Chapter 5
Allegra
“So, it’s not one, but two, of The Burnt Clovers?” Ethan lifts a wry eyebrow as he idles by the curb in front of my place.
I sigh and roll my head along the headrest. “It’s complicated.”
“Your life seems that way, Allegra.”
I snort and turn to glance at my classmate-turned-friend. “Thanks for helping me out back there.”
“Of course,” he replies. Then, more seriously, “What’s going on with you?”
I shrug. “The usual. It was a whirlwind summer and I’m getting my feet back underneath me.”
“Not living with Nova and the girls?”
“I wasn’t planning to be back on campus this semester,” I sigh. “But now that I am—” I pause and gesture to the small apartment building where I’m renting a studio. “I’m serving at Beirut and doing some work with a homelessness NGO downtown.”
Ethan looks impressed and some of my nerves dissipate. The last thing I need is another well-meaning friend looking out for me. Worrying.
Nova, Kenny, and Ivy have done enough clucking over me, asking questions, and extending olive branches. I don’t need to add Ethan to the list.
“Cool,” he replies, shifting his grip on the steering wheel. “That’s good, Allegra.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I went to Boston to figure out some things career wise,” I admit, shutting down the flicker of pain that works through my chest at the thought of Buck. “And I did. Now, I’m back, putting some of that into motion and taking classes when I can.”
Ethan nods. “Honestly, I’m glad to hear it. And I’m glad to see you tonight. You look good.”
I grin. “Thanks, Ethan.” I reach for the door handle. “Thanks for the ride and for looking out. I appreciate you.”
He snorts and shakes his head. “Anytime. Hey, don’t be such a stranger.” He passes me his phone. “Let me get your number. We should chill sometime now that I don’t see you on campus.”
“Sure.” I punch my digits into his phone and save the contact under Hottest Girl I Know.
Passing it back to Ethan, I lean over to brush a kiss over his cheek. “Good night, Ethan.”
“See you around, Allegra.”
I walk to the front of my building, the cool breeze skating over my bare legs and shoulders. Once I make it inside, Ethan pulls away from the curb and I enter my tiny apartment.
I exhale and let the stress from the evening drain from my limbs. I pour myself a glass of wine and kick back on the couch, my eyes closing. Mentally, I flip through moments from the day.
My meeting with Dex. Talking.
A hot yoga class.
And then, from the night.
Mav. Derek. Ethan.
Concern. Anger. Worry.
What a fucking shit show.
My phone beeps and I glance at the screen.
Unknown: I better be the Hottest Guy I Ever Met in your phone.
I laugh and take a sip of my wine.
Me: Thanks for the ride, Ethan.
Ethan: Sweet dreams.
Sweet dreams, Stellina. Derek’s voice sounds in my ear.
Ugh. Before I toss my phone down, another message comes through on my girl group chat.
Nova: YOU SAW HIM? And you haven’t messaged us yet…
Ivy: What gives, A?
Me: I *just* got home.
Kenny: How? Did you drive? Did you drink?
Me: Relax. I ran into Ethan from sociology.
Nova: Dresden? He’s the best!
Ivy: Of course, you know him.
Nova: Not my fault you don’t socialize.
Kenny: That was nice of him to give you a ride.
Nova: I’m surprised Reign didn’t take you home…
Me: How do you even know I saw him?
Ivy: (image of me and Derek talking at the bar)
Me: Seriously? There are photos?
Nova: It’s kind of cool that your life is legit news.
Me: It’s not.
Kenny: Social media gossip handles are *not* news.
Ivy: They could be.
Kenny: What happened?
Me: He was pissed off that I was talking to Ethan.
Nova: YAY!
Ivy: Stop it!
Kenny: No apology? No explanation?
Me: No, nothing.
Kenny: Good riddance, Derek Reiner.
Nova: Nah, he’s gonna win you back, A.
Me: (six laughing face emojis)
Me: He’s in town for like a weekend…
Ivy: Bet you he extends his trip now.
Nova: Totally.
Kenny: Doesn’t he have work?
Nova: Please. He can afford to take off and woo our girl.
Me: I don’t want to be “wooed.”
Nova: I do.
Ivy: (emoji of girl raising her hand) Girl, same.
Kenny: (two eye roll emojis)
Nova: Let’s do brunch tomorrow?
Me: I’d love to, but I made plans with Mav.
Kenny: I have an alumni lunch with some of my dad’s old fraternity brothers tomorrow afternoon. Want to do a morning run?
Ivy: Fuck no!
Kenny: Come on, we could get coffee afterwards.
Nova: Doughnuts?
Kenny: I’ll buy them.
Me: I haven’t run in forever. I’d hold you all back.
Kenny: We’ll do a beginner route.
