Chapter 18
JOSH SAT ON THE couch poking the little bloat of his belly full of breakfast while barely paying attention to the reality dating show about people and islands that was playing on the television.
Riley had been quiet on their ride home from the diner, and Josh didn’t push for conversation, feeling tired from both the morning workout and eating way too much waffle.
After they got home, Riley said he’d send Garrett the emails from CJ Rollins while Josh showered. Josh was fresh and clean in a hoodie and sweats while he waited under a blanket for Riley to finish his own shower.
Josh’s mind was going crazy, like it was running two hundred miles an hour, flickering between thinking of the hot water running down Riley’s body, the mess they were dealing with from CJ Rollins and the ideas for promotions he had for the business.
When he didn’t have control of his thoughts, he liked to draw, so he pulled his sketchpad out from the drawer of the coffee table in front of him along with some pencils and started sketching.
It wasn’t long before a body shaped itself on the thick paper, one with long muscular legs, a round ass and shapely back, and a head that was looking at Josh over his shoulder and smiling.
It took way too long for him to realize that Riley was staring at him from his sketchbook, and all he could do was stare back in wonder.
To him, Riley was perfect. On paper and in real life.
“How do you always make me look so damn good?”
Josh jumped a foot in the air, the sketchbook and pencils flying off his lap at the sudden interruption from Riley. Apparently, Josh had been in his own world and didn’t hear him approach the couch.
“Geez, knock much?” Josh said, running his hand through his hair as he bent to pick up the mess.
“You’re in the living room.” Riley had the audacity to chuckle. “There are no doors to knock on. But next time I’ll try.”
He walked around the couch and sat next to Josh, leaning forward to help grab all the pencils scattered on the floor. Once they were all secured in their case, Riley took the sketchbook from Josh.
“Seriously, you’re so incredible at this.”
“It’s easy when the model is perfect.”
It took a moment for Josh to process what he said. He turned to Riley to gauge his reaction, but he was only looking at the drawing warmly, a flush rising on his cheeks.
When Riley finally tore his eyes away and met Josh’s, Josh’s heart was ready to beat out of his body.
“You think I’m perfect?” Riley asked.
“Of course, I do. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
For some reason, that made Riley’s smile falter, and Josh wondered why.
Riley took a deep breath and set the sketchbook on the coffee table, then sat back on the couch, grabbing the blanket on Josh’s lap and settling it over the both of them.
“What about… Would you change anything about us?” Riley asked nervously.
Josh turned, his leg propped on the couch under the blanket so he could look squarely at Riley.
“About us? I don’t ever want to lose you, Riley.”
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
Riley let his head fall back against the couch, but angled it toward Josh.
“But what if we could have… more… than what we have now?”
Josh furrowed his brows. “More what?”
“What if there was more between us than friendship?” Riley asked slowly, the way he talked when he was choosing his words carefully.
“What could be more than friendship?” Josh had a feeling he knew what Riley meant, but he didn’t want to assume anything and get it wrong. He always thought nothing was stronger than their relationship.
“Josh,” Riley started, reaching over and placing his hand over Josh’s, giving it a soft squeeze. “What would you think if I told you I have feelings for you?”
Feelings. For Josh. Holy shit.
“Wh-what kind of feelings?”
He sighed. “Romantic? Sexual? Maybe even… love?”
Riley was definitely talking about what Josh thought he was talking about.
It wasn’t the first time in his life he had no idea what to say or do, but it may have been one of the most important times. And he was bound to mess it up.
“No.”
“No?” Riley asked hesitantly.
“No, we can’t have those things, Ri. You can’t feel those things for me.” Josh was starting to panic.
“Why the hell can’t I?”
“Because why would you want to?” Josh demanded, causing Riley to sputter.
“Are you kidding? Every part of our lives is already intertwined. You’re already everything to me. The reason it’s never worked out with any woman I’ve ever been with is because every single time I would have rather been at home hanging out with you.”
“So?” Josh asked, pulling his hand away from Riley. “That’s totally normal. I’d rather be with you too, but it’s because we haven’t found the right women.”
“No, most guys would rather get laid than hang out with their bro. Being with you is so much more than that, though,” Riley said.
“No, no, no, it can’t be,” Josh said, throwing the blanket aside and shooting off the couch to begin pacing the room. “I can’t be that for you, Ri. I just… can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not good enough for you!” Josh shouted, stunning Riley into silence.
“You are perfect, Ri. Everything about you is damn perfect. And I’m not good enough for you.
You should be with someone who worships you and deserves you, someone as perfect as you are. And I’m not perfect. Not even close.”
Riley stood and stomped over to Josh until they stood toe to toe.
“You are perfect, Josh. You’re perfect for me. It’s always been us, but we were too blind to see it.”
This was going terribly. How could Josh make him understand? There was no way without spilling his dirty secret, something he promised himself he’d never do.
The consequence for revealing the truth would be hurting Riley, and that was something else he promised himself he’d never do.
“Are you telling me you didn’t feel anything between us when we kissed?" Riley asked. "When I gave you what you called the ‘best orgasm of your life?’ That means something. People search their entire lives to find something like what we’ve had for years.”
