Chapter 9
Derek
He straightens when he sees me. With his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, his hair styled in a trendy fashion, and his eyes—the same shade as mine—boring into me, there’s no doubt in my mind that Dex is my biological father.
My gut confirms what the paternity test already proved.
He’s got an edge to him, a swagger, that’s innate. He’s a little closed off, a touch aloof, maybe even unapproachable. I know that look; I wear it daily.
But where Dex is different, more mature I guess, is in his ability to drop the mask and grin. A real fucking smile, when he sees me.
“Glad you came,” he tosses out, his tone casual. But I see the relief in his eyes. Knowing he wants to connect with me, that he didn’t give up when I tossed up roadblock after speed bump, soothes something I didn’t know I needed.
It allows me to relax. To drop my guard a bit. To fucking smile back. “Yeah.”
“This place does a mean mushroom burger,” Dex says, pulling open the door for me.
I snort. “I love mushrooms.”
He grins. “Me too.”
He doesn’t tack on anything else. Like father, like son. Or one of those hokey bullshit lines. I like that about him.
I hang back as he talks to the hostess. We’re led to a high-top table in the back of what appears to be a trendy, yet low-key, sports bar. It’s clean and contemporary but with a chill vibe instead of the flashiness of LA.
I slide onto a barstool. We order a couple of Cokes.
“How’s Allegra?” Dex asks. Poor bastard. He probably thinks she’s a safe topic. An icebreaker.
I sigh. “She’s not doing too great.”
His eyes snap to mine. Pure concern in his gaze. Fuck, my chest squeezes. The fact that he cares for my girl, looks out for her, endears him to me more.
“She was pregnant,” I continue, watching his expression for any sign of judgement.
There’s none. Just compassion and worry. Fucking love. But who doesn’t love my Stellina?
“It was…ours. Mine and hers.” I clear my throat. “Ectopic,” I spit out the word. Meet his eyes. “That’s when—”
Dex dips his head. “Unviable.”
“Yeah,” I say, relieved I don’t have to explain it. I hardly understand all the intricacies myself. “They gave her a shot to stop the growth and…” I shrug.
Dex nods. Meets my eyes again. “How are you holding up? Processing?”
Fuck. Something kicks behind my breast plate. The back of my nose burns and my tongue feels too thick, too big, for my fucking mouth. I’ve been so focused on my Stellina, so worried about her, that considering my own feelings seemed selfish.
Haven’t I been selfish enough?
I clear my throat. Turn away and stare at a ball game playing out on TV.
Dex glances at a menu he doesn’t need to read, giving me space to pull my shit together.
Our Cokes arrive and I grasp the cold glass. Dex orders two mushroom burgers, shooting me a quick glance. I nod my acceptance, grateful he’s taking the lead here.
When our server is gone, I exhale. “It’s a lot,” I admit.
“I’ll say,” he agrees, gripping his drink. “I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn’t.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“When you love someone the way you obviously care for Allegra, it’s for life. The worry, the concern, the caring, it gets bigger. Keeps growing. Even more so when you have a kid.” He shrugs. “I’m sorry for your loss, Derek. Real fucking sorry.”
“Thank you,” I murmur. He’s the first person to address my feelings on the issue. I lift my Coke higher, tip it toward him, and take a swig.
“You sticking around?” Again, there’s no judgement in his tone. Is that part of being a parent? Showing up for your kid in whatever capacity they need and not judging them for the choices that got them into the mess they’re in?
A bead of anger pulses through me as I think of Allegra’s parents. Where the hell are they? How could they not show up when she’s suffering like this?
Do they even know? Did Levi tell them?
I sigh, recalling an exchange I had with Mrs. Rousell many, many years ago.
I’ll look out for him, I promised her.
Please, keep him safe. He’s not prepared for the world the way you are. This is all he knows. She pointed to her small house on the hill.
He’s made for more, I declared. He deserves more.
Her eyes were sad when they met mine. I didn’t fully understand her look, but it was filled with heartache. Longing. I’ll pray for you.
I fucking laughed. I didn’t want anyone’s prayers.
Maybe I should’ve thanked her.
Hell, I could use some fucking deity vibes.
And I could’ve used a parent a long time ago.
But now, you have Dex.
I shake the thought away. I barely know the man sitting across the table from me. And yet, something in his sharp gaze lets me know he’s sticking around. Even if I don’t.
But… “Yeah. I am. I’m here for her. Whatever she needs,” I say.
The side of his mouth tugs up, the same way mine does when I’m trying not to smile. “Good.”
I sip my Coke.
Dex heaves out a sigh. “I didn’t know about you,” he says out of nowhere.
Okay, we’re doing this. I sit up straighter, hunch forward over the table.
“I only learned when your mother passed,” he admits. “And then, I wasn’t in the right shape to reach out to you. But, knowing about you, fuck, what a wakeup call. Thank you, Derek.” He tips his glass toward me like a salute.
“For what?”
Dex smirks. “You got me clean. Sober. No way I would’ve taken that step without a relationship with you to hope for.”
“You went to rehab?” I blurt out, my eyebrows knitting.
“Yep. Got sober, got out, changed my life. Made new fucking friends. And started Beirut.”
