Chapter 13
Derek
As Allegra gathers with her friends for graduation activities, I find myself with time on my hands. The album has been recorded. The music that poured out of me during those weeks of self-reflection has tapered off. My need to create has subsided.
Allegra and I are in a good place. Our days are filled with a quiet familiarity I enjoy. We drink coffee together in the morning. I pick her up from the NGO in the evening. We eat dinner, sometimes the two of us, sometimes with the Clovers or her girls.
A routine emerges. A pattern. A comfortableness I’m unaccustomed to but now wonder how I lived so long without it. I feel like I’m finally home.
Home.
It’s a strange concept. To me, it was always a word. The place where I crashed at the end of the day. Now, it’s Allegra. It’s her world, her dreams. My connection to her which causes me to view every aspect of my life through a new lens.
I kick at a rock as I walk down the street to meet Dex for a burger. It’s become our thing. Another part of my new normal that required adjustment. And yet, I’m not running from it. I’m staying, having the hard conversations, asking the questions.
Listening.
My therapist Kris reminds me to actively listen instead of hearing and waiting to speak.
It’s something I never thought about before yet made an impression on me.
I think about the disagreements the band has had over the years.
About Levi spiraling and checking into rehab. About Mav’s desire to write more music.
I think about Allegra.
Fuck, it’s hard growing up. Even harder to stay and learn. To fucking listen.
“How’s it going?” Dex calls out when I approach the sports bar. Our spot.
Another puzzle piece to my new life.
I smile. “Pretty good.”
“Pretty lost in thought,” he calls me out.
I chuckle and shake his hand hello. We enter the bar, post up at our usual table, and exchange pleasantries with the server. After we order burgers and Cokes, Dex arches an eyebrow.
“All okay? Allegra?” he asks.
“She’s good. She graduates on Saturday so…” I shrug.
“She’s spending as much time with her friends before their lives head in different directions and you’re wondering what the hell comes next,” he surmises.
I glance up, surprised. “Is that a dad thing?”
Dex laughs, the wrinkles by his eyes crinkling. Except he doesn’t look old. Weathered and wise in a way that makes me seek out his counsel. When did his opinion start to matter? When did Dex start to become my confidante as much as, maybe even more than, Kris?
“I don’t know. Could be an old man thing,” he replies, reading my thoughts again. “What’s on your mind, Derek?”
I sigh and tap my fingers against the saltshaker. “Allegra’s thinking of staying here. In LA.”
Dex nods, as if he already knew this. Maybe he did. “You want to go back to Boston?”
I shrug. “The brownstone is always there. I want to be where my girl is.”
Dex frowns. “So, stay.”
Our server drops off our Cokes. We clink them together and take a pull.
“Yeah,” I agree, nodding. “I think I should buy us a house.”
Dex sputters, choking on his drink. He pounds against his chest, his dark brown eyes colliding with mine.
I grin. “Finally caught you off guard.”
He coughs, clearing his throat. “You did that when I first realized who the hell you are.”
I chuckle and he grins.
“You talk to her about it? Buying a house.”
I shrug. “Not really. But I can’t live in her room at Levi’s forever. And my condo is a place I bought back in the day. Before we were together. A house, a place she can decorate however she wants, would be ours. You know?”
“I do.” Dex nods, considering my words. “Still, I think you need to have this discussion with Allegra. Make sure she’s on the same page as you.”
“Yeah,” I say. But who wouldn’t want to be surprised with a house in LA? I know she likes it here. Her brother’s local. Kenny is planning to attend law school, but Nova and Ivy are sticking around. We could make this our home. Together.
“What else is going on?” Dex asks.
“Finished the album.” I tell him all about our next album. About the song I wrote for Allegra. About the Clovers and the music and the way we’re all clicking again.
And he listens. Dex, my dad, sits there and actively listens. It’s one of the best afternoons of my life because it’s so fucking simple. But real and meaningful and important.
Kris was right. Listening matters.
“I think we should buy a house,” I announce that evening.
Allegra’s eyes widen as they meet mine. “A house?”
“Yeah.” I lean closer over the table between us.
We’re at a sushi restaurant for dinner and right now, I want to swipe away all the plates so I can be closer to my girl. Read her expressions. Note the flecks of sage in her irises.
She frowns, her eyebrows pinching together.
