Chapter 16
Allegra
“Ready to party!” Nova announces, raising a bottle of champagne in the air. She’s wearing a short miniskirt and she shakes her ass like she’s already had a few drinks.
Ivy rolls her eyes as Kenny pushes Nova into my apartment.
“Where’s Levi?” Ivy asks.
“And Derek?” Nova tacks on, winking at me.
I laugh. “They’re already at the venue. They got there early to set up and warm up. It’s a small, local place. Not their usual scene but I think they’re all feeling nostalgic.”
“Are they happy they wrapped the new album?” Ivy asks. “Now, they can enjoy summer.”
The girls enter my condo and drop their bags, some bottles of alcohol and mixers, and a few bags of chips on the kitchen table. It’s a proper, newly-graduated-from-college girls’ pregame, and seeing them fills me with another layer of excitement for tonight.
“Yes! I don’t think they expected it to happen so quickly. Watching them record…” I pause, remembering the afternoons sitting outside the booth and staring at them, mesmerized. “It was wild. They were so in sync.”
“They’ve been together a long time,” Kenny points out.
“Yeah. I think sometimes they miss those early days though,” I comment, thinking about Derek’s desire to now buy a home. It’s as if he’s searching for something meaningful. A commitment to tie him down the way the Clovers once tied him to Boston.
But now, the guys could live anywhere in the world and meet up to record or go on tour. The need to be roommates, to constantly talk about music, to always be in the studio, isn’t there. That sense of urgency has disappeared and with it, an entire outlook they prescribed to for years.
Ivy pops a bottle of bubbly and pours it into the champagne flutes Kenny passes to her.
“What’s going on?” Nova lifts an eyebrow in my direction.
I sigh and plop down on a kitchen chair. “I want to go out tonight and have fun. Just, be in the moment, enjoy the night, be us.”
“Okay,” Nova agrees, always ready to party.
“But?” Kenny presses, taking the seat across from mine.
“Derek’s been off lately,” I lament.
“Off how?” Kenny asks.
“He wants to buy a house,” I say, thinking about the conversations we’ve had the past few weeks. “It’s like he wants our entire future hammered out so we can start making real decisions.”
“A house!” Ivy exclaims.
“With like a lawn and a pool?” Nova digs for clarification.
I shrug. “He wants us to move in together and be…for real.”
“You don’t call this for real?” Ivy points around the open concept of Levi’s condo. “You guys are living together in your bedroom after you lost a baby.”
Kenny winces.
“I know,” I admit slowly. I take a sip of champagne. “But buying a house is a big commitment.”
“So is having a baby,” Ivy murmurs.
“That wasn’t a planned decision,” I remind her.
“True,” Nova agrees. “It happened and you were flying by the seat of your pants.”
“Exactly! I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster for the past year.
Emotionally, mentally, even physically, I’ve been all over the place.
Boston, LA. University, no university, enrolled part time again.
With Derek, not talking to Derek, in love with Derek and planning a future.
No baby, baby, loss of baby,” I rattle off.
“It’s been…fuck, you guys, it’s been a lot. ”
Nova drains half her flute in solidarity.
“It’s been too much,” Kenny agrees.
“What do you want, A?” Ivy asks thoughtfully. “Do you want to be with Derek?”
“Yes,” I answer instantly.
“Do you want to stay in LA?” Nova poses.
“Yes. If I get a great job, doing something that matters to me, then yes,” I reply.
“So…?” Ivy trails off.
I sigh. “I like how things are between Derek and me right now. We’re…dating. Figuring things out. Not rushing them. I want to make sure we’re making the decisions we’re making for the right reasons and not because we’re rushing into them or thinking we have to make them. You know?”
“You need more time,” Mckenna deduces.
I nod. “I need more time.”
“So, tell him that,” Ivy says logically.
“I have. A few times. It’s just…I feel like he needs more of a commitment from me,” I voice.
Nova laughs. “Imagine that?” Her tone is sarcastic.
I grin.
“Guys suck,” Ivy announces.
“Especially that Maverick.” Mckenna shivers.
Nova rolls her eyes.
“I think you should just be honest with Derek,” Ivy says.
“Tell him what you need. I know he fucked up big time but the guy I’ve seen the past few weeks is all about supporting you and loving on you.
Let him be that guy for a bit. You don’t need to take on his needs in this moment.
You’re a great girlfriend, A. And he’s trying his best.” She shrugs. “Right now, that has to be enough.”
“Yeah.” Nova nods enthusiastically. “That’s enough until you say it isn’t.”
“Until you decide you want more,” Mckenna chimes in.
I grin at my girls. Standing from my chair, I wrap them in a hug. A big, messy group embrace. “Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you girls.”
“Me neither,” Nova agrees.
We all laugh.
I sit back down. “I’ve got a few interviews lined up this week. If one of them works out…”
“You’ll have more clarification,” Ivy finishes my sentence.
“Exactly,” I say.
“I can’t believe you guys are going to hang out all summer without me,” Mckenna whines.
Ivy shrugs. “Don’t leave for Boston yet. Stick around longer.”
Kenny sighs, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “Maybe I could stay until August...”
I wrap my arm around her shoulder. “Do it! You’re going to do great in law school. Stick around and enjoy summer with us.”
“I’ll see,” she murmurs.
“What do you have going on?” I ask Ivy.
