Chapter 24
Derek
She’s dead weight in my arms but feels like a sack of feathers. Allegra’s head rolls against my shoulder and her feet catch on the doorframe before I maneuver her up the stairs.
Her eyes are flat. Her expression blank. Empty.
She’s hurting and the pain is so intense, that her body is protecting her the best way it can. Even while her mind sifts through various degrees of anguish.
“He’s gone,” she murmurs, her eyes finding mine. “He really saw me, you know.”
“I know,” I mutter because Buck saw everyone.
Right down to your core, he knew your worth. The good, the bad, the ugly. But he never judged you for it. There was a quiet acceptance in his gaze, a knowing understanding in his tone.
He gave whatever he could and loved you through the rest.
I knew Allegra and Buck connected this summer. It’s impossible to know Buck, or Allegra, and not migrate toward their light. But I didn’t realize how tight they were.
It wasn’t until Dre filled me in that I realized Buck stepped into the shoes of a father figure for Allegra. Much like he did for Dre.
I didn’t realize they had burgers and milkshakes. I didn’t know Allegra shared her concerns and fears, her plans and mistakes. I didn’t know any of it. She told him about Europe. Did she confide in him about me? Did he know I lured her in all summer, just to cast her away?
Did he despise me for it? Or understand, like always?
I hate that I wasn’t there for her this summer as she tried to navigate her new normal. I hate that tomorrow morning, we’re boarding a flight to London. We’re closing this season out, ending this chapter, and starting something new.
And I fucking despise that I’m going to have to tell her good-bye, to tell her we’re really over, even though she’s joining us.
Mav is right; the band won’t survive the upheaval of Allegra and me together. Not unless I make it right and I’m not capable of doing that. I know it, so why bother trying?
I feel sick at the thought of causing her more pain, more tears. But that’s for later.
I shake my head. Shut down my shitty thoughts.
Right now, she needs me.
In this moment, I can be present. I’m capable of manning up to give her the comfort and assurance she craves. For the next handful of hours, I can be the man she deserves.
I shuffle from one foot to the next outside her bedroom door. Is Mav inside sleeping? Will he be home soon? Will he pump Allegra for info or force her to talk about things she’s not ready to discuss?
I glance down at her. She holds my gaze and shakes her head slightly. I nod my understanding and carry her to my bedroom. I kick the door closed behind me and place Allegra down in the center of my bed. She lies flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling.
What do her eyes see? What is she thinking?
“Hey,” I say softly. I peel her socks off her feet and drop them to the floor.
She turns onto her side, her knees lifting into her chest, her cheek pressed into my pillow.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Stellina.” I pull my comforter over her small frame, tuck her in.
She doesn’t respond but tears gather in the corners of her eyes. Her mascara is smeared, her lips puffy, and still, she’s gorgeous. My heart twists and I wonder what the fuck it says about me that I find her beautiful when she cries.
I reach out and drag the pads of my fingertips over her cheek, underneath her eye, around the shell of her ear.
“You want to sleep?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Not tired.”
I nod, understanding the helplessness that grips her.
I’ve felt it before. In foster care. When Simon would beat me, my mind would drift away, to another world entirely, even though part of me remained tethered to the moment.
After, when the band blew up and I found myself surrounded by people but acutely alone, that helplessness resurfaced.
You’re exhausted but your mind races.
You’re reckless but there’s nowhere to channel the energy.
I toe off my sneakers and round to the other side of the bed. Slipping underneath the covers, I wrap my arm around Allegra’s waist and hold her close, pulling until her back collides with my chest.
My hips cradle Allegra’s. My knees kiss the back of hers, our thighs pressed together. My hand splays wide in the middle of her stomach. She arches her back slightly, snuggling closer, but it drags the center of her ass along my cock and fuck if I don’t start to harden.
It’s wrong. Disturbing.
Sure, I want Allegra with the same intensity I always do.
But now isn’t the moment for my debased desires.
Right now, I want to comfort her more than anything.
I want to prove to her that I care, as much as I’m capable of.
That my feelings for her are real and true, even if they’re not enough.
That I know I’ll always fall short, but right now, I’m here.
And I’ll give her every single ounce of compassion and concern that I can.
Until I can’t.
Allegra’s hair tickles the base of my throat. I rub my chin along the back of her head, holding her close.
Outside, the skies open and rain pours down. Torrential. I gaze out the window, watching the heavy grayness expand. It’s impossible to see the other side of the street clearly. Instead, the trees and the brick houses are distorted blobs of shifting colors and shadows.
I close my eyes and drag a full breath into my lungs.
It’s peaceful, lying like this, with Allegra in my arms, and the sound of the rain falling outside.
Allegra’s breathing evens out. I drag my fingertips across her stomach, gentle and soothing.
She places her hand on top of mine, trapping my fingers against her thin T-shirt. I don’t know how long we lay in silence. It could be minutes. Maybe hours.
I’m heading to London tomorrow to start our European tour.
There are a hundred things I need to do. Need to consider and decide.
Right now, none of them matter.
I listen to Allegra’s breathing. I savor the feel of her skin, her heat, against mine. I don’t think; I dream. I don’t plan; I hope.
I’m supposed to be comforting her and instead, she’s giving me the greatest gift. Her acceptance. Her forgiveness. Her presence.