“You don’t want to live together?” I ask, pausing. My stomach hollows out and a coldness sweeps my limbs. Am I reading this wrong?
Is she not all in, the way I am?
Did losing the baby change something?
Is she not ready?
My thoughts spiral, rapid and tangled.
Allegra licks her bottom lip, her eyes bouncing between mine. “Derek, I, I don’t know what comes next,” she says softly. “I mean, I don’t know where I’ll get a permanent job offer. Or what will happen after the summer. Or…”
“Or what?” I murmur.
She shakes her head. “I feel like I just told you a few nights ago that I like things the way they are. Right now. Me and you, included.”
“You did,” I agree.
She frowns. “Besides, aren’t we already living together?”
“In Levi’s place.” Bitterness coats my words.
“In my place too,” she corrects me. Smiles hesitantly. “You and me, this, sometimes it’s like a tornado.”
Even though she says it lightly, her meaning is clear. Tornados bring destruction. My expression falls.
She sees it because she sighs. “I didn’t mean it the way you’re thinking.”
“How’d you mean it?” I ask, my voice tight. I’m overreacting. Of course, I am. Allegra’s had an intense few weeks but…fuck, I hate not knowing what she’s thinking.
I hate how needy I feel. How badly I want her reassurances. I fucking need her to tell me it’s going to be okay. It’s going to work out. We’re going to work out.
Shit. Is this how I’ve made her feel? Over and over and over again?
I groan. “I deserve this hell.”
She snorts. “This isn’t hell.” She reaches across the table and takes my wrist. Gives it a little shake. “Derek, we’ve been going at max speed. I mean, it’s been…a lot. Even you can admit that?”
I nod. I can admit it.
“I need to…think. Process. Take a beat. I like where we’re at right now. This is enough for me. You know that.”
I heave out a sigh. Nod again. “Okay,” I say. “I get it.”
And I do. But…I still want more. I want her fucking future. My ring on her finger. Babies and moments and magic.
I want all her fucking sunshine, so I never have to stick to the shadows again.
“Okay,” she agrees, giving me a little smile.
“Let’s enjoy our dinner. This date. This weekend, I graduate.
Next weekend, the girls and I are coming to the Clovers show.
We’ll pregame and hang out and cheer for you guys.
Maybe party a little afterwards. Can’t we just, be present in the present?
I’m fielding interviews and sorting out my next steps.
I don’t want to make any permanent and financially significant decisions right this second. ”
“Yeah,” I sigh. She’s right. Fuck, I hate when I’m not. “You’re right.”
She grins. “I know.”
Holding up my sake, I tap it against hers. “I can’t wait to watch you walk across that stage,” I tell her truthfully. “You’re the first person in my life to graduate from a university. I’m proud of you, Stellina.”
Her beautiful eyes meet mine. Glimmer. “And I’m proud of you. Proud of you for doing the work with therapy, for reaching out to Dex, for being here for me. And congrats on finishing your album.”
I snort. She smiles that perfect fucking smile.
We eat dinner and go home.
We climb into bed, and I undress her slowly.
Spend time memorizing the curves of her body.
Palm her hips and thighs, squeeze her waist, kiss that delectable mouth.
I savor every part of her I can, but I’m careful not to work us up too much.
We still haven’t gotten the green light on sex and while it’s hard as hell to hold back, I keep telling myself that delayed satisfaction is a million times more fulfilling than instant gratification.
Besides, being forced to pull back has given me new insight on how special kissing can be. I’m so fucking present in the goddamn moment with her, I never want it to end.
After she falls asleep, I stare at the ceiling and panic rushes through me.
That’s what I’m scared of. Not being in this moment. Losing her. Not having this, everything we’ve worked for, fought for, fucking bled for.
I can’t lose my Stellina and the thought…it cripples me.
I work a swallow and turn on my side. I gather her in my arms and hug her to my chest. Her hair tickles my chin. She murmurs something nonsensical in her sleep.
I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to not be with her. I can’t lose her again because it would be like losing myself.
How many times have I gambled our future? How many times did I risk it all?
I don’t want to do that again. But this time, she can’t give me the reassurances. She won’t put my mind at ease.
So it spins and swirls all night long.
Desperate thoughts. Needy emotions. Greedy want.
I sleep like shit, and the anxiety that builds in my body follows me throughout the following day, and the one after that. It clings to me like the fucking shadow I’m desperate to shake.