“It’s a successful club.”
“It pays the bills.” Great, he’s modest too.
“And Allegra?” I ask.
“I had no fucking clue,” Dex barks out a laugh. “I was knocked on my ass when I saw you with her. She’d been talking about an ex—”
“I was never just her ex,” I clarify. She was always my North Star.
Dex grins. “But I had no idea it was you. This is LA, man. There’s as many musicians as actors and lawyers.”
“Yeah,” I snort, seeing his point. “That’s fair.”
“After you bounced, she pulled back,” he admits. “Came by for her last check and it was good to see that she was okay. That you guys were talking. She’s one hell of a woman; I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me too,” I agree. “I didn’t know my mom died until…you know, you.”
Dex frowns, his eyebrows knitting together. “No one told you?”
I shrug. “Must’ve been one of those cases that slipped through the cracks.” I can’t hide the bitterness in my tone and Dex catches it.
His eyes narrow. “I sense you were one of those cases a lot.”
I nod. “Too many times.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry. If I had known…”
“Yeah. You and my mom…was it, well, what was it?”
Dex sighs. “Judy was a beautiful and vivacious woman. So full of life. Smart and happy.” He squints, as if he’s conjuring an image of her in his mind. “It was a summer. Not even. It was a July that I could’ve lived in forever.”
I hunch closer, drawn to his words. I wish I could step into this picture he’s painting and live in it for a minute. “Where’d you meet?”
Dex grins. “We met on the Fourth of July. In Boston, near the waterfront. It was rough then, the South side. She was wearing an American flag as a tube top. She had long hair, blonde—your mother. And blue, blue eyes. Not like you, sorry, man.” He points to his brown eyes.
“These guys started messing with her and…”
“You stepped in,” I supply.
He nods. “Ended up with a split lip.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Judy dragged me to an Irish pub to get some ice. We had a pint and…”
“It was a month,” I conclude.
“One of the best of my life. But then, I had to get back to college. I was studying in Indiana. I was only supposed to be in Boston for the Fourth weekend, sleeping on my buddy’s couch.
I stayed, for her. But when August rolled around, she wouldn’t see me.
Said there was no point, since I was leaving, and she was staying.
That we were a summer fling, and I had my whole future ahead of me.
She never told me she was expecting. She never told me anything.
I went down to the waterfront to see her, and she was there, flirting and laughing with the same guy who busted my lip. I was young and—”
“I would’ve been fucking furious,” I interject, imagining if Allegra pulled that shit with me. Recalling the way I reacted at Taps over the summer, dragging her right off the damn bar.
“I was. I took off, went back to Indiana, and never heard from Judy again.” Dex takes a gulp of his Coke.
Our mushroom burgers arrive, and our conversation pauses as we thank the server and fix our plates. Salt, pepper, ketchup.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
He glances up. “For what?”
“For all the years I spent resenting you. Fuck, I fucking hated that I had a dad who bailed. Mom was good in the early years but once she started messing with drugs, I ended up in foster care. And that was…”
Dex’s grip on the edge of the tabletop tightens. Hard.
“It was hell,” I admit. “And I hated you for leaving me in that situation.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, the blood draining from his face. I know he’s imagining countless horrors. I don’t say anything to ease his mind because my experiences, as a kid, were fucking horrors. The things nightmares are made from.
But… “I got through it. Made some solid friendships. Formed the band. I’m resilient, Dex. Guess I get that from you.”
He nods slightly. “I wish I gave you a lot more than that, Derek.”
I stare at him for a long moment. Watch as he picks up his burger, takes a bite, chews thoughtfully.
Do I still want a dad? Could this mean something real? Something more than a common courtesy, let’s meet and clear the air?
I think of everything Allegra told me about this man. My father.
I release an exhale. “You still can,” I tell him.
His eyes snap to mine. They’re dark and glinting. But in the center, right around his pupils, hope flares.
Fucking hope. It’ll kill you every damn time.
“I’d like that,” he says, not making it more than what it is. An olive branch.
“Me too,” I quip, before picking up my burger.
We eat in silence for a few moments. Dex navigates our conversation to lighter topics. Now that the heaviness of the first meeting is out of the way, we talk music. Sports. Life in LA.
I tell him about River Wells. He asks if I want to distribute to Beirut.
He tells me about the years he spent in the Middle East and the woman he fell in love with in Lebanon, the reason why he named his club after a city once deemed the “Paris of the Middle East.”
We laugh. Rattle off a few jokes. Fucking bond.
He picks up the tab and I let him. When he extends a hand, I shake it firmly. We agree to meet the following week, for more burgers.
And as I drive back to Allegra’s place, I realize I can’t wait to see her. To tell her about my meeting with Dex. To talk to her about the father I’m getting a chance to know.
Even as the sorrow of our loss hangs low in my gut, the hope in my chest swells larger.
That fucking hope that just won’t quit.
I’m gutted that Allegra and I lost a baby. But I also know there’s a future for us. I hope it’s one with children.
Given her upbringing, does she want kids? Would she want to try again? When she thinks of her future, what does she see?
For me, it’s so clear now. Fucking obvious, like a neon sign.
I want her. I want to create the family I never had.
The one I’m still fucking hoping for.