Chapter 22
Allegra
I wince when I hear the front door close. Tears pool in the corners of my eyes, but I blink them away.
Sinking to the edge of the mattress, I lean back into the propped pillows at the head of the bed.
My mom sacrificed her whole life, all her dreams, for my father and the life he wanted. She wasn’t permitted to hold a job or earn her own money, even after Levi and I were in school.
She was dutiful and obedient and a loving mother, but my father’s word always held more weight.
Now, look at her. Trying to re-establish a connection with her grown children after missing out on our lives for the past four-plus years.
I love my work. I love the purpose it gives me and the impact it makes on a community I care about.
My hand cups my lower abdomen.
And I loved—love—my fruit slice. I would like to be a mother one day. I’d cherish the opportunity to grow a family.
Why can’t I do both?
Why can’t Derek see that we can have both? Support each other through it all?
Picking up my phone, I tap out a message to the group thread.
Me: Derek left.
Nova: Again?
Ivy: Left…how?
Kenny: Want us to come over?
My phone buzzes a moment later.
I snort when I click accept on the Group FaceTime.
“What do you mean he left?” Nova dives right in.
“Is he drunk?” Ivy asks.
“Angry?” Kenny guesses.
I sigh again. “We got into an argument. A disagreement.”
“About?” Mckenna raises her eyebrows.
“He thinks my work at the NGO is too dangerous. He wants to know if I’m planning to stay in LA or head back to Massachusetts. Or I guess just what my plans are in general.”
“Okay,” Ivy says slowly.
“The NGO is kind of dangerous,” Nova says. “I mean, you broke two ribs, A.”
“That was a one-off thing,” I remind her.
“You sure?” Ivy asks gently.
“You guys! This is the career I want,” I push back.
“True,” Ivy says. “And you worked hard for it. But Derek being worried, even if you don’t want him to be, doesn’t make him a dick.”
“And him wanting to know where your head’s at for the future isn’t that weird either,” Mckenna admits.
“Ugh. It’s like everyone wants to know what our life plans are now that we graduated,” Nova laments. “Can’t a girl take a minute? Enjoy a hot girl summer?”
“Exactly!” I exclaim, pointing at Nova. “Why do I have to have it all figured out?” I wince as I twist my body toward the camera.
Nova points back, her eyes narrowed in concern. “Dangerous.”
I sigh.
“You don’t have to have it all figured out, babe,” Ivy says slowly. “It sounds like Derek is just grappling. He probably feels like he let you down.”
“He said he feels like he didn’t protect me,” I admit.
“I get why he’d feel that way,” Mckenna offers. “It may explain why he’s been all up in your business lately, too. I know you feel like he’s trying to make decisions for you, which is a nonstarter, but I think he’s only doing that because he’s worried.”
“He is.” I groan, exhaling my frustration. “But it’s annoying.”
Nova snickers. “Who thought Derek would end up being the clingy one?”
“Not me.” Mckenna shakes her head.
I roll my eyes.
“Derek’s not exactly a ‘let’s-talk-about-our-feelings’ kind of guy,” Nova says. “The only way he knows how to show you how he feels is by exerting control. Making the decisions. Taking action.”
“Did he pack a bag?” Mckenna asks. “When he left?”
“What? No.” I shake my head.
“So, he’s like…out blowing off steam?” Ivy wonders.
“I guess. I just, I don’t know what he wants me to say. I love my work. I’m not going to quit because of this one thing that happened,” I defend my point.
“Fair,” Mckenna agrees.
“Is he asking you to quit?” Nova asks. “Or is he asking you to let him know what’s up and what you’re thinking because he’s worried about you?”
“You scared the shit out of all of us, but Derek…” Ivy trails off.
“He nearly fought an EMT when he came into the hospital,” Mckenna recalls.
“I don’t want to sacrifice my dreams and give things up for a guy. Not even Derek,” I refute their points.
“You shouldn’t,” Nova says encouragingly.
“But is that what Derek’s asking you to do?” Ivy asks.
I roll my neck. Crack it. “No.”
Mckenna chuckles. “I’m so glad it was just a disagreement.”
“Yeah. He’ll be back in a bit, ready to make up,” Ivy agrees.
Nova waggles her eyebrows. “We all know what that means.”
“An apology,” Mckenna supplies.
Nova groans. “Hot sex, Kenny. Jeez, you gotta get laid.”
Mckenna blushes. Ivy laughs.
I grin. “So you think everything’s okay?”
“If you’re asking if I think he actually bolted, it’s all good.
But you gotta see where he’s coming from, A.
It’s been easy to hate on Derek because he fucked up so many times but this boy, he’s trying now.
He’s doing his best and while his bossy methods aren’t ideal, they’re coming from a place of concern,” Nova dishes out.
“He loves you,” Ivy says simply.
“And he made some good points.” Mckenna’s always the rational friend.
“Enjoy the D,” Nova says dreamily.
