Chapter 10
Allegra
“How’d it go?” I ask over my shoulder when he comes through the front door.
Derek pauses in the foyer, freezes like the image of me pulls him up short. I glance down at the matching pajama set Nova sent me. I turn away to continue stirring the honey in my tea.
When I don’t hear his approach, I glance back at him. “What’s wrong?”
A slow smile rolls over Derek’s face. He shakes his head once, as if to clear it, as if to tell me absolutely nothing is wrong when every fucking thing sure isn’t right. But at the sight of his boyish, flippant gesture, my body relaxes.
Derek walks over and wraps his arms around me from behind, his hands clasping right below my belly button.
Fruit slice. I try not to wince.
Derek nuzzles his cheek against mine and presses a kiss to my shoulder.
“It went well?” I inquire, my body further relaxing at his sweetness. It must have gone well for Derek to be at ease. I melt into his frame and pull in a cleansing breath. Maybe things are changing for the better. Maybe this cautious optimism is the first step forward.
He heaves out an exhale. “Better than I thought.”
I turn in his arms to see his face. “And?”
His eyes hold mine. He grins. “He, Dex, he’s a good guy.”
“He is,” I agree.
“Told me about my mom,” he tacks on.
I gesture toward the table and Derek pulls out a chair for me. Once I’m seated, he moves toward the kitchen and pours a mug of tea for himself while the kettle is still hot. We sit together, sipping our teas, our eyes meeting and holding.
And it feels familiar. Easy. Even given the recent distance between us.
“He really didn’t know about me,” Derek admits.
“Yeah,” I breathe out softly.
“Fuck,” he chuckles. Turning away, he grips the back of his neck.
When he meets my eyes again, his are filled with a maturity, a wisdom, that wasn’t there a few weeks ago.
“It’s hard to be angry with a guy who didn’t know you existed.
He tried to do right by my mom but she…” Derek trails off.
Clears his throat. “She pushed him away. And the way he tells it, it’s as if she didn’t want to tie him down.
It’s as if she looked at him and knew, this guy could do something real, something that matters.
She cut him loose not to hold him back and then…
” He bites his bottom lip. Emotion swells in his eyes and he blinks faster.
I reach across the table to place my hand on his.
“And then she cost me a father. Fuck, Stellina, it’s hard to be angry with a dead woman too. ”
“Derek,” I murmur. Sliding from my chair, I round the table and move to sit on the chair beside his.
But he doesn’t let me. Instead, his arms dart out. They wrap around my waist and pull me into his frame. I sit on his lap as he wraps me in his arms. I drape my arms around his neck, hold his cheek to my chest.
His grip is relentless. His pain is tangible, scenting the air with despair and regret. I squeeze him tighter. This time, it’s me, holding the pieces of him as he cracks. Breaks. Accepts what is and what will never be.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“I am too,” he admits. Clearing his throat again, he peers back up at me.
“That’s the worst fucking part. I’m sorry.
Sorry about the wasted fucking years. Sorry my mom couldn’t hold it together the way she probably thought she would.
Sorry Dex lived half his life never knowing he had a kid.
Sorry I missed out on all those years with both of them.
And so fucking sorry, goddamn remorseful, Allegra, that I couldn’t be the man you needed when you needed me.
I sound like a broken record. How many times am I going to apologize to you?
How many times am I going to fucking fail? ”
“Derek.” I place a palm on his cheek. “Listen to me. You didn’t leave me, you left—”
“Because I couldn’t handle the truth. I couldn’t process it,” he cuts me off.
“It was a lot to process,” I say gently.
He shakes his head. “But you deserve a guy that can handle it. The one that won’t fucking crack.”
“Sometimes we need to crack so we can heal even stronger. Become resilient. Being weathered isn’t the same as being broken.”
“I love you, Allegra,” he says the words resolutely.
Like a thunderclap. A proclamation. “I love you so fucking much. And I don’t know what you want, or what you envision, or any of it.
But I want you. I want your future. I want to marry you one day and put my babies in your belly.
” His hand grips my abdomen protectively.
“I want to grow a fucking family unlike the ones we came from. A family that’s all about the love and the moments.