Ivy: Fine. If A is in, I’ll go.
Nova: Please, Allegra! We haven’t seen you in years.
Me: It’s been a week.
Nova: Exactly. It’s been ages.
I snort to myself. I miss my friends. Coming back to LA after my summer in Boston was a tough transition.
Everything is different now and I don’t feel the same as when I left.
I’m not the same person and my outlook is different.
While my relationships with my friends have strained a bit, that’s on me.
They haven’t stopped giving me their support and extending invitations to hang out.
I miss them. I miss the easy camaraderie we used to have. I miss living with them and hanging out late nights, talking about everything and anything.
Me: Okay.
Ivy: YES!
Nova: Our corner at 7a.m.?
Kenny: I’m in.
Me: See you girls there. XO
Kenny: Good night.
I drop my phone on the end table and take another pull from my wine glass.
The bold red is delicious and soothes the tension I’ve carried around all day.
Knowing I need a good night’s rest, especially if I’m going to meet the girls early to run, have brunch with Mav, head downtown to the NGO headquarters, and work a shift at Beirut tomorrow night, I get off my ass to swipe the sleeping pills I jacked from a girl I work with.
I shake two out of the container and hold them in the palm of my hand.
It’s normal to need a little assistance to get good z’s when one is burning both ends of the candle the way I am. Self-medicating is better than no-medicating, right?
Shaking my head at myself, I pop the tablets into my mouth and wash them down with a swig of wine.
Then, I plop down in front of the TV and turn on a new matchmaking show on Netflix.
As I get caught up in the various storylines and dramas playing out on screen, it dulls the real dramas of my life.
The pills and wine slow my thoughts. My shoulders fall, my neck drops back, and my eyes close.
Slowly, I drift off to sleep. My body is peacefully numb. My mind, finally quiet.
There are no thoughts of Derek. No anger toward Mav. No resentment for Levi.
No excuses for my friends or worries over my classes. No grief for Buck.
There’s nothing but an empty expanse that stretches long and far, infinitely. I slip into it and let it pull me under.
Relief fills my veins.
I wake the next morning with a start.
“Shit,” I mutter, gripping the back of my neck.
Falling asleep on the couch wasn’t my best idea since I’ve got a crick in my neck and a wine stain on my couch.
“Fuck.” I glare at the red patch for good measure.
Checking my phone, I groan when I realize the time. It’s already 9 a.m. and I’ve missed the run. Glancing down at my bodycon dress from last night, I know I need a shower.
I reach for my phone and wince when I read the texts from my friends.
Kenny: I’m on our corner.
Nova: Allegra!! Are you coming?
Ivy: Girl, where you at?
Kenny: Are you okay?
Nova: Don’t bail on us again, A. I cancelled an 8 a.m. tutoring session and my TA is so many chili peppers hot.
Ivy: Are you still coming? Do you want us to wait?
Kenny: We went for a run! Sorry, I need to get ready for that alumni lunch. Talk to you later.
Nova: We already got doughnuts. Message us and let us know you’re good.
Me: I’m so fucking sorry, guys. I overslept.
Ivy: Again?
Nova: Not cool, A. This is like the third time you’ve bailed on us.
Me: I’m really sorry. I swear it won’t happen again.
Crickets because, no one believes me.
Shit, I don’t believe myself.
Heaving out a sigh, I drag myself up and throw myself into a shower. The hot water washes away some of my grogginess. I’ll make it up to the girls. But right now, I’ve got to get ready to meet Mav. Then, my volunteer work with the NGO. And end the night at Beirut.
I don’t have time to worry about my friends’ feelings. It was a mistake, an accident, and I’ll do better next time.
I blow dry my hair and dress quickly. I grab an energy drink on my way out the door and head to the restaurant for brunch.
Ethan: (sends link: Are things heating up between our favorite rockstar and his bandmate’s little sister?)
I groan. It’s another photo of me and Derek at the bar last night. From this angle, Derek looks pissed, and I look…well, starstruck. The way I always feel around him.
Ethan: It’s ridiculous what people publish.
I exhale, relieved he’s not buying into the story even though I feel its truth rattle around my veins.
Me: So dumb.
Ethan: It was great to see you last night. Want to grab a coffee if you’re on campus tomorrow?
Me: I’d love to, but I have work after class. Rain check?
Ethan: I’m holding you to that.
I grin as a flutter shimmies down my rib cage. Biting my bottom lip, I think about what it would feel like to kiss Ethan Dresden. Would he push the memory of Derek from my mind? Would he erase Derek’s taste from my lips?
Can he help me move on the way I’ve been trying to since I woke up in Derek’s bed, alone and heartbroken?
I slide my phone into my back pocket and head toward the restaurant.
God, I hope so.