“Like your football player isn’t throwing down,” Ivy claps back.
“We can hear you!” Mckenna supplies.
I laugh again. “Okay. Thank you. I feel better.”
“Good.” Mckenna smiles.
“Brunch tomorrow?” Ivy asks.
“Our spot at ten,” Nova confirms. She looks at me. “Are you feeling up to it? If not, we can come to you and—”
“I’ll be there,” I promise. While I’m not fully recovered, I’m healing, and seeing my friends will cheer me up.
“See you tomorrow,” Mckenna tells the group.
“Night!” I disconnect the call.
Then, I turn on the television and watch a matchmaking show while I wait for Derek to return home.
“Allegra.” He appears in the bedroom doorway an hour and a half later.
Apology and regret are stamped in his expression. I sit up straighter in bed and flip off the television.
He strides to my bedside. His presence fills the room, his cologne washes over me, and my body lights up, in tune to his intensity, and ready for his touch.
I open my arms and he sinks into them, perching on the edge of the mattress. Derek’s body covers mine and I breathe him in as he kisses my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“I’m fucking sorry,” he replies.
I chuckle. Derek pulls back and grins at me.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” he swears.
“That was a disagreement,” I correct him.
“I don’t even want to do that.”
“It’s healthy sometimes.”
“Maybe. But tonight, fuck, I hate how I felt. I don’t like not knowing what’s next for us.
And I know you have a lot going on. There are things to think about, things to process.
But, Stellina, I’m here. I’m all in with you.
So much so that I can’t think about anything else.
I can’t plan or hope or dream. I can’t even fucking breathe half the time.
If you don’t want this, the future, the family, you need to tell me.
You need to tell me to leave, or you need to walk away. Because it won’t be me.”
“I don’t want you to go. And I don’t want to leave. I want the future and the family and all of it. I also want a career that I love,” I explain myself.
“I know you love your job. I know social justice issues are important to you and it’s something I fucking admire.
It’s something that drew me to you when you first showed up at the brownstone.
” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “You impress me all the damn time. But lately, after the baby, after this”—he glances at my ribs—“I’m half panicked all the fucking time.
My thoughts are twisted, and I can’t think straight. ”
“Because you care about me.”
“Because I love you more than life.” His hand palms my cheek and I lift my hand to hold his touch against my skin.
“I love you too,” I whisper, hearing his truths.
Understanding, maybe for the first time, that I’m not the only one who truly suffered from the loss we experienced.
Derek’s been better at concealing his pain, but I should have taken his worries more seriously.
I should have tried harder to understand his concerns.
“And I hear you about the NGO. I understand where you’re coming from.
I promise to think things through, okay?
I need you to trust me. Trust my decisions and my ability to make them for myself. ”
“Okay,” he breathes out. His eyes flash with a reluctant glare but his lips curl slightly in a smile.
“It’s hard for you, isn’t it?” I tease.
“What?”
“To give in to me.”
He chuckles and shifts his body over mine. “No, baby. Giving in to you is fucking easy. Resisting you is the hard part.” He kisses the corner of my mouth, away from my stitches.
“Right now, I want to stay in LA and be with you. I want us to do work that we love, that fills our souls and creative cups. I want time with you, Derek. Moments and magic.” My eyes meet his and I fall forward, into their bottomless depths.
He places a hand on my hip and leans closer.
“I want you, Stellina. I’ll live wherever you want.
I just want to know your thoughts, your desires, your wishes.
I want you to trust me and I want in on your plans.
I want to take care of you. And protect you.
And provide for you. I want you to be happy and healthy and safe.
And I want to love you every fucking day of my life, and even afterwards. Forever.”
His words wash over me. They’re the most open and vulnerable he’s ever been, and I wrap myself in the assurances they provide.
“I do trust you,” I say, meaning it fully. “And I want all of that too.”
Derek smiles. “Good. Then we’re on the same page.”
“Yes,” I breathe out.
Derek brushes a kiss to the center of my forehead.
I give him a hug. “Where’d you go?”
He pulls back. “Had a burger with my dad.”
I laugh, happy to hear it. “You and Dex really clicked, huh?”
“He’s a laid-back guy. Makes it easy for me.”
“I never heard you call him dad before,” I say gently.
Derek nods. “I never thought we’d have dinner with your mom, as a couple.”
“True,” I agree. “We’re really making strides with our families.”
He takes my hand in his and rests our joined fingers on my stomach.
“Yeah. I think I’m more open to it now, that…well, the baby brought our family together,” Derek says softly.
“You really want to have children with me?” I ask, my voice catching. Vulnerability rises to the surface as I think of our little fruit, of the risks that future pregnancies may hold.
“More than you know.” He kisses the corner of my mouth again. “But there’s no rush, Stellina. We have our whole future ahead of us.”
“We do, Derek,” I agree, smiling sheepishly. “We can start house hunting now.”
My rockstar gives me the biggest grin and I laugh, lunging forward to kiss him again.