It wraps around me, warm and thick and genuine, and I revel in it. A moment of peace, a stretch of solitude.
Our connection is as intense as ever, even without words. Allegra and I can communicate through looks and touches. Through breathing alone.
She turns, shifting to roll onto her back before facing me. The fronts of our knees bang and my hand hooks around her lower back, my fingertips brushing the waistband of her shorts.
She tips her face up, her nose dragging along the underside of my chin, until she meets my eyes.
“I loved him,” she murmurs.
“He was easy to love.”
“I’ve never lost someone before.” A confession.
“It never gets easier.” A fact.
“I mean, not like this. I’ve lost people in other ways.”
I glance at her, wonder if she’s talking about me. Or Levi? Or her parents? Maybe Cynthia and her childhood community?
“Allegra,” I whisper, my lips nearly lined up with hers. “I’m so fucking sorry, beautiful.”
“So am I,” she admits. She rolls her lips together, purses them. They’re so close, I can feel their phantom touch against mine. The slightest movement and our mouths would touch, our lips seeking, our tongues searching. “I’m still coming on tour.”
My chest tightens at her admission. My stomach clenches. My fingertips flex. “Are you sure?”
She nods, her eyes dark. “I need to fix things with Levi. I need…I need to have family. To belong.”
“You do,” I argue.
“Not the way I want. I don’t expect anything from you.” She gives me the out that breaks my heart.
“What if I want you to?” I murmur the question, even though I shouldn’t. I fucking know better.
And yet, it’s the truth. I want her to have expectations of me.
Deep down, I want her to want me to be enough. To step up and man up.
And fuck, that’s a terrible thing to desire. An awful wish because I can’t live up to it. All I’ll do is cause her unnecessary pain.
“Do you?”
“Sometimes.”
She almost smiles. “That’s not enough.”
“Will I ever be enough?”
“You could be.” She watches me carefully.
My mind unravels at the possibility before me. At what she’s offering—a real chance. The future of my dreams.
“Allegra.” It’s guttural, raw. A plea and a warning.
“I want you to be,” she admits.
“Fuck, baby.” I screw my eyes shut. I can’t fuck over Levi, the band. But I can’t walk away from Allegra. Not like this. Not now.
She closes the space between us. She moves her mouth over mine and I open for her, needing her touch, needing her connection, more than oxygen.
Her fingertips press against the sides of my jaw. My hand that is trapped between our bodies slides under her shoulders, tangles in her hair.
I position her head to deepen our kiss and she tosses one leg over my bent knees, bringing us closer.
I kiss her slowly. Deeply. Reverently.
Her tongue traces the seam of my lips. My fingers brush along her back, through her hair. It’s lazy and luscious. Relaxed and restorative.
She pulls back slightly, drinks in my expression.
“What are you doing?” I whisper, running one finger down her spine.
“Remembering,” she murmurs before kissing me again.
This time, there’s more heat behind her kiss and I fist her hair and grind myself against her.
I’m already hard and wanting. She moans and I know she feels it. The heat, the intensity, the natural chemistry we’ve always shared.
“Allegra, Stellina, we’ve gotta slow down.” If we keep going like this, we’ll cross every line and damn us both to hell.
“I don’t want to,” she admits. She grabs my arm and takes the hand that’s behind her back. Repositioning it, she places my palm directly on her breast. Her nipple is peaked, cutting through her bra and shirt. “Please, Derek.”
I groan at the sound of my name on her lips. In that tone.
“Please,” she repeats. “I need this with you. I want it.”
“I’m not the guy for you,” I remind her.
“But you could be.”
“In another life.” I want to punch myself for turning her down. Mainly because my body is going to mutiny and do its own thing if she says my name again. But also because I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have to. And I’m already going to destroy us.
“In this one,” her voice is steady.
My resolve slips.
She arches into me. Rocks her hips forward.
“Fuck, Stellina,” I swear again.
“Please, Derek. Don’t make me beg.” At her tearstained face and sweet, desperate voice, I give in.
How can I not?
On a muttered curse, I seek salvation. I kiss Allegra Rousell like she’s mine to claim. Mine to hold. Mine to love.
I kiss her passionately. Desperately. Thoroughly.
Our mouths move, our tongues dance, and our hands roam.
I don’t know how long we kiss but when I drag her shirt over her head and discard it, the shadows on the walls have shifted. The grey sky has darkened. And the relentless rain has accumulated, rushing along the windowpanes, collecting in the gutters.
I wrap Allegra and I tighter in my comforter, creating a cocoon that is cut off from the outside world.
Here, now, we’re alone. We can exist in the hope that swells in my chest. In this moment, I belong to her, and she belongs to me.
“The things I feel for you, Allegra Rousell… fuck, you are everything,” I admit on a hoarse whisper.
Her eyes widen, surprise flaring in their depths.
“I don’t know how the fuck to show it. Or what the hell to do with it. But no matter what happens, just know that the way I feel for you, it’s real.” My fingers curl in her hair, my nails catching on the dark strands. “It may not be the right kind of love, but it’s love. It’s fucking something.”
She tips her head up in response and I capture her lips again.
Our kiss turns heated, our touches desperate. And I know I’m going to devastate us. Maybe blow up the band. Ruin my friendship with Levi.
How can I not?