“I can’t— You can’t— No. No, no, no,” Josh said, pacing away from Riley.
“Give me one good reason to explain why you think you’re not good enough for me.”
Josh spun until he was facing Riley.
“Because I’m the reason my parents are dead!”
Riley was motionless, confusion covering his face.
This was it. The moment Riley walked away from Josh for good once he found out what Josh had been hiding all these years.
“How could you possibly be the reason your parents are dead? You were five.”
“It was all my fault.” Josh’s legs gave out from under him and he sank to the floor.
Riley sat right in front of him and held his shoulders.
“We were on the way home and I begged for us to stop to get ice cream, so we had to drive in a different direction. If it wasn’t for me being so selfish, we wouldn’t have crossed that intersection.
That car wouldn’t have hit us head-on. My parents wouldn’t have died.
Their blood wouldn’t have been all over the steering wheel or the dashboard.
They’d still be here. With me. Alive with me. ”
Josh couldn’t fight the tears rushing down his cheeks, and Riley pulled him in until he was holding him on the floor, rocking him back and forth.
When the stream of tears finally began to subside, Riley pulled away so he could look him in the eyes.
“Please, listen to me when I tell you this,” Riley said, surer than Josh had ever seen him. “That is absolute bullshit.”
Josh squawked in outrage until Riley cut him off.
“Josh, you were five years old. Would you blame any other five-year-old for their parents’ death because they were taking their child somewhere in the car? It’s not your fault. It’s not your parents’ fault. It’s likely the fault of whoever hit them and…”
“And what?” Josh croaked.
“And maybe the car’s fault. Did you say their blood was all over the front of the car? What happened to the airbags?”
“I-I don’t remember seeing any airbags.”
“Let’s put a pin in that for now. Your parents are the ones who chose to take you to get ice cream. They could have easily said no—”
“Are you saying it’s their fault?” Josh snapped.
“No, let me finish. They could have said no, but they didn’t, because they love you, like you loved them.
The only reason they’re dead is because there was an accident.
The other driver hit them. It was that person’s fault for running the light or cutting them off or whatever other reason they had. ”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. And the fact that you care so much shows that you didn’t want them dead. It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.”
The tears resumed falling, despite Josh thinking he was all out. How much longer would it take to run out? Riley grabbed him in a hug again, and Josh cried into his best friend’s shoulder.
Could it be that easy to let go of the guilt over his parents’ death? It felt wrong, somehow. For the next few minutes, Riley rocked him in his arms, whispering, “It wasn’t your fault,” over and over.
“I’m not sure if I can ever let it go,” Josh admitted, his voice muffled against Riley’s shoulder.
“How about you tell me everything you remember about that day, and we can get to the bottom of it, okay?”
Josh hadn’t gone over the details of that day with anyone since he was a kid.
Leigh Anne and Eddie took him to therapy for a while, but he had always kept the guilt to himself.
He didn’t want his adopted parents to find out he was to blame for killing two of their best friends, because then where would he be?
Taking a deep breath, he ran through everything he could remember. His nightmares had kept the details fresh in his mind.
Once he was finished with the tale, he could see the gears in Riley’s head churning, or spinning, or whatever it was gears did. He had his detective face on, which meant he smelled a mystery. Josh couldn’t figure out what the mystery could be, since he’d always thought the accident was his fault.
“Would it be okay with you if I looked into this a little bit?” Riley asked.
“What do you mean?”
“It sounds like there was more going on, and I think there might be someone to blame that doesn’t include the five-year-old in the crash.”
“You really think so?”
“Sure. For starters, why didn’t the airbags deploy during a head-on collision? And you said you remember a guy running from the scene?”
“Yeah, to get help,” Josh reminded him.
“How do you know? Did he ever come back with help?”
“Uh, I’m not sure.”
“Josh, I’m going to get to the bottom of this, but please say you believe me when I tell you that it’s not your fault your parents were killed in a car crash. Please, tell me you understand that.”
Did he? If that wasn’t true, then could he and Riley… Maybe. Fuck, he needed a break from thinking.
“I’m trying to understand,” was all he could say, and Riley nodded as he cupped Josh’s face in his hands, rubbing away the tears with his thumbs. Josh never felt as safe as he did when Riley held him like this. No one would ever understand him like Riley did.
But could they be more than friends? His body was on board, but was his heart?
Riley was right that he’d never find anyone who treated Josh as well as Riley did, or knew him as well as Riley, or even made him as happy as Riley.
Maybe that was enough?
“What if it doesn’t work? What if we don’t work?” he whispered to his best friend.
Riley looked deep into his eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “If it doesn’t work, at least we could say that we tried. Nothing will ever ruin our friendship, Josh. We wouldn’t let it.”
Josh smiled and lunged forward into Riley’s arms, tackling him to the floor and settling atop him with only inches of space between their faces.
“Do you promise? I don’t ever want to lose you,” Josh whispered, knowing Riley would always be honest with him.
“I promise. We won’t lose each other. I’d never stop fighting for you.”
Josh knew, down to the marrow in his bones, that he could trust Riley with anything, even his heart, so he closed the space between them and pressed his lips against Riley's.
This was where he was meant to be.