“I’m hanging this summer,” Ivy announces. “Then, I’ll start working for my dad’s company until I figure out exactly what I’m doing with my life.”
“You’ll figure it out,” Mckenna says encouragingly.
I nod. “And you?” I glance at Nova.
She grins and bites her bottom lip. Always so coy. “I’m here for the summer. Then, I’m going to see my dad in Paris for two weeks. And then…I’m going to see what happens with West.”
I gasp.
“Nova scored herself a football player!” Ivy cheers.
Nova’s cheeks bloom with pink and I laugh. I’ve never seen Nova smitten before.
“It’s serious,” Ivy tells me.
Nova smiles. “We’ll see what happens.”
“I’m happy for you,” I say.
She lifts her glass. “I’m happy for all of us. Now, let’s party! And have some damn fun.”
“Amen,” Ivy seconds it.
Mckenna grins. “I’ll stay until August.”
We all squeal with excitement and lift our glasses, saying cheers to the evening.
To our futures.
The venue is small and packed with fans. Smoke gives the space a hazy, almost ethereal vibe. While most of the fans are corralled into the space in front of the stage, the girls and I are escorted to a table on a raised platform.
Bottle service awaits and one of the security guys lingers close by, keeping an eye on us.
“That was all Derek,” Ivy murmurs.
“Or Mav,” Nova points out.
Mckenna rolls her eyes and I grin. I have no idea why my unflappable friend is so salty toward Maverick Tate, but he’s gotten under her skin.
We sit down and fix fresh drinks. The crowd grows rowdier, with cheers and applause ringing out.
I look up just as the Clovers take the stage.
Derek stares right at me. He kisses two of his fingers before pointing them in my direction.
“Aw,” Nova gushes.
Women in the crowd let out a collective sigh, their eyes swinging toward me.
I blush and blow my guy a kiss.
Levi mutters something on stage and Maverick smacks him upside the back of his head.
“Good evening, LA!” Jameson bellows into the microphone.
The crowd goes wild.
Derek grins. “It’s so damn good to be here.”
“We missed you!” Mav tacks on.
“Thanks for coming out tonight,” Levi says.
“We love you, Levi!” a fan hollers.
“We’re proud of you!” another yells.
My brother dips his head, embarrassed. My chest squeezes for him. He’s come a long way and it’s wonderful to watch him step on a stage, sober, and connect with his fans in a meaningful way. In a way he’ll recall tomorrow.
“I’m grateful to be here,” Levi’s voice echoes through the venue. “We don’t do many shows like this anymore but this, tonight, with all of you, it feels right. Thanks for sticking by me.”
“And thanks for showing up tonight,” Mav adds, grinning until his dimple pops.
I swear a few women swoon.
“Have my babies, Maverick!” a woman in the front row yells.
Mckenna scoffs, her body growing rigid beside me.
“You ready for a show?” Derek redirects the conversation.
The crowd screams, their arms in the air, their bodies already dancing.
“Let’s do it!” Jameson concludes.
The Clovers begin their first set and my friends and I watch, enraptured. Well, I am. I can’t tear my eyes away from my rockstar. The one who has been my undoing from the first time he kissed me.
Tonight, he sings with so much soul, goosebumps dot my skin. I feel the gravel of his voice in the pit of my stomach, in the ache between my legs, in the pebbling of my nipples. I feel his words in the cavity of my chest, in the empty spaces he’s been filling up, in the recesses of my mind.
None of these women hold a candle to a little star like you.
Sweet dreams, Stellina.
I love you, Allegra.
Emotion sweeps through me as I watch Derek perform. The music pours from him effortlessly, a gift he generously shares with everyone present. The band concludes their first set but before they take a break, my guy points at me.
“I got a special song for a special woman here tonight,” he announces. “You guys have never heard it. No one, save for the band and her, have. So, you’re fucking welcome.”
More cheers. More clapping. More hollering about naughty, sexy things.
Derek grins. I laugh.
“Allegra Rousell, I fucking adore you,” Derek says into the microphone. His head is cocked in my direction, his eyes locked on mine.
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Nova says, fanning herself.
“Here, have some water,” Kenny advises, passing her a bottle.
The guys begin to play their instruments as Derek’s voice—deep, husky, and undeniably sexy—rings out.
I stand transfixed as he declares his love for me before hundreds of fans. Before my brother, his bandmates, and my best girlfriends.
Before the world.
When he gets to the last verse, the space is quiet. Silent. Holding their collective breaths and watching him, captivated. I can barely breathe as I fall into his whiskey eyes and swim straight to his soul.
I love you more than the stars,
In spite of the loss,
Beyond the destruction.
You glow; I sear,
Together, we’re too bright
To smother.
So I’ll suffocate on our hurt,
And wrap you in my love,
Because, Stellina, it’s always been you.
Derek finishes the last note, and a beat of silence pierces the venue before raucous cheers explode, bringing down the house.
“Holy shit!” Ivy exclaims, her eyes wide when they meet mine. “That was…he was…”
“He’s gonna buy you a house, baby!” Nova screams, her arms in the air.
Even Mckenna is laughing, pulling me into a side hug.
My girls envelop me, and I exhale. All the loss, the grief, the sadness. All the hope, the wishing, the wanting.
It leaves my lungs in a giant whoosh and the support of my friends buoys me until I find my footing again.
Then, I laugh. Loudly and deeply. All-consuming laughter that transports me to the past, connects me to the present, and colors my future in sunshine.