Chapter 21
Derek
That night, Allegra and I have dinner with Levi and her mom at our place. I’ve insisted she refer to the condo as her home too. It’s taking her time to warm up to that idea, which is why my thoughts keep circling back to a house. Mine and hers.
It’s a nice, civil dinner filled with polite conversation and a tentative acceptance that everyone wants to move forward but no one knows how to take the first step without rocking the boat.
In the past, I would’ve dropped a fucking bomb in the center of it and ruined dinner enough to be a distraction.
But tonight, I’m quiet. Every time I look at Allegra’s bruised face and split lip, I feel nauseous. The warnings Dex, Mav, and Allegra all implied about my rushing things flicker at the edges of my mind.
I feel helpless. Stuck. Restless and anxious and so damn frustrated.
Someone put his hands on my girl, and I wasn’t there to stop it. Months ago, she was numbing her heartache with drugs and other fucking men, and I had no goddamn clue. Fuck, we made a baby together and I was too messed up for her to trust me with the information.
How many times am I going to fail her? How many times am I going to come up short?
Why won’t she take the next step with me? Does she not trust me to keep her safe? Does she not love me with the same all-consuming desire I have for her?
Or is she truly happy with the way things are? She keeps saying she is but…
There’s no certainty. There’s no plan.
Is she going to keep working downtown? Will she continue to put herself at risk? What if this happens again? What if, no matter how hard I fucking try, I can’t protect her?
That’s the bitterest pill to swallow. What if she gets hurt, again? What if I can’t stop it? What if I’m not enough for her?
I couldn’t help my mom and look how that turned out. She was dead before her forty-fifth birthday.
After a stifled dessert and coffee, Levi and his mom stand to leave. We say good night at the door. I manage to hug Allegra’s mom good-bye and when I pull away, she gives me a long, searching look.
“What?” I whisper, caught off guard by her blatant study of me.
While Mrs. Rousell and I have exchanged conversation in the past, no one knows about it.
It’s only because I recognized, deep down, that she loves her children relentlessly.
The way a mother is supposed to. The way my mother didn’t.
And because of that, I let her know that I’d watch out for Levi when he moved to Boston.
And I fucking let him down too, didn’t I?
She smiles. “You’re good for her.”
I chuckle. “No, I’m not.”
“You are,” she counters. “I had to see it to believe it. Now, you need to believe it, too.”
She turns back to Levi and the two of them make their way down the hall. My friend lifts his hand in farewell. Allegra steps next to me, and I slip my arm around her shoulders.
We stand in the doorway and watch them enter the elevator before going back inside.
“Well, that was kind of awkward,” Allegra comments.
“It was a good first step. It’ll take time,” I reassure her.
“Yeah. I’m happy she’s here.”
“Has your dad reached out?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “He’s furious with my mom. So much so…I don’t know what will happen.” A streak of pain ripples across her face.
“What is it? Your ribs?” I’m at her side in a second, helping her toward the couch and easing her down. “Want some ibuprofen?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “No, I was just wondering if my parents would get divorced.”
“Oh.” I sit down on the coffee table in front of her. I had to buy a new, sturdier one. “Would that be so bad?”
She snorts. It’s a sound of choked laugher and disbelief. “I can’t imagine it. I mean, they would be shunned from their community. From the only world they know.”
“Maybe they would find a better, more accepting, community.”
Allegra shakes her head. “Not everyone is like you. You adapt easily. Go with the flow.”
“Roll with the punches,” I correct her. “It’s survival.”
“I guess. I just, I’m worried about my mom.”
I reach for her hand. Play with her fingers. “I know. But she’s here.”
“Yeah.” She smiles. “She’s here.”
“Is she planning on staying?” I delve into new territory.
“She has to go back eventually.” Allegra pauses and bites her bottom lip. “She asked Levi and me if we have to plans to ever come back home.”
I sit up straighter. “To live?”
Allegra shrugs.
“Do you?” I press.
What if she doesn’t stay in LA? Would she move to Boston? Or the small town in Massachusetts she grew up in?
“I, I don’t know.”
