Chapter 19
Allegra
The pain that cuts through my chest is enough to make me double over.
I drop my phone, watching as it clatters to the floor. I don’t move to catch it. I can’t.
Because my vision swims and my windpipe constricts, and the back of my nose stings.
The house is quiet this morning. Empty.
None of the guys came home last night. Other than a text from Mav that read don’t wait up, none of them even contacted me.
Witnessing Derek’s story, him in bed with two women, messy sheets, and a crooked smile, devastates me.
I sink to the floor and drop the back of my head against the bathroom door.
What kind of guy coaxes a woman’s body into pleasure—immense, overwhelming, out-of-this-world pleasure—and then screws two randoms in a stranger’s bed?
My eyes close and tears leak out, sliding down my cheeks. They move slowly at first but as more images explode in my mind—Derek and the blonde, Derek and the brunette, Derek and the blonde and the brunette—they fall faster.
Soon, I’m sobbing into my open palms, hunched over my knees. The backs of my hands rub against bare knees and my denim shorts ride up my ass. I don’t move to fix them. Discomfort has nothing on the heartache I feel.
I don’t know how long I sit on the bathroom floor but eventually, a chime on my phone forces me to move.
I pick up my phone, breathe a sigh of relief that the screen isn’t cracked, and almost smile when I read Kenny’s name in our group chat.
Kenny: We miss you, A! Senior year is gonna be shit without you.
Kenny: (Image: Ivy, Nova, and Mckenna posing on the beach)
Ivy: See, Mckenna came around!
Nova: We’ll see you in Barcelona, baby!
I instantly heart the picture and message back.
Me: Maybe I’ll be back…
Ivy: Uh-oh…
Kenny: What’s wrong?
Me: Why are you all up?
Nova: Gross sunrise runs, remember? Kenny is a tyrant.
Ivy: She’s killing us, Allegra.
Kenny: They’ll thank me when they’re stronger. What’s going on?
Nova: You don’t send us any good stories…
Kenny: That’s Nova not-so-subtly begging for some tea.
Nova: (praying hands emoji)
Me: Nothing good to share… None of the guys came home last night.
Nova: And Reign posted a picture…
Me: You saw it?
Nova: Sorry! Can’t help it. Now that I know YOU KISSED HIM, I’ve become obsessed.
Me: I was 17!
Ivy: Still counts.
Kenny: Totally counts.
Me: I gotta get to the soup kitchen. Fill you girls in later?
Ivy: Fill us in on…? Are you coming back? Or did something happen with Reign?
Kenny: Are you still planning to go to Europe and work things out with Levi?
Nova: Please tell me something happened with Reign! (three fire emojis) I need something to have happened with Reign!
Ivy: Nova is living through you.
Nova: I am. I’m not even trying to hide it.
Kenny: Are you okay, Allegra?
Me: Yeah, just, weird morning… Gotta get to work. Talk later.
Kenny: We miss you!
Ivy: And love you.
Nova: Always. Call us, bitch.
I send a thumbs-up emoji and end the chat. Then, I drag myself from the floor. I wash my face and fix my hair. I go through the motions, trying to stitch up the mess that’s bleeding out in the cavity of my chest.
Derek doesn’t regularly post on social media. So why would he randomly post him and two women, in bed, the morning after?
Is he trying to get my attention?
Hurt my feelings? Or pride?
Warn me away?
Derek kisses me like he wants me, like he can’t stand the thought of not having me. So for him to do this…
There must be a reason. An explanation.
And I want to know what the hell it is.
I spend all morning and afternoon at the soup kitchen, working with Buck.
At first, my pal gives me space, knowing it’s an early morning.
Buck’s witnessed me hungover a time or two this summer.
He usually chuckles or cracks a joke. Once, he brought me a Hair of the Dog from the pub across the street, promising it would cure me.
It did.
But as the day drags on and my demeanor doesn’t soften, my friend knows something is up.
I can’t climb out of the rut I laid down in this morning. My head is tangled up on Derek and what he did, and didn’t, do last night. My heart feels cracked, my body numb. Half of me wants to sob, the other half wants to rage.
If I think about it too long, imagining his mouth on her skin, his hands tangled in her hair, his kiss on her lips, my fingers tremble.
Twice, I dropped trays I was carrying.
Once, a woman had to repeat her order three times before I processed her words.
Still, I hope Buck will let it slide. At the end of the day, when we’ve cleaned everything up and all is ready and prepped for the following morning, Buck lifts both eyebrows. “You ready to talk yet?”
I glance up and manage a smile.
Buck leans against the broom handle, his hand wrapped around its center, his dark eyes steady on mine.
Wisdom wrinkles his face and knowing shimmers in his gaze.
“I’m fine, Buck.” I wave a hand.
“What’s his name, A?” he asks, not unkindly.
I sigh, letting my shoulders slump. “That obvious, huh?”
“That obvious,” Buck confirms.
I roll my lips together, wondering how much to divulge. What do I even say? Derek and I are…nothing. Hell, no one knows our history. No one else knows anything. Is Buck, a Bostonian who is boys with Dre, going to be the guy I confide in?
“You hungry?” he asks.
I shake my head. I have no appetite.
“Too bad.” He clucks his tongue. “I’m taking you for a burger.”
“A burger?”
“And a milkshake,” Buck confirms, placing the broom in the closet. “Come on.”
I don’t know why I follow him. Maybe because he’s old enough to be my grandfather. Or maybe because I’ve spent over two months working beside him, day in and day out, at the group home and at the soup kitchen, and he’s only ever made me laugh. Or maybe because, deep down, I trust him.
