And so, we’ve started a new chapter. A dangerous dance. A game where neither of us will win.
There are no victors in deception. And that’s exactly what Allegra and I are doing. We’re deceiving everyone around us.
Worst of all, we’re lying to ourselves.
“Damn, I don’t know how A wakes up so early,” Mav comments the following morning. He bites into a Pop-Tart, licking a smudge of strawberry filling from the side of his mouth.
“She really likes working at the group home. Loves the kids,” Levi agrees.
“Yeah,” Mav laughs. “She’s become Dre’s right hand. Not to mention, she’s basically Buck’s sidekick at the soup kitchen.”
I make an espresso. Even though I fell back to sleep last night, the hours weren’t restful. I’m exhausted and by the frustration already flaring in my stomach, it’s going to be a long day.
“Claire really took A under her wing too.” Levi drains his coffee and places his mug down, keeping his fingers tucked around the handle.
“It’s good for Allegra, to have some friends here that are hers.
” He shakes his head. “Takes the pressure off me, you know? I don’t want to be entertaining my little sister all the damn time.
” He cuts his eyes to me. “Thanks again for getting her home the other night.”
I shrug, letting the bitter coffee wash away the guilt that churns my stomach.
If only Levi knew I got his sister off in the alley that cuts behind Taps.
If only he knew that I reveled in watching her fall apart.
It was a natural high, seeing Allegra break under my touch.
Watching the color in her cheeks bloom. Witness the relief in her naked gaze.
Levi would kill me on principle, and I’d deserve it. I take another sip of my espresso.
Mav gives me a strange look. At his watchful gaze, I lift an eyebrow.
He shrugs and turns his attention back to Levi. “Can’t believe you’re fucking Cynthia.”
“Fucked,” Levi corrects. “It’s not a continual thing.” He pauses. “I mean, it’s usually when we’re high so…”
“You’re fucked up,” Mav tells him straight. He shakes his head in disappointment. “Your sister deserves more.”
Levi groans. “Now you sound like Derek.”
Mav arches his eyebrows and cuts me a look. I shrug.
“Pay attention, Levi, before you get in too deep. That girl’s a mess,” he warns. Then, he shrugs again. “Not that I should talk.” He polishes off his Pop-Tart. “We hitting the studio later?”
“Yeah. We gotta stay on track,” I remind them of the album we haven’t completed. “Then I’m doing a music lesson at the group house.”
“Sweet. Then, out?” Levi asks.
Mav shrugs. “Flip’s having a thing.”
I don’t say anything. If the guys head out and get trashed at Flip’s, the house will be empty. Save for Allegra. And me.
A buzz of anticipation rolls through my limbs. Excitement.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time.
It’s the same expectation that fills me before a show. Gathering low in my gut, intensifying, and surging forward when I step onto a stage, a guitar slung over my shoulder, the roar of a crowd at my feet.
It’s adrenaline and desperation, heady and overpowering.
It’s the thrill of the moment, the excitement of knowing.
It’s the salvation I seek and the fact that time alone with Allegra inspires it, feels like a dangerous gift. A bad omen and a sweet promise rolled together.
“You in?” Mav lifts his chin in my direction. He’s got that strange look in his eyes again, like he sees through me.
I force myself to straighten. Stay calm. I’m psyching myself out. Mav’s not a damn mind reader. He sees exactly what I want him to see.
I could beg off. Make up an excuse. I could pretend I’ve got plans lined up with Dre.
“Maybe we can rope Jameson in too.” Levi rubs his hands together.
Allegra’s eyes, darkened with desire, ringed with hope, flash through my mind.
No, if I stay, I’ll cross the only line left between us. I’ll obliterate it in my haste to take her. Taste her. Feel her.
Claim her.
And there will be no coming back from that. No sweet salvation or forbidden touches. No secret glances or stolen kisses.
Only heartache and hurt. Pain and punishment.
Our chapter will close, our dance will conclude, our game will end. By forfeit.
And I’m not ready to let it—her—go.
I clear my throat. “Sure, whatever. I’m in.”
Mav claps his hands, surprised but happy with my response.
Levi’s phone beeps and my friend grins. “Jameson’s in too.”
“All right,” Mav cheers. “Tonight will be like old times. The four of us out together; it’s gonna be epic.”
“Yeah,” I say, even though my heart isn’t in it.
But I go through the motions. I do all the shit I’ve gotta get done for the day. I hit the studio and conduct a music lesson for the kids. Allegra skips it, working at the soup kitchen with Buck instead, and I try not to let my disappointment show even though Dre knows I’m off.
I note that Allegra posts to her social media twice. A selfie of her and Buck making silly faces and a photo of a large group of people toasting together, shouting out the soup kitchen.
Both are sincere and playful. Both are representative of Allegra.
I can’t mess with the genuine vibe she gives off.
So I dress in a designer shirt and black jeans. I touch up the navy polish on my fingernails. Delete another email from my so-called father who can’t take a hint. Then, I slip my wallet and phone into my back pocket.
We head to Flip’s house. My bandmates are keyed up and I force myself to join in. To commit to having a good time.
Mav kicks it off with a round of tequila shots and I try not to think of the last time I took one. The way my fingertips grazed Allegra’s lips when I held up a slice of lime.
We take a photo. The four of us are joking around, shot glasses and red Solo cups littering the kitchen island in front of us. Levi blows a smoke ring, and the drifting smoke infiltrates one side of the photo, giving it a hazy, grainy look.
Grinning, I post it to my official social media.
Caption: Good choices with the boys. (Whiskey glass emoji)
I know Allegra will see the photo. I know it will pull her up short and make her wonder what I’m up to tonight the same way it does to me when I search her socials and analyze her posts.
It’s thrilling, to know she’ll be thinking of me.
I laugh and take another shot. Do a line of coke when it’s offered. Accept a pill when it’s pressed in my hand.
The night is a rager. Time passes in flashes of lights and snippets of sound. In slow motion snapshots and faded recollections.
Sweat beads on my forehead. My palms tingle. A woman’s hair, dark and luscious, wraps around my fist. Moans and pants. Clumsy hands and desperate mouths.
I wake up hours later, sprawled in the center of a bed. A brunette is on my right, a blonde on my left. A purple lace thong is clutched in my hand.
“Fuck,” I mutter, staring at the coffered ceiling. I blink a few times to clear my vision, chase away the dryness that hugs my eyes.
I lift my head a few inches and drop it back against the pillow. My head is heavy, my body weightless. Am I still fucked up?
Probably.
I turn on my side and let my eyes close.
Allegra’s laughter fills my mind and I screw my eyes tighter, pushing it—her—away.
She doesn’t belong here, in my depraved reality.
She never has.
The brunette nuzzles closer, and I let her, momentarily pretending she’s a different brunette. One who isn’t nameless and wasted.
One who makes my heart race and my soul hope.
One who would hate my fucking guts if she could see me now.
I snake my hand under the pillow, pulling back when it collides with my phone.
Snorting, I angle the phone and snap a photo. It’s mostly my naked upper body and my twisted smirk, lifeless eyes. Strands of long brown hair and a shock of blonde waves are in both corners, the rumpled bed sheets evident.
You still deserve good things. Her voice rings in my ear.
No, I don’t. I never have. I never will.
Knowing it’s for Allegra’s own good and my fucking sanity, I post the photo.
Caption: Better decisions with the girls. (Rock on hand emoji)
Then, I roll over and fall back to sleep.