I want it all with you, my little star. And it makes me so fucking hopeful, more excited than terrified.
That’s how I know it’s true. I know it in my bones. It’s me and you.”
I blink at him.
Holy shit.
I wasn’t expecting that. The declaration, the promise, the knowing.
“I need you to mean it,” I whisper, too scared to fall again. To give my heart and my head over to what he’s offering.
“I’ll prove it to you. I promise.” His eyes bleed with sincerity. Certainty.
And something inside me shifts. I’ve known a part of Derek he doesn’t show the world since the night of my seventeenth birthday.
None of those girls hold a candle to a little star like you.
He saw me when I was invisible. He kissed me that night but the confidence he slipped into my mouth took root and blossomed. He gave me a gift and I never forgot it.
With his dark eyes pouring apologies and hopes, dreams and wants, into mine, I kiss him.
It’s a press of lips at first. Sweet and sincere. Tender and heartfelt. But when he parts his lips, my tongue slips inside and I kiss him.
Years ago, Derek changed my world with a simple first kiss.
Today, I promise him a future with a different type of exchange.
Our lips move over each other’s slowly. Our tongues meet and dance, touch and taste.
I slip him forgiveness and he sips my sorrow. I share the grief lining my bones and he steps into its shadow, beside me. My lips flutter hope over his and his fingers hold my frame with the stability I’ve yearned for.
Our kiss turns hungry, and I shift in his lap. Practically straddling him, I moan lightly as he stiffens beneath me. My fingers toy with the hair at the back of his head. His hold on me tightens. He drags his mouth away from my lips and kisses down the column of my neck. I arch into him.
I want this. Everything he promised me. The future, the ring on my finger, and the babies in my belly.
Yes, it’s too soon. Of course, the timing is all wrong.
But I can see it. With the same clarity of his words, I can imagine his heart’s desires.
Because I want it—him—too. I always have.
“Derek,” I murmur.
“Hmm?” he asks before he pushes to his feet, swinging me in his arms. He carries me to my bedroom and places me in the center of the bed.
Sitting beside me, he brushes my hair from my face. “You need rest, beauty.”
“I’m okay,” I tell him.
“I know you are. You’re strong and brave and fucking resilient. But you need rest. And I need your forgiveness.”
I frown. “You have it.” I point toward the kitchen. “I gave it to you.”
He smirks. “I haven’t earned it yet, though. And I need to do that. For me as much as for you.” He moves closer to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders.
We lie down together, turning our bodies to face each other. Derek kisses the tip of my nose.
“It’s too soon,” he whispers.
I sigh. Logically, I know he’s right. I need to wait weeks to have sex. Knowing that doesn’t make me want him any less, especially once we start kissing. “Part of me wants you to fill me up so I don’t feel so empty,” I admit.
Heartache explodes in his eyes. He laces his fingers with mine. “You’re not empty, Stellina. You’re aching.”
“Yeah,” I admit, snuggling closer to him. “I didn’t even want a baby. I know I wasn’t ready. But when I saw that positive pregnancy test, everything changed. And I believed in it, the future, the family, my little piece of fruit, like it was real.”
“It was. It is,” Derek presses.
I sigh heavily. “I want children one day. A family. Like the one you spoke about.”
He kisses me again. “Sleep, my love. We’re together. We’re okay.”
“I love you, Derek,” I whisper. “Even when I don’t want to. Even when it’s hard. I love you.” My eyelids grow heavy.
I feel his smile against my lips. “Always, Allegra.”
I close my eyes, let the pull of sleep take me.
I dream of the garden. It’s colorful again, although more muted than the first time I wandered through its flower beds.
But there’s color. There are birds and flowers and the soothing sounds of rustling branches.
It relieves my hurt, restores my strength, and erases some of the ache.
I sit beneath a shady oak tree and close my eyes.
And in the gentle breeze that passes, I feel it.
Acceptance.
Understanding.
Trust.
I breathe it in deeply, hold it in my lungs, store it in my soul.
Trust in the future. Trust in family.
Trust in my little slice of fruit, a piece of heaven.