I know he’ll give me good advice. An honest assessment. I know he’ll give me the logic and the responses I wish my own parents would. But I can’t talk to them about this. Again, Mom denied my request to have lunch or coffee together. At this rate, I can’t talk to my parents about anything.
I wait as Buck locks up and then match his steps as we walk around the corner to an old-timey diner I’ve never been to.
Buck pulls the door open and shoots me a wink, letting me slip inside before him.
I grin when I see the way the diner is decked out. Black and white checkered floor. Red vinyl barstools, bolted to the floor, in front of a throwback countertop. The servers are dressed in uniforms that resemble the style of the fifties. Or maybe the sixties?
“Hey, Amy,” Buck greets the hostess.
Amy grins. “How’s it going, Buck?”
“Same old,” he chatters. “We’d like a booth if you’ve got one.”
“Sure thing,” she says, grabbing two menus and leading us to a corner.
I slide on one side. Buck takes the other.
I open my menu. He folds his hands on top of his.
After a minute of silence, I meet his gaze. “What?”
He shakes his head. “You gotta order the burger and milkshake,” he reminds me.
I laugh, the first time today, and nod. Closing my menu, I place it down. “Okay, Buck. I’ll have whatever you say.”
“Good,” he says cheerily. When the server stops at the end of our booth, Buck places our order. They’re identical except my milkshake is vanilla and his is chocolate.
Then, he settles back in his seat and taps his clasped hands against the edge of the table. “What’s his name, A?” he repeats.
I roll my eyes. “Derek.”
Buck doesn’t flinch. “Figured it was Reign.”
“Because every girl in the country is obsessed with him?” I guess.
“Nah.” Buck takes a napkin from the dispenser and wipes his hands. “Because when he’s around, he can’t tear his eyes away from you.”
I draw in a sharp breath.
“Boy’s sweet on you, Allegra.”
“No, he’s not,” I say sadly.
Buck frowns. “What happened?”
At his concern, his sincerity, tears well in my eyes.
I’m not used to this—someone truly caring about my feelings.
Other than my friends at UCLA, no one in my life has showed this much compassion for me since…
Levi. From before he became a Clover. From before he moved away and got famous and forgot he has a sister who adores him.
I clear my throat around the lump that formed there.
Buck passes me a napkin but doesn’t comment on my tears.
I don’t know why I tell him. Maybe it’s because his eyes hold zero judgement. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted and have no one else to tell. But my mouth opens, and everything pours out.
The kiss on my seventeenth birthday. The stupid house rules and scaring away the boy at the pub. The kissing. The glances. The touches. The night in the alley—although, I don’t give all the details, Buck certainly gets the point. And then, the social media image. Derek Reiner devastates me.
On top of that, the rest comes out. Levi inviting me on tour. My hesitation about going but also, my desire to connect with my brother. The agony of missing my family.
While I pour out my heart, our burgers and milkshakes arrive. We start to eat, in between my explanations and rambling monologues. Buck is silent the entire time, letting me get it all out. Letting me vent. Allowing me to release the pent-up pain I feel.
He gives me permission to fall apart. So, I do.
Over a burger and a milkshake, I recount my summer and take stock of my life. Of my path. Of where I started, where I’m at, and what I want next.
“He hurt you badly,” Buck mutters when I’m done. “Both Levi and Reign.”
I nod miserably.
“I don’t know your brother well, but I’ve known Reign for a long, long time,” Buck offers.
I arch an eyebrow, waiting.
“You ever think he’s pushing you away for your own good?”
My mouth drops open.
Buck chuckles and lifts a hand in my direction. “Not really for your own good. But because he thinks it’s for your own good?”
“I, he, what?” I ask, not following.
“You’re an intelligent, compassionate, caring young woman, Allegra. Your heart is big, your soul deep, and your feelings vast.”
I put down my burger.
“Derek is…complicated. He’s loyal; I’ve seen that through his friendship with Dre.
And he lives most of his life in the grey.
Morally, socially, professionally. He sways whichever way he needs to go to ensure his survival.
He has to; he’s been on his own too long.
” Buck pauses to take a pull of his milkshake.
To gather his thoughts and choose his words.
“But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a code.
He’s got one and it’s ironclad. Steadfast. His bandmate, one of his best friends, is your brother.
And the band is his family. His survival.
He keeps telling you you’re too big for the life you’re in, for your circumstances.
You ever wonder if he means you’re too big for him and his world too? ”
Buck’s words slam into me, raw and honest and threaded with a truth I never considered. With a possibility I want to reject. Because, to me, Derek is larger than life.
“Think about it,” Buck counsels before I can argue.
“You’re moving forward. You’re loving and compassionate and caring.
You’ve got big dreams and a good head on your shoulders.
Everyone who meets you knows you’re going places.
So does Reign. You just keep being yourself.
If you compromise for him, he’ll hate himself.
And if I was a betting man, I’d say he’s more scared of that than anything else.
He hurt you, Allegra. But you could destroy him.
You just don’t realize it. You have no idea how much power a woman with your grace holds. ”
“Buck, I, I don’t know what to say.”
Buck smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “You don’t have to say anything, Allegra. Just think about it. And finish your milkshake.”
I sputter out my second laugh of the day and do as Buck says.
“Thanks, Buck. I feel better,” I admit. It’s the truth. For the first time since I saw the image this morning, I feel balanced again.
Buck tips his head in my direction. “I’m always here for you, Allegra. No matter what, you’ve got me in your corner.”
Again, the tears well in my eyes but I blink them back.
It feels like the homecoming I’ve spent the entire summer, maybe my entire life, searching for.