“Allegra,” I clear my throat. “I know you’re waiting to hear back about interviews and potential job offers but long term…baby, what’s your plan? Where do you see yourself? See us?” I throw it all out.
Annoyance flickers across her expression. “I don’t know. I’m still waiting to hear back from the Harrison Foundation. They’re unrolling some new programs here, in LA. In the meantime, I want to continue my work at the NGO and—”
“You’re serious?” I interrupt her. Bite my fucking tongue the second the words are out of my mouth.
She rears back. “Yes. Why?”
“Stellina, look at you.” I gesture toward her body. Bruised face. Cracked fucking ribs.
She glares at me and I’m so relieved to see that she still has her fire, that spark I love, that I relax slightly. “Don’t like what you see, Derek?”
I laugh. “I fucking love what I see. I love everything about you. But, baby, what if something like this happens again?”
She softens slightly. “Derek, this could’ve happened anywhere.”
“No.” I shake my head. “Your odds are greater working in that area, where a lot of homeless—”
“The man who did this was high.”
“I know.”
“He could’ve been suffering from a mental-health issue.”
“He could’ve,” I agree.
She frowns. “I’m not going to stop doing work I love because of one incident. It was a fluke.”
“You think this was a fluke? Allegra, if you hadn’t been in a desolate area, at night, by yourself, do you think—”
“Yes!” she cuts me off. “I think I could’ve been in the middle of a mall in broad daylight and a person struggling with addiction or mental health could’ve robbed me.”
“Fuck,” I swear, turning away. Glance back at her. “What if you had been pregnant, Allegra? What if—”
“Don’t,” she bites out. A warning.
“I’m just saying—”
“I know what you’re saying.” She struggles to stand.
I move closer to help her, but she swats my hand away.
“Do you want a family with me? Do you trust me enough for that?” The words come out of my mouth on a broken whisper. I didn’t mean to speak them. I wish I hadn’t said them.
But they’re out. Humming in the space between us.
Anguish twists my beauty’s face. “Derek.” She reaches for me.
This time, I step away.
“I wasn’t there to protect you,” I tell her.
Confusion swirls in her irises. “You weren’t supposed to be. You can’t always—”
“What if you’d been pregnant, Allegra? What if I lost you? Our baby. What if—”
“You can’t live in what-ifs, Derek,” she says. “You know that.”
“I don’t want you to work there.” My voice is forged in steel.
Allegra chuckles, the sound a mixture of sarcasm and disbelief. “Well, too fucking bad. I’m not giving up my career aspirations because of this.” She points to her bandaged ribs.
“I’m not asking you to give up anything. I’m asking you to think things through. To consider the dangers. The unpredictability of it.”
“Life is unpredictable, Derek.”
“I need you to be safe,” I mutter. “I need you.”
“I need you, too. I need your support.” She steps toward me. “Can’t we just see how things play out?”
I shrug. “Fine. Let’s say you get a job here and take it. Then what? You want to stay two years, five years, ten? Do you want to—”
“I want what I’ve always wanted,” she cuts me off. Her voice is quiet. Her eyes are sad, her mouth beautiful.
I shift my weight from one foot to the next, waiting for her words.
“You. A family, a future, a life, with you, Derek. But not at the expense of me.” She sighs. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Good night.”
With that, she walks into our bedroom and closes the door.
“Fuck,” I swear at the empty room. Energy still rolls through my veins. I’m antsy, on edge. Nothing has been resolved. There’s still no certainty. Still no goddamn plan.
Wait. See. Let it unfold. Decide once things pan out.
How am I supposed to know what to do based on variables? A hundred hypotheticals with no plan on how to manage any of them?
I stand in silence for a few moments, replaying our conversation.
I could’ve handled that better. I should’ve handled that better.
I bombarded her with my own insecurities after she confessed her concern over her mom.
Now, she’s pissed off, and I’m more twisted up than I was at dinner.
I retreat to the kitchen and clean up.
Then, I grab my keys and wallet and head out.
I plan to take a walk. Instead, I dial Dex and ask him